Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Over Eats His Words. He’s the…

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Week of September 16, 2011

That’s it! I’m going on a diatribe. First up…

Thor

For many parts of the population, a blond-haired, hammer-wielding, Aryan hero is more akin to a villain.

Fortunately, Leni Riefenstahl didn’t direct this action movie based on the Norse God of Thunder.

After Frost Giants break into Asgard to reclaim a stolen relic, Thor (Chris Hemworth), son of Odin (Anthony Hopkins), and his warrior friends (Tadanobu Asano, Jaimie Alexander, Joshua Dallas, Ray Stevenson) retaliate.

Unfortunately, their actions break a long-standing truce. In turn, Thor’s stripped of his mighty hammer and banished to Earth.

Exiled, he develops feelings for an astrophysicist (Natalie Portman).

Meanwhile, Thor’s brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) ascends to the throne.

Based on the Marvel Comics character, Thor brilliantly bridges the gap between hubris and humanity with universal themes of brotherly betrayal in order to be applicable.

Besides, with that hammer, Thor should just do what all long-haired, earthbound, sons of a god do here, and take up carpentry.  0  

X-Men: First Class

For all their complaining about equal rights, why don’t the X-Men ride back in coach with the rest of us?

And while this action movie isn’t about the economic divide on airplanes, it is about the segregation of the genetically gifted.

In 1962, the Hellfire Club (Kevin Bacon, January Jones, Jason Flemyng) puts in place a plan to expedite the Cuban Missile Crisis.

To thwart their scheme, the CIA hires mutant telepath Xavier (James McAvoy) to locate them.

But to defeat them, he and his metal-manipulating mate (Michael Fassbender) must first assemble their own team (Jennifer Lawrence, Caleb Landry Jones, Lucas Till).

While its modish modification of the Marvel Comics mutants is superior to previous installments, the friendship between the passive professor and the megalomaniac Magneto is ultimately ignored, as is comic book and film franchise continuity.

As for the worst mutant power: the ability to look like a mutant.  0

13 Assassins

The problem with thirteen assassins sent to kill one person is that, by the time it’s your turn to strike, the target’s been dead for 20 minutes.

Fortunately, the objective in this action movie has enough armed-guards to keep all of the killers content.

In Edo, the son of a former Shogun (Gorô Inagaki) terrorizes the countryside, raping and murdering at whim.

Fearing the sadistic lord will rise to a higher position, the services of an elderly samurai, Shinzaemon (Koji Yakusho), are sought.

In order to snuff out the savage noble, Shinzaemon assembles former samurais to assist him in the ambush.

Unfortunately, the anticipated 70 guardsmen turn out to be 200 strong.

Inspired by true events, 13 Assassins is a blood-soaked, myth-laden, revenge mission, heavily rooted in the bushido code of honour.

Samurais are so respectful, in fact, that disemboweled warriors will actually mop up their own guts before dying.  0

***Spandex-Men ***

Superheroes

The reason normal people don’t dress up like comic book superheroes and fight crime is because they can’t afford to copyright both their costume and their code-name.

Fortunately for the real-life masked marvels in this documentary, no one will ever want to infringe on their intellectual property.

Inspired by what they’ve seen in movies and read in comic books, a number of men and women in America have donned capes in order to thwart evil.

From Mr. Extreme–a San Diego superhero who sleeps in his van–to Master Legend–a Floridian crime-fighter who frequents bars in his costume–hometown heroes are rampant.

There is even a collective: Team Justice, who stage nightly stings in an attempt to keep the streets safe.

Frightening, engaging and uproarious, HBO’s Superheroes is an uncanny viewing experience.      

Now, if we can only get rapists to wear elaborate stage make-up, we’ll have our super villains. 

He's a Dweeb Dealer. He’s the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He has a Low, Low Price on his Head. He’s the…

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Week of September 9, 2011

I don't want to die while I'm still alive. First up…

Hanna

The idea of a teenage girl killing someone in cold blood is completely absurd – unless, of course, you count cyber-bulling classmates into committing suicide.

And while the teen in this action movie uses her fingertips to assail, they’re for pulling triggers, not for texting.

Raised in the wilds of Finland by her father Erik (Eric Bana), Hanna (Saoirse Ronan) grows up with no concept of the outside world, except for what her father teaches her.

When she is not being home schooled, Hanna is groomed to be an elite killer.

When prepared, she is released into society where she carries out her father’s order to kill a top CIA agent (Cate Blanchett).

A cerebral thriller, Hanna synchronizes kinetic action sequences with calming coming-of-age moments, creating a unique interpretation of the femme fatale.

However, the trouble with adolescent assassins is that their adult targets never take the wounds that they inflict seriously.  0

Everything Must Go

Erecting a delousing booth adjacent to a yard sale is an excellent way to make some extra cash during the summer.

Unfortunately, the clothing on the front lawn of the loser in this drama is not there for rummaging.

After he is fired from his high paying executive job for excessive drinking, Nick (Will Ferrell) thinks that he has hit rock bottom.

However, upon returning home, he discovers that things have just worsened.

Lining his front lawn is everything he owns. Accompanying his junk is a Dear John letter from his wife.

With no where else to go, Nick takes up residence on his lawn, where his days are comprised of heavy drinking and soul searching.

A depressing story of self-destruction, adorned with delicate moments of humanity, Everything Must Go is a poignant film.

And while someone's stuff on their front lawn usually signifies a yard sale, it can also denote a tornado.  0

***She Hit Man***

Nikita

The reason teenagers make such bad assassins is that they Tweet their target and location beforehand, resulting in blood-soaked ambushes.

And while the teen assassin in this action movie isn’t tweeting, she is tweaking.

When a group of juvenile junkies attempt to heist a pharmacy, they find themselves in a shootout with police.

For her part in the incident, drug addict Nikita (Anne Parillaud) is sentenced to death. However, instead of execution, she is spirited away by French intelligence and trained to be an elite assassin.

With a meteoric rise through the hit person ranks, she is soon groomed for the position of sleeper agent.

Unfortunately, her undercover mission is jeopardized when she falls in love.

A thrilling portrayal of a feisty femme fatale, director Luc Besson presents a gritty, violent depiction of what it takes to be a hit woman.

Besides, when women assassins have PMS, their productivity triples.

He's a Schmoozing Target. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He went to Degrade School. He’s the…

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Week of September 2, 2011

Knowledge is free; diplomas are not. First up…

Prom

When a high school hosts a 1920s-themed Prom and the graduating class comes dressed in Civil War attire, it is irrefutable evidence our education system is failing.

Thankfully, the premise of the promenade in this teen-comedy does not involve any historical accuracy.  

When all of the decorations for the prom perish in a random fire, the class president (Aimee Teegarden) is left scrabbling.

Serendipitously, the class badass (Thomas McDonell) infuriates the principal, garnering himself a severe punishment, wherein he must help craft the new ornaments.

Simultaneously, a host of other clichéd high school romances sprout up and play out in similar fashion.

A rose coloured representation of high school graduation, Disney’s Prom is squeaky clean: the actors are fresh faced, the vignettes are wishy-washy and the jokes are sterile.

Besides, how can you even call it a senior prom if there wasn’t even one abandoned newborn found in the toilet?  0

***Prom Bombshell*** 

She’s All That

The only downside to being Prom Queen is that you can’t behead any of your zit-faced subjects.

Fortuitously, the Prom Queen in this teen-comedy is merely a pawn.

Distraught over a break-up, Zach (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) makes a bet with his friend Dean (Paul Walker) that he can turn any female candidate into a royal consort before the prom.

In charge of selecting a worthy contender, Dean decides on Laney (Rachael Leigh Cook), a dowdy art student.

Accepting the challenge, Zach begins reworking the reject and eventually turns her into something very regal.

But Zach’s newfound feelings for Laney are jeopardized when she learns the truth.

With doe eyed leads and a dumbed down plot, this slightly amusing adaptation of Pygmalion turns the ugly duckling anecdote on its ear.

Besides, it doesn’t matter who the Prom Queen is, the Prom King will inevitability be going home with the Prom Lady-in-Waiting.

He's a Prom Knight. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Empower Tool. He’s the…

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Week of August 26, 2011

Therapists don’t want you to get better. First up…

The Beaver

The upside to depression is that your all-black attire hides stains so well you won’t have to do laundry.

Case in point, the despondent dad in this dramedy, who is wearing something so dark, he’ll never need fabric softener again.

Depressed, ever since taking over his family’s toy company, Walter (Mel Gibson) barely speaks to his workaholic wife (Jodie Foster) and troubled sons (Anton Yelchin, Thomas Stewart).

In fact, it’s not until a failed suicide, does he find his voice – unfortunately, it's coming out of a hand puppet.

Surrendering himself to an overbearing beaver, Walter begins to mend fences at home and work with its help.

But what does the googly-eyed rodent want in return?

While its dark, quirkiness works to a degree, The Beaver’s erratic plotline grows less grounded over time. 

And while I’ve never worn a beaver on my own hand, my fingers have smelt like one before.  0

POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold

The best thing about corporations controlling the film industry is that audiences can now get a version of Romeo and Juliet, starring Aunt Jemima and the Michelin Man.

Unfortunately, there are no performances from trademarked spokes-characters in this documentary.

Fed up with product placement in movies, filmmaker Morgan Spurlock attempts to produce a documentary solely funded by advertising dollars.

While approaching every possible product representative he can find, Spurlock supplements his story with factoids from ad firms, consumer advocates (Ralph Nader) and filmmakers (J.J. Abrams, Brett Ratner, Quentin Tarantino).

A lighthearted look at the over saturation of ads in our culture, The Greatest Movie Ever Sold does prove a point – albeit an obvious one.

What’s more, the most prominent product in this documentary is Spurlock himself, whose omnipresence in front of the camera is completely unethical.

Besides, if corporations are so evil: Why did Exxonmobil accept my Facebook friend request?  0

***Commercial Breakdown***

How to Get Ahead in Advertising

The best way to get ahead in advertising is to know the devil.

Unfortunately, since the frazzled ad man in this comedy isn’t acquitted with Lucifer, he will have to get a head literally.

With a growing concern over the ethical nature of his profession, ad executive Bagley (Richard E. Grant) becomes mentally unhinged.

While struggling to come up with a slogan for a zit cream, his mania is compounded by the appearance of a pustule on his shoulder that has begun to speak to him.

In addition to the power of verbalization, over time, the abnormal abscess develops a mouth, eyes and a face, which is strikingly similar to his own, save for the moustache.

A stimulating and surreal British satire, How To Get Ahead in Advertising is a paradigm of the psychological mindset needed to survive in marketing.

Furthermore, having two heads means there’s always someone to make-out with.

He's a Re-branding Iron. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Stand-up Comet. He’s the…

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Week of August 19, 2011

The Earth is bi-polar. First up…

Paul

To keep illegal aliens from getting into our atmosphere, we need to construct a giant wall around the Earth.

Until then, our planet will continue to be visited by gregarious grey aliens, like the one in this comedy.

On a road trip through the American Southwest, the lives of two fanboys (Simon Pegg, Nick Frost) intersect with an alien escapee from Area 51, Paul (Seth Rogan).

Agreeing to give him a lift, the boys soon find their Fantasy fantasies coming to fruition as Paul’s interstellar insight inspires their struggling comic book.

However, Paul is not without his detractors, namely a special agent (Jason Bateman) and a religious zealot (John Carroll Lynch).   

Though imbued with an excess of E.T. references, the weight of this crude salute to sci-fi is counterbalanced by a witty script.

Besides, when it comes to anal probing, is an alien hitchhiker any different than a human hitchhiker?  0

Your Highness

It is a good thing that the Royal Family does not smoke weed. If they did, they’d likely be commissioning an inordinate amount of half-baked commemorative coins.

Unfortunately, the pampered prince in this comedy does partake in pot, and other pleasantries.

When the warrior prince Fabious (James Franco) returns home with the prized Princess Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel) in his arms, his shiftless brother Thadeous (Danny McBride) is jealous.

But when a sorcerer (Justin Theroux) snatches Fabious’ fiancée for one of his sinister schemes, Thadeous must prove his worth to his father by joining his brother’s rescue campaign.

En route, they encounter a number of perils, including a female warrior (Natalie Portman), whom Thadeous takes a shine to.

Touted as a stoner-comedy, Your Highness’ smoke clears pretty quickly, leaving only a vaguely funny, slightly disturbing, Fantasy fetish-film in its stead.

Besides, getting the munchies in medieval times does not sound appetizing.  0

Mars Needs Moms

Apparently, the Red Planet requires irresponsible female teenagers with low self-esteem and no positive male role models in their life.

Oops, my mistake. It appears as though the caregivers that the creatures in this cartoon crave aren’t the current crop of teen moms but a more classic materfamilias archetype.

In dire need of maternal affection to fill their nanny-bots with, the Martians abduct human females and extract their essence.

The next in line to undergo this process is the mother (Joan Cusack) of Milo (Seth Dusky), who has stowed away on the alien spaceship.

Once on Mars, Milo, an alien agitator (Elisabeth Harnois) and a human tech-wizard (Dan Fogler), undertake a mission to rescue her.

Based on the children’s book, this motion capture adaptation elongates the narrative to ridiculous lengths with creepy character designs and dark themes.

Besides, if Martians want to kidnap parents without raising concerns...abduct deadbeat dads.  0

Jumping the Broom

Every culture has its wedding traditions. Jewish couples break the glass; Hindu couples exchange garlands; and rich couples sign prenups.

The wedding tradition in this drama, however, is controversial.

After a humiliating one-nightstand, Sabrina (Paula Patton) vows to not have sex again until she is married.

Accepting that challenge is Jason (Laz Alonso), a cultured, caring guy, who proposes in less than 6-months.

Now, they must make their families see eye-to-eye on cultural issues, including the ceremonially slave custom of jumping over a broom to secretly signify marriage.

Meanwhile, Jason must confront his overbearing mother (Loretta Devine), while Sabrina sorts through the news that her parents (Angela Bassett, Brian Stokes Mitchel) aren’t who they say they are.

Laden with religious dialogue and debates over racial obligations, Jumping the Broom does have its agenda; however, its depiction of in-law fallouts is accurate.

Which is why the ideal wedding is that of two orphans.  0   

Something Borrowed

The worst thing about being single is that you don’t have anyone to complain to about being single.

To alleviate this matter, the single girl in this romantic-comedy decides to steal her friend’s fiancé.

On a drunken night out with her old friend Dex (Colin Egglesfield), who's engaged to her best friend (Kate Hudson), Rachel (Ginnifer Goodwin) lets slip that she has always had a crush on him.

With that, she finds herself in a whirlwind affair that must be kept undercover, so as not to disrupt the pending nuptials.

Opposing the tryst from the start is Rachel’s other friend (John Krasinski) who also has a secret crush.

While the leads do a fair job with the material they have, the material in question is malicious and misdirected, with intermittent humour.

However, having sex with your friend’s fiancé is a good way of saving her from contracting any honeymoon herpes.  0

Priest

Come to think of it, priests would make ideal vampire-hunters since they’d have no problem chasing down young, shirtless males who like to suck on things.

Unfortunately, the vampires that the priest in this action movie is stalking aren’t twinks. 

Years after the church eradicated all vampires, as well as decommissioned the church-sanctioned vampire-hunters known as Priests, a recent attack points to their return.

Now, a former priest (Paul Bettany) must align himself with a novice sheriff (Cam Gigandet) to retrieve a kidnapped girl.

However, along the way, he must face-off against a former friend (Karl Urban), now working for the bloodsuckers.

Based on a comic book, Priest is an interesting take on the genre: the vampires are grotesque, the action is slick and the story has sufficient twists.

As for the best way to obliterate vampires in one fell swoop: give’em free passes to a holy water-slide.  0

Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil

The worst thing about a secret agency comprised of fairy tale archetypes is that every mission you send them on has to have a moral to it.

And while there is a dearth of lessons to be had in this animated-comedy, there is a profusion of parable players.

When Granny (Glenn Close) is kidnapped, while on a mission to rescue two missing children, Hansel (Bill Hader) and Gretel (Amy Poehler), her granddaughter Red (Hayden Panettiere), a member of the Happily Forever After Agency, and her partner, The Big Bad Wolf (Patrick Warburton), are assigned to the case. 

Meanwhile, an all-powerful truffle recipe has been stolen from the Sisters of the Hood and has fallen into the wrong hands.

A sequel to Hoodwinked, Hood vs. Evil is more of the same folklore-inspired jokes, tinged with modern references, told through crude animation.

Besides, when a senior disappears, it’s usually attributed to dementia.  0

***Bad Reception***

The Wedding Singer

When it comes to booking a band for your wedding reception, it is actually more affordable to hire the one-hit wonders themselves.

And while the wedding singer in this comedy has never had a hit song himself, he does cover them exceptionally well.

After his rock star dreams fizzle, vocalist, Robbie (Adam Sandler), takes a gig as a wedding singer. Unfortunately, his groupie girlfriend doesn’t endorse his decision, so she calls off their wedding.

Devastated, Robbie’s stage presence plummets. To bolster his spirits, a wedding server, Julia (Drew Barrymore), asks him to help plan her wedding.

While he agrees, Robbie later sabotages it, when he falls in love with her.

A retro ode to the unsung hero of the wedding circuit, The Wedding Singer is a silly serenade of saccharine romance and pre-lobotomized Adam Sandler humour.

Alas, like the wedding DJ, wedding singers have been replaced by someone’s iPod shuffle.

He Doesn't Take Requests. He's the...

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