Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's Been Living a White Lie. He's the...

Vidiot

Week of June 29, 2018

I'm not sorry all of the time. First up...

Acrimony

The key to a successful marriage is making sure your spouse never finds out you’re cheating on them.

Sadly, the trifling husband in this thriller failed to follow the aforementioned rule.

After a whirlwind romance Melinda (Taraji P. Henson) and Robert (Lyriq Bent) tie the knot in spite of her sisters’ misgivings towards the groom. Those doubts are later confirmed when Melinda catches Robert cheating on her and divorces him.  But when Robert remarries Melinda has a breakdown, sending her in to destructive tailspin.

Writer and director Tyler Perry’s latest offering on the complexities of marriage is his most absurd venture yet. Reducing its talented lead to a fanatical stereotype is insulting to women, while the unfaithful husband is the same stock character that appears in all of Perry’s productions.

Besides, the best revenge a woman can get after a divorce is moving on with her life with her brother-in-law.  Red Light

Unsane

The upside to being committed to a mental institute is finally finding people who agree with your point of view.

Nevertheless, the patient in this thriller maintains she is not crazy.

Stressed over a stalker, Sawyer (Claire Foy) meets with a counselor for advice. But when she admits to suicidal thoughts, the counselor decides to hold Sawyer at the facility for 24 hours.

Under observation Sawyer meets fellow patient Nate (Jay Pharoah) who helps her contact her mother (Amy Irving). But Sawyer’s mental state deteriorates when she learns her stalker works at the hospital.

The first feature-length film to be shot on an iPhone, filmmaker Steven Soderbergh explores themes of anxiety and corrupt insurancers through the lens of the handheld device. Unfortunately, this is the only innovative aspect of this lackluster mystery.

And while no one likes being called crazy, it sure helps when you’re accused of first degree murder.  Red Light

***Electro-Shop Therapy***

The Snake Pit

Mental institutes are just like federal prisons except inmates are shanked by imaginary friends.

Mind you the patient in this drama is also being tormented by a cruel nurse.

After she begins to hear voices and forget husband (Mark Stevens), Virginia (Olivia de Havilland) is committed to an all-female mental institute, where a sympathetic doctor (Leo Genn) hopes retracing her life will help unravel the truth behind her apprehensive towards marriage and family.

However, a nurse (Helen Craig) envious of their relationship has Susan sent to the dreaded snake pit, a place where incurable and problem patients are sent to rot.

While offering up marriage and motherhood as a cure for schizophrenia is sexist and misinformed, this semi-autobiographical picture’s depiction of post-WWII mental institutions and their brutal treatments, like shock treatment, is frightfully realistic and haunting.

Thankfully, medical science later determined that the cure to female hysteria was a vibrator. 

He's a Fundamental Patient. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a Cesspool Boy. He's the...

Vidiot

Week of June 22, 2018

The swimming pool is not your bidet. First up...

Pacific Rim Uprising

The reason giant robots aren’t currently in use is because scientists have yet to figure out how to have sex with them without being crushed.

Conversely, the mechas in this sci-fi movie are used for humanities other fixation: war.

Years after his father impeded the first Kaiju attack, Jake (John Boyega) reluctantly agrees to train a new generation of Jaeger pilots alongside his old partner (Scott Eastwood) when a new breed of hybrid monster shows up. Meanwhile, scientists (Charlie Day, Burn Gorman) struggle to understand their enemy’s newfound abilities that seem to thwart the Jaegars at every turn.

Trading in most of the original cast and visionary writer/director for younger more diverse actors and an upstart director, this studio sequel mishandles creator Guillermo del Toro’s vision by minimizing the larger human themes for more mindless metal melees.

Moreover, monsters aren’t the main adversaries of giant robots, cross-border steel tariffs are.  Yellow Light

 

I Can Only Imagine

The difference between rock and Christian rock is when the latter’s albums are played backwards the subliminal message asks for monetary donations.

However, the only hidden meaning the evangelical singer in this drama preaches is love thy father.

Born into a broke home headed by his abusive father (Dennis Quaid), Bart (J. Michael Finley) found solace in a Christian summer camp when he was younger. In school he finds comfort in music class where his singing voice sets him apart.  Bart’s ballads eventually garner interest from Amy Grant (Nicole DuPort). But before he can pursue his dreams Bart must make amends with his dying father.

Featuring better production values than most faith based films this adaptation of Bart Millard’s real life hit song does feature a universal message of forgiveness. However, the acting and the dialogue are still extremely hokey.

Incidentally, Christian rock band tour buses can drive on water.  Yellow Light 

***AM Radioactive***

The Cyclops

The upside to being 50-feet tall is you can make money just by standing outside car dealerships waving.

However, the mutated features of the colossus in this horror movie might scare off customers.

When Susan’s (Gloria Talbott) test pilot boyfriend Bruce (Duncan Parkin) crashes over a mysterious area of Mexico, she hires a pilot (Tom Drake) to take her, a scientist (James Craig) she just met and a shady mining consultant (Lon Chaney Jr.) to the cursed region where gargantuan creatures are rumoured to dwell.

Unfortunately Susan’s rescue party is more interested in harvesting the radium that turned Bruce into a mindless Cyclops than in helping her subdue him.

Just one of many radioactive giant B-movies released in the 1950s, what sets this black-and-white jungle adventure apart is the Cyclops’ unforgettable design and Lon Chaney’s drunken performance.

Incidentally, a thoughtful gift for a giant is a hot air balloon poncho.

He's a Cycloptometrist. He's the....

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Lukewarm and Fuzzy. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 15, 2018

White male privilege doesn't extend to short/bald men. First up….

A Wrinkle in Time

Typically the children of scientists tend to be hideous patchworks of random limbs and organs.

Thankfully, the offspring in this family-fantasy appear to be fairly normal looking.

Obsessed with finding her missing scientist father Alex (Chris Pine) after he disappeared looking for the seeds to humanity out in the cosmos, Meg (Storm Reid) is obviously thrived to learn from three astral beings (Oprah Winfrey, Reese Witherspoon, Mindy Kaling) that he’s still alive.

However, Alex is being prisoner on another planet that is ruled by a malignant organism that intends to use Alex’s transportation device to take over the universe.  

A vast departure from the beloved children’s novel from the 1960s, this effects laden, star-studded adaptation sheds significant character and story elements from the novel to accommodate the aggressive visuals, timely social commentary and its overreaching narrative that strives towards its doubtful sequels.

Incidentally, imprisonment on another planet is an envious excuse for missed child support payments.  Red Light

Gringo

The worst thing about medical marijuana is it shortens the lifespan of cancer patients.

Nevertheless, the company in this comedy has brought a new cannabis product to market.

Harold (David Oyelowo) works for a medical marijuana company that has just revolutionized the industry with an easy to swallow weed tablet. Now he must travel with his superiors (Charlize Theron, Joel Edgerton) down to Mexico to oversee the manufacturing of the pill.

But when the local cartel gets wind of the newfangled invention, they claim ownership of it and kidnap Harold to prove their point. An inept ex-soldier is sent in to liberate him. 

Crammed with a myriad of madcap situations that just aren’t that funny or original, this crappy caper cannot keep up with its talented cast who struggle to portray the unpleasant stereotypes in this dreck straight-faced.

Besides, Mexico is more than just narcotics; their prostitutes are also world-class.  Red Light

Tomb Raider

The upside to being an archaeologist is the joblessness allows you time to go out adventuring.

Wisely, the explorer in this action-adventure chose a vocation in bike messaging.

Seven years after her archeologist father (Dominic West) disappeared looking for the crypt of a Chinese shaman, perpetual problem child Lara Croft (Alicia Vikander) finally leaves her meager existence behind and accepts her father’s vast estate.

Funded by her newfound fortunes, Lara heads to China to find what her father could not. However, a rival PhD (Walton Goggins) working for a clandestine organization also seeks the catacomb so he can weaponize its mystical powers.

Too serious, too computerized and too maladroit, this millennial reboot of the once popular video game/film franchise from the 2000s is a realistic origin story that fails to supersede its campy predecessor in almost every aspect.

Likewise, all fatherless children say their dad vanished while looking for lost treasure.  Red Light

​

Love, Simon

The good thing about coming-out in high school is everyone all ready calls you gay.

Unfortunately for the teenage in this dramedy, everyone thinks he’s super-straight.

Ladies man Simon (Nick Robinson) is actually a closeted senior who is caught having an online same-sex relationship with another student and is extorted by a geek looking to date Simon’s friend (Alexandra Shipp).

As he goes about introducing his gauche blackmailer to his friends’ circle, Simon also struggles to find a way to tell his parents (Jennifer Garner, Josh Duhamel) of his sexual orientation, and to discover his online pen pal’s true identity.

While its heart’s in the right place with convincing performances and great insight into the challenges of gay youth, this coming-of-age coming-out comedy based on the YA novel comes off as corny and naïvely optimistic.

Moreover, if we ban homosexuality in school there would be no more English literature classes.  Yellow Light

The Strangers: Prey at Night

Nowadays, the only time someone comes to your front door is to steal your Amazon packages.

However, the trio in this horror movie actually knock-on front doors in order to discover their next victims.

Cindy (Christina Hendricks) and her husband (Martin Henderson) take one last road trip to their uncle’s trailer home as a send off for their unruly daughter (Bailee Madison) who is being shipped off to boarding school directly after the trip.

As the family settles in they receive a knock at the door from three masked visitors who proceed to hunt them through the trailer park for kicks.

While this sequel to the 2008 original is far superior to its predecessor in terms of bloodshed, atmosphere and score, this follow-up fails to expand on the trio’s origins and to avoid slasher movie clichés.   

Lastly, if you don’t want to open your RV door to strangers just drive away.  Red Light

***Half-Time Travel***

A Kid in King Arthur's Court

Children make the best time travelers because no one believes the crazy things they say.

However, the fish-out-of-water in this family movie is wearing a modern baseball uniform.

Little leaguer Calvin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) is thrust back to medieval times when an earthquake causes a chasm to open up on the baseball diamond and swallow him up. While in the dark ages, the regularly overlooked Calvin becomes the star of King Arthur’s court. But if Calvin hopes to return to his time he must keep Lord Belasco from usurping Arthur.

Besides pre-celebrity cameos from Kate Winslet and Daniel Craig, Disney’s 1995 re-imagining of Mark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court doesn’t have much else to offer viewers. Moreover, the customary frivolity of time travel feels perfunctory, even for a goofy kids’ movie.  

Incidentally, things get real when the shortstop shows the Knights of the Round Table how to dope.

He has Seventh-Inning Stretch Marks. He’s the…

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