He Wears a Santa Suit of Armour. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of December 11, 2014
Santa Claus’ real identity is Coca-Cola
shill. First up…
Ant-Man
The best thing about being a shrinking
super-hero is that when the fighting starts you can just disappear.
Thankfully, the pocket-sized protector in
this sci-fi movie isn’t as gutless.
Kindhearted ex-con Scott Lang (Paul Rudd)
agrees to help his ex-cellie Luis (Michael Peña) break-in to a vault, but
instead of riches he uncovers a suit that allows its user to shrink down and
commune with ants.
However, the designer - ex-S.H.E.I.L.D.
scientist Hank Pym (Michael Douglas) - and his daughter (Evangeline Lilly) want
to teach Scott how to use the get-up so he can stop Pym’s protégée Yellowjacket
(Corey Stoll) from selling the technology to HYDRA.
With astounding action and periodical
romance, this origin story shatters any preconceived notions you may have had
of Marvel’s C-list Avenger. More hilarious crime caper than caped crusader,
Ant-Man’s shortcomings are lost in Rudd’s unconventional charisma.
Mind you, shouldn’t Ant-Man’s archenemy
technically be Uncle-Woman? Green Light
Minions
Super-villains looking to save money should
consider Home Depot day laborers as their henchmen.
Inversely, the underlings in this
animated-comedy are looking for a super-villain to serve.
Since the dawn of time the diminutive and
dimwitted race of yellow beings called Minions have searched for a malevolent
mastermind to blindly follow, from T-Rex and Napoleon to Dracula.
It’s not until Minions Kevin, Stuart and
Bob (Pierre Coffin) venture to an evildoer convention do they find a worthy
wrongdoer in Scarlet Overkill (Sandra Bullock), who needs the trio to help
pilfer the Queen of England’s crown so that she can ascend to the throne.
Although they were tolerable in small doses
during the Despicable Me movies, this mind-numbing Minions-centric spin-off
finds the pint-sized sycophants’ brand of annoying gibberish finally wearing
out its welcome, along with their infantile antics.
Surprisingly, henchmen healthcare doesn’t
cover injuries sustained from faulty BAM or POW signs. Red Light
Knock, Knock
When young women appear on your doorstep it
usually means your online luring has worked.
Oddly, the family man in this thriller
hasn’t been to any online chat rooms lately.
Happily married Evan (Keanu Reeves) stays
home to nurse his injured shoulder while his wife (Ignacia Allamand) and
children go to the beach for the weekend.
His recuperation, however, is interrupted
by a knock at the door that later finds him playing host to soaking wet airline
stewardesses, Genesis (Lorenza Izzo) and Bel (Ana de Armas), who got lost on
their way to a party.
Evan is easily seduced. He wakes the next
morning to find the girls have taken him hostage, and are vandalizing his home.
Featuring Keanu’s worst performance ever,
this erotic cautionary tale fails to be the feminist think piece it hopes.
Instead it’s a far-fetched and laughable remake.
Besides, morning-after breakfast gets
really expensive with threesomes. Red
Light
***Fleece Navidad***
Santa Claus
With his powers of perception, Santa could
easily identify and eliminate bad children before they grew up into threats.
Unfortunately, the St. Nick in this fantasy
has opted out of selective infanticide.
Dispatched by the Devil to turn the
children of the world against Santa (José Elías Moreno), Satan’s main minion
Pitch (José Luis Aguirre) unsuccessfully convinces boys and girls to be bad.
He then sets out to personally sabotage the
robotic reindeers guiding Santa’s sleigh and steal the sleeping dust and magic
flower that the mage Merlin gave Santa for protection.
A Satanic Christmas story from south of the
border, this English dubbed Mexican import from 1959 is poorly shot, acted and
scripted. But it’s low product value and occult themes have established this as
a true holiday cult classic.
What’s more, after his experience with the
children of Mexico Santa decided to outsource his toy manufacturing to them.
He’s a
North Polling Station. He’s the…
Vidiot
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