Best & Worst Movie of 2014

Guardians of the Galaxy

Guarding the galaxy means having to protect all of the universe’s star constellations - even the lame ones like The Poop Deck.

However, the galactic protectors in this sci-fi movie are too busy fleeing foes to stargaze.

An orphaned earthling (Chris Pratt) spirited away by aliens grows up to lead a band of rogues (Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Bradley Cooper, Vin Diesel) on a quest to prevent a zealot (Lee Pace) from destroying a populated planet.

Elsewhere, Thanos (Josh Brolin) continues to collect the omnipotent infinity gems for his nefarious endgame.

Expanding the Marvel Universe with oddball but endearing characters, eye-popping action and heartwarming antics, this adaptation of one of Marvels’ lesser-known books is an amazing cinematic achievement.

Funnier than any modern comedy, this space opera utilizes the laughs to cover up its darker themes of loss, betrayal and extremism.

However, if aliens existed they would’ve enslaved us by now.  

Tammy

The problem with quirky girl names is they make for lousy song titles.

Fortunately, musicians’ can work wonders with the normal named nuisance in this comedy. 

Fired from her low-income job, terminal troublemaker Tammy (Melissa McCarthy) decides to abscond from her mother and her Illinois home in her grandmother’s car.

However, Tammy’s alcoholic grandma Pearl (Susan Sarandon) wants to come along with her so she can see Niagara Falls. 

On the road the pair land themselves in some hot water with the police and must seek refugee with Pearl’s unorthodox lesbian cousin (Kathy Bates). 

On the lamb, both become smitten with a father and son duo (Gary Cole, Mark Duplass).

Devoid of anything resembling a joke or a plot, Tammy is a failed attempt at cramming an offensive female character into a poorly formed and highly improbable romantic comedy.

Besides, the US side of Niagara Falls is predominantly Canadian sewage.

He's Hard Times Square. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Holly & Ivy Leaguer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 24, 2014

Christmas is the only time men go to the mall. First up…

Tusk

The best part about being a walrus is that Sea World trainers are more focused on abusing the whales.

Mind you, Sea World looks like Heaven compared to the Hell this walrus must endure.

Brash podcast host Wallace (Justin Long) travels to Winnipeg to interview a viral-video star for his web series.

Unfortunately, the star committed suicide - leaving Wallace without a story.

Desperate, he answers a cryptic ad for a roommate.

Arriving at the remote mansion, Wallace is drugged and encased in a walrus suit constructed by his psychotic host (Michael Parks).

Based on his own podcast, writer/director Kevin Smith masterfully brings this aquatic nightmare to life in the film’s first half.

However, that fear fades in the ladder half when a badly disguised Johnny Depp masterfully fails as a French-Canadian detective.

Besides, how can Canada have a viral-video star when the country doesn’t even have the Internet? Yellow Light

The Skeleton Twins 

The upside to having a sibling is that you don’t have to wear your parent’s hand-me-downs.

However, the siblings in this drama are now adults who can buy their own clothes.

Moments before attempting suicide, Maggie (Kristen Wiig) is alerted to her brother Milo's (Bill Hader) suicide attempt.

Reunited after a decade, she invites him to stay with her and her husband (Luke Wilson) while he recovers.

On the mend, Milo confronts an old flame (Ty Burrell) that took advantage of him as a teen. 

Meanwhile, Maggie continues to sleep with strangers as a means of coping with her father’s death when her and Milo were kids.

A dysfunctional family drama with a serious sarcastic streak, The Skeleton Twins utilizes the comedic talents of both leads to bring life to these despondent characters. 

However, if you’re both going to kill yourselves, why not make it a murder/suicide? Green Light

***Nazis or Nice***

Elves

The favourite holiday song amongst skinheads everywhere has to be White Christmas.

Unfortunately, this horror movie doesn’t exactly detail the preferred Christmas carols of The Nazis Party.

When Kirsten’s (Julie Austin) blood inadvertently awakens a demented Christmas elf, she engages a decades old Nazis experiment that would see elf and Aryan blood mixed to create a master race.

Hiding out from her Neo-Nazis pursues in a department store, Kirsten receives help from the store’s Santa (Dan Haggerty), an ex-cop secretly living in the store.  

Now, the only way to stop the Christmas Elf from draining her blood is with the elf-stone, which is in the possession of Kirsten’s Nazis grandfather.

A festive pairing of fascism, demonism and commercialism, Elves’ is a seasonal treat crammed with ridiculous dialogue, campy special effects and incompetent acting.

Besides, if the Nazis were to combine elf and human blood together they would get Santa Claus.

He’s a Home Office Christmas Party. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Mistletoe Truck Driver. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of December 19, 2014

Nothing spreads cold sores like mistletoe. First up…

​

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The best thing about turtles is that they leave eggs in the sand for you to cook up on the beach after surfing.

Unfortunately the ova in this action movie were deposited in the sewer.

Raised underground by a mutated rat (Tony Shalhoub) with ninjutsu training, four equally mutated turtles (Johnny Knoxville, Alan Ritchson, Jeremy Howard, Noel Fisher) grow up to protect NYC from the Foot Clan, and its leader: The Shredder. 

Meanwhile, newshound April O’Neil (Megan Fox) and her cameraman (Will Arnett) are keen on exposing the vigilantes. 

But doing so uncovers a forgotten link between her, her father’s secret mutagen, and her new subterranean friends. 

Marred by poor character designs, terrible vocal talent and unwarranted deviations from the mythos, this live-action/computer animated version of the underground comic fails to connect with new or even established fans.

Incidentally, when a disgraced ninja-turtle commits seppuku, it means turtle soups for dinner.  Red Light

​

The Maze Runner 

The key to running a maze without getting lost is to leave a trail of Gatorade behind.

However, sports drinks are hard to come by in this sci-fi movie.

Waking in an agrestic setting surrounded by teenage boys, Thomas (Dylan O'Brien) struggles to remember who he is.

Initially bullied by the leader’s (Aml Ameen) muscle (Will Poulter), Thomas aligns himself with Newt (Thomas Brodie-Sangster), second in command, and starts piecing things together.

He also begins training as a runner in hopes of entering the monolithic maze in which Thomas believes their freedom lays.

But the first female (Kaya Scodelario) introduced into their boys club could doom them all.

Conceptually dark, as well as thematically, this adaptation of the popular dystopian YA novel offers up an intriguing and perplexing premise, supplemented by strong talent and creature design.

Incidentally, at the heart of every all-male society is a mountain of unwashed underwear.  Green Light

***Hannunchuk***

​

The Hebrew Hammer

The irony of Jesus being Jewish is he’d likely celebrate Hanukkah over Christmas.

However, this comedy speaks to the other Christmas mascot.

Bullied as a kid for his beliefs, Mordechai grows up to protect Jews from persecution as The Hebrew Hammer (Adam Goldberg).

When his services are needed by the black community to help stop Santa’s son (Andy Dick) from eradicating Kwanzaa, Hammer is hesitate until he learns those plans include Hanukkah as well.

Backed by the leader of the Kwanzaa Liberation Front (Mario Van Peebles), the chief of the Jewish Justice League (Peter Coyote) and the chief’s daughter (Judy Greer), The Hebrew Hammer hunts down Damian.

With a surprisingly funny performance from Andy Dick, The Hebrew Hammer is a self-deprecating spoof of every religious observance in December with the streetwise sensibilities of a 1970s blaxploitation film.

Besides, without Kwanzaa and Hanukkah decorations retailers would have half of a shelf to fill.

He’s Santa Semitic . He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Nativity Scenester. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 12, 2014

Immaculate conception is every unwed mother's excuse. First up…

Guardians of the Galaxy

Guarding the galaxy means having to protect all of the universe’s star constellations - even the lame ones like The Poop Deck.

However, the galactic protectors in this sci-fi movie are too busy fleeing foes to stargaze.

An orphaned earthling (Chris Pratt) spirited away by aliens grows up to lead a band of rogues (Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Bradley Cooper, Vin Diesel) on a quest to prevent a zealot (Lee Pace) from destroying a populated planet.

Elsewhere, Thanos (Josh Brolin) continues to collect the omnipotent infinity gems for his nefarious endgame.

Expanding the Marvel Universe with oddball but endearing characters, eye-popping action and heartwarming antics, this adaptation of one of Marvels’ lesser-known books is an amazing cinematic achievement.

Funnier than any modern comedy, this space opera utilizes the laughs to cover up its darker themes of loss, betrayal and extremism.

However, if aliens existed they would’ve enslaved us by now.  Green Light

Dolphin Tale 2

Now what’s the point of recouping an injured dolphin if it’s just going to end up in a can of tuna?

Unfortunately, the aquatic rehab centre in this drama doesn’t see it that way.

When the USDA threatens to remove the tailless Winter from the Clearwater Aquarium if she isn’t paired with another dolphin in 30-days, Sawyer (Nathan Gamble), Hazel (Cozi Zuehlsdorff) and Dr. Haskett (Harry Connick, Jr.) attempt to acclimate a new dolphin into Winter’s tank.

But when Winter’s stump startles the newbie, the team must cast a prosthetic tail in order to retain her.

Inspired by the clinic that treated the real Winter, this sequel is essentially a retelling of the first with tacked on secondary stories involving assorted injured animals.

While Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman reprise their roles, the teens from the first are replaced with bad look-alikes.

What’s more, who knew dolphins were so shallow?  Red Light

When the Game Stands Tall

Christian football teams tend to rely to heavily on Hail Mary passes to win.

Fortunately, the coach in this drama knows some other plays.

The 151-game winning streak of the De La Salle Spartans ends when the senior players graduate high school and a new team is assembled.

Unfazed by this defeat, Coach Bob Ladouceur (Jim Caviezel) continues to rally the green team through biblical parables and volunteer work with army amputees.

As the team regains their Ws, a fanatical father (Clancy Brown) threatens the moral integrity of coach’s star running back (Alexander Ludwig).

Despite the overt and abundant religious references, this real-life sports drama does feature some hard-hitting action on the field.

Drawing parallels from other high school football melodramas, WTGST uses that framework in conjunction with the Lords message to amass an enjoyable indoctrination.

Mind you, in religious football the winning team dumps the Gatorade on the crucifix. Yellow Light

***Top Secret Santa*** 

Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town

Jesus would get more recognition at Christmas if he’d only allow children to sit on his lap at the local shopping mall.

Until then the holiday belongs to the urchin in this animated movie.

An orphan named Claus fortuitously finds his way into the home of a family of toy-making elves named Kringle.

Raised as one of their own, Kris (Mickey Rooney) vows to deliver elf-made toys to the kids of Sombertown - despite the Burgermeister’s (Paul Frees) stringent laws against it.

For years, Kris, his wife (Robie Lester) and their woodland friends outwit the Burgermeister’s men with what are now Clausian traits, i.e. sneaking down chimneys.  

Narrated by Fred Astaire, this Rankin-Bass stop-motion origin tale maintains the company’s reputation for quality holiday fair.

With memorable songs and oddball supporting characters, this is a believable beginning to an unbelievable legend.

Furthermore, it’s more inspiring than Santa’s real origins as a Coca-Cola mascot.

He’s North Polarizing. He’s the…

Vidiot

     

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Reindeer Hunter. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of December 5, 2014

Red noses make easy targets. First up…

​​

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

The ironic thing about an ape planet is it’ll eventually evolve into a human planet.

Mind you, there are humans in this sci-fi film - and that’s an issue.

When a pandemic wipes out San Francisco, a small contingent of survivors (Jason Clarke, Keri Russell, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Kirk Acevedo) heads into the forest in hopes of activating a power generator.

Standing in their way, however, is the talking ape Caesar (Andy Serkis) and his simian army.

While the groups strike an accord, treachery on both sides results in war within the protected walls of the humans’ citadel.

The follow-up to the 2011 re-imagining of the landmark original, Dawn maintains the themes of its inspiration, while bringing more depth to the human/ape dynamic.

The impeccable special effects also help elevate this sequel to higher level of story telling.

Incidentally, you don’t want to know what warring apes fling from their catapults.  Green Light

​

The Hundred-Foot Journey 

The hardest part of owning an Indian restaurant is convincing patrons you don’t serve venison jerky and bannock.

Thankfully, the diners in this dramedy know what culture curry belongs to.

When political turmoil uproots the Kadam family from India and deposits them in the French countryside, Papa (Om Puri) decides to open an Indian restaurant with his son Hassan (Manish Dayal) at the helm.

Standing in their way, however, is Madame Mallory (Helen Mirren), the proprietor of the Michelin Star restaurant a hundred-feet away who’ll stop at nothing to sabotage their menu.

But the family, especially Hassan, is desperate to prove to her his spicy cuisine is as relevant as escargot.

Unfocussed and too familiar, this Spielberg/Oprah produced adaptation of the novel panders to every emotion imaginable with little affect.

The same applies to the obvious romances between the warring restaurants.

Besides, if you just put La in front of dishes like Aloo gobi it sounds French. Yellow Light

As Above, So Below 

If French literature has taught us anything it’s that oddities occupy Paris’ opera houses and bell towers.

So it makes sense the film-crew in this horror movie would find something strange under the city.

Hell-bent on finding the philosopher's stone located in the catacombs beneath Paris, Scarlett (Perdita Weeks), her cameraman (Edwin Hodge), her translator (Ben Feldman), her guide (François Civil) and his friends head into the bowels of the earth.

It’s not long until the group begins to hear and see peculiar things happening around them.

Even more off-putting is the fact that these occurrences relate back to their individual lives. 

The deeper they descend the more delirious they become and the direr their situation gets.

While the ending isn’t as groundbreaking as anticipated, the overall journey through the claustrophobic corridors is a haunting and heart-stopping endeavourer.

However, there’s only one thing beneath Persians…and it’s every other country.  Green Light

***Christmas Kooky***

Christmas in Connecticut

When cooking tofurky for Christmas remember to baste it in Nyquil to get that tryptophan feeling.

Or, you can do like the journalist in this comedy and tell your cook to do it.

Writing bogus copy about her husband, child and Connecticut farmhouse, food columnist Elizabeth (Barbara Stanwyck) must now materialize these lies to host a war-hero (Dennis Morgan) for Christmas dinner - at the behest of her oblivious publisher (Sydney Greenstreet).

Marrying a friend (Reginald Gardiner) who owns a country house, hiring a chef (S.Z. Sakall) and borrowing a baby, she plays house with great incompetence. 

Struggling to maintain her façade, her infatuation with the soldier and the dinner menu, her house of cards starts to crumble.

A sophisticated screwball comedy in a picturesque snowy countryside setting, Christmas in Connecticut is a neglected holiday gem.

Incidentally, the biggest tell that she isn’t a real food writer is her sinuous frame.

He’s Built a House of Christmas Cards. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Dystopian Future Hall of Famer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 28, 2014

Once you get to the future it’s nothing but the present. First up…

​

The Giver

The upside to a society without feelings is no one gets upset when you cut them off in traffic.

However, as this sci-fi film points out, no road rage also means there’s no empathy.

Raised in a post-apocalyptic world where emotions are outlawed and occupations are assigned, Jonas (Brenton Thwaites) is selected as the Receiver of Memory.

In order to obtain the recollections of the amnesic populace, Jonas must glean the knowledge from the previous vessel, the Giver (Jeff Bridges). 

But the pair’s tutorials are scrutinized by The Chief Elder (Meryl Streep), who suspects Jonas may flee their Utopia for the mysteries beyond its boarders.

Deriving more inspiration from modern dystopian movies than the YA novel it’s based on, The Giver’s weighty tale of repression is not entirely lost but a lot less impactful.

Furthermore, as the Receiver of Memory you have to recall where everyone left their car keys. Yellow Light

​

The Expendables 3

The upside to hiring elderly mercenaries is you can retrieve your money from them afterwards through a phone scam.

Thankfully, the codgers in this action movie aren’t offering their PINs to strangers.

When a former Expendable (Mel Gibson) resurfaces as an arms dealer, Barney (Sylvester Stallone) recruits a green team (Ronda Rousey, Kellan Lutz, Victor Ortiz) to take him down. 

But when they’re taken hostage, Barney must rely on old (Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li) and new (Harrison Ford, Wesley Snipes, Antonio Banderas) members to assist in their rescue.

The third installment in the all-star series, number 3 waters down its already bloated roaster with well-known veterans and unknown newcomers.

With older members under-utilized and new members unestablished, this final chapter relies solely on explosions and poorly conceived one-liners to engage.

Incidentally, the biggest difference between old and new action heroes is that today’s are mostly computer-generated.  Yellow Light

​

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For 

When killing for a woman it’s important to get half of the sex upfront.

Unfortunately, the dupe in this action movie waited until afterwards.

An old flame (Eva Green) convinces a private eye (Josh Brolin) that her affluent husband is abusing her in an attempt to have him murdered for his fortune.

A young gambler (Joseph Gordon Levitt) enters into a backroom poker game involving the Senator (Powers Boothe), the rounder’s estranged father.

A stripper (Jessica Alba) copes with the murder of her friend (Bruce Willis) by teaming up with one of her patrons (Mickey Rourke), and getting revenge on the Senator who killed him.

Interconnecting narratives similar to its predecessor, this prequel/sequel to the groundbreaking original is past due and half filler.

Padded with non-graphic novel narrative and uninteresting characters, A Dame to Kill For is a subdued and clumsy cash grab.

Incidentally, corrupt cities always get the Olympics.  Red Light

***Soldier of Future*** 

​

Soldier

All future wars will be fought by soldiers dressed as robots because real robots will be too expensive.

That cost is probably why military scientists in this action movie trained human subjects to be unemotional automatons.

As one of the original members of an experiment to turn orphans into cold-blooded soldiers, forty-years later Sgt. Todd (Kurt Russell) is now obsolete.

Replaced by genetically altered recruits, Todd is left for dead on a junk planet.

Adopted by a young couple (Sean Pertwee, Connie Nielsen) and their son, Todd regains the emotions and memories that his conditioned mind suppressed.

Todd then gets to repay the family when his old commander (Jason Isaacs) wants to use their planet for target practice.

Despite numerous attempts at profundity, this mediocre meditation on military genetics never rises above average actioner. 

Besides, no celebrity or comedian wants to go to another plant to entertain genetically altered troops.

He’s a Toy Soldier of Fortune. He’s the…

Vidiot