Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Sacrificial Lamp Chop. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 21, 2013

Larger predators remind you how edible you are. First up…

Jack the Giant Slayer

With the epithet Giant Slayer, this Jack character must sell ceiling fans for a living.

Surprisingly, the giant slayer in this fantasy has chosen an unlikely vocation.

When a young farmer, Jack (Nicholas Hoult), trades his horse for magic beans, they accidentally sprout, carrying Princess Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson) into the sky.

To rescue her, Jack teams with the King’s (Ian McShane) knight (Ewan McGregor) and his adviser (Stanley Tucci), who’ve been ordered to ascend the beanstalk.

At the top, they not only find the princess but also a race of giants and a traitor in their troupe, who plans to use the aggressive Goliaths to take over the realm.

An effects laden combination of two separate fairy tales, Jack the Giant Slayer has the confident cast to carry the visual burden, but not the story needed to make it worthwhile.

Besides, there’s only one true angry giant in the sky.  0 

21 & Over

Not only do you have to wait 21 years to drink in the States, but you also have to drink weak-ass American beer when you do.

However, the friends in this comedy are still carrying on with their rites of passage.

On Jeff’s (Justin Chon) 21st birthday, his pals Casey (Skylar Astin) and Miller (Miles Teller) show up at his dorm to take him out.

Standing in their way is Jeff’s overassertive father (Francois Chau), who’s there to escort him to a medical school interview.

But Miller convinces Jeff to have a drink and that leads to more drinks and sexual mischief that ultimately reveals a dark secret about Jeff.

Tackling parental pressure to succeed while performing a keg stand, 21 & Over’s is too immature to be taken serious and too clichéd to be advisable.

Incidentally, with helicopter parenting, nowadays your parents go to the same ABC Parties as you.  0

Movie 43

The best part of watching theatrical releases online is you don’t have to pay $16 to sit through 20-foot-tall car commercials.    

However, none of the films streaming in this comedy could every make it to the silver screen.

To get revenge on his computer-whiz brother Baxter (Devin Eash), Calvin (Mark L. Young) and his friend J.J. (Adam Cagley) conceive a taboo movie title and ask Baxter to track it down on the Internet.

To locate the illicit show, Baxter and J.J. must sift through 43 obscene online movies starring Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, Richard Gere, Chloë Grace Moretz, Elizabeth Banks and Halle Berry.

Meanwhile, Chinese gangsters have begun threatening the boys’ online for details on Movie 43’s whereabouts.

A crass collection of vulgar vignettes Movie 43 fails to rise above lowbrow humour.

Nonetheless, it is nice to know that all of the film’s stars condone illegally downloading movies.  0

***Satellite Headed***

Amazon Women on the Moon

The worst part of watching commercials on TV is they’re always interrupted by an annoying movie.

However, it’s not only commercials disrupting the feature film in this comedy, it’s everything. 

Chanel 8 is showing a late-night 1950s sci-fi film called Amazon Women on the Moon, which stars Sybil Danning as the Queen of the Moon and Steve Forrest as a wayward astronaut.

However, the film is constantly cut short by an array of movie and television promos, public service announcements and infomercials starring Michelle Pfeiffer, David Alan Grier, Rosanna Arquette, Steve Guttenberg and Ed Begley, Jr.

Meanwhile, the lunar love story culminates in a daring escape.

With sketches directed by established filmmakers (Joe Dante, John Landis) that range from the sublime to the silly, this anthology is a hilarious ode to night owl entertainment. 

Thankfully, movies today aren’t interrupted by commercials; products are just strategically placed in every scene.

He’s Byproduct Displacement. He’s the…

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