Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Reindeer in Headlights. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 18, 2015

God’s door is always open because his son was born in a barn. First up…

 

Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation

Intelligence agencies have a tendency to take their Secret Santa way too serious.

Thankfully, the spies in this action movie are preoccupied with more pressing matters.

While trying to prove that a clandestine confederation of international crooks called the Syndicate does exist, IMF operative Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) ends up being framed for the murder of an Austrian official.

Now on the lam, Ethan recruits his trusted team (Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg, Ving Rhames) and a Syndicate defector (Rebecca Ferguson) to recover a flash drive containing the names of those involved in the consortium.

Sticking with the high-octane formula of white-knuckle excitement and unexpected intrigue that has made the Mission: Impossible franchise so successful, this fifth instalment of the series based on the 60s’ spy show ups the acting ante with its female addition.

Unfortunately, in reality, most flash drives simply contain vacation photos that need to be printed-off at Walmart.  Green Light

Fantastic Four

The worst part of being on a super-hero team with your family is every holiday you get off you have to spend with them.

And yes, as this sci-fi movie confirms, even if you are related through adoption.

Teenage tinkerer Reed (Miles Teller) creates a teleporter that attracts the eye of a government scientist (Reg E. Cathey) and his adopted daughter (Kate Mara).

Together with Sue’s brother (Michael B. Jordan), Reed’s friend (Jamie Bell), and another inventor (Toby Kebbell), they travel to a parallel world and return with powers of elasticity, combustion, invisibility, telekinesis and impenetrable exoskeleton.

Loosely inspired by Marvel’s first family, this regretful reboot lacks lucidity.  The comic’s congenial tone is as absent as the chemistry between Reed and Sue as well as The Thing’s pants.

Disjointed continuity aside, the overwrought acting is the real atrocity.

Besides, super-powered scientists only want to use their abilities to collect empirical data faster.  Red Light

Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials

The worst thing about a dystopian future is that all online dating profiles will be that of cannibals.

What’s more, the scary singles in sci-fi movie are also contagious.

After escaping from the maze, Thomas (Dylan O'Brien) and the others from the Glades (Thomas Brodie-Sangster, Kaya Scodelario, Ki Hong Lee) find themselves in a government facility protecting them from the virus and the infected outside.

Thomas doubts their host’s intentions and soon formulates an escape plan that will lead them to the Right Arm (Lili Taylor, Barry Pepper), resistance fighters in the mountains.

Despite a few twists, this second chapter of the Maze Runner doesn’t match its predecessor’s intrigue.

Reduced to derivative anti-government drivel like its contemporaries, Scorch Trials’ cliffhanger ending is hopefully not a continuance of this played out parable.

Mind you, it’s comforting to know that in a post-apocalyptic world survivors can look forward to a government pension.  Yellow Light

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Ted 2

If factory made toy bears could speak they’d probably communicate in their native tongue: mandarin.

But for some reason the talkative Teddy in this comedy has a Boston accent.

While John (Mark Wahlberg) is ready and willing to donate his sperm so his sentient stuffed animal friend Ted (Seth MacFarlane) can have a child with his wife, the US government won’t allow this until Ted’s lawyer (Amanda Seyfried) can prove he is a complex being with human emotions.

Meanwhile, Ted’s archenemy (Giovanni Ribisi) partners with a toy magnate to mass-produce the magical bear but first they must dissect him.

The unnecessary and uncertain sequel to the grossly overrated original, Ted 2 tries too hard to substantiate its benevolence and obvious liberal stance with viewers, while trying too little to construct jokes that aren’t racist, sexist or downright repugnant.

In other sociopolitical toy news: Dora and Diego have just been deported.  Red Light

***Memeow***

Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever

The best Christmas gift you can give a cat is a tree in the living room decorated in lights and tinsel.

Unfortunately, the only present the online feline in this comedy is getting is a friend.

Unloved due to her crabby disposition Grumpy Cat (Aubrey Plaza) is doomed to live in a mall pet shop.

It’s not until Chrystal (Megan Charpentier) visits the dilapidated store does Grumpy Cat find someone capable of hearing her cynical thoughts. Despite this miracle, the two don’t see eye-to-eye - except when it comes to foiling a dognapping ring.

Lifetime’s unctuous attempt at capitalizing off the virile mouser, Worst Christmas Ever is precisely that.

From its puerile script and ham-fisted acting to its general low-budget buffoonery, this money-grab officially ends Grumpy Cat’s lucrative fifteen minutes of fame.

That is, of course, unless someone decides to create a daily newspaper comic strip about a cantankerous cat.

He’s a Ninja Turtle Dove. He’s the…

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