He’s Rubber Chickenshit. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of July 20, 2018
Whatever doesn’t kill you makes your hair
white. First up…
Rampage
If 50-foot fauna ever do attack we’re going
to regret bullying big game hunters to commit suicide.
Thankfully, citizens in this sci-fi movie
have a primatologist to protect them.
Former marine Davis (Dwayne Johnson) now
works on an anti-poaching squad rehabilitating rare animals like George, an
albino gorilla. But when George comes in contact with a corporate sponsored
space virus, he, a wolf and a crocodile mutate into massive monsters.
Meanwhile, the CEO (Malin Åkerman) behind
the bacteria and a black ops agent (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) scramble to contain
the rampaging test subjects for their own nefarious means.
Leveled by a trite script, inane dialogue
and hammy performances across the marquee, this visually impressive but
ultimately boring adaptation of the little known and least liked video game
from the 1980s fails to garner a high score.
Moreover, colossal beasts are more likely
to topple skyscrapers via dry humping than fighting. Red Light
Isle of Dogs
The upside to being stranded on an island
of dogs is your flea problem won’t make you an outcast.
When his dog (Liev Schreiber) is exiled to
live amongst the other influenza spreading mutts, a Japanese orphan hotwires an
aircraft and crash-lands on the infected atoll. There, a pack of wild dogs
(Bryan Cranston, Edward Norton, Bill Murray, Jeff Goldblum) reluctantly help
him find his lost pup.
Meanwhile in post-apocalyptic Japan, an
American exchange student (Greta Gerwig) finds a cure to the hound disease, but
a totalitarian mayor is suppressing its release so that he can wipeout all
canines.
One of the most beautifully captured stop-motion
pictures ever, director Wes Anderson’s eye for detail and colour, along with
his eclectic voice-cast bring these idiosyncratic characters to life.
Unfortunately, Anderson’s tone-deaf and stereotypical treatment of Japanese
culture is troublesome.
Incidentally, without dogs in Japan who
will control the Hello Kitty population?
Yellow Light
I Feel Pretty
The problem with being pretty is that
everyone automatically thinks: plastic surgery?
Luckily, the loser in this comedy only
needed a concussion to find her confidence.
Desperate to be thin and beautiful, pudgy
Renee (Amy Schumer) makes a wish in a fountain that ends up coming true when
she falls off her bike in spin class and bumps her head. Convinced she is now
gorgeous, Renee presents her bold new attitude to her boss (Michelle Williams),
her friends and a cute guy (Rory Scovel) she meets and gets positive results
despite her unaffected appearance.
The least funny thing the stand-up comedian
has done in her career, Schumer’s acerbic take on women’s self-image struggles
to find comedy in her commentary. While she is no stranger to offending
audiences this time she is insulting her base and their self-worth.
Besides, if plus-size models start thinking
that they’re skinny then they will be unemployed. Red Light
***Gore-rilla***
Congo
The reason humans teach gorillas sign
language is so they can tell them to release the human child unharmed.
Apparently though, the apt ape in this
thriller is only hostile towards female competition.
Primatologist Peter (Dylan Walsh) takes his
talking gorilla Amy to Africa after she has a prophetic dream. Along for the
ride are an electronics expert (Laura Linney), a philanthropist (Tim Curry) and
a local guide (Ernie Hudson), each with their own motive.
Eventually Amy’s drawings lead the party to
a cache of diamonds that have been protected by a race of vicious grey gorillas
for ages, including a powerful blue diamond.
With a laughable premise and even more
pathetic special effects behind the man in the monkey suit, this adaptation of
the Michael Crichton novel is a low point of 1990s cinema.
Lastly, why teach a primate sign language
when it’s easier to get them to text?
He’s a Mandrill Bit. He’s the…
Vidiot
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