Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Breaking the Off-Colour Barrier. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 22, 2013

Blue toilet water and yellow pee make green. First up…

We’re the Millers

The best thing about smuggling drugs in a Winnebago is you can poop out the condom-encased kilos onboard.

Mind you, the motor home mules in this comedy don’t have anything up their butts.

Losing his stash helping his neighbour Kenny (Will Poulter) rescue teen-runaway Casey (Emma Roberts) from thugs, dealer David (Jason Sudeikis) must answer to his boss (Ed Helms).

To absolve the debt, David commissions an RV, enlists Kenny, Casey and his stripper neighbour Rose (Jennifer Aniston), and heads to Mexico to pick-up an order of marijuana as the Miller family.

However, they take the wrong shipment, and end up running from a kingpin (Tomer Sisley).

While the crass story is unfocussed, the titillating interplay between the Millers, and those they encounter, can be simultaneously deft and dumb. 

Incidentally, when you send your child to their room aboard an RV, you send them to the fold-out sleeper-bench in the kitchenette.  Green Light

The To Do List

The first item teenagers should check-off on their sexual experience to-do list is pregnancy scare.

Especially, since this comedy takes place before Plan B.

As the valedictorian for the class of 1993, Brandy’s (Aubrey Plaza) scholastic achievements outshine her sexual ones.

To rectify this before going to college, she compiles a list of sex tasks that culminate with her and Rusty (Scott Porter).

To scratch these arousing articles off her list, Brandy heeds the advice of her friends (Alia Shawkat, Sarah Steele), her sister (Rachel Bilson) and her mother (Connie Britton).

Unfortunately, her empirical approach to intercourse has an adverse effect on those around her, especially her platonic lab partner (Johnny Simmons).

Though it offers some good pointers to amateurs; ultimately, The To Do List is a drastically unfunny and unnecessarily revolting romp.

As for #1 on a man’s sexual to-do list: find a virgin with a sex to-do list. Red Light

2 Guns

The best way to smuggle drugs out of Mexico is aboard the Corona beer blimp.

Unfortunately, the mules in this action movie went with a car.

Apprehended at the boarder after meeting with a Mexican kingpin, Papi (Edward James Olmos), Trench (Denzel Washington) and Stigman (Mark Wahlberg) are taken into custody.

Later it’s revealed, Trench is undercover for the DEA, while Stigman is a disgraced Naval officer intent on taking Papi’s money to his commanding officer (James Marsden).

Since the drug deal tanked, Trench backs Stigman’s plan to rob Papi’s bank, and bring him up on laundering charges.

But Trench and Stigman aren’t the only ones keeping secrets.

While the boilerplate plot is predictable, the action is explosive and the curious chemistry between Washington and Wahlberg is classic buddy cop fare.

Furthermore, a dead giveaway that someone is an undercover Navy officer is their severe case of land legs. Green Light

Paranoia

The key to being a titan in the Tech industry is to create an App that creates Apps.

Contritely, the creators in this cyber-thriller concocted a less remarkable product.

Unable to impress his boss, Nicholas Wyatt (Gary Oldman), with a program that allows users to sync their cell phones to nearby television screens, Adam (Liam Hemsworth) is fired.

But after a night-out with friends on the company’s credit card, Wyatt blackmails him into infiltrating a competing company, run by Wyatt’s former partner, Goddard (Harrison Ford).

To bypass Goddard’s firewalls, Adam needs to seduce an employee (Amber Heard) to give him the Intel he needs.

A failed study of wireless communications, Paranoia is instead padded with cardboard performances, pointless car chases and a hackneyed hacker subplot.

Furthermore, when you send a twenty-something year old to go work for your competitor and spy for you, they usually show up late and hung-over.

Red Light

***Student Body Double***

Never Been Kissed

The hardest part of going back to high school undercover is getting your acne to flare up again.

Luckily, the undercover journalist in this romantic-comedy has her virginity to draw upon.

Sent back to high school by her editor (Garry Marshall) to get the scoop on today’s youth, Josie (Drew Barrymore) jumps at the chance to show her skills.

But the thought of returning jogs her own high school memories of being a loser.

Unable to escape that categorization again, she’s lumped with bully target Aldys (Leelee Sobieski).

Meanwhile, Josie has her first romantic relationship with a teacher (Michael Vartan), who believes her to be a student.

Despite the earmarks of a typical rom-com, Never Been Kissed exceeds its own classification with smart writing and astute observations on the teenage animal.

Incidentally, “I thought he/she was an undercover journalist” is a good excuse for any teacher accused of sexual interference.

He’s Incog-Neato. He’s the…

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