The Vidiot Reviews....

He’s a Silent Treatment Centre. He’s the...

Vidiot

Week of April 26, 2019

You always ignore the ones you love. First up...

Miss Bala

Thanks to all of the vacant space in their heads, beauty pageant contestants make for the best border mules.

Regrettably, the cartel in this action movie made the mistake of selecting a make-up artist instead.

While visiting her pageant contestant friend down south, Gloria (Gina Rodriguez) witnesses a gang shooting. But when she goes to the authorities, they take her straight to the gang responsible. Now she must run guns and money across the US border or else they will kill her friend. Meanwhile, the DEA (Anthony Mackie) is also using Gloria to gather Intel on the gang.

Featuring some of the worst dialogue ever uttered, not to mention the most banal action even scenes recorded, this needlessly convoluted adaptation of the Mexican original is all over the place and nowhere all at once.

Besides, the best way to smuggle across the US border is to label shipments: Border Wall Material.  Red Light

 

The Perfect Date

The ideal date would be to have the other person look like the photo they had posted online.

Conversely, the escort in this romantic-comedy will look like anyone his patrons want him to.

Desperate to get into Yale, Brooks (Noah Centineo) agrees to take a fellow classmate’s cousin (Laura Marano) out in exchange for a fee. Running with this idea, he enlists his IT friend to create a dating app that allows users to customize his appearance and attitude for the date. But as he racks up rendezvouses, he repulses those he loves, includes a rich girl (Camila Mendes) he’s trying to impress.

While this comedy based on the novel may offer a few good zingers and pointed critiques on modern courting, it is drastically miscast and adheres to rom-com formula so rigidly that it becomes painfully predictable.

Luckily, being a teenage prostitute is good experience for your post-graduate work.  Yellow Light

***Main Street Walker***

The Naked Kiss

The reason why small towns don’t have prostitutes is because they have livestock.

However, with the arrival of the professional in this drama, Bessy has been put on notice.

After cutting up her pimp big city prostitute Kelly (Constance Towers) flees to rural Grantville. Subsequent to turning her first/last trick in town with officer Griff (Anthony Eisley), she seeks honest work at a children’s hospital. Eventually, she falls in love with Griff’s best friend (Michael Dante) who turns out to have a darker secret to hide than her.

Tackling taboo subject matter with an even more taboo subject, writer/director/producer Samuel Fuller draws on his past experiences with ladies of the night to offer up a stylish and sympathetic story that portrays them as victims to the moral hypocrisy of a patriarchal - and depraved - society.

Besides, if being a whore makes you irredeemable, than everyone on Instagram is screwed.

He’s a Cathouse Pet. He’s the...

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He’s an Eternal Peacekeeper. He’s the...

Vidiot

Week of April 19, 2019

Cloaks are more fashionable than capes. First up...

Glass

The toughest part to having a disabled archenemy is beating up their service animal.

Fortunately, the wheelchair-bound baddie in this fantasy has support from a powerful partner.

As the split personalities of The Horde (James McAvoy) continue kidnapping victims for it’s dominate persona to ravage, indestructible David (Bruce Willis) scours the city for him. Just as the two are set to face-off, both enhanced humans are apprehended then sent to a psychiatrist (Sarah Paulson) specializing in superheroes for study. Joining the analysis is the immobile psycho (Samuel L. Jackson) who was instrumental in both men’s transformation.

The sequel to Split and the final chapter of the Unbreakable legacy, writer/director M. Night Shyamalan returns to the unconventional superhero genre he nurtured decades earlier. Unfortunately, his return is marred by monotonous pacing, half-ass twists and underused characters.

On the bright side, handicapped superheroes have larger bathroom stalls to change their costumes in.  Red Light

The Kid Who Would be King

Anti-vaxxers will be happy to know that out of all the people killed by the black plague, no one had autism.

The modern knights in this fantasy however have been inoculated, so the disorder remains a threat.

Alex (Louis Ashbourne Serkis) fancies himself a hero, but the bullies at his school see him and his friend (Dean Chaumoo) as targets. That is, until Alex finds a mysterious sword in a construction site that turns out to be Excalibur. The re-emergence of the weapon also signals the regeneration of the sorceress Morgana (Rebecca Ferguson), who will stop at nothing to retrieve the blade.

A modern retelling of King Arthur lore, this kid-centric update starts off as a rollicking adventure, but dawdles through pointless training montages and bonding sessions. While the special effects are top-notch, the generic story is second-rate.

Furthermore, if Arthurian legend ruled modern England, even Merlin couldn’t fix Brexit.  Yellow Light

Escape Room

FYI: Escape rooms are not a good activity for anyone who has been held captive before.

Fortunately, none of the participants in this horror movie are suffering PTSD yet.

An eclectic group (Deborah Ann Woll, Taylor Russell, Jay Ellis) is invited to participant in an escape room challenge for the chance to win $10,000. However, each room that the players enter has a connection to one of their pasts. The guilty party must expose the secret in order to get the combination to the lock. But with teammates dropping fast, those remaining must unmask the gamemaster before time runs out.

Piggybacking on the popularity of locked rooms and the torture horror movie craze, this low-budget ensemble does have some intense moments, but the derivative and inconclusiveness ending derails everything that came before it.

Besides, the easiest way to breakout of an escape room is to take the teenage attendant hostage.  Yellow Light

***Shape of Things to Come***

Cube

If you ever find yourself in a makeshift escape room in someone’s backyard chances are you’ve been kidnapped.

And while the participants in this sci-fi horror have been abducted, they have no clue where they are.

A cop (Maurice Dean Wint), a mathematician (Nicole de Boer), a doctor (Nicky Guadagni), an escape artist (Wayne Robson), and an architect (David Hewlett) awaken inside of a massive cube. While no one can figure out how they got there, they have deduced that the cube has infinite rooms filled with death traps. As the rooms kill, the math whiz tries to figure out the secret.

Psychologically scary but also imbued with a decent amount of gore, this dreamlike cult Canadian gem from 1997 offers very little exposition, leaving the viewer in the dark as much as the characters.

FYI: homeless people are the worst locked room contestants because they aren’t motivated to escape.

He’s an Escaped Roomie. He’s the...

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He’s Power Hangry. He’s the....

Vidiot

Week of April 12, 2019

Utility companies have all the power. First up...

Holmes & Watson

For criminals, the only benefit to having Sherlock Holmes on the case was that he could be easily bribed with cocaine.

However, in this comedy, the great detective is even more formidable when he has snorted nose candy.

When Holmes (Will Ferrell) and his partner Watson (John C. Reilly) discover a plot by Holmes’ archenemy Professor Moriarty (Ralph Fiennes) to assassinate Queen Victoria, the unorthodox detective only has 4 days to prevent his rival’s plan from occurring. But in order to do that, he must seek help from his brother (Hugh Laurie) as well as a female physician (Rebecca Hall).

Relying solely on humourless anachronisms to propel its overly simplistic story, this is not the first comedic take on the darling detective, but it is certainly the laziest and most cringe-worthy adaptation.

Incidentally, crime scene investigation was so rudimentary in the 1880s that most murders were blamed on solar eclipses.  Red Light

The Highwaymen

Robbing banks during the depression was easy because everyone was wearing a bankruptcy barrel.

Thankfully, the bandits in this drama made themselves easily identifiable by wearing normal clothing.

As Bonnie and Clyde continue their crime spree across the mid-west, the Texas Governor (Kathy Bates) reinstates retired Texas Ranger Frank Hamer (Kevin Costner) to capture the star-crossed killers. Armed with an arsenal and partnered with ex-Ranger Maney Gault (Woody Harrelson), Hamer heads to the couple’s hometown in hopes their kinfolk will rat them out.

While there’s no shortage of movies told from the twosome’s point of view, this middling Netflix retelling is told from the law’s perspective, which is more clinical in its assessment of the pair than most. The real highlight, however, is its frightening portrayal of the folk-heroes crazed fan base.

Nevertheless, proponents of gender equality will be glad to know Bonnie was shot as many times as Clyde.  Yellow Light

On the Basis of Sex

If the law treated the sexes the same than men would be able to cry their way out of speeding tickets.

However, as the solicitor in this drama can attest, the law holds fast to sexist stereotypes.

Unable to find a firm willing to hire her, Ruth Bader Ginsburg (Felicity Jones) takes a job teaching a sexual discrimination class. When presented with a case that challenges sexiest tax laws, RBG jumps at the chance to fight for the rights of a single father. Meanwhile, RBG’s husband (Armie Hammer) and children provide moral support.  

Focusing on a single court case instead of her entire career, this well-acted biopic about the Supreme Court Justice doesn’t do the trailblazer any justice. Although mildly inspirational, it’s also tedious and borders on movie-of-the-week.

And while the sexes may be equal under the law, it won’t stop men from cross-dressing to get a lower bail set.  Yellow Light

***Seventh-Inning Stretch Pants***

A League of Their Own

Considering all the bats they’ve swung at their cheating husbands, baseball seems the ideal sport for women.

But that line of thinking isn’t why the managers in this dramedy decided to add ladies to their roster.

With players off fighting Hitler, MLB is put on life-support. It’s not until it’s suggested that they start a female league that fans return. With manager Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks) in the dugout, catcher Dottie (Geena Davis) at home plate and her sister (Lori Petty) on the mound, the Rockford Peaches become darlings of the circuit.

Thanks to its colourful characters and amiable script, this adaptation of the real life women’s league offers viewers an inside look at this rare act of equality - however short-lived. And while it dips into sentimentality on occasion, it just makes these players more relatable.

Furthermore, the only real difference between female and male baseball players is less ass slapping.

He’s a Loaded Baseman. He's the....

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He’s a Car Alarm Clock. He’s the...

Vidiot

Week of April 5, 2019

Car alarms encourage neighbours to help car thieves. First up....

Bumblebee

When aliens are choosing which earth vehicle to transform into it’s best to avoid models designed by Hitler.

Nevertheless, the automaton in this action movie opted to disguise itself as the people’s car.

As the war between Autobots and Decepticons ravages their planet, the Autobots dispatch a scout (Dylan O'Brien) to find them sanctuary. Finding Earth, the scout assumes the form of a VW Beetle and is subsequently purchased by teenager Charlie (Hailee Steinfeld). It’s not until she discovers her car is an alien, that Charlie also learns that the military and Decepticons are after it.

With a greater focus on characters, this prequel gives fans the original designs of the iconic 80’s characters they love. A soft reboot of the Transformers franchises as well, this standalone story is more heartfelt than any of its predecessors.

Best of all, this VW Autobot can suffocate enemies with excessive carbon dioxide emissions.  Green Light

 

Vice

The Bush presidency was so obsessed with oil because they needed it to lubricate Dick Cheney’s moving parts.

And while this biography doesn’t confirm the former VP was a robot, it does address his lack of empathy.

Thanks to his wife (Amy Adams), Dick Cheney (Christian Bale) lands an internship with the Nixon administration where he becomes Donald Rumsfeld’s (Steve Carell) lackey. His moral ambiguity and position at Halliburton make him the ideal running mate for George W. Bush (Sam Rockwell). However, Cheney wasn’t there to play second fiddle, and after 9/11 he became the puppet-master.

Although brimming with outstanding performances, this dramedy about the former Veep is terribly one-sided. Narrated by a fictitious soldier and framed as part documentary, director Adam McKay attempts to edify viewers with misplaced humour and cartoonish depictions of non-democrats.

Incidentally, at the end of his term, Cheney was converted into a Florida voting machine.  Red Light

The Dirt

Eighties hair bands never had to worry about the Me Too movement because everyone thought they were women.

Fortunately, any relationships the band in this biography had with their groupies appeared consensual.

When drummer Tommy Lee (Colson Baker) gets word his favourite band has disbanded, he propositions the bass player, Nikki Six (Douglas Booth), to form a new group with him. After securing guitarist Mick Mars (Iwan Rheon) and cover band singer Vince Neil (Daniel Webber) the foursome become Mötley Crüe. Eventually landing a record deal and garnering a few hits, the glam rockers implode due to drugs.

Focusing mainly on the sex and debauchery, this montage filled adaptation of the band’s notorious memoirs never goes beyond their sorted tales. Meanwhile, the acting is pitiable, the dialogue laughable and the lessons learned are contrived.

And while groupies still exist, nowadays they have to sleep with the dead lead singer’s hologram.  Red Light

***Just Say Obey***

 

They Live

The biggest threat facing individuals in the 1980s was retina damage from too much exposure to neon.

Luckily, the drifter in this sci-fi film has found a pair of black sunglasses to protect his peepers.

A vagabond named Nada (Roddy Piper) comes across shades that, when worn, allow the wearer to see the subliminal messages hidden in advertising subconsciously telling citizens to consume, and to obey. Worse, the sunglasses also reveal there are aliens who’ve been living amongst us in disguise. Now, Nada and his friend (Keith David) must stop the invasion before earth’s resources are exhausted.

Known for its lengthy back alley brawl, as well as inspiring Shepard Fairey’s Obey street artwork, John Carpenter’s cult classic adaptation of the 1963 short-story still challenges viewers to question what they see, even if Piper’s acting remains comical.

Thankfully nowadays, shifty advertisers and their merchandise are kept in check by Instagram influencers.

He’s a Subliminal Message in a Bottle. He’s the...

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