Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Emotionless Wreck. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 11, 2013

Being heartless means no blood circulation. First up…

The Hangover Part III

The easiest way to cope with a hangover is to build your tolerance by becoming a full-blown alcoholic.

Unfortunately, there are no libations in this comedy to binge upon.

When he goes off his medication, Alan (Zach Galifianakis) causes a disaster that subsequently kills his father.

Asked to escort him to rehab, his brother-in-law Doug (Justin Bartha) and his friends Phil (Bradley Cooper) and Stu (Ed Helms) drive Alan to Arizona.

However, a kingpin (John Goodman) commanders their vehicle, takes Doug hostage, and orders them to bring him Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong).

But to do that they must help Mr. Chow steal millions.

The final installment of the series, Part III is more of a teetotaling manhunt for an annoying character than it is the hair-of-the-dog comedy the franchise started as.

Furthermore, to prevent hangovers, after every drink at the bar: take 2 aspirins and eat a stack of pancakes.  0

After Earth

Returning to Earth after an evacuation means front-row tickets to every musical the mutated survivors perform.

Mind you, the stranded family in this sci-fi movie doesn’t have time for Broadway.

When their military vehicle’s struck by an asteroid, retiring officer Cyper (Will Smith) and his son Kitai (Jaden Smith) crash-land on the planet their people abandoned one-thousand-years ago.

With two broken legs, Cyper is unable to accompany Kitai on his mission to retrieve a homing beacon.

Via com-link, Cyper guides Kitai through Earth’s cruel terrain, which is populated with evolved predators. 

Meanwhile, an alien prisoner abroad their ship escapes, and hunts down Kitai.

M. Night Shyamalan’s tedious space tale about father/son relationships, After Earth offers little in ingenuity but lots of bad acting from Jaden Smith.

The downside to being on a desolate Earth with your dad is that there’ll be more than one Mr. Smith in the phone book.  0

Much Ado About Nothing 

When performing Shakespeare live, if anything goes wrong, you can abort the whole production by just yelling Macbeth.

Unfortunately, that won’t work for the performers in this film adaptation.

When the Prince of Aragon (Reed Diamond) visits the home of Leonato (Clark Gregg), his daughter Hero (Jillian Morgese) and her cousin Beatrice (Amy Acker), he plays matchmaker for his noblemen, Claudio (Fran Kranz) and Benedick (Alexis Denisof).

However, the prince’s imprisoned half-brother, Don John (Sean Maher), means to sabotage Hero’s union to Claudio by making him believe she’s unfaithful.

Meanwhile, Constable Dogberry (Nathan Fillion) and his inept agents investigate rumours of Don John’s scheming.

Despite its barebones staging, hokey soundtrack, and unseasoned actors, Joss Whedon’s black-and-white adaptation of the bard’s romantic comedy does bring some merriment to the stuffy Old English dialogue.

Furthermore, to stop a marriage in a Shakespearean play: tell the audience the bride is really a male actor.  0

The Purge 

Luckily, those in cold climates are protected from home invasion by thin layers of clear plastic film insulating their windows.

Regrettably, the family in this thriller lives in sunny California.

One day of the year the new leaders of the US government make it legal to kill anyone you wish, so long as it happens within a 12-hour period.

While it’s characteristically the homeless who are purged, this year a home security salesman James (Ethan Hawke), his wife (Lena Headey) and two kids, Zoey (Adelaide Kane) and Charlie (Max Burkholder), are the target of a gang of affluent attackers.

When Charlie provides shelter for an injured stranger (Edwin Hodge), their high-tech home can’t protect them from the human animal.

Spoiling its philosophical merits with an unfocussed story and clichéd gunfights, The Purge never reaches its full potential.

What’s more, family members are the most likely to want to kill you.  0

***Ritual Thrilling***

The Wicker Man 

The key to a good harvest is ensuring your crops are poppy plants that can be made into high-grade opium.

The farmers in this horror movie, however, have more monstrous methods for producing yields.

Called to the remote Scottish island of Summerisle to locate a missing girl, Rowan Morrison (Gerry Cowper), police sergeant Howie (Edward Woodward) finds the hamlet and its residents to be quite odd.

A chaste Christian by nature, Sgt. Howie finds the towns pagan beliefs to be off-putting at times, and seductive at others.

As he delves further into the village’s history, Howie discovers the diabolical deeds done by Lord Summerisle (Christopher Lee) and his fellow islanders each planting season.

A moody and maleficent shocker, The Wicker Man is a solid mystery with a twist ending enwrapped in repressed sexual tension, phallic symbolism and pagan effigies.

Besides, everyone knows sacrificing virgins only guarantees a bountiful cherry harvest.

He has Scarecrow's Feet. He's the...

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