Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s got a Pubic Hair-trigger. He’s the…

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Week of June 7, 2013

If sperm had the accuracy of urine we’d all be extinct. First up…

 

A Good Day to Die Hard

This had better not be a movie about the test subjects who died during the clinical trial phase of Viagra.

Thankfully, there’s only one old-timer in this action movie - and he can still pull his own pistol.

NYC cop John McClane (Bruce Willis) heads to Russia to aid his CIA operative son, Jack (Jai Courtney), who’s been arrested for murder.

For a lenient sentence, Jack agrees to testify against a government turncoat (Sebastian Koch) in possession of Intel on a corrupt politician.

To silence him, the official attacks the trial. But in the process instigates a grudge match with the hardheaded father and son.

The worst of the franchise, this fifth installment strips what little realism was left in the John McClane character and reduces him to a brash action cliché.

Besides, to really rile up Russian officials, the McClane’s should’ve just held an impromptu punk concert in a church.  0

Warm Bodies

The best thing about dating a zombie from a woman’s perspective is that they don’t have any problems with eating you out.

However, this horror-comedy is told from the male zombie’s perspective.

Uninterested in the afterlife, R (Nicholas Hoult) is more intrigued with girls - one in particular.

When R and his friends attack Julie (Teresa Palmer) and her boyfriend (Dave Franco) - who are on a mission for Julie’s father (John Malkovich) - R falls in love.

By ingesting her beau’s brain, R’s privy to Julie’s memories, which he uses to woo her.

But the two are torn apart when both their species are targeted by the next step in zombie evolution.

An optimist outlook on the zombie apocalypse, Warm Bodies aptly balances satirical comedy with Bard inspired besotting, creating cult movie-like capabilities.

Incidentally, which body-part would a zombie have to eat to learn how to get aroused again?  0

Identity Thief

With not enough time for work, family, and friends, who wouldn’t mind having someone else pretend to be you for a while?

Oops! Apparently, as this comedy points out, identity thieves don’t actually attend band recitals in your stead.

After being duped by Diana (Melissa McCarthy), an identity thief who racks up his credit cards, Sandy (Jason Bateman) has no choice - due to police (Morris Chestnut) incompetence - but to go to Florida and drive Diana to Denver himself.

But that is easier said than done, as both a bounty hunter (Robert Patrick) and two disgruntled purchasers (Génesis Rodríguez, T.I.) of Diana’s counterfeit credit cards are also after her.

While McCarthy shows she can make magic with uninspired material, Bateman’s familiar nice guy routine wears as thin as the corny climax.

On the upside, it’s now the thief’s problem to get your name off of the No Fly List.  0 

***Compass Points of Interest***

North By Northwest

The hardest part of pretending to be someone else is making sure that your stomach contents match up.

Thankfully, the impersonator in this thriller doesn’t have to follow his inspiration through the buffet.

When he is mistaken for a person of interest believed to be carrying top-secret microfilm, Roger Thornhill (Cary Grant) is thrust into the cutthroat world of international intrigue.

Forced to flee after he is framed for the murder of a diplomat, Thornhill travels cross-country with the aid of Eve (Eva Marie Saint), who is secretly working for the men pursuing him (James Mason, Martin Landau).

But it is Thornhill’s passion for Eve that later finds him cliffhanging from the faces of Mount Rushmore.

Classic Hitchcock suspense, but energized with unexpected action sequences, this stylish spy-game is one of the director’s most exhilarating accomplishments. 

Incidentally, the best person to be mistaken for is a million dollar lotto winner.

He gets Mistaken Seriously. He’s the…

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