Be Kind, Please Rewind

He goes with the Low-flow. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 14, 2013

Eating on the toilet is being proactive. First up…

Oz the Great and Powerful

The difference between good and bad witches is that good witches ride their broomsticks sidesaddle.

Unfortunately, only 1 out of the 3 witches in this fantasy rides a besom.

Oscar (James Franco), a womanizing sideshow wizard is forced to flee Kansas in a hot air balloon.

Mid-air, he encounters an uncanny twister that whisks him away.

Landing in the atypical Oz, Oscar is heralded a master magician by sister witches (Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz) who dispatch him to trounce the current ruler of Oz, the Wicked Witch (Michelle Williams).

On his journey, a flying-monkey (Zach Braff) and a china doll (Joey King) accompany him.

The prequel to the Wizard of Oz, Great and Powerful plays on its predecessor’s use of strange creatures, vibrant colours and slapstick comedy, at times to a fault. 

Furthermore, with its malevolent monarchy and abundant Munchkin population, Oz would make the ideal locale for a sweatshop.  0

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

When witch hunting, it’s recommended that you first douse yourself with warlock pee.

However, the sorceress-slaying siblings in this actioner use the sounds of children instead.

After they kill a witch in their childhood, Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and his sister Gretel (Gemma Christina) grow up selling their witch wrangling services across the land.

In one quiet town, little girls and boys are being spirited away by old crones for an upcoming blood moon ritual.

The children, along with the heart of a white witch, will render all witches flame-retardant.     

Masterminding the kidnappings is Muriel (Famke Janssen), a willful Wiccan with knowledge of Hansel and Gretel’s family history.

Armed with artillery and a troll, the sibling’s set out to save the sacrificial babes.

With an uneven story, uninspired acting and unacceptable F/X, Hansel & Gretel should be burned at the stake.

    

Incidentally, not all women are witches…some are succubuses.  0

Snitch

The hardest part of smuggling drugs with a big rig is getting the contraband up the truck driver’s ass.

Smartly, the smuggler in this thriller hides his dope in the trailer.

Negligent father, John (Dwayne Johnson), is so crestfallen by his son’s (Rafi Gavron) 10-year prison sentence for trafficking he persuades a would-be congresswoman (Susan Sarandon) for a lesser sentence by bringing down the cartel.

Approaching an ex-con employee (Jon Bernthal), John offers up his construction company as a mule to the local dealer.

Quickly, John gains the confidence of the boss (Benjamin Brat) and is tasked with transporting loot into Mexico.

But John is more interested with turning the kingpin over to Agent Cooper (Barry Pepper).

Inspired by true events, Snitch’s liberties are abundant and grossly exaggerated. Mind you, the action is tolerable.

Incidentally, to lessen his son’s sentence, instead of drug-dealing John should’ve got him convicted for pedophilia .  0

***Attack of the Crones***

The Witches

The most utilized potion in a witch’s repertoire must be the starchy brew used to get their hats so pointy.

However, the hags in this fantasy are more interested in a new concoction that turns children into mice.

On his birthday, recently orphaned Luke (Jasen Fisher) heads to the shore with his ailing grandmother (Mai Zetterling).

Checked-in at the same seaside resort as a convention of witches, Luke’s exposed to a new serum that transforms him into a mouse.

While the Grand High Witch (Anjelica Houston) and the rest of the coven try to exterminate him, Luke hatches a plan to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Based on Roald Dahl’s book, The Witches contains his trademark dark wit and an imaginative narrative, all of which are accentuated by Jim Henson’s witch designs.

Furthermore, with their surplus of brooms, the witches can clean hotel rooms for free board.

He ordered Broom Service. He’s the…

Vidiot