Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's Stepping on Mistletoes. He’s The…

Vidiot

Week of December 16, 2010

Donation boxes are a real money saver. First up…

The Town

The hardest part of robbing banks nowadays is getting the ATM to get down on the ground and to stop looking at your face.

Fortunately, the armed robbers in this heist picture decided to jack the driver of an armored car instead.

Born into a life of crime, constant companions Doug (Ben Affleck) and Jem (Jeremy Renner) mature into seasoned bank robbers. On their most recent job, however, Doug’s professionalism begins to slip.

Assigned to shadow a bank teller (Rebecca Hall) that they used as a hostage, Doug inadvertently falls in love.

Meanwhile, a tenacious FBI agent (Jon Hamm) draws ever closer to the boys’ identities.

Directed by Ben Affleck, The Town seems like a typical bank job movie, however, familiar fissures in the friendship and promises of “one last time” are accentuated by bold performances and puissant gunplay.

To quell further robberies, banks need to start dispensing nickels only.  0

The Other Guys

There are two kinds of cops. Those that protect taxpayers from bad guys. And those that put on their siren just so they can go through a red light.

Fortunately, the flatfoots in this action-comedy are the former. Unfortunately, they’ve never had the chance to prove it.

Living in the shadow of the forces’ top cops (Dwayne Johnson, Samuel L. Jackson), the paper pushing detective Gamble (Will Ferrell) and his halfcocked partner Det. Hoitz (Mark Wahlberg) finally get their chance.

But while Hoitz is hell-bent on cracking skulls, Gamble is more interested in cracking down on building infractions, which, auspiciously, leads to a multi-billion dollar Ponzi scheme involving the police retirement fund.

With an equal balance of firearms and funny lines, this fourth collaboration between director Adam McKay and Will Ferrell ranks among their best.

However, to truly be top cop, one must first survive a round of taser tag.  0

The A-Team

The best part about counterfeiting money is that you can put whoever’s face on the bills you want.

If you’re like the thieves in this movie, however, you’ll want U.S. Treasury plates, and not a photocopier, at your disposal.

Hannibal (Liam Neeson) and his band of ex-special forces officers, Faceman (Bradley Cooper), B.A. (Quinton Jackson) and Murdock (Sharlto Copley), are asked by the CIA to recover stolen plates from Iraqi insurgents.

When their mission is complete, however, Hannibal and his friends discover they’ve been set-up. Now, they must clear their names and re-recover the plates.

While it’s based on the popular 80s television series, this version has little in common with its inspiration, save for the character names. And though the action is palpable, the plot never comes together.

In fact, The A-Team is further proof that 80s inspiration only works when it comes to music, fashion and pubic hair.  0

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole

Because owls have razor-sharp talons, and an appetite for small rodents, it’s important to never approach one if you have a Fu Manchu moustache or a rattail haircut.

Luckily, there are no humans with long, tapered locks hanging off of their head in this animated 3-D adventure.

Raised on tales of the gallant Guardians of Ga'Hoole, a young barn owl, Soren (Jim Sturgess), and his new friends Gylfie (Emily Barclay), Grimble (Hugo Weaving), Twilight (Anthony LaPaglia) and Digger (David Wenham) attempt to locate the winged-warriors to get them to help rescue Soren’s brother Kludd (Ryan Kwanten) from a parliament of puritanical owls–hell-bent on genocide.

Based on the book series, The Owls of Ga’Hoole is a slickly designed feature with ample action, vibrant voice work and much darker tones than most modern animated features.

And though the owls here don’t get along, they do have a common enemy in eclipses.  0

Despicable Me

When you steal the moon, you run the risk of pissing off surfers, werewolves, and flag-planting Americans – which makes it the perfect plan to propel the villainous Gru (Steve Carell) into the bad guy stratosphere.

After being bested by a new heavy, Vector (Jason Segel), Gru is compelled to up the ante by purloining the planetoid known as the moon. Unfortunately, he cannot obtain a bank loan for his scheme until he secures a shrink ray, which his younger and richer rival has just stolen.

In order to retrieve said device, Gru employs three orphans (Miranda Cosgrove, Dana Gaier, Elsie Fisher), who turn the tables and end up challenging him to be a better man.

Teeming with toddler, teen and tall people tomfoolery, Despicable Me is a rib tickler, especially the primrose yellow pellets called Minions.

And if the moon is ever stolen, owls will have to get day jobs.  0

***Forgoing Through Withdrawals***

Killing Zoe

Since banks aren’t open past 5 p.m., if you’re a moonlighting bank robber, you’re going to have to take time off work.

Fortunately, the bandits in this bank heist were born into a life of crime.

In Paris to assist his old friend Eric (Jean-Hugues Anglade) with a job, American safecracker Zed (Eric Stoltz) kills time with a prostitute, Zoe (Julie Delpy), whom he shares an instant rapport with.

The two lovers are later reunited when a masked Zed holds up the bank where Zoe works. Compelled to protect her from the erratic Eric, who has instigated a gunfight with Paris’ finest, Zed puts his lifelong friendship with Eric as well as his own life on the line.

Truly a hidden heist gem, Killing Zoe is an innovative and intriguing investment that gains greater interest with each viewing.    

However, robbing banks is now futile since no one has any money.

He’s a Snow Bank Robber. He’s the…

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