Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Lukewarm and Fuzzy. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 15, 2018

White male privilege doesn't extend to short/bald men. First up….

A Wrinkle in Time

Typically the children of scientists tend to be hideous patchworks of random limbs and organs.

Thankfully, the offspring in this family-fantasy appear to be fairly normal looking.

Obsessed with finding her missing scientist father Alex (Chris Pine) after he disappeared looking for the seeds to humanity out in the cosmos, Meg (Storm Reid) is obviously thrived to learn from three astral beings (Oprah Winfrey, Reese Witherspoon, Mindy Kaling) that he’s still alive.

However, Alex is being prisoner on another planet that is ruled by a malignant organism that intends to use Alex’s transportation device to take over the universe.  

A vast departure from the beloved children’s novel from the 1960s, this effects laden, star-studded adaptation sheds significant character and story elements from the novel to accommodate the aggressive visuals, timely social commentary and its overreaching narrative that strives towards its doubtful sequels.

Incidentally, imprisonment on another planet is an envious excuse for missed child support payments.  Red Light

Gringo

The worst thing about medical marijuana is it shortens the lifespan of cancer patients.

Nevertheless, the company in this comedy has brought a new cannabis product to market.

Harold (David Oyelowo) works for a medical marijuana company that has just revolutionized the industry with an easy to swallow weed tablet. Now he must travel with his superiors (Charlize Theron, Joel Edgerton) down to Mexico to oversee the manufacturing of the pill.

But when the local cartel gets wind of the newfangled invention, they claim ownership of it and kidnap Harold to prove their point. An inept ex-soldier is sent in to liberate him. 

Crammed with a myriad of madcap situations that just aren’t that funny or original, this crappy caper cannot keep up with its talented cast who struggle to portray the unpleasant stereotypes in this dreck straight-faced.

Besides, Mexico is more than just narcotics; their prostitutes are also world-class.  Red Light

Tomb Raider

The upside to being an archaeologist is the joblessness allows you time to go out adventuring.

Wisely, the explorer in this action-adventure chose a vocation in bike messaging.

Seven years after her archeologist father (Dominic West) disappeared looking for the crypt of a Chinese shaman, perpetual problem child Lara Croft (Alicia Vikander) finally leaves her meager existence behind and accepts her father’s vast estate.

Funded by her newfound fortunes, Lara heads to China to find what her father could not. However, a rival PhD (Walton Goggins) working for a clandestine organization also seeks the catacomb so he can weaponize its mystical powers.

Too serious, too computerized and too maladroit, this millennial reboot of the once popular video game/film franchise from the 2000s is a realistic origin story that fails to supersede its campy predecessor in almost every aspect.

Likewise, all fatherless children say their dad vanished while looking for lost treasure.  Red Light

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Love, Simon

The good thing about coming-out in high school is everyone all ready calls you gay.

Unfortunately for the teenage in this dramedy, everyone thinks he’s super-straight.

Ladies man Simon (Nick Robinson) is actually a closeted senior who is caught having an online same-sex relationship with another student and is extorted by a geek looking to date Simon’s friend (Alexandra Shipp).

As he goes about introducing his gauche blackmailer to his friends’ circle, Simon also struggles to find a way to tell his parents (Jennifer Garner, Josh Duhamel) of his sexual orientation, and to discover his online pen pal’s true identity.

While its heart’s in the right place with convincing performances and great insight into the challenges of gay youth, this coming-of-age coming-out comedy based on the YA novel comes off as corny and naïvely optimistic.

Moreover, if we ban homosexuality in school there would be no more English literature classes.  Yellow Light

The Strangers: Prey at Night

Nowadays, the only time someone comes to your front door is to steal your Amazon packages.

However, the trio in this horror movie actually knock-on front doors in order to discover their next victims.

Cindy (Christina Hendricks) and her husband (Martin Henderson) take one last road trip to their uncle’s trailer home as a send off for their unruly daughter (Bailee Madison) who is being shipped off to boarding school directly after the trip.

As the family settles in they receive a knock at the door from three masked visitors who proceed to hunt them through the trailer park for kicks.

While this sequel to the 2008 original is far superior to its predecessor in terms of bloodshed, atmosphere and score, this follow-up fails to expand on the trio’s origins and to avoid slasher movie clichés.   

Lastly, if you don’t want to open your RV door to strangers just drive away.  Red Light

***Half-Time Travel***

A Kid in King Arthur's Court

Children make the best time travelers because no one believes the crazy things they say.

However, the fish-out-of-water in this family movie is wearing a modern baseball uniform.

Little leaguer Calvin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) is thrust back to medieval times when an earthquake causes a chasm to open up on the baseball diamond and swallow him up. While in the dark ages, the regularly overlooked Calvin becomes the star of King Arthur’s court. But if Calvin hopes to return to his time he must keep Lord Belasco from usurping Arthur.

Besides pre-celebrity cameos from Kate Winslet and Daniel Craig, Disney’s 1995 re-imagining of Mark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court doesn’t have much else to offer viewers. Moreover, the customary frivolity of time travel feels perfunctory, even for a goofy kids’ movie.  

Incidentally, things get real when the shortstop shows the Knights of the Round Table how to dope.

He has Seventh-Inning Stretch Marks. He’s the…

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