Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s the Superstar of Bethlehem. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 2, 2010

Don’t you just hate people who celebrate month-long birthdays? First up…

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Teens have it easy. Nowadays, a girl can freely have a threesome with a vampire and a werewolf, and no one says boo.

Back in my day, they’d lynch you for just flirting with a Frankenstein.

Thankfully, the times have changed, however, women's eternal turn-on of nice guy/bad boy love triangles has not.

As Bella (Kristen Stewart) and her fanged fiancé Edward (Robert Pattinson) plan their wedding, the vengeful Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard) gets her retribution against the betrothed by siccing her army of newly turned vampires on them.

To defeat the horde, Edward must team with Bella’s canine crush, Jacob (Taylor Lautner).

The third installment of the franchise, Eclipse is the first blockbuster: the cast is heavily airbrushed, the soundtrack is overproduced, and the love story is thrice as campy as before.

On the plus side, however, when you marry the deceased, their life insurance policy kicks in immediately.  0

Vampires Suck

Why would a girl ever love a vampire? With all those pointy planks, they could never build her a picket fence. And if they could, when would they build it...at night?

Unfortunately, the chaste chick in this Twilight Saga spoof did not heed said advice.

When an introverted youth, Becca (Jenn Proske), moves to a small-town to live with her father (Diedrich Bader), she finds herself immersed in a bizarre love triangle with a vampire, Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), and a werewolf, Jacob (Christopher N. Riggi). To make matters worse, the local vampire clan and wolf pack are at odds with one another, leaving Becca torn.

By only lampooning the Twilight series, and not referencing every other movie, the makers of these insipid spoof movies–along with their comedic cameos–have finally done a so-so job.

Regardless, though, of whomever Becca chooses, breast-feeding their offspring will be a bitch.  0

Knight and Day

The best part of dating a wanted man is that you can finally get him to cut that hair, shave that beard, and remove that tattoo from his face.

Fortunately, the wanted man whom June (Cameron Diaz) is carousing with in this romantic-action-comedy does not have face ink. He is, however, being hunted by the FBI.

Before her flight home, June serendipitously encounters fellow passenger Roy (Tom Cruise) on several occasions.

But when the feds suspect that she and Roy–a rogue agent with a stolen perpetual motion machine and its inventor (Paul Dano) in his possession–are in cahoots, June is thrust into the cutthroat world of espionage and relationships.

Though the killer couple storyline has been shot to death, Knight and Day makes up for that misstep by featuring rousing car chases and bubbly banter.

As for the best Christmas present for a spy: a cyanide pill organizer.  0

                       Going the Distance

Thanks to technology, you can meet, date and dump a person without ever having met him or her in person.

However, the newly dating and distantly challenged couple in this romantic-comedy would rather the face-to-face.

When record label scout Garrett (Justin Long) fortuitously encounters Erin (Drew Barrymore), an intern at the local paper, in a New York bar, he and his two friends (Jason Sudeikis, Charlie Day) instantly take a shine to her.

Turning their one-night stand into a “thing”, all are grief-stricken when Erin must return to San Francisco to finish her journalism degree.

To ease their pain, they decide that it would be a good idea to continue their affair far away from each other.

Containing keen observations on the subject, and a seminal comedic performance from Charlie Day, Going the Distance works.

Now, if there was only a way you could continue a long deceased relationship.  0

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

The worst part of being a sorcerer’s apprentice is having to hand wash all of their pointed purple hats and matching star-covered silk robes.

Fortunately, the wizard in this live-action Disney adaptation doesn’t wear a pointy hat.

After years of waiting for Merlin’s successor, the warlock Balthazar (Nicolas Cage) finally finds a worthy candidate, Dave (Jay Baruchel), in modern times.

What’s more, the malevolent magi Maxim (Alfred Molina) is on the loose in Manhattan, dead set on helping the imprisoned enchantress Morgan le Fay (Alice Krige) raise her army of the dead. To prevent this from happening, Balthazar must expedite Dave’s education.

Based on the Mickey Mouse vignette from Disney’s Fantasia, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is a startling interpretation, with the bulk of it dedicated to eye-popping illusions, spectral spell casting and an annoying heir.   

Regrettably, the only magic that my Druid belief system allows me to practice is sex magic.  0

***Fangs for the Memories***

Dracula: Dead and Loving It

To millions of infatuated little girls, Dracula is the creepy uncle to all those brooding teen vampires they love so much.

And while their aged ancestor doesn’t mope around bare-chested in this vampire spoof, he does have a Hungarian accent.

After purchasing an Abby in England, Count Dracula (Leslie Nielsen) and his servant Renfield (Peter MacNicol) board a vessel and make the journey from Transylvania.

In London, Dracula meets Dr. Seward (Harvey Korman), his daughter Mina (Amy Yasbeck), her fiancé Harker (Steven Weber) and Lucy (Lysette Anthony), whom he later feeds upon.

When Lucy’s found the next day, drained of blood, Dr. Van Helsing (Mel Brooks) is contacted to help with the evident vampire problem.

A screwball send-up of the 1931 classic, director Mel Brooks amiably but aptly ridicules the undead phenomenon.

Coincidently, vampires would make great stand-up comedians: they keep odd hours, they’re depressed and they kill every night.  

He’s Rolling Up His Greensleeves. He’s the…

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