Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a 2-Bit Game. He's the...

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Week of July 27, 2018

Video games taught a generation how to dodge turtle shells. First up...

Ready Player One

People play online games so they can escape the callousness of this world and just cyber-bully in peace.

The troll in this sci-fi film, however, is actually the head of a tech conglomerate.

When the fan-boy creator of OASIS dies, he bequeaths jurisdiction of said online virtual reality world to the player that can locate three keys – or Easter eggs – hidden inside of his referential universe.

Accepting the challenge is an improvised gamer (Tye Sheridan) trying to escape his real world existence; a famed Easter egg hunter (Olivia Cooke); and a CEO (Ben Mendelsohn) looking to enslave OSAIS avatars.

Crammed with references to movies, video games and other pop-culture touchstones, this half live-action, half computer-animated production from director Steven Spielberg relies on nostalgia and eye-candy to keep viewers distracted from its toothless villain and predictable plot.   

Moreover, who wants to rule a world that has so many character copyright and licensing agreements?  Yellow Light

 

You Were Never Really Here

The best thing about killing people for a living is that you get to wear whatever you want to work.

Mind you, the hit-man in this thriller enjoys doing it as an outlet for his anger.

After the army, mentally unbalanced Joe (Joaquin Phoenix) now makes his living hammering heads of anyone he’s hired to eliminate as a means to sustain his ill mother. But when he’s paid to rescue the daughter of a Senator from a sex-traffic ring, Joe’s actions lead to even worse consequences for him. 

Fueled by hallucinations, Joe risks everything to save the teenager from threats real and imagined.

A gritty, unflinching look at the sad life of a lost veteran, this art-house take on the New York anti-hero has it’s moments of touching brilliance thanks to Phoenix, but also many bouts of bewilderment and boredom.  

Furthermore, crazy hit-men are only good for offing fictional characters.  Yellow Light

***Select Two Players***

Virtuosity

If real life were like a video game you would get gold coins and eternal life for committing mass murder.

Unfortunately, as the avatar in this sci-fi thriller is about to find out, the real world has real consequences.

SID 6.7 (Russell Crowe) is a VR composite of serial killers, including the man who murdered the wife and daughter of Lt. Barnes (Denzel Washington), who is now serving time for his retaliation. So when SID escapes the virtual world and goes on a killing spree, it only makes sense to send Barnes, and a criminal psychologist (Kelly Lynch), after the astute android.

Ahead of its time, this action-heavy, tech savvy cat-and-mouse cavort with a memorable performance from Crowe is crippled only by its clichéd cops and robbers script and by the clunky special effects of the mid-1990s.

Incidentally, there would’ve been more bloodshed if Ask Jeeves had escaped into our reality.

He's a Re-Bootlegger. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Rubber Chickenshit. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of July 20, 2018

Whatever doesn’t kill you makes your hair white. First up…

Rampage

If 50-foot fauna ever do attack we’re going to regret bullying big game hunters to commit suicide.

Thankfully, citizens in this sci-fi movie have a primatologist to protect them.

Former marine Davis (Dwayne Johnson) now works on an anti-poaching squad rehabilitating rare animals like George, an albino gorilla. But when George comes in contact with a corporate sponsored space virus, he, a wolf and a crocodile mutate into massive monsters.

Meanwhile, the CEO (Malin Åkerman) behind the bacteria and a black ops agent (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) scramble to contain the rampaging test subjects for their own nefarious means.   

Leveled by a trite script, inane dialogue and hammy performances across the marquee, this visually impressive but ultimately boring adaptation of the little known and least liked video game from the 1980s fails to garner a high score.

Moreover, colossal beasts are more likely to topple skyscrapers via dry humping than fighting.  Red Light

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Isle of Dogs

The upside to being stranded on an island of dogs is your flea problem won’t make you an outcast.

When his dog (Liev Schreiber) is exiled to live amongst the other influenza spreading mutts, a Japanese orphan hotwires an aircraft and crash-lands on the infected atoll. There, a pack of wild dogs (Bryan Cranston, Edward Norton, Bill Murray, Jeff Goldblum) reluctantly help him find his lost pup.

Meanwhile in post-apocalyptic Japan, an American exchange student (Greta Gerwig) finds a cure to the hound disease, but a totalitarian mayor is suppressing its release so that he can wipeout all canines.

One of the most beautifully captured stop-motion pictures ever, director Wes Anderson’s eye for detail and colour, along with his eclectic voice-cast bring these idiosyncratic characters to life. Unfortunately, Anderson’s tone-deaf and stereotypical treatment of Japanese culture is troublesome.

Incidentally, without dogs in Japan who will control the Hello Kitty population?  Yellow Light

I Feel Pretty

The problem with being pretty is that everyone automatically thinks: plastic surgery?

Luckily, the loser in this comedy only needed a concussion to find her confidence.

Desperate to be thin and beautiful, pudgy Renee (Amy Schumer) makes a wish in a fountain that ends up coming true when she falls off her bike in spin class and bumps her head. Convinced she is now gorgeous, Renee presents her bold new attitude to her boss (Michelle Williams), her friends and a cute guy (Rory Scovel) she meets and gets positive results despite her unaffected appearance.

The least funny thing the stand-up comedian has done in her career, Schumer’s acerbic take on women’s self-image struggles to find comedy in her commentary. While she is no stranger to offending audiences this time she is insulting her base and their self-worth.        

Besides, if plus-size models start thinking that they’re skinny then they will be unemployed.  Red Light

***Gore-rilla***

Congo

The reason humans teach gorillas sign language is so they can tell them to release the human child unharmed.

Apparently though, the apt ape in this thriller is only hostile towards female competition.

Primatologist Peter (Dylan Walsh) takes his talking gorilla Amy to Africa after she has a prophetic dream. Along for the ride are an electronics expert (Laura Linney), a philanthropist (Tim Curry) and a local guide (Ernie Hudson), each with their own motive.

Eventually Amy’s drawings lead the party to a cache of diamonds that have been protected by a race of vicious grey gorillas for ages, including a powerful blue diamond. 

With a laughable premise and even more pathetic special effects behind the man in the monkey suit, this adaptation of the Michael Crichton novel is a low point of 1990s cinema.

Lastly, why teach a primate sign language when it’s easier to get them to text?

He’s a Mandrill Bit. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Tight Lippy. He’s the…

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Week of July 13, 2018

Silence is golden until you need to fart. First up…

A Quiet Place

The best way to avoid monsters that hunt by sound is to hide at the library.

Mind you, city-run services are pretty much non-existent in this horror movie.

In the not-too-distant future a race of colossal armoured beings that stalk by sound vibrations have exterminated most of humanity. Survivors like Lee (John Krasinski), his pregnant wife Evelyn (Emily Blunt), and their three children live in the woods where they try to be as inaudible as possible; as not to attract any aggressors.

But keeping the sightless beasts at bay becomes more of a burden, however, when Evelyn goes into labour.

A tautly told post-apocalyptic tale that focuses on a family dealing with adversity beyond the creatures, novice director Krasinski does an impeccable job of bringing the parental experience to the genre and delivering some intense thrills in the process.

Moreover, sound-sensitive monsters are a good deterrent for all rambunctious children. Green Light

 

Chappaquiddick

Finally, they have made a feature-length film about Harry Potter’s favourite sport.

Oops, my mistake. This drama is actually about Ted Kennedy, not the golden snitch.

In July 1969 the then Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy (Jason Clarke) – brother to John and Robert Kennedy – drove his vehicle off of a Chappaquiddick Island bridge. While Ted survived the incident unscathed, his passenger, 28-year-old campaign aide Mary Jo Kopechne (Kate Mara), did not.

Fearing for his family’s reputation, Ted fled the crime scene, only to be cajoled in to confessing later by his cousin (Ed Helms) and his State’s Attorney (Jim Gaffigan).

An overlooked aspect of the late Ted Kennedy’s life, this random rendition of the decades old events may or may not be entirely factual. However, the actual facts still make Teddy seem like a complete creep.

Incidentally, Teddy’s brothers could’ve helped him make it look like Mary Jo had OD’d instead.  Yellow Light

Super Troopers 2

While the RCMP is not as well armed as US State Troopers, Mounties do have horses.

However, the hosers in this comedy are going to need more than steeds to protect their land.

When the Vermont Governor and their old chief (Brian Cox) hire them to head a US police force on Canadian soil, disgraced members of the Spurbury PD (Jay Chandrasekhar, Paul Soter, Kevin Heffernan) race across the border.

While stationed near Quebec, the makeshift militia befriends the mayor (Rob Lowe), the US/Canada emissary (Emmanuelle Chriqui), and become embroiled in a counterfeit cell-phone smuggling ring.

The crowd funded sequel to the middling 2001 cult hit, this laugh less reunion is just a rehash of the same jokes from the original film that don’t seem that funny any more. Even the new characters introduced are instantly forgettable.

Besides, Canadians don’t need to smuggle in cell-phones, our rotary phones work just fine.  Red Light

***The Resounds of Silence***

Screamers

It’s hard to be quiet in a horror movie when you’re being shadowed by a string quartet.

Fortunately, the creatures in this sci-fi movie don’t hunt by sound, but heartbeats.

In the not-too-distant future, two warring parties on a remote mining planet have reached a stalemate. Directed by their earth superiors to make peace with the saboteurs, Col. Hendricksson (Peter Weller) of the Alliance leads his team in to enemy territory to endorse the accord.

En route, however, self-replicating AI created by their enemy attack the contingent. Emitting high-pitched squeals as they engage, newer versions can even replicate humans.

Atmospheric and suspenseful thanks to a shrieking threat hidden around every corner, this 1995 adaptation of the Philip K. Dick story is a low-budget space thriller that dabbles in both hard science and shock horror with respectable results.  

On the bright side, once robots look human we can start sharing clothes.

He’s a Row-bot. He’s the…

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