Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Race Card Shark. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 30, 2012

Aliens don’t see colour, they see incubators. First up…

Men in Black 3

The best part about being a space cop is extorting oral sex from 6-tongued Venusian informants.

The astral agents in this comedy, however, are more intrigued by the position’s time-travel potential. 

When Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) disappears, it alters the present. The only person who notices this is his long-time partner Agent J (Will Smith).

Discovering that an adversary, Boris The Animal (Jemaine Clement), has traveled to the past to disfigure the future, J leaps into the time stream, emerges days before the moon launch

To navigate his new retro surroundings, J enlists the aid of his partner’s younger self (Josh Brolin).

While Smith seems disinterested with his role in this second sequel, Brolin’s impersonation of Agent K and the revelations revealed about his and J’s relationship more than make-up for it.

Incidentally, the worst part of being a space cop is performing body cavity searches on 6-anused Uranians.  0

ParaNorman

The reason children can only see dead people is because when ghosts return they come back in the form of Pokémon.  

However, the minor medium in this animated movie doesn’t speak with dead grannies that resemble Squirtle.

When his weird uncle (John Goodman) passes away, he reappears to Norman (Kodi Smit-McPhee) as his translucent self, and leads him to a book of fairy tales.

Now Norman must quell an executed witch that has risen to get revenge on the townsfolk that put her on trial.

But before he can dispel her curse, he and his friends (Casey Affleck, Anna Kendrick, Tucker Albrizzi, Christopher Mintz-Plasse) must make waste of the living dead that have overrun their town.

Progressive yet retro, ParaNorman’s ghost/witch/zombie storyline not only contains remarkable stop-motion animation but a generous helping of relevant humour.  

Incidentally, if a ghost and a zombie ever got together they would make a human?  0

Sparkle

Being in a 1960s girl group meant having to cut hit records in your kitchen, while mopping the floor and cooking dinner for your husband.

Fortunately, none of the vocalists in this musical are housewives.

When 19-year-old Sparkle (Jordin Sparks) agrees to form a girl group with her two older sisters, Sister (Carmen Ejogo) and Dee (Tika Sumpter), in order to win a talent contest, she is is not prepared for the upshot.

Rising through the nightclub ranks, the girls taste success.

But when Sparkle begins to branch out as a soloist and Sister is in an abusive relationship, the girls experience exactly what their mother (Whitney Houston) warned them of.

With enjoyable songs, admirable performances and all the delectable melodrama that comes from a meteoric rise in music industry, this remake out shines the 1976 original. 

Fortunately for girl groups today, it’s the record labels that are being bitch-slapped.  0

Step Up Revolution

Before inviting you to a “flash mob” people should emphasize to not show up wearing nothing but a trench coat.

Thankfully, the participants in this dance movie know that flash mobs don’t involve exposed genitals.

When Emily (Kathryn McCormick), an aspiring ballerina, relocates to Miami with her developer father (Peter Gallagher), she falls for Sean (Ryan Guzman), the mastermind behind The Mob, a group that performs spontaneous dances in public spaces.

Determined for his crew to win a Youtube contest, Sean’s money-driven flash mobs must be put on hold when Emily’s dad threatens to redevelop The Mob’s neighbourhood.

Motivated by morals, The Mob now implements elaborate dances of dissent at investor parties.

Despite the movie’s facile grasp of grassroots protest and highly improbable ending, Step Up Revolution features some of the best moves of the series.

As for how to prevent flash mobs from occurring, simply install cell phone jammers.  0

***Private Dancer Goes Public***

What’s Love Got to Do With It

If it weren’t for females, record labels would have to rely solely on money and cocaine to entice potential male acts.

However, the male singer in this biography needs a woman to complete his act.

Abandoned by her family, Anna Mae (Angela Bassett) grows up with nothing but her unorthodox singing voice to keep her company.

In her teens, she auditions for local bandleader/lothario Ike (Laurence Fishburne), who is impressed by her pipes.

Joining him and his band under the moniker Tina, Anna Mae begins banging out the hits, while her new husband begins banging on her.

Under Ike’s thumb, Tina is unable to branch out and become the star she’s destined to be.

Based on Tina Turner’s biography, WLGTDWI is a superbly acted, heartbreaking tale of overcoming domestic abuse in an era of blind eyes.

Fortunately, domestic violence in today’s music has been restricted to the Top 40 list.

He’s a Melodrama Queen. He’s the…

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