He uses Vampliers. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of October 26, 2012
Can Vampires get AIDS? First up…
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
The idea that Lincoln fought vampires is more credible than assertions that he cared about slaves.
And while this horror movie doesn’t speak to the mendacity of Lincoln, it does present other inaccuracies.
Before his presidency, Lincoln (Benjamin Walker) attacks the man who killed his mother. Unbeknownst to him, that man is a vampire.
Fortunately, a vampire hunter (Dominic Cooper) comes to his aid, and, over time, eventually teaches Lincoln how to slay.
Maintaining his momentum towards the White House, Lincoln marries Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and has a son.
Meanwhile, his hope of ending slavery threatens the vampire’s food source, as well as a powerful vampire’s (Rufus Sewell) desire to infect the nation.
While it’s an obvious work of fantasy, its somber tone and deadpan acting removes any potential of camp value.
In addition to ending vampire food supplies, abolishing slavery would also impact Thomas Jefferson’s love life. 0
Magic Mike
What’s this? A movie about stripping! Now who wants to watch a bunch of fully clothed moms exercising on a pole?
Oops, my mistake, this dramedy is about peelers with penises - so it does objectify someone.
After fouling up his football career, Adam moves (Alex Pettyfer) in with his sister (Cody Horn).
One day Adam meets Mike (Channing Tatum), who moonlights as an exotic male dancer.
Welcomed by the revue’s owner Dallas (Matthew McConaughey) and its male cast (Kevin Nash, Joe Manganiello, Adam Rodríguez), Adam eventually gets on stage.
Mentored by Mike, Adam becomes a top singles earner.
But bad business between him and some drug dealers threatens his banana hammock heyday.
Traversing uncharted cinematic territory, Magic Mike does offer an entertaining look at male ecdysiasts; unfortunately, its directionless story isn’t as beefy as its cast.
Besides, everyone knows real men don’t strip on stage - they perform burlesque. 0
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
The best possible person to have as your friend at the end of the world is someone who owns his or her own space station.
Unfortunately, none of the characters in this dramedy are magnates.
As a life-ending meteor hurtles towards earth, the personal life of a mild-mannered accountant, Dodge (Steve Carell), unravels after his wife leaves him.
Desperate to find someone to spend his final moments with, Dodge embarks on a cross-country journey to find his one true love.
Along for the ride is his eccentric neighbour Penny (Keira Knightley) who shares in Dodge’s misadventures as he careens through a country without consequence.
Soon enough, Dodge’s quest for company leads him to an unlikely lover.
While there are brief glimpses of comedy, the overall melancholy of this picture permeates through to its predictable and unsatisfactory conclusion.
Incidentally, to avoid any of that doomsday gloating, avoid all your Mayan friends. 0
***The End Is Nine***
Trick ‘r Treat
A great Halloween kids costume is to dress them up as an adult, so that they can go trick r’ treating by themselves.
Unfortunately, the child in this horror anthology was sent out with a burlap sack over his face.
Sam (Quinn Lord) is a sinister little trick-or-treater who silently and sadistically enforces the 4 rules of Halloween:
1. Always inspect your candy
2. Do not snuff out a jack-o’-lantern on Halloween
3. Wear a costume
4. Hand out candy
When those rules are broken by an ensemble cast (Anna Paquin, Brian Cox, Dylan Baker, Leslie Bibb) in a series of vignettes, Sam stands idly by as frightful consequences ensue.
From a homicidal principal to a werewolf’s deflowering to the living corpses of costumed mentally challenged children, Trick ‘r Treat masterfully ties all the terrifying tales together nicely.
However, there really should be a 5th Halloween rule: no penis costumes.
He's Following a Hunchback. He's the...
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