Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Nativity Scenester. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 12, 2014

Immaculate conception is every unwed mother's excuse. First up…

Guardians of the Galaxy

Guarding the galaxy means having to protect all of the universe’s star constellations - even the lame ones like The Poop Deck.

However, the galactic protectors in this sci-fi movie are too busy fleeing foes to stargaze.

An orphaned earthling (Chris Pratt) spirited away by aliens grows up to lead a band of rogues (Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Bradley Cooper, Vin Diesel) on a quest to prevent a zealot (Lee Pace) from destroying a populated planet.

Elsewhere, Thanos (Josh Brolin) continues to collect the omnipotent infinity gems for his nefarious endgame.

Expanding the Marvel Universe with oddball but endearing characters, eye-popping action and heartwarming antics, this adaptation of one of Marvels’ lesser-known books is an amazing cinematic achievement.

Funnier than any modern comedy, this space opera utilizes the laughs to cover up its darker themes of loss, betrayal and extremism.

However, if aliens existed they would’ve enslaved us by now.  Green Light

Dolphin Tale 2

Now what’s the point of recouping an injured dolphin if it’s just going to end up in a can of tuna?

Unfortunately, the aquatic rehab centre in this drama doesn’t see it that way.

When the USDA threatens to remove the tailless Winter from the Clearwater Aquarium if she isn’t paired with another dolphin in 30-days, Sawyer (Nathan Gamble), Hazel (Cozi Zuehlsdorff) and Dr. Haskett (Harry Connick, Jr.) attempt to acclimate a new dolphin into Winter’s tank.

But when Winter’s stump startles the newbie, the team must cast a prosthetic tail in order to retain her.

Inspired by the clinic that treated the real Winter, this sequel is essentially a retelling of the first with tacked on secondary stories involving assorted injured animals.

While Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman reprise their roles, the teens from the first are replaced with bad look-alikes.

What’s more, who knew dolphins were so shallow?  Red Light

When the Game Stands Tall

Christian football teams tend to rely to heavily on Hail Mary passes to win.

Fortunately, the coach in this drama knows some other plays.

The 151-game winning streak of the De La Salle Spartans ends when the senior players graduate high school and a new team is assembled.

Unfazed by this defeat, Coach Bob Ladouceur (Jim Caviezel) continues to rally the green team through biblical parables and volunteer work with army amputees.

As the team regains their Ws, a fanatical father (Clancy Brown) threatens the moral integrity of coach’s star running back (Alexander Ludwig).

Despite the overt and abundant religious references, this real-life sports drama does feature some hard-hitting action on the field.

Drawing parallels from other high school football melodramas, WTGST uses that framework in conjunction with the Lords message to amass an enjoyable indoctrination.

Mind you, in religious football the winning team dumps the Gatorade on the crucifix. Yellow Light

***Top Secret Santa*** 

Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town

Jesus would get more recognition at Christmas if he’d only allow children to sit on his lap at the local shopping mall.

Until then the holiday belongs to the urchin in this animated movie.

An orphan named Claus fortuitously finds his way into the home of a family of toy-making elves named Kringle.

Raised as one of their own, Kris (Mickey Rooney) vows to deliver elf-made toys to the kids of Sombertown - despite the Burgermeister’s (Paul Frees) stringent laws against it.

For years, Kris, his wife (Robie Lester) and their woodland friends outwit the Burgermeister’s men with what are now Clausian traits, i.e. sneaking down chimneys.  

Narrated by Fred Astaire, this Rankin-Bass stop-motion origin tale maintains the company’s reputation for quality holiday fair.

With memorable songs and oddball supporting characters, this is a believable beginning to an unbelievable legend.

Furthermore, it’s more inspiring than Santa’s real origins as a Coca-Cola mascot.

He’s North Polarizing. He’s the…

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