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He’s a Red Tape Dispenser. He’s the…

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I make policy makers. First up…

Week of November 29, 2013

Red 2

The worst thing about retiring from espionage is no one wants to hear your secretly recorded conversations anymore.

Luckily, the girlfriend of the ex-spy in this action movie is interesting in his transcriptions.

While former CIA Black-ops specialist Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) is content with domestic life, his sadistic squeeze Sarah (Mary-Louise Parker) isn’t.

Fortunately for her, all that changes when Frank and his friend Marvin (John Malkovich) are classified as terrorists.

Hunted by MI6 (Victoria (Helen Mirren), Russian secret service (Catherine Zeta-Jones) and an assassin (Lee Byung-hun), the triad try to attain a scientist (Anthony Hopkins) with knowledge of a lost WMD before corrupt CIA agents do.

A phantasmagoria of reality defying gunfights, this obligatory sequel to the original retains its clever cast as well, but negates to thaw-out its contrived Cold War plot.

Incidentally, the best way to defeat a Russian army is with gay Olympic figure skaters.  Yellow Light

 

Jobs

Due to the millions who’ve been rundown by motorists on their iPhones, Steve Jobs is comparable to Stalin.

Mind you, his colleagues in this biography would liken him more to Hitler.

Gaining admiration for calligraphy, college dropout Steve Jobs (Ashton Kutcher) applies his knowledge to the burgeoning computer market.

Turning his friend Steve Wozniak’s (Josh Gad) pet project into the Apple 1, they, and some friends (Lukas Haas, Ron Eldard, Eddie Hassell, Victor Rasuk), then assemble its successor the Apple II.

However, Jobs can’t handle the success, and soon he alienates his partners, his shareholders, and his daughter from his life.

The Cliff’s Notes version of the iPod creator’s life, Jobs barley skims the surface of the egomaniacal genius. 

And the while the supporting cast contributes greatly, they are undercut by Kutcher’s clumsy imitation.

Furthermore, its deceptive title humiliated all those who showed up at the theater looking for employment opportunities.  Red Light

***The Blog of War***

 

WarGames

If the future of warfare is to be fought via computers, does that include gay computers?

Unfortunately, this cyber-thriller doesn’t ask or tell.

Scouring phone lines to find new video games, computer whiz David Lightman (Matthew Broderick) comes across a game titled Falken's Maze, which he inevitably hacks.

Unbeknownst to him, the digital diversion is actually a NORAD defense operating system that simulates war scenarios.

Engaged, the supercomputer enacts a missile attack from the Soviets that puts a NORAD engineer (Dabney Coleman) on the defensive.

To impede the processor from instigating a nuclear war, David must locate its creator (John Wood) and convince him to hit control-alt-delete.

Dated by today’s standards, WarGames is still an entertaining blend of Cold War espionage and early-1980s computer hacking that was years ahead of its time - and created a new sub-genre.

Thankfully, the only combat computers accommodate nowadays are vapid celebrity Twitter wars.

He’s Selfie Destructive. He’s the…

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He’s Breaking the Off-Colour Barrier. He’s the…

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Week of November 22, 2013

Blue toilet water and yellow pee make green. First up…

We’re the Millers

The best thing about smuggling drugs in a Winnebago is you can poop out the condom-encased kilos onboard.

Mind you, the motor home mules in this comedy don’t have anything up their butts.

Losing his stash helping his neighbour Kenny (Will Poulter) rescue teen-runaway Casey (Emma Roberts) from thugs, dealer David (Jason Sudeikis) must answer to his boss (Ed Helms).

To absolve the debt, David commissions an RV, enlists Kenny, Casey and his stripper neighbour Rose (Jennifer Aniston), and heads to Mexico to pick-up an order of marijuana as the Miller family.

However, they take the wrong shipment, and end up running from a kingpin (Tomer Sisley).

While the crass story is unfocussed, the titillating interplay between the Millers, and those they encounter, can be simultaneously deft and dumb. 

Incidentally, when you send your child to their room aboard an RV, you send them to the fold-out sleeper-bench in the kitchenette.  Green Light

The To Do List

The first item teenagers should check-off on their sexual experience to-do list is pregnancy scare.

Especially, since this comedy takes place before Plan B.

As the valedictorian for the class of 1993, Brandy’s (Aubrey Plaza) scholastic achievements outshine her sexual ones.

To rectify this before going to college, she compiles a list of sex tasks that culminate with her and Rusty (Scott Porter).

To scratch these arousing articles off her list, Brandy heeds the advice of her friends (Alia Shawkat, Sarah Steele), her sister (Rachel Bilson) and her mother (Connie Britton).

Unfortunately, her empirical approach to intercourse has an adverse effect on those around her, especially her platonic lab partner (Johnny Simmons).

Though it offers some good pointers to amateurs; ultimately, The To Do List is a drastically unfunny and unnecessarily revolting romp.

As for #1 on a man’s sexual to-do list: find a virgin with a sex to-do list. Red Light

2 Guns

The best way to smuggle drugs out of Mexico is aboard the Corona beer blimp.

Unfortunately, the mules in this action movie went with a car.

Apprehended at the boarder after meeting with a Mexican kingpin, Papi (Edward James Olmos), Trench (Denzel Washington) and Stigman (Mark Wahlberg) are taken into custody.

Later it’s revealed, Trench is undercover for the DEA, while Stigman is a disgraced Naval officer intent on taking Papi’s money to his commanding officer (James Marsden).

Since the drug deal tanked, Trench backs Stigman’s plan to rob Papi’s bank, and bring him up on laundering charges.

But Trench and Stigman aren’t the only ones keeping secrets.

While the boilerplate plot is predictable, the action is explosive and the curious chemistry between Washington and Wahlberg is classic buddy cop fare.

Furthermore, a dead giveaway that someone is an undercover Navy officer is their severe case of land legs. Green Light

Paranoia

The key to being a titan in the Tech industry is to create an App that creates Apps.

Contritely, the creators in this cyber-thriller concocted a less remarkable product.

Unable to impress his boss, Nicholas Wyatt (Gary Oldman), with a program that allows users to sync their cell phones to nearby television screens, Adam (Liam Hemsworth) is fired.

But after a night-out with friends on the company’s credit card, Wyatt blackmails him into infiltrating a competing company, run by Wyatt’s former partner, Goddard (Harrison Ford).

To bypass Goddard’s firewalls, Adam needs to seduce an employee (Amber Heard) to give him the Intel he needs.

A failed study of wireless communications, Paranoia is instead padded with cardboard performances, pointless car chases and a hackneyed hacker subplot.

Furthermore, when you send a twenty-something year old to go work for your competitor and spy for you, they usually show up late and hung-over.

Red Light

***Student Body Double***

Never Been Kissed

The hardest part of going back to high school undercover is getting your acne to flare up again.

Luckily, the undercover journalist in this romantic-comedy has her virginity to draw upon.

Sent back to high school by her editor (Garry Marshall) to get the scoop on today’s youth, Josie (Drew Barrymore) jumps at the chance to show her skills.

But the thought of returning jogs her own high school memories of being a loser.

Unable to escape that categorization again, she’s lumped with bully target Aldys (Leelee Sobieski).

Meanwhile, Josie has her first romantic relationship with a teacher (Michael Vartan), who believes her to be a student.

Despite the earmarks of a typical rom-com, Never Been Kissed exceeds its own classification with smart writing and astute observations on the teenage animal.

Incidentally, “I thought he/she was an undercover journalist” is a good excuse for any teacher accused of sexual interference.

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Week for November 15, 2013

Superman tattoos are my Kryptonite. First up…

Man of Steel

At last, Hollywood has decided to embrace the modern family dynamic with a super-hero raised by two fathers.

What’s more, the alien in this action movie also has 2 moms.

During Krypton’s final hours, Jor-El (Russell Crowe) infuses his son with the DNA of the planet’s population, and launches him into space.

Landing on Earth, he's adopted by a farm couple (Kevin Costner, Diane Lane).

Imbued with extraordinary powers but unable to exploit them without exposing himself, Clark (Henry Cavill) struggles to find his way.

But that changes when a Kryptonian prisoner (Michael Shannon) comes to Earth intending to colonize it.

While this reboot has the most fisticuffs of any Superman film, its love story with Lois (Amy Adams) lacks oomph, and its dark alterations to the character’s moral conduct are uncharacteristic and unwelcome.

Incidentally, the best way to thwart any super-powered savior from the heavens is to crucify them.  Yellow Light

Frances Ha

The best thing about being apart of the Millennial Generation is that you can wear your Superman costume to work.

And while the protagonist in this dramedy doesn’t partake in her age groups theatrics, she has their mind set.

When Frances’ (Greta Gerwig) best friend Sophie (Mickey Sumner) moves out, she is left to pay rent on her paltry dance salary.

Unable to cover the cost, she rents the couch of two artists (Adam Driver, Michael Zegen). But again, she cannot afford it.

Later, Frances bunks with a fellow dancer (Grace Gummer) and takes a trip to Paris.

Meanwhile, Sophie has got engaged to an old flame (Michael Esper).

Although it takes awhile to get adjusted to Frances’ social awkwardness, and her irresponsible nature, eventually she - and the black and white cinematography - becomes endearingly sweet.

Furthermore, sleeping on peoples’ couches is only embarrassing when you bring someone home.  Green Light

***Man of Steal***

Steel

Wearing a suit made out of steel sounds amazing. Moving around in a suit made of steel sounds impossible.

Fortunately, the 7-foot tall vigilante in this action movie has the strength to manipulate his metal pants.

When a weapon he designed for the army causes an accident that cripples his friend, Sparky (Annabeth Gish), John Henry Irons (Shaquille O'Neal) retires.

With Irons gone, a duplicitous army officer, Nathaniel Burke (Judd Nelson), begins selling Irons’ lethal inventions to the criminal underworld.

When Irons’ gets wind of this, he recruits a now wheelchair bound Sparky and Uncle Joe (Richard Roundtree), to help him wage war against Burke and his cronies in an impenetrable armoured suit.

Based on the DC Comics character inspired by Superman, Steel’s armour has many chinks: namely Shaq’s acting abilities and its insufferable script. 

Sadly, when this African American hero arrives, old white women still think he’s the villain.

He’s an X-Ray Visionary. He’s the…

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Week of November 8, 2013

My work here is overdone. First up…

Grown Ups 2

The best part of being a grown up is that you can buy alcohol for your under-age girlfriend.

Thankfully, the adults in the comedy are married to fellow grown ups.

Desperate to relive his childhood, Lenny (Adam Sandler) moves his wife (Salma Hayek) and children to his Connecticut hometown.

Reunited with grade school buddies Eric (Kevin James), Kurt (Chris Rock) and Higgins (David Spade), Lenny plans to make this summer the most memorable.

But for that to happen the gang must endure a childhood bully (Steve Astin), rowdy frat boys (Taylor Lautner, Milo Ventimiglia), an estranged son (Alexander Ludwig) and angry wives (Maya Rudolph, Maria Bello).

The unwarranted sequel to the awful original, Grown Ups 2 foregoes plot for the sake of puerile pranks perpetrated by formerly funny comedians.

Besides, growing up doesn’t mean you have to stop being a kid, it just means you can't be tried as one.  Red Light

White House Down

The upside to being an African American President is that if you are ever taken hostage, the authorities will actually negotiate for your release.

However, the higher-ups in this action movie cannot be trusted.

While U.S. Capitol Police officer John Cale (Channing Tatum) is touring the White House with his estranged daughter (Joey King), Pennsylvania Avenue is attacked by homegrown terrorists lead by a civil servant (James Woods).

During the melee, Cale comes to the aid of the president (Jamie Foxx), who is required by the gunmen to launch nuclear weapons.

Meanwhile, to avert an air strike, his daughter broadcasts vital Intel to the outside world via her Youtube channel.

Mired in patriotic rhetoric, green-screen action and an ignominious Obama impersonation from Jamie Foxx, White House Down doesn’t hide its hostage movie inspiration or it’s hackneyed plot twists.

Besides, forget launch codes - get the president’s keys to the Roswell UFO.  Red Light

Lovelace 

Before pornography was peddled to women as shoddily written Twilight fan-fiction, it was shown to men on 16mm film.

Either way, as this biography proves, both were profitable.

Straight-laced Linda Boreman (Amanda Seyfried) and her girlfriend (Juno Temple) take a go-go dancing gig at a roller rink.

On stage, Linda attracts the attention of Chuck Traynor (Peter Sarsgaard) who goads her into introducing him to her parents (Sharon Stone, Robert Patrick) - confident they will approve of him.

Chuck’s charm does its job, and soon enough they’re married.

Impressed with her oral skills, he lands Linda the lead in a porno titled Deep Throat.

A mainstream success, Linda’s life is commandeered by Chuck and navigated into a world of forced prostitution and physical abuse.

Erupting with cameos, this stylistic take on Linda’s sad sex-life is well acted, cleverly directed and brutally detailed.

However, who wants to watch a porno about Watergate?  Green Light

***Shallow Throat***

Dick

The White House would make an excellent setting for a porno, with all of its dick-heads, pussies and assholes.

Unfortunately, the Deep Throat in this comedy is really a whistleblower.

On the White House tour, Betsy (Kirsten Dunst) and Arlene (Michelle Williams) are whisked away by G. Gordon Liddy (Harry Shearer) and interrogated on their accidental involvement in Watergate.

Dumb but dangerous, President Nixon (Dan Hedaya) appoints them White House dog-walkers.

Around the oval office, however, they continue to unknowingly influence the course of history.

When dismissed from office, they decide to tell-all to Woodward (Will Ferrell) and Bernstein (Bruce McCulloch) under an assumed name inspired by a blue movie.

A witty re-imagining of the Watergate scandal, Dick has enough history to be educational, and enough laughs to make history tolerable.

Incidentally, the only ones having sex in the White House during Nixon’s reign was Checkers and Spiro Agnew’s leg.

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Week of November 1, 2013

We get education to work and work to pay-off education. First up…

Monsters University

Higher education benefits all creatures so long as they don’t major in Monster Anthropology, Monster Psychology or Monster Fine Arts.

Luckily, neither creepy co-ed in this animated-comedy is studying the aforementioned.

At M.U. for a degree in scaring children to supply energy to their world, one-eyed teenage monster Mike Wazowski (Billy Crystal) isn’t as well received at school as his fellow scarer Sulley (John Goodman).

To prove his frightfulness, Mike joins a rag-tag fraternity (Charlie Day, Joel Murray, Dave Foley, Sean Hayes) and competes in the Scare Games alongside Sulley.

But their doubt in each other threatens to cost them the event - and their education.

The prequel to Monsters Inc., Monster University reunites the monsters but doesn’t give them much to work with in the way of narrative, substance or laughs.

What’s worse, these monsters will have to carry around their student loan debt until angry villagers behead them.  Yellow Light

R.I.P.D.

If there is a ghost police department than I know exactly where all those bags of day-old donuts have been going.

Surprisingly, this action-comedy doesn’t delve into their disappearance at all.

 

After being shot-dead by his partner (Kevin Bacon), police sergeant Walker (Ryan Reynolds) finds himself in an arresting afterlife.

Enrolled in the ethereal Rest In Peace Department by Mildred Proctor (Mary-Louise Parker) and partnered with deceased US Marshal Roy (Jeff Bridges), Nick is tasked with tracking down dead souls clandestinely living among humans.

On the beat, Nick and Roy learn of a plan by the secret dead to reverse the way to heaven, sending all souls back to earth.

Based on an obscure comic book, R.I.P.D. rips off Men in Black, and adds nothing to the cooption but a cartoonish story, hokey acting and lackluster effects.

Besides, a dead police force is nothing but a burden on dead taxpayers.  Red Light

Before Midnight

Before you do anything at midnight, double check the clock to make sure that it’s not actually 12:00 noon.

Fortunately, the couple in this drama has an excellent concept of time.

Nearly a decade after we last saw them, successful American author Jesse (Ethan Hawke) and his French lover Céline (Julie Delpy) are now raising twins.

At the end of their Grecian summer vacation, the pair spends the night at a hotel. During their evening, a heated debate about their relationship is ignited.

While Céline calls Jesse’s fidelity into question, he challenges her parenting skills, which results in her doubting their love.

With its relevant stance on relationship qualms, this second sequel to Before Sunrise serves as an endearing and worthy bookend to the dialogue heavy trilogy that began in 1995.

Luckily, thanks to Greece’s recession, you can easily get out of the doghouse by buying your wife the Parthenon.  Green Light

***Underwear Graduate Degree***

 

National Lampoon's Van Wilder

Economically speaking, most parents would likely prefer to have a permanent high school student as a child than a permanent college student.

Unfortunately, the father in this comedy has the latter.

After seven-years of loafing through college, Van Wilder’s (Ryan Reynolds) dad (Tim Matheson) has enough and cuts off all funding to his son.

Forced to go it alone, Van makes an agreement with school heads that he can cram a year’s worth of information into his head in six days, and finally graduate.

But that won’t be easy, as Van is in a prank-off with a fraternity brother that doesn’t like him hitting on his girlfriend Gwen (Tara Reid).

More gross-out comedy than genuine laughs, for some reason Van Wilder has had a cult-like following that relished its over-the-top sexual perversions, and revel in the leads blasé nature.

Incidentally, the ultimate college prank is convincing students to buy textbooks. 

He’s an Old School Dropout. He’s the…

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