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He’s a Bad Newscaster. He’s the…

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Week of March 10, 2011

Anyone can read off a teleprompter. First up…

Morning Glory

If television morning shows want to reach a younger audience than they need to change their broadcasting hours to the late afternoon.

And while the morning show in this romantic-comedy continues to broadcast before sunrise, it did manage to hire a youthful producer.

After she’s laid off from being a local morning news producer, Becky (Rachel McAdams) lands an executive producer gig with a struggling national morning show.

As one of her first acts, she fires the co-host and hires gruff veteran newsman Mike Pomeroy (Harrison Ford) to co-anchor the show alongside Colleen (Diane Keaton).

However, Mike’s refusal to cover soft news puts the jocular show in jeopardy.

Telecasting a trove of titters as well as topical, yet terrifying, tête-à-têtes on the transition of information into infotainment, Morning Glory blossoms.

In fact, like current news stories, its merits should be discussed ad nauseam by a panel of semi-experts and Twitters.  0

The Next Three Days

The worst thing about being married to someone who is in prison is that when they get out they’ll be more educated and in better physical shape than you.

However, it’s unlikely that the motives of the desperate husband in this thriller have anything to do with his incarcerated spouse’s brains or brawn.

After his wife, Lara (Elizabeth Banks), is sentenced to prison for the murder of her boss, college professor and single father John (Russell Crowe) hatches a plan to break her out.

Obtaining pertinent escape intel from a successful jail-breaker (Liam Neeson), as well as from Youtube, John carries out the desperate act over an extended period of time.

With a flat romance and a plodding plot that culminates in an underwhelming ending, The Next Three Days is a tepid caper.

Besides, the easiest way to break in and out of women’s prison is on the tampon delivery truck.  0

Jackass 3D

The best thing about performing stunts with your buddies is that if you’re seriously injured, you can count on them to get your footage to YouTube immediately.

Unfortunately for the extreme exhibitionists injured in this comedy, their antics were shot in 3D, so their footage needs to be sent to a lab.

Besides a preamble provided by Beavis and Butt-head, Jackass 3D opens in the same over-the-top fashion as its predecessors.

From there the Jackass cast (Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Steve-O, Chris Pontius, Preston Lacy and Wee Man) adhere to their usual agenda of self-abusive stunts, including a game of beehive tetherball and porta-potty bungee.

Based on the groundbreaking MTV series, Jackass 3D pulls out all of the stops; unfortunately, the penis pranks and sleazy sketches detract from the boys more ingenious gambles.

As for other three dimensional jackasses, you can usually find them walking around or driving cars everywhere.  0

***Past Its Prime Time***

Network

Since the majority of the television viewers are brain-dead lummoxes, having low ratings is actually a compliment.

Unfortunately, not attaching the drooling masses to your network can lead to layoffs, or worse.

Getting wind he’ll be canned from the evening news due to disappointing numbers, veteran newsman Howard Beale (Peter Finch) snaps, announcing his on-air suicide in one week’s time.

Causing a spike in the ratings, network executives permit his tirades, even going so far as giving Beale his own show.

Meanwhile, his boss (William Holden) tangles romantically and theologically with a young producer (Faye Dunaway) who’s keen on amalgamating news and entertainment.

A satirical stab at the heart of television and the subversive spell it casts over millions, Network is as much a dark-comedy as it is a relevant rally cry.

Fortunately, its prophecy of pap news broadcasting never came true, or at least that’s what Billy Bush reported.

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Smarch 3, 2011

How do identity theft victims describe their assailant? First up…

127 Hours

Losing an appendage can be cause for celebration, so long as it happens at work and you have coverage.

Unfortunately, the incident involving the young man in this drama occurred on the weekend, sans the protection of workers comp.

After parting ways with a pair of hikers (Kate Mara, Amber Tamblyn) that he met while out on the trail of a Utah National Park, amateur adventurer Aron Ralston (James Franco) falls down a crevasse, where his right hand is pinned beneath a boulder.

Unable to free himself, his water depleted, and his mind reeling with famine-induced visions of past relationships with his parents and ex-girlfriend, Aron is finally forced to make a grievous decision if he hopes to survive.

Based on Ralston’s autobiography, 127 Hours is a gripping, grotesque exposition of human endurance, masterfully executed by director Danny Boyle.

Besides, what mountaineer wouldn’t want an ice axe for a hand?  0

Faster

The best thing about being a wheelman is that you get to pick which radio station you and your gang will be riddled with bullets to.

And while this action-thriller doesn’t divulge where the radio dial is positioned, it does include a healthy dose of lead.

Immediately after his release from prison, Driver (Dwayne Johnson) walks into an office building and shoots an employee in the head.

This blatant attack piques the interest of a reckless cop (Billy Bob Thornton) and his new partner (Carla Gugino).

But as Driver’s random victims continue to pile up, the investigating officers learn that his victims aren’t so random or innocent.

By adding the element of surprise to the typical straightforward tale of revenge, Faster reinvigorates the ultra violent genre without catering to the squeamish.

However, with the high cost of gas, instead of using a car, criminals should flee on a Tandem bicycle.  0

Love and Other Drugs

If love is actually a drug, and if parents don’t want their son or daughter to be an addict, then they must stop loving their children immediately.

And while the couple in this dramedy don’t have any children, if they did, love wouldn’t be the only drug on their pee test.

While on the fast track with pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, gifted salesman Jamie (Jake Gyllenhaal) meets his match in Maggie (Anne Hathaway), the patient of a doctor (Hank Azaria) he is trying woo.

Although they agree to keep things carnal, both go back on their word and fall in love.

But when it becomes apparent that Maggie’s Parkinson’s could hinder his career, Jamie must reassess.

A bi-polar mix of a depressing love story and raunchy sex comedy, Love and Other Drugs is in need of mood stabilizer.

And while dating a pill-dealer sounds beneficial, just remember, they rattle when they walk.  0

Burlesque 

The difference between strippers and burlesque performers is that the latter have long tufts of thread growing out of their nipples.

What’s more, as this musical points out, burlesque performers also dance and sing – some better than others.

Arriving in L.A. with dreams of making it as a singer, Ali (Christina Aguilera) is drawn towards the mystique of a local burlesque club.

Determined to join the risqué revue, Ali begins to work at the club, despite the owner Tess' (Cher) objection.

But when it becomes apparent Ali can sing better than the current lip-synching head dancer (Kristen Bell), Tess gives her the lead in hopes of raising enough capital to save the club from being torn down.

While the story and acting is almost there, the musical performances by Cher and Aguilera keep Burlesque from becoming campy.

Unfortunately, like burlesque itself, this movie will only interest gay men and overweight women.  0

***Base Campy***

Showgirls

The act of stripping only became acceptable once overweight women learnt they could lose weight doing it.

And while the stripper-cum-showgirl in this drama needs more than the suffix -aerobics added to her occupation to gain self-respect, she finds it in Las Vegas.

Arriving in town with nothing but a dream of being a dancer, Nomi (Elizabeth Berkley) gets lucky when she’s introduced to Cristal (Gina Gershon), the haughty head showgirl at the Stardust.

Enthralled by Nomi, Cristal and her entertainment director boyfriend (Kyle MacLachlan) arrange an audition for her. But not before seducing her.

Once in the show, Nomi and Cristal’s friendship begins to deteriorate as the two compete for the spotlight.

A campy combination of comical lines and sensual situations, Showgirls is one of the best worst movies ever.

And while bare-chested stage shows are a highlight of the strip, they’re not as arousing as the topless buffets.

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Week of February 24, 2011

Black makes villainy seem appealing. First up…

Megamind

There are three things one needs in order to be a true super-villain: arrogance, aggression and baldness.

Fortunately, the malefactor in this animated movie suffers from all of the above.

Soon after thwarting Metro City’s muscle-bound protector, Metro Man (Brad Pitt), for the first and last time, evil genius Megamind (Will Ferrell) becomes bored with no adversary around to antagonize.

Therefore, with the help of his minion, Minion (David Cross), he transforms the mild-mannered news cameraman, Hal (Jonah Hill), into a super-hero.

But when hotshot reporter Roxanne (Tina Fey) enters the picture, Megamind is too distracted to pay attention to his now corrupt, caped creation that’s running amok.

Although it does contain a few choice chortles, the bulk of Megamind is simply a retread of other-–better–animated super movies.

Furthermore, why would a super-villain waste time constructing a super-hero, when they could be plundering pocket universes for dark matter?  0

Due Date

The difference between traveling via airplane as opposed to traveling in a stranger’s car is that, when traveling with a stranger, the intrusive pat down is optional.

Needles to say, the commuter in this comedy declined on both counts.

While trying to make it home for the birth of his child, unruly passenger Peter (Robert Downey Jr.) is placed on the no fly list.

In need of alternate transportation, he accepts a ride from struggling actor/pothead/nut Ethan (Zach Galifianakis).

Forcing Peter to endure hours of bothersome personal questions and strange driving habits, Ethan eventually wears Peter’s resolve down and he begins to benefit.

Peppered with cameos and off-coloured humour, Due Date appears to be an innocuous comedy, but, in truth, is a mean-spirited mess that contains no relatable characters.

Besides, if someone really wants to go on a road trip with a crazy stranger, they should ride the Grey Hound.  0

***Delayed Off***

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

The best part of traveling with a complete stranger, as opposed to a family member, is that you can share the same hotel bed without it being weird.

And that is exactly what the two travelers who just met do in this comedy.

After a blizzard grounds all flights in NYC, a traveling businessman, Neal (Steve Martin), trying to make it home to his family in Chicago for Thanksgiving, is forced to endure days of road travel with the accident-prone Del (John Candy).

Although the two employ every means of transportation possible, misfortune continues to follow them, leading Neal to believe that their hardships are due to Del’s incompetence.

Written and directed by John Hughes, Planes, Trains and Automobiles combines the comedic genius of its leads with the chaotic nature of travel, with riotous results.

Unfortunately, when traveling with another male, people will automatically assume that he is your…chauffeur.

He’s a Personal Commuter. He's the...

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He’s a Runaway Trainer. He’s the…

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Week of February 17, 2011

Derailments bring settlements. First up…

Unstoppable

If you drive your sweetheart around in a car that stalls, it’s imperative that you avoid railway crossings when there’s a runaway train about – unless, of course, you want to end up like a tragic 1950s teen love song.

Fortunately, young love goes unscratched in this thriller. Unfortunately, a number of Pennsylvania towns are not as fortunate.

When a runaway train carrying hazardous material escapes the rail yard, it’s up to an experienced engineer (Denzel Washington) and an inexperienced conductor (Chris Pine) to put aside their differences and slow it down.

Assisting them is a headstrong yardmaster (Rosario Dawson) who hopes to derail the locomotive in a sparsely populated area.

Though overflowing with taut action sequences, this retelling of an actual event lacks the character development and steady camera work needed to make a real impact.

Besides, wouldn’t it be easier to just get one of the train’s hobos to stop it?  0 

Waiting for “Superman” 

To avoid waiting for Superman, simply destroy train tracks spanning a ravine minutes before a trainload of school kids are scheduled to cross it.

And while the school children in this documentary are not on a doomed locomotive, they are headed for disaster.

By following five fledgling students (Daisy, Bianca, Emily, Francisco and Anthony) as they attempt to win admittance into an innovative school headed by a new breed of educator, Geoffrey Canada, filmmaker Davis Guggenheim puts the dysfunctional American school system under the microscope, exposing its pitfalls, prejudices and apathetic faculty that does little to inspire, let alone, educate.

While it takes direct aim at the teacher’s union, this sad, shocking snapshot of inner-city schools is not against instructors, but the ineptitude of an antiquated system.

In fact, if it isn’t fixed soon, the only career open to these lazy, uneducated students will be that of public school teacher.  0

***Ah Choo-Choo*** 

Runaway Train

The problem with escaping via train is that the tracks make it very easy for people to follow you.

Advice the fleeing convicts in this thriller should have heeded, before they hopped aboard this rogue iron horse.

Poised to break out of an Alaskan prison, an ex-bank-robber, Manny (Jon Voight), garners a handicap when the dim-witted laundry worker helping him escape, Buck (Eric Roberts), wants to come along.

Stowing away on a southbound train, the two cons later learn that the engineer has died and that their train is headed towards a chemical plant.

What's more, there’s a female stowaway aboard (Rebecca De Mornay) and a hardened warden on their track.

Written by Akira Kurosawa, Runaway Train is the zenith of runaway train movies: the characters are rich and the action is gripping.

Furthermore, it proves that there are other things to do on a train besides solve murder mysteries.

He’s Keepin' it Rail.  He’s the…

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Week of February 10, 2011

Does rabbit taste cute? First up…

Life As We Know It 

Nowadays, it’s commonplace for two people who don’t love each other to raise their child in a hostile environment.

Surprisingly, while the at odds couple in this rom-com are doing just that, they’re doing so with someone else’s kid.

When they first meet on a blind date set-up by their mutual friends Peter and Alison (Christina Hendricks), uptight Holly (Katherine Heigl) and free-spirited Messer (Josh Duhamel) vow to never see each other again.

But their common connection makes that impossible. And when their friends are killed in a car accident, the pair must put aside their differences and assume custody of the couple’s 1-year-old daughter and palatial home.

With Katherine Heigl portraying another lovesick female browbeating a deadbeat male into submission, Life As We Know It is redundant. Furthermore, its formulaic nature is an affront.   

Besides, as a legal guardian, all you get to do is sign school permission slips.  0

You Again

Thanks to technology adults can now friend their old high school tormenter online and then proceed to cyber-bully them, their family, and friends to death.

Unfortunately, instead of confronting her former rival from the safety of her laptop, the belittled victim in this comedy does so in-person.

Former high school loser Marni’s (Kristen Bell) excitement over her brother’s engagement quickly turns to contempt when she learns he is marrying her ex-bully Jay-Jay (Odette Yustman).

Enraged even more by Jay-Jay’s newfound disposition and inability to recollect her bullying ways, Marni makes it her mission to expose Jay-Jay as the bully she was.

Meanwhile, the girls’ moms (Jamie Lee Curtis, Sigourney Weaver) revive their own high school rivalry.

Marred by ham-fisted performances and a superficial script, You Again is an unequivocal mess.

Besides, the best form of revenge against your current or former bully is to blame them in your suicide note.  0

Paranormal Activity 2

The worst thing about being haunted by a suicide victim is that when they’re not stealing your razors, they’re leaving your car running with the garage door closed.

Fortunately for the family in this horror movie, the lingering apparition in their home is not melancholy, but malicious.

When their home is broken into, Dan (Brian Boland) and his new wife Kristi (Sprague Grayden) have cameras installed.

Later, it’s revealed that a spiteful spirit hell-bent on possessing the soul of the couple’s newborn son is the real perpetrator.

Set months before the events of the first movie took place, PA2 fills in all the blanks, including the demon’s true intent.

While its scares are reminiscent of its predecessor, the vindictive spirit storyline that this installment forges is more frightening than the first.

But remember, ghosts are just invisible bullies that will back down if you say ‘Uncle’ in a firm tone.  0   

My Soul To Take 

The best thing about having multiple personalities is that you can take real advantage of Groupon offers.

Unfortunately, the identity disorder sufferer in this horror movie is not scoring reasonably priced hot air balloon rides, but instead, killing teenagers.

 In 1994, Abel (Raul Esparza) is made aware of the fact that one of his personalities is the homicidal Riverton Ripper.

Although he tries to resist the pushy persona, Abel is ultimately shot by police. While his physical form dies, Abel’s personalities live on in the souls of seven Riverton area children, including his own son Bug (Max Thieriot).

Sixteen years later, the soulless Abel returns to reclaim his property from the septet.

Though it has hints of ingenuity, its low-rent actors and weak-ass kills makes this Wes Craven concocted cutup a complete bore.

Besides, the real threat against the souls of teenagers is women over the age of 40.  0

Monsters

The best thing about going to war with a different species is that you can eat the dead without getting weird looks.

Unfortunately, the strangers traveling through monster-infected Mexico in this sci-fi movie don’t want to masticate their enemy.

With cephalopod creatures spreading throughout the jungles and US troops combating them along the way, Mexico becomes a war zone.

Concerned over the wellbeing of his recently engaged daughter, Samantha (Whitney Able), a wealthy industrialist hires a photographer, Andrew (Scoot McNairy), to escort her back to America.

But when their passports are stolen, the couple must travel by foot if they hope to make it to the boarder.

Utilizing the sci-fi setting to critique US immigration laws, Monsters is definitely a political statement.

However, the romance enveloping the avowal is a declaration of love.

Besides, who knows? Maybe these multi-limbed illegal aliens could someday make great nannies for affluent American children.  0

***Carousel Your Soul***

Carnival of Souls

Although a carnival of souls sounds enticing, it’s probably safe to assume that most of the souls there are sticky from cotton candy and queasy from the tilt-a-whirl.

Fortunately, the soul-centric carnival Mary Henry (Candace Hilligoss) is attending in this horror movie is vomit-free.

After she's forced off of a bridge during a drag race, Mary awakens to find herself detached from her surroundings.

Later, while en route to a new life in Salt Lake City, she is drawn towards an abandoned amusement park. All the while, she is haunted by the specter of a pale-faced male.

Once settled as the local church’s new organist, Mary continues her visits to the ominous carnival grounds.

Although it’s touted as a B-movie, the 1962 original-–as opposed to Wes Craven’s 1998 remake–is a landmark in spooky cinema.

The irony, however, is that to work for a carnival, one must be soulless.

He’s a Succubus Driver. He’s the... 

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Week of February 3, 2011

Eternal youth = eternal carding. First up…

Let Me In

When a 12-year-old girl wakes to find herself covered in blood, it usually means that she is entering womanhood.

Shockingly, the plasma plastering the young woman’s nightgown in this horror movie is not even her own.

When 12-year-old Owen (Kodi Smit-McPhee)–the product of an ugly divorce and the constant target for school bully Kenny (Dylan Minnette)–spots his new neighbour Abby (Chloë Moretz) and her “father” (Richard Jenkins) moving in, he is fascinated by her lack of winter clothing.

Later, Owen asks Abby that, and other questions, when they are acquainted outside of their apartments. As it turns out, bare feet are only the tip of her bloodthirsty iceberg.

An admirable Americanization of the Swedish vampire film, Let The Right One In, Let Me In is a morose mixture of European romance and Western elucidation and obligatory gore.

Moreover, police should use these little vampire girls to catch predators.  0

Conviction

If an older brother were ever convicted of murder, the only education that most siblings would ever undertake would be that of becoming a prison guard, just so they could torment him daily with the fire hose.

The resolute sister in this drama, however, decided to train as a lawyer, so that her bad seed brother could get a fair trial.

When Kenny Waters (Sam Rockwell) is convicted of murder and sentenced to life, his sister/single mother Betty Anne Waters (Hilary Swank) puts her needs aside to prove his innocence.

But before she can become a lawyer, she must first earn her GED.

Meanwhile, famed lawyer Barry Scheck (Peter Gallagher) and his nonprofit organization work on Kenny’s exoneration.

Based on the true story, Conviction is a mishmash of fine performances and a nonlinear narrative that lacks pacing.

Besides, wouldn’t it be a lot easier to just become a corrupt judge?  0

***The Vampire Girl Next Door***

Let The Right One In

Living next-door to a Swedish Vampire would be awesome, since their Nordic heritage and OCD would make assembling your IKEA furniture so much easier.

Unfortunately, the bloodsucking Swede moving next-door in this horror movie doesn’t come with an Allen key.  

When 12-year-old Oskar (Kåre Hedebrant) meets his neighbour Eli (Lina Leandersson) for the first time on the play-structure outside their apartment, he’s immediately struck by her strange behaviour.

An outcast himself, he forges a friendship with the sullen girl, who later teaches him how to defend himself against school bullies.

As their nocturnal rendezvous’ continue, so too do signs of Eli’s vampiric nature, which Oskar takes with a grain of salt.

Based on the Swedish novel of the same name, Let The Right One In is a moody masterpiece, graced with subtly and outstanding performances.

And while their relationship seems creepy, admit it, you’d watch MTV’s Swedish Teenage Vampire Mom.

He's Vampyrite. He’s the…

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