He’s a Wizard’s Staff Sergeant. He’s the…
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Week of September 30, 2016
Act your mage. First up…
Warcraft
Surprisingly, the worst villain in World of
Warcraft is your spouse’s divorce lawyer.
Luckily, that bloodsucking shyster is
nowhere near this fantasy/adventure.
When an ancient magic reappears in the
realm of Azeroth, the king (Dominic Cooper) sends a knight (Travis Fimmel), a
wizard (Ben Foster) and his apprentice (Ben Schnetzer) on a campaign to uncover
its origin.
They eventually ascertain that the leader
of a rogue band of orcs (Clancy Brown) is using sorcery to sustain a portal
capable of bringing his horde to their world.
With help from a half-human orc (Paula
Patton) the trio hopes to disengage the doorway in time.
Based on the popular online game, this
poorly animated live-action adaptation is largely a fan-centric experience. Hindered
by half-ass acting and way too much exposition, Warcraft is too convoluted for
noobs.
Incidentally, the best way to defeat orcs
is to use J. R. R. Tolkien’s estate lawyers. Red Light
Central Intelligence
High school reunions are a great
opportunity to rob the homes of your former classmates.
Unfortunately, the alumnus in this
action-comedy chose the right side of the law.
Athletic and academic all-star Calvin
(Kevin Hart) is having a hard time accepting his adult existence as a boring
accountant. But all that changes when the fat-kid from his graduating class,
Bob (Dwayne Johnson), shows up fit, claiming to be a CIA agent tracking a
master thief.
Things get complicated when a second agent
(Amy Ryan) appears arguing that Bob is actually the master thief they are
after.
While it is yet another buddy-comedy for
Hart, what sets this clone apart is its inclusion of Johnson as its comedic
half. More than capable of keeping the far-fetched script on-track, he also
makes his outlandish character work.
Moreover, telling your old classmates
you’re a spy is cooler than telling them you're childless. Yellow Light
The Shallows
For some unknown reason sharks always get
the munchies after eating a surfer.
However, it’s hard to tell if the great
white shark in this thriller has bloodshot eyes.
Determined to surf the same isolated inlet
that her recently deceased mother surfed when she was younger, Nancy (Blake
Lively) drops out of medical school and heads to Mexico.
But her memorial quickly turns into a
struggle for survival as she finds herself stalked by the same shark that laid
waste to the humpback whale she sits atop.
Injured, Nancy eventually makes it over to
a cluster of rocks, and later a buoy where she makes her last stand.
A novel cat-and-mouse concept that falls
apart on execution, this idiotic one-woman show is not only implausible, but
its special effects are as laughable as Lively’s deadpan performance.
Incidentally, sharks are more corporative
if you tell them you’re with the Discovery Channel. Red Light
***Lost at Sequel***
Jaws 2
Nothing is funnier at the beach than
watching a great white attack one of those big-wheeled water-tricycles.
Regrettably, the alpha predator in this
thriller chews on everything at the beach but.
When a killer whale washes up on an Amity
beach with a chunk missing, police chief Brody (Roy Scheider) assumes it’s the
work of a shark. However, his theory isn’t popular with the town elders, and
they oust him.
Meanwhile, his two sons and their friends
have become the cold-blooded creature’s latest targets: surrounding their
sailboats and picking them off one-by-one.
Known more for it’s memorable poster
tagline than its semi-revenge storyline, this initial – and often maligned -
sequel in the series is surprisingly enjoyable. What it lacks in Spielberg's
direction, it makes up for in vicious attacks and vitriol one-liners.
And as with all revenge scenarios, after
killing his kids, Jaws is going to sleep with Brody’s wife.
He’s a Sexy Nurse Shark. He’s the…
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