Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Waste Landscaper. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 27, 2018

The future is the past just everyone is older. First up…

Maze Runner: The Death Cure

Adults always chase after teenagers in dystopian futures because they need to know which social media to use.

However, the grownups in this sci-fi flick have bigger concerns than cyber stalking.

As the Flare virus continues to convert the remaining human population into zombies, scientists continue abducting uninfected youths to find a cure. Fearful that their friend is going to be dissected, maze survivors Thomas (Dylan O'Brien) and Newt (Thomas Brodie-Sangster) disobey the resistance leader (Barry Pepper) and head to the Last City.

But they cannot penetrate the citadel without help from some unlikely allies (Walton Goggins, Kaya Scodelario).

While the initial installment of this post-apocalyptic franchise was intriguing, this third chapter in the adaptation of the YA book series is the complete opposite. Predictable and inert, this last kick at the dystopian can feels contrive.

Incidentally, one side effect of injecting yourself with teenage blood is much more angst.  Red Light

12 Strong: The Declassified True Story of the Horse Soldiers

Now I am all for diversity in the military but horses have no place on a submarine.

Smartly, the US army is utilizing the equine in this action movie, and not the navy.

In the wake of 9/11, Mitch Nelson (Chris Hemsworth) foregoes his army desk job and requests to lead a covert squad in to Afghanistan.

But first Mitch and his elite force (Michael Shannon, Michael Peña) will have to secure mounts to tackle the rough terrain and assistance from the leader of the Alliance (Navid Negahban) if they hope to overtake a Taliban stronghold.

With its pretty-boy lead spewing patriotic idioms before every choreographed exchange, this lengthy retelling of the classified mission that started it all feels fictionalized and disingenuous. While the greater conflict is present, the war is never really addressed.

And while the horses on the ground were successful, the ones in the fighter jets weren’t.  Yellow Light

Den of Thieves

The key to a successful heist is double-crossing your partners before they do you.

Unfortunately, the hoods in this action-thriller aren’t aware of this detail.

A boozy sheriff (Gerard Butler) remains one-step behind a heavily armed and highly efficient posse of armored truck robbers (Pablo Schreiber, 50 Cent).

While the sheriff finalizes his divorce, the crew partners with a shifty bartender (O'Shea Jackson Jr.) who has an elaborate plan to steal from the Federal Reserve. As the scheme progresses it becomes clear that not everyone is on the up and up.

A simplistic caper with a passable twist, this crime saga is unduly long and not that original when compared to others of its ilk. But it is the blundering performances of Butler and Cent that really drags this picture down to the dregs of the genre.

Incidentally, heists are one of the few events that men can actually organize.  Yellow Light

***Groan Ups*** 

Night of the Comet

Zombies who regularly eat teenage brains are moodier than zombies who don’t.

However, it’ll be hard to get ahold of the adolescent minds in this sci-fi thriller.

When earth passes through the tail of a comet, all spectators are turned into a flesh-eating zombie. Promiscuous teen Reggie and her cheerleader sister Sam (Catherine Mary Stewart, Kelli Maroney) awake the next day unchanged. Armed with an Uzi they blast their way through the undead to reach a group of scientists who want to dissect the sisters to find a cure.

Considered to be the inspiration behind Buffy the Vampire Slayer, as well as a main contributor to the fledgling horror-comedy sub-genre, this 1984 cult classic was ahead of its time not only in terms of its jocular tone, but also in casting two strong female leads as the survivors.

Unfortunately, sexist zombies are going to have a tough choice this election.

He’s Undead Tired. He’s the…

Vidiot

  

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Hypothetical Question Mark. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 20, 2018

If the news is fake than what about sports and the weather? First up…

The Post

Online newspapers are great and all but having a tablet delivered every morning is expensive.

Thankfully, this drama is set when we only had to cut down a tree to get Dear Abby.

In the wake of her husband’s death, Katharine Graham (Meryl Streep) becomes sole owner of the Washington Post. She promptly takes the small-time paper public.

But if she hopes to compete against the NY Times, Graham’s editor-in-chief Ben Bradlee (Tom Hanks) is going to have to look beyond his hack purview. Bradlee finds his golden goose in leaked top-secret documents detailing the futility of the Vietnam conflict.

Based on the alarming true story, director Steven Spielberg takes this timely tale of government corruption and breaks it into digestible data. Unfortunately, this education approach to storytelling doesn’t lend well to the script’s feminist subplot.    

Fortunately, nowadays any woman can own a newspaper because publishers are desperate to sell.  Yellow Light

 

Phantom Thread

Ironically, the one career that men will always outperform women at is designing women’s fashion.

Case in point, the virtuoso dressmaker observed in this drama.

Top designer to London’s post-WWII elite, confirmed bachelor Reynolds Woodcock (Daniel Day-Lewis) is as renowned for his haute couture as he is for his fussy temperament. Even his new muse Alma (Vicky Krieps) falls prey to Woodcock’s aloofness when she moves into his fashion house and becomes his wife.

It is not until a walk in the woods does Alma discover a noxious way of keeping her mercurial man in check and under her thumb.

Beautifully shot and forcefully acted with a haunting score, Paul Thomas Anderson’s latest offering is a successful - but long-winded - analysis of genius and the extreme measures it takes to live with one.

Moreover, living with a genius is easy; just keep their brain in a jar of formaldehyde.  Yellow Light

 

The Commuter

The best thing about public transportation is the complimentary freak-show you get with your fare.

Unfortunately, the commuter is this thriller has to interact with the on-board oddities.

On his way home after being downsized, family man Michael (Liam Neeson) wonders how he will pay for his son’s education when another passenger aboard the train (Vera Farmiga) offers him $25,000.

The only hitch is that Michael must find a traveller on the train named Prynne and tag them with a GPS.  However, the closer he gets to locating Prynne, the more Michael learns of the money and its mysterious owner.

While there are fisticuffs to accompany the bouts of intrigue, for the most part this is pretty standard Liam Neeson fare that finds him playing the same stock tough-guy he’s played for the last decade.

Incidentally, after losing their job most people get under the train instead of on it.  Yellow Light

***Tomcat Walk***

Valentino: The Last Emperor

The best way to design a dress for a woman is to never ask her what she wants.

In fact, the only person that the dressmaker in this documentary listens to is his business partner.

Filmed over the final years of his career in the fashion industry, enigmatic designer Valentino Garavani reluctantly opens up the doors of his illustrious fashion house to the public for the first time as he preps to hang up his shears for good.

Archival footage documenting his early beginnings in Italy to his rise in popularity amongst Hollywood starlets, like Elizabeth Taylor, is interwoven with scenes of his last show in 2008, as well as in-depth interviews with some of those aforementioned celebrities, fellow designers, critics and Valentino’s longtime business partner Giancarlo Giammetti to construct one compelling biography.

Moreover, Valentino is proof that a man can design a dress for a woman that isn’t see-through.

He’s a Duress Maker. He’s the….

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s the Burnt Toast of the Town. He’s the….

Vidiot

Week of April 13, 2018

Charities are too needy. First up….

The Greatest Showman

Being the ringmaster of a circus means that you get your pick of the freaks to marry.

However, that rule doesn’t apply to the host in this musical because he’s already wed.

Following a string of dead-end ventures, entrepreneur P. T. Barnum (Hugh Jackman) finally finds his calling under the big top. After trading in his curio exhibit for the real-thing, adding a trapeze artist (Zendaya) and a songbird (Rebecca Ferguson) to his menagerie, Barnum then partners with an eminent dramatist (Zac Efron) to bring his show to the masses.

Seduced by his success, Barnum risks losing his performers and his wife (Michelle Williams).

While this socially conscience reinterpretation of Barnum’s real life has a number of toe tapping tunes and dance numbers to its credit, as well as a dynamic performance from Jackman, it is completely fictional and misleading.

Incidentally, circus sideshows still exist; they’re just called Walmarts now.  Yellow Light

All the Money in the World

You know you’ve made it when strangers kidnap your children for ransom.

So, for the industrialist in this drama, payoffs are just part of everyday life.

When her son is taken hostage Gail Harris (Michelle Williams) asks her father-in-law J. Paul Getty (Christopher Plummer) for the $17M ransom to free him, but the oil magnate flatly refuses for fear it will encourage copycats. He does, however, hire ex-CIA agent Fletcher Chase (Mark Wahlberg) to look into his grandson’s release.

But when the payment is delayed, the kidnappers send the heir’s ear in the mail.

Based on the real-life events of 1973 that brought the reclusive miser into the media spotlight, exposing his cruelty and stinginess to the world, director Ridley Scott and cast tell a compelling and complex tale of the failings of fortune and family.

Incidentally, avoid kidnapping middle children as they yield the least amount of ransom.  Green Light

 

Molly’s Game

Poker is one activity where the facially deformed can really clean up.

Unfortunately, the action in this drama is only open to handsome Hollywood actors.

From slinging suds in a nightclub to hosting an underground poker match for her boss that included celebrity players to eventually running her own game, Molly Bloom (Jessica Chastain) was on top of the world by 26.

But when an unspecified celebrity (Michael Cera), doesn’t get a cut of the take he forces Molly out of LA. Things go better in NYC, until the mafia and FBI reshuffle her deck.

Written and directed by Aaron Sorkin, this adaptation of Bloom’s own book is reinterpreted through the acerbic scribe’s witticisms and rapid-pace repartee. Thankfully, his writing skills translate to behind the camera, where he gets a powerhouse performance from Chastain.

Fortunately, you can make up gambling losses to a movie star by pirating their next blockbuster.  Green Light

***Half of All the Money in the World ***

High and Low

The key to being a successful kidnapper is never targeting families with twins or triplets.

However, the dimwitted abductor in this thriller can’t even swipe the correct kid.

Just as capitalist Kingo (Toshiro Mifune) is about to use his enormous wealth to acquire a company, he receives a phone call from a mysterious man informing him that his son has been kidnapped and that a ransom is demanded.

While Kingo agrees to put his purchase on hold to save his son, that all changes when it is learned that the captors took Kingo’s chauffeur’s son by mistake. Worse, they still want Kingo to pay the ransom.

A classic kidnapping caper elevated by an impossible moral quandary, director Akira Kurosawa’s black-and-white 1963 adaptation of the American bestseller is beautifully shot, briskly pace and dynamically performed by Kurosawa’s main muse Mifune.

Nevertheless, abducted Japanese children are still expected to maintain a respectful GPA.

He’s a Ransom Note Taker. He’s the…

Vidiot