He’s a Space Alienator. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of October 12, 2012
Deposit space junk in Big Dipper. First up…
Prometheus
Aliens love Halloween because it is the only time of the year when their favourite candy comes to their doorstep and rings the doorbell.
And while this sci-fi movie isn’t about mouthwatering minors, it is about dinner being home delivered.
In the future, an expedition team (Charlize Theron, Michael Fassbender, Idris Elba) funded by a billionaire (Guy Pearce) and lead by archaeologists (Noomi Rapace, Logan Marshall-Green) embarks on a mission to locate a planet suspected of spawning human life.
On the surface of the planet they discover ancient structures that they investigate in hopes of finding new life.
Inside, however, along with strange cylinders filled with an ebony liquid, the team only finds certain death.
A quasi-prequel to the Aliens franchise, Prometheus is visually stunning and also stomach turning. Unfortunately, its ambition storyline leaves too many loose ends.
Furthermore, educated minds already know that humanity sprung fourth from God’s balls. 0
Rock of Ages
The worst thing about being a ripened rock star is over time your face starts to look like your leather pants.
Fortunately for the singer is this musical, he’s too self-absorbed to notice.
In 1987, an indebted bar owner (Alec Baldwin) raises funds for his unpaid taxes by hosting Arsenal, before their singer Stacee Jaxx’s (Tom Cruise) embarks on a solo career.
Elsewhere, a small-town girl (Julianne Hough) comes to L.A. to pursue her dreams but gets entangled with an up-and-coming singer (Diego Boneta).
Meanwhile, the mayor’s wife (Catherine Zeta-Jones) pickets Jaxx’s pending performance, while a reporter (Malin Akerman) riles the temperamental talent with personal questions.
Forgoing originals for played out hair-metal covers, this adaptation of the Broadway musical struggles to find a decent story worth telling amid its caterwauling.
Incidentally, when the singer of a band leaves, the rest of the band should audition for the singer’s new band. 0
The Raven
The idea of an author having to solve murders inspired by their publications is horrific, especially if they write self-help books.
Fortunately, the scribe solving homicides in this mystery already pens ghastly tales of repulsion.
When a crime’s committed that bares similarity to short-fiction that newspaper critic/drunkard Edgar Allen Poe (John Cusack) wrote, the writer becomes the main suspect.
Assured that Poe is harmless by his publisher, the wordsmith is then hired on to help police find the person(s) responsible.
The job becomes imperative, however, when the copycat killer kidnaps Poe’s love interest (Alice Eve), and leaves cryptic clues as to her whereabouts.
A mediocre menagerie of Poe’s prized prose, The Raven is a languid whodunit with no thrills of note and an ending devoid of surprise or payoff.
Incidentally, you should pray that police never have to employ the author of Fifty Shades of Grey to solve your murder. 0
***Guitared and Feathered***
The Crow
When it comes to homicides in the avian empire, fowl that fly in flocks called “murders” are your most likely suspects.
And while this action movie isn’t about birds of prey, it is about a bird-themed spirit that preys on evil.
On the eve of Halloween – and their wedding nuptials – an up-and-coming rock star Eric Draven (Brandon Lee) and his fiancé are brutally slain by a gang of thugs.
One year later, Eric rises from the grave. Donned in black attire, stage make-up, and accompanied by a crow, he seeks vengeance.
However, a crime lord (Michael Wincott) and his mystic (Bai Ling) desire the powers of invincibility that the resurrected Eric possesses.
Based on the comic book, The Crow is a bullet-riddled ballad of retributive justice filled with colourful criminals and a striking cityscape.
As for The Crow’s archenemy: it’s old lumber, straw and clothes configured to resemble a farmer.
He's Got Scarecrow’s Feet. He’s the…
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