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He’s under Gingerbread House Arrest. He’s the…

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Week of December 20, 2013

Two-week old icing will never confine me! First up….

The Lone Ranger

If you choose to wear a facemask in sunlight, you’re worst enemy is going to be tan lines.

Fortunately, the masked-man in this action movie doesn’t have any family left to recognize him.

When an escaped outlaw, Cavendish (William Fichtner), kills his Texas Ranger brother (James Badge Dale), John Reid (Armie Hammer) conceals his identity, partners with the Comanche warrior Tonto (Johnny Depp), and seeks vengeance.

Unbeknownst to them, Cavendish is in bed with a railway magnate (Tom Wilkinson) who wants to frame Tonto’s tribe, and take their cache of hidden silver for his railroad.

With a Caucasian actor portraying an Indiana and a half-wit playing a hero, The Lone Ranger’s list of offenses is as lengthy as its running time.

And not even the train-top combatants are enough to keep this adaptation of the 1930s radio character from derailing.

Incidentally, Tonto’s disguise is brown make-up and racist speech pattern.  Red Light

Elysium

The upside to living in a dystopian future is that Hollywood will have plenty of great filming locations to choose from.

However, the affluent in this sci-fi movie don’t even live on Earth.

Orbiting over the planet in a colossal space station, the privileged lord over an over-populated L.A. with armed robots.

Manufacturing those sentries is a small-time hood Max (Matt Damon), who is accidentally exposed to radiation on the job.

With only days to live, Max must make it to Elysium in order to be healed, but a sadistic agent (Sharlto Copley) of the Secretary of Defense (Jodie Foster) stands in his way.

A blatant commentary on health care in America, Elysium uses class struggle, slick exoskeleton suits and eye-popping f/x to deliver its socialist message.

But if Elysium does have one weakness, it is the villain’s annoying voice.

Besides, with the rich in space, we can loot their mansions.

Green Light

Kick-Ass 2

Villains need to steal to pay their henchmen so they’ll help them steal.

Luckily, that vicious circle ends with the loaded bad guy in this action movie.

Dave (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) dons the guise of Kick-Ass to avenge his father’s death at the hands of the Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) - now The Motherfucker.

Given that Hit-Girl (Chloë Grace Moretz) has gone straight, he partners with like-minded crime-fighters from the Internet (Jim Carrey, Clark Duke, Lindy Booth, Donald Faison).

However, The Motherfucker’s super-villains (Olga Kurkulina, Andy Nyman, Tom Wu) will test the team’s tenacity.

Based on the comic book continuation, Kick-Ass 2 adheres to the source material’s sanguinary script, but tones down its sexual violence.

And while the comic is covered, not enough wit, style or soundtrack selection was garnered from the original movie to make this sequel significant.  

Incidentally, Secret Santa is the only upside to being on a super-team.  Yellow Light

Prisoners

It’s surprising a fat, unshaven old man would crawl down a chimney to give children toys, and to not kidnap them while they slept.

Mind you, it wasn’t Santa who stole the two girls in this thriller.

When Keller’s (Hugh Jackman) daughter is abducted with the neighbor’s girl, he is so distraught he confines the police’s first suspect (Paul Dano) in a dilapidated building, and proceeds to beat the whereabouts of the girls out of him.

Meanwhile, Detective Loki (Jake Gyllenhaal) continues following leads involving local pedophiles.

Knowing the man’s innocence, Keller continues his torture of the suspect with help from his neighbours (Terrence Howard, Viola Davis).

A well-acted, white-knuckled thriller that deals with kidnapping in a compassionate manner, Prisoners seamlessly slides a seedy mystery in-between the emotional layers of the narrative. 

However, in some cases, when you’re child goes missing, all you have to do is look up from your phone.

Green Light

***De-ice Hard***

Die Hard 2: Die Harder

Santa’s real magic is flying over hostile air zones without being shot down.

However, the rogue cop in this action movie has no qualms with grounding airborne transport.

When a US Colonel (William Sadler) overtakes Dulles’ airport’s tower on Christmas Eve, Holly Gennaro-McClane’s (Bonnie Bedelia) plane is placed in a flight pattern over the Capitol.

Unfortunately for the terrorists, and the airport, her trigger-happy husband Lt. McClane (Bruce Willis) is waiting below.

Eventually, he uncovers a plot to prevent a drug lord (Franco Nero) from escaping extradition.

The first of many Die Hard sequels, Die Harder is also the first to feature McClane’s antics in an open setting.

Lacking its predecessor’s restrain, Die Hard 2 does manage to deliver an admirable body count, saucy retorts and plausibility - before all that became clichéd.

Incidentally, if you haven’t had your flu shot, Christmas is the worst time to take-over the airport.

He’s a Cold Air Marshal. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Check-stop Sign. He’s the…

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Week of December 13, 2013

There’s no eggnog in alcohol, officer. First up…

Fast & Furious 6

The best way to curb street racing in your community is to generate constant gridlock.

Mind you, the racers in this action movie are inclined to go off-road.

Dominic (Vin Diesel) comes out of hiding to help DSS agent Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) stop a rogue soldier (Luke Evans) from selling an EMP on the black market.

In exchange, he and his crew (Paul Walker, Gal Gadot, Jordana Brewster, Sung Kang, Tyrese Gibson, Chris Bridges) want amnesty for their US crimes and the freedom to return home.

The fifth sequel in the series, Fast 6 doesn’t dazzle like its predecessor Fast 5 but it does maintain the franchise’s new espionage angle.

And while racing takes a back seat in this one, there are enough overblown car-chases, unexpected cameos and sudsy melodrama to propel the series onward.

But, as always, this series disregards the real victims of street racing: ran-over flag-girls. 

Yellow Light

 

The Family

The hardest part of being under witness protection with your family is not telling the killer where your brother is all of the time.

Thankfully, the brother and sister in this action/comedy are amicable.

Relocated to Normandy, France after another incident involving their father’s (Robert De Niro) mob boss tendencies, Belle (Dianna Agron) and her brother Warren (John D'Leo) promptly establish their dominance at school.

Meanwhile, their mother (Michelle Pfeiffer) sets fires around town, and their dad details his life in an unsanctioned memoir.

However, their quaint community turns war zone when an old family friend locates their whereabouts.

Jerking from light-hearted comedy to scenes of attempted rape and violence with unemotional ease, The Family’s frenetic storytelling instills a sense of dissatisfaction and general unease.

Incidentally, the only disguises for an Italian mafia boss in the witness protection program are a pizza pie maker, magical plumber and mob boss impersonator.  Red Light

Despicable Me 2

The reason super villains don’t date is because they’re obligated to dine and dash.

Thankfully, the scoundrel in this animated movie has abandoned the bad life.

Rearing his daughters (Miranda Cosgrove, Elsie Fisher, Dana Gaier) in suburbia, former baddie Gru (Steve Carell) is enlisted by The Anti-Villain League to apprehend a thief who stole a transformative formula.

Partnered with an AVL agent (Kristen Wiig), Gru targets the local mall.

Zoning in on super villain turned restaurateur El Macho (Benjamin Bratt) as the culprit, Gru is stunned when the heist is blamed on a wig shop owner (Ken Jeong) instead.

Meanwhile, his lovable minions have been malformed into macabre menaces.

The obvious sequel to the original success, number 2 delivers the same juvenile laughs while also exploring single parenting further.

In fact, 9 times out of10, the children of super villains grow up to lead very meaningful lives via identity theft.

Green Light

***Nylon Stocking Stuffers***

Little Women

The key to raising daughters is ensuring you find a nanny who lost a daughter of her own to raise them.

However, the sisters in this drama will have to settle for their own mother’s nurturing.

Amid the turmoil of the Civil War, the March Sisters - Meg (Trini Alvarado), Jo (Winona Ryder), Beth (Claire Danes), and Amy (Kirsten Dunst/Samantha Mathis) - learn lessons in love from their many suitors (Eric Stoltz, Gabriel Byrne, Christian Bale).

As Jo, Meg and Amy pursue their fancies, Beth remains at home with Marmee (Susan Sarandon).

The sisters grow so distant that it takes a great loss to bring them back to Massachusetts.

Although their lives unfold over years, this fifth and first-rate adaptation of the novel has a holiday spirit that rings throughout its family-centric plotline.

Incidentally, the highlight of the 19^th century holiday season was always the annual ugly Christmas petticoat ball.

He’s been in the Christmas Spirits. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Reindeer Tick. He’s the…

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Week of December 6, 2013

‘Tis the season for airborne lyme disease. First up…

The Wolverine

When you’re a superhero with claws you tend to fight villains like the Knife-Sharpener, the Human Scratch Post or Emo Kid.

However, the mutant in this action movie is battling the worst enemy ever - himself.

Plagued by Jean Grey’s (Famke Janssen) death, Logan (Hugh Jackman) flies to Japan on the behest of an aide (Rila Fukushima) to a Japanese solider (Hiroyuki Sanada) he saved during WWII.

Now the head of a medical tech company, the ailing doctor presents Logan with the opportunity to relinquish his healing factor.

Meanwhile, the venomous scientist Viper (Svetlana Khodchenkova) preps a suit of Adamantium for an unknown host.

A brilliant interpretation of the Frank Miller mini-series it’s based on, this pathos packed, ninja loaded sequel is the most authentic portrayal of the lovesick Canuck we’ve seen yet.

Surprising still is the fact that the Japanese love interest is not a used panty vending machine.  Green Light

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

When you live in a city made of bones your main concern is osteoporosis.

Luckily, the teen in this fantasy lives in a metropolis only fraught with demons, vampires and werewolves.  

At a nightclub with her friend (Robert Sheehan), Clary (Lily Collins) witnesses a murder but is the only one who sees it.

Intrigued, the assailant, Jace (Jamie Campbell Bower), introduces her to a hidden world of angels, demons and a mystical cup that is under the protection of Clary’s mom (Lena Headey).

But Clary’s estranged necromancer father Morgenstern (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) requires the chalice in order to turn the tide in the angel/demon dispute.

Based on the Teen Lit hit series, Mortal Instruments is a jumbled mess. The leads are unlikable, while the story is convoluted and evocative of more popular sagas.

Besides, if there were demons among us than our glowing red-eyed government officials would have told us.  Red Light

The Smurfs 2

With only one female in their species it’s surprising that the Smurfs aren’t extinct.

Magically, the 3-apple-tall genus has thrived in an all-male society - until now.

With his supply of Smurf essence depleting, Gargamel (Hank Azaria) sends his latest creations the Naughties (Christina Ricci, J. B. Smoove) to Smurf village to kidnap Smurfette (Katy Perry).

With her hostage, Gargamel hopes to gain Papa’s (Jonathan Winters) Smurf-making potion so he’ll never run out of magical essence.

To save Smurfette and stop Gargamel’s pending output, a group of misfit Smurfs (Alan Cumming, Anton Yelchin, George Lopez, John Oliver) must travel to Paris and get help from an old friend (Neil Patrick Harris) to do so.

Puerile even for the pre-school set, Smurfs 2 plods its way through a predictable predicament, limp one-liners, and maddening Smurf-centric dialogue.  

Incidentally, with their blue hue maybe the Smurfs are really the corpses of asphyxiated infants.  Red Light

***Star of Blunder***

Wakko's Wish

When wishing on a falling star it is best to wish for the star to not crash into your house.

Luckily, for the orphan in this animated holiday special, his lucky star landed in the mountains.

Informed by a fairy that the first to touch the fallen star receives a wish, Wakko (Jess Harnell) informs his brother Yakko (Rob Paulsen) and ailing sister Dot (Tress MacNeille), who then blab to Acme Falls about it.

Needles to say, the race for the wishing star is on as the Warner siblings, the townsfolk and the King’s (Paxton Whitehead) tax collector (Frank Welker) vie for their wish.

A cheeky jab at holiday gluttony courtesy of Steven Spielberg’s Animaniacs, Wakko’s Wish seamlessly applies the series’ offbeat brand of loveable lunacy, shameless lampooning and catchy musical numbers to the beloved holiday season.

Regardless, whomever touches the star first will wish their body didn’t just combust.

He’s the Co-Star of Bethlehem. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Red Tape Dispenser. He’s the…

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I make policy makers. First up…

Week of November 29, 2013

Red 2

The worst thing about retiring from espionage is no one wants to hear your secretly recorded conversations anymore.

Luckily, the girlfriend of the ex-spy in this action movie is interesting in his transcriptions.

While former CIA Black-ops specialist Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) is content with domestic life, his sadistic squeeze Sarah (Mary-Louise Parker) isn’t.

Fortunately for her, all that changes when Frank and his friend Marvin (John Malkovich) are classified as terrorists.

Hunted by MI6 (Victoria (Helen Mirren), Russian secret service (Catherine Zeta-Jones) and an assassin (Lee Byung-hun), the triad try to attain a scientist (Anthony Hopkins) with knowledge of a lost WMD before corrupt CIA agents do.

A phantasmagoria of reality defying gunfights, this obligatory sequel to the original retains its clever cast as well, but negates to thaw-out its contrived Cold War plot.

Incidentally, the best way to defeat a Russian army is with gay Olympic figure skaters.  Yellow Light

 

Jobs

Due to the millions who’ve been rundown by motorists on their iPhones, Steve Jobs is comparable to Stalin.

Mind you, his colleagues in this biography would liken him more to Hitler.

Gaining admiration for calligraphy, college dropout Steve Jobs (Ashton Kutcher) applies his knowledge to the burgeoning computer market.

Turning his friend Steve Wozniak’s (Josh Gad) pet project into the Apple 1, they, and some friends (Lukas Haas, Ron Eldard, Eddie Hassell, Victor Rasuk), then assemble its successor the Apple II.

However, Jobs can’t handle the success, and soon he alienates his partners, his shareholders, and his daughter from his life.

The Cliff’s Notes version of the iPod creator’s life, Jobs barley skims the surface of the egomaniacal genius. 

And the while the supporting cast contributes greatly, they are undercut by Kutcher’s clumsy imitation.

Furthermore, its deceptive title humiliated all those who showed up at the theater looking for employment opportunities.  Red Light

***The Blog of War***

 

WarGames

If the future of warfare is to be fought via computers, does that include gay computers?

Unfortunately, this cyber-thriller doesn’t ask or tell.

Scouring phone lines to find new video games, computer whiz David Lightman (Matthew Broderick) comes across a game titled Falken's Maze, which he inevitably hacks.

Unbeknownst to him, the digital diversion is actually a NORAD defense operating system that simulates war scenarios.

Engaged, the supercomputer enacts a missile attack from the Soviets that puts a NORAD engineer (Dabney Coleman) on the defensive.

To impede the processor from instigating a nuclear war, David must locate its creator (John Wood) and convince him to hit control-alt-delete.

Dated by today’s standards, WarGames is still an entertaining blend of Cold War espionage and early-1980s computer hacking that was years ahead of its time - and created a new sub-genre.

Thankfully, the only combat computers accommodate nowadays are vapid celebrity Twitter wars.

He’s Selfie Destructive. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Breaking the Off-Colour Barrier. He’s the…

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Week of November 22, 2013

Blue toilet water and yellow pee make green. First up…

We’re the Millers

The best thing about smuggling drugs in a Winnebago is you can poop out the condom-encased kilos onboard.

Mind you, the motor home mules in this comedy don’t have anything up their butts.

Losing his stash helping his neighbour Kenny (Will Poulter) rescue teen-runaway Casey (Emma Roberts) from thugs, dealer David (Jason Sudeikis) must answer to his boss (Ed Helms).

To absolve the debt, David commissions an RV, enlists Kenny, Casey and his stripper neighbour Rose (Jennifer Aniston), and heads to Mexico to pick-up an order of marijuana as the Miller family.

However, they take the wrong shipment, and end up running from a kingpin (Tomer Sisley).

While the crass story is unfocussed, the titillating interplay between the Millers, and those they encounter, can be simultaneously deft and dumb. 

Incidentally, when you send your child to their room aboard an RV, you send them to the fold-out sleeper-bench in the kitchenette.  Green Light

The To Do List

The first item teenagers should check-off on their sexual experience to-do list is pregnancy scare.

Especially, since this comedy takes place before Plan B.

As the valedictorian for the class of 1993, Brandy’s (Aubrey Plaza) scholastic achievements outshine her sexual ones.

To rectify this before going to college, she compiles a list of sex tasks that culminate with her and Rusty (Scott Porter).

To scratch these arousing articles off her list, Brandy heeds the advice of her friends (Alia Shawkat, Sarah Steele), her sister (Rachel Bilson) and her mother (Connie Britton).

Unfortunately, her empirical approach to intercourse has an adverse effect on those around her, especially her platonic lab partner (Johnny Simmons).

Though it offers some good pointers to amateurs; ultimately, The To Do List is a drastically unfunny and unnecessarily revolting romp.

As for #1 on a man’s sexual to-do list: find a virgin with a sex to-do list. Red Light

2 Guns

The best way to smuggle drugs out of Mexico is aboard the Corona beer blimp.

Unfortunately, the mules in this action movie went with a car.

Apprehended at the boarder after meeting with a Mexican kingpin, Papi (Edward James Olmos), Trench (Denzel Washington) and Stigman (Mark Wahlberg) are taken into custody.

Later it’s revealed, Trench is undercover for the DEA, while Stigman is a disgraced Naval officer intent on taking Papi’s money to his commanding officer (James Marsden).

Since the drug deal tanked, Trench backs Stigman’s plan to rob Papi’s bank, and bring him up on laundering charges.

But Trench and Stigman aren’t the only ones keeping secrets.

While the boilerplate plot is predictable, the action is explosive and the curious chemistry between Washington and Wahlberg is classic buddy cop fare.

Furthermore, a dead giveaway that someone is an undercover Navy officer is their severe case of land legs. Green Light

Paranoia

The key to being a titan in the Tech industry is to create an App that creates Apps.

Contritely, the creators in this cyber-thriller concocted a less remarkable product.

Unable to impress his boss, Nicholas Wyatt (Gary Oldman), with a program that allows users to sync their cell phones to nearby television screens, Adam (Liam Hemsworth) is fired.

But after a night-out with friends on the company’s credit card, Wyatt blackmails him into infiltrating a competing company, run by Wyatt’s former partner, Goddard (Harrison Ford).

To bypass Goddard’s firewalls, Adam needs to seduce an employee (Amber Heard) to give him the Intel he needs.

A failed study of wireless communications, Paranoia is instead padded with cardboard performances, pointless car chases and a hackneyed hacker subplot.

Furthermore, when you send a twenty-something year old to go work for your competitor and spy for you, they usually show up late and hung-over.

Red Light

***Student Body Double***

Never Been Kissed

The hardest part of going back to high school undercover is getting your acne to flare up again.

Luckily, the undercover journalist in this romantic-comedy has her virginity to draw upon.

Sent back to high school by her editor (Garry Marshall) to get the scoop on today’s youth, Josie (Drew Barrymore) jumps at the chance to show her skills.

But the thought of returning jogs her own high school memories of being a loser.

Unable to escape that categorization again, she’s lumped with bully target Aldys (Leelee Sobieski).

Meanwhile, Josie has her first romantic relationship with a teacher (Michael Vartan), who believes her to be a student.

Despite the earmarks of a typical rom-com, Never Been Kissed exceeds its own classification with smart writing and astute observations on the teenage animal.

Incidentally, “I thought he/she was an undercover journalist” is a good excuse for any teacher accused of sexual interference.

He’s Incog-Neato. He’s the…

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