Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Creature of the Night Life. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 19, 2012

Hellhound pee ignites your lawn. First up…

Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted

The thing about Europe’s Most Wanted is most often the wanted is a Canadian fleeing dismemberment charges back home.

However, in the case of this animated movie, the hunted are all Americans.

Alex the lion (Ben Stiller), Marty the zebra (Chris Rock), Gloria the hippo (Jada Pinkett Smith) and Melman the giraffe (David Schwimmer) flee Madagascar for their home in NYC.

Stopping in Monte Carlo to pick up their penguin pals’ plane, the zoo crew attracts an Animal Control officer (Frances McDormand) determined to mount Alex’s pride.

But when their plane doesn’t pan out, Alex and the gang must join a traveling circus disguised as Big Top performers.

While the cast has grown long in the fang, the injection of new characters, garish colours and foreign venues has revitalizes this waning series.

Incidentally, between a zoo and a circus, these exotic creatures would suffer less abuse hiding in an abattoir.  0

That’s My Boy

The reason father/son relationships are so awkward is because at one point they both sucked on the same tit.

Unfortunately, the son in this comedy never had the chance to suckle at his incarcerated mother’s bosom.

Born of a 9th grade teacher and her student, Donny (Adam Sandler), Han Solo (Andy Samberg) grows up in the shadow of his father’s fame and mother’s infamy.

Now known as Todd, Han hides his history from his fiancée (Leighton Meester).

That is, until Donny comes looking for a TV reunion between Han and his jailbird ma (Susan Sarandon).

While Todd’s disgusted with Donny’s demeanor, Donny is disturbed by Todd’s inability to party.

Overcompensating for years of PG performances, Sandler tackles tasteless taboos, like pedophilia and incest, with smugness and a grating vocal choice.

Luckily, having your dad back in your life means he can finally teach you how to shave a flat tire.  0  

Moonrise Kingdom

Boy Scout leaders are like surrogate fathers to boys growing up without a dad - except they molest you on camping trips.

Fortunately, the orphan in this romantic-comedy isn’t a member of the Boy Scouts.

When 12-year-old Khaki Scout Sam (Jared Gilman) goes AWOL from his summer camp on a New England island, his Scout Master (Edward Norton) and troop give chase.

Meanwhile, an island native, Suzy (Kara Hayward), escapes her troubled home life and rendezvous’ with her pen pal Sam, whom she met at a church play.

Elsewhere, the police (Bruce Willis), Suzy’s parents (Bill Murray, Frances McDormand) and Social Services (Tilda Swinton) search for the young lovers during a flash flood.

A preteen summer fling, Moonrise Kingdom is an instant eccentric classic crammed with director Wes Anderson’s trademark quirky cast, retro fashion and vinyl recordings.

Incidentally, statistics show that 95% of people who runaway from an island drown.  0

Chernobyl Diaries

The good thing about vacationing near the Ukrainian nuclear meltdown is that only your insides get sunburned.

Unfortunately, the tourists in this horror movie haven’t ingested any Coppertone.

While visiting Kiev, a group of Americans, Paul (Jonathan Sadowski), his brother (Jesse McCartney), his brother’s girlfriend (Olivia Taylor Dudley), and their friend (Devin Kelley) embark on an extreme tour to a ghost city on the outskirts of Chernobyl.

Along with another couple (Nathan Phillips, Ingrid Bolso Berdal) and their guide (Dimitri Diatchenko), the friends explore the eerie site.

But when the sun sinks and their engine won’t start, they find the metropolis is not so abandoned.

An inconsiderate pile of pointlessness, Chernobyl Diaries’ turns tragedy into tawdry mutant tale, with bad acting and little explanation as to the survivors’ bloodlust. 

As for a sequel: I can’t wait to see what American tourists have in store for the atomic mutants near Hiroshima.  0

***Radio-Animal-Activism***

Them!

With the size of food portions nowadays, it’s no wonder ants had to grow to enormous heights to steal from our picnics.

However, it’s not evolution that has altered the insects in this horror movie, but something manmade.

Police (James Whitmore, Chris Drake) are stumped when townsfolk near a New Mexican atomic weapons testing site begin turning up dead.

Later, casts of the bizarre prints found at the scene of the murders are sent to an entomologist (Edmund Gwenn) and his daughter (Joan Weldon), who then deduce that the tracks belong to oversized ants that have been mutated by atomic radiation.

Now, the doctors and the army must prevent the queens from birthing more colossal colonies.

  

Capturing the hysteria of the time and turning it into an unforgettable parable, Them! is a pioneer of atomic monster movies.

  

In reality, however, ants exposed to atomic radiation would just grow cancerous tumors.  

He’s a Three Mile Islander. He’s the…

Vidiot