Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Sleigh Bellhop. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 23, 2010

Gingerbread home invasions are on the rise. First up…

Salt

By omitting pepper from this–the first ever–movie about seasoning, Hollywood has once again exhibited its racist tendencies.

Oh, wait. This movie isn’t about the harmonious tabletop condiments, but a sleeper agent who awakens.

While cross-examining a Russian turncoat, CIA agent Evelyn Salt (Angelina Jolie) is made aware that she has been planted in America to assassinate the visiting Russian president.

Sought by her own agency as a traitor, Evelyn must go on the lam to clear her name. However, eluding her fellow agent/friend (Liev Schreiber) is not so easy.

With kinetic energy from the get go, Salt doesn’t skimp on the action. But by not cutting back on the more fantastical sequences, this lady becomes impregnable.

In fact, the only way a woman would ever be able to take down hundreds of guys was if her child was pinned under a car and she was on her period.  0

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

The reason money doesn’t sleep, like the rest of us, is because it’s too busy counting itself.

And while the greedy investor in this financial drama slept in prison, he likely did so on his back.

After doing 8 years for insider trading, Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) finds himself released into a world where his former motto “Greed is Good” has proliferated into the markets’ mantra – which explains why it’s teetering on collapse.

Meanwhile, Jake (Shia LaBeouf), a young trader, wants Gekko’s help to solve his mentor’s (Frank Langella) murder. As well, he hopes to marry Gordon’s estranged, indignant daughter (Carey Mulligan).

While it does sound intriguing to have Douglas reprise the miserly role he made famous in 1987 and place said character in the current financial crisis, Money Never Sleeps, unfortunately, is a serious snore.

Furthermore, money does sleep…when it’s nestled between a woman’s garter belt and inner thigh.  0

Step Up 3D

If impromptu dance-offs occur on your campus often, there’s a pretty good chance your dormitory is infested with jitterbugs.

Fortunately, there doesn’t seem to be any creepy crawlies in this dance movie, save for the worm.

When street-dancers Moose (Adam Sevani) and Camille (Alyson Stoner) attend NYU they must decide how to spend their time away from home: poplocking or learning? While Camille chooses the ladder, Moose joins an underground dance crew that aspires to win the upcoming World Jam dance contest.

Meanwhile, the crew’s videographer (Rick Malambri) unknowing falls for the sister (Sharni Vinson) of the rival squad’s leader. Needles to say, routines are stolen and new ones are needed.

While the dance moves are mind-boggling, the rest of Step Up 3D is a retread of every other dance movie out there.

However, it is proof that University is more than just about books; it’s about pulling your groin.  0

Easy A

Thanks to social networking, students no longer have to abandon their stereotypes when they graduate.

And while high school gossips, bullies and class clowns can thrive on the Internet, only those labeled “easy” can flourish in both worlds.

After she pretends to have sex with a homosexual student to help him appear straight, a smart-mouthed student, Olive (Emma Stone), finds her own life mimicking the Puritan allegory that she’s studying in school.

Labeled a sinner by the class Christian (Amanda Bynes), Olive decides to roll with her new branding – until it effects those closest to her.

A wry comedy starring a self-assured teen from the ‘burbs, Easy A is derivative of every John Hughes movie, which it references ad nauseam. Unfortunately, the similarities end when it comes to delivering the laughs.

Furthermore, when people are referencing the '80s, they need to specify if they’re referencing the 1980s or the 1880s.  0

***Satan Claws***

Santa Claus

Santa Claus and Satan have a lot in common. Both reside in isolated areas where they are aided by subordinates, both habitually wear red, and both undermine Jesus Christ.

So, it comes as a surprise that one would want to destroy the other.

When the Devil sends a proxy to entice Mexican children into being naughty, Santa Claus (José Elías Moreno) must repair the damage.

But to successfully thwart the demon’s efforts, Santa must first arm himself with some special gadgets, created especially for him by the magician Merlin. Unfortunately, the magi’s gizmos have no effect on the gangs of disenchanted youths.

Badly dubbed over in English, this madcap Mexican import from 1959 is a peculiar piñata packed with pagan ritual, Arthurian legend and Western malarkey.

And while Santa Claus would never really lend Mexican children a hand, he would certainly put them to work in his toy manufacturing plant.

He’s Saint Nixed. He’s the…

Vidiot