Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Off-Keynote Speaker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of February 2, 2018

For public speaking, just imagine your audience is taking a dump. First up…

Goodbye Christopher Robin

The hardest part of writing bedtime stories is constructing prose so boring it puts your audience to sleep.

The yarns penned in this drama, however, roused more than fatigued their readership.

After WWI, author A.A. Milne’s (Domhnall Gleeson) creativity is stifled by his PTSD. It’s not until he details the adventures of his son, Christopher Robin (Alex Lawther), and his stuffed bear Winnie – named after Winnipeg - does Milne find his hit.

But the stress from sudden stardom, a neglectful mother (Margot Robbie) and an opportunistic father, pushes Christopher Robin towards his nanny (Kelly Macdonald), boarding school and enlistment in the forthcoming world war.

The depressing origin of literature’s most gluttonous bear, this well told and finely acted true story focuses on the family drama behind Pooh, adding much needed depth to the generally juvenile brand.   

Incidentally, if Milne’s stories were set in Winnipeg they’d have more stabbings in them.  Green Light

Professor Marston and the Wonder Women

Wonder Woman was created because Batman hitting Catwoman didn’t look good.

Ironically, this drama displays how the Amazonian Princess was forged from S&M.

Fired from his teaching position for his relationship between a student (Bella Heathcote) and his wife (Rebecca Hall), William Marston (Luke Evans) draws inspiration from his feminist viewpoint, his fetish leanings and his invention – the lie detector – to create the first female super-hero.

But when he and his publisher Max Gaines (Oliver Platt) are called before a decency commission for the BDSM imagery in the comics, Marston’s paradise comes crashing down.

The kinky beginnings of an icon of female empowerment, this Wonder Woman origin story doesn’t exploit the creator’s lifestyle choices, but instead offers compassion. With dedicated performances across the board, this titillating true tale shines a whole new light on the 75-year-old warrior woman.

And here everyone thought The Flash was DC Comics only sexual deviant.  Green Light   

***The Breast of the Story***

The Notorious Bettie Page 

As far as the general public is concerned Betty Page was a hair stylist.

Luckily, this biography about the infamous banged icon can elucidate for them.

After leaving her sexually abusive upbringing for a fresh start - and new hairdo - in NYC, good Christian Bettie Page (Gretchen Mol) takes an innocent modelling job for photographer Bunny Yeager (Sarah Paulson), alongside jungle cats.

Bunny’s muse attracts smut-peddling siblings (Lili Taylor, Chris Bauer), who take Betty underground where her bondage photos and films thrive on the fetish market.

Her erotic portfolio eventually lands the naïve bible thumper before a 1955 commission on youth and pornography.

An intimate and engaging study of history’s most elusive and influential pin-up model, this 2005 Indy darling from director Mary Harron beautifully tells Betty’s depressing story of faith, filth and accidentally infamy.

Nevertheless, the submissive in any BDSM relationship is always the one cleaning up afterwards.

He’s a Corporal Punisher. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Daredevil Worshipper. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 26, 2018

  

Demonic deities don't accept 40-year-old male virgins as sacrifices. First up…

Jigsaw

  

The worst thing about taking hostages is that Stockholm syndrome obligates you to send them all Christmas cards.

Even the killer in this horror movie has empathized with his victims over the years.

The deceased Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) is back in action, welcoming new captors (Laura Vandervoort, Brittany Allen, Mandela Van Peebles) to his complex torture tests designed to draw confessions of past sins from each.

  

As the hostages struggle for survival in captivity, dead bodies begin appearing around the city leading detective Halloran (Callum Keith Rennie) to suspect that a copycat killer is responsible.

Borrowing heavily from previous installments for its two major plot twists, this eighth chapter of the floundering franchise is predictable to anyone with a passing familiarity with the series. While Jigsaw’s traps are inventive, the largely Canadian cast is hammy.   

And remember the ransom for a Canadian hostage is half due to the exchange rate.  Red Light

 

​ 

Happy Death Day 

The best thing about reliving the same day over is never having to do laundry again.

  

However, the student in this horror movie has more on her mind than her wardrobe.

Hung-over, college coed Tree (Jessica Rothe) wakes on her birthday in the bed of a loser, Carter (Israel Broussard). Disgusted, she hurries about her day, which involves making out with her professor and hanging with her roomie (Ruby Modinebefore) before heading to another rager. On the way, however, a knife-wielding stranger murders her.

Instead of dying, Tree wakes on her birthday in Carter’s dorm room.

By applying the time-loop dilemma to the slasher genre, this low-budget thriller manages to create something new with the repeating day narrative. While the scares are tame, the twist is surprising, while the script as a whole is playful.  

Incidentally, if you die on your birthday they bury you in a pointy party hat.  Green Light

  

***Hard Copier***

Copycat

If you are going to imitate a serial killer mimic one who has never been caught.

  

Sadly, none of the murderers in this psychological thriller copy the Zodiac Killer.

When dead bodies start appearing around San Francisco, Inspector Monahan (Holly Hunter) and her partner (Dermot Mulroney) seek the expertise of a renowned criminal psychology, Dr. Hudson (Sigourney Weaver), who became a shut-in after she was attacked by a serial killer, Cullum (Harry Connick Jr.).

But when the new maniac’s MO matches Cullum’s, Hudson must face her jailed assailant in order to prevent the copycat from concluding Cullum’s work before they get to her.

With solid acting - save for Connick Jr. – and a twist filled script that keeps you guessing, this 1995 cat and mouse caper also offers up much insight into the methodical mind of a serial killer.  

Nevertheless, plagiarizing other murderers will not win you a Stabby Award.

He’s Copycat Litter. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Uncanny Valley Girl. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 19, 2018

Robots will always need humanity for a swift kick. First up…

Blade Runner 2049

The downside to having a robotic lover is that your romantic baths always end in electrocution.

  

Smartly, the Blade Runner in this sci-fi thriller keeps his sex-bot on his frontal lobe.

K (Ryan Gosling) is an engineered human employed by the LAPD for the purpose of tracking down and liquidating maverick replicates. When he learns of a replicate that reproduced, K’s superior (Robin Wright) orders him to kill the offspring before the manufacturer (Jared Leto) can exploit the glitch.  

K’s search for the lost lovechild finds him face-to-face with the Blade Runner who held his position previously, Deckard (Harrison Ford).   

A visual feast with absorbing concepts but measured pacing and a taxing runtime, this long awaited sequel to Ridley Scott’s 1982 adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s book is a worthy successor to the equally sluggish original.

Incidentally, when delivering a mechanical baby make sure not to cut the wrong cord.  Yellow Light

  

Geostorm

Extreme weather isn’t global warming; it’s God trying to wipe out humanity again.

  

Thankfully, this disaster movie has a Noah of its own to protect the wayward sinners.    

When a system of satellites he designed to control Earth’s climate begins to attack it, the ousted Jake (Gerard Butler) is asked to return to the International Climate Space Station by his replacement, his brother, Max (Jim Sturgess).

  

Jake is hesitant to help his former employer until he sees the damage his creation is wreaking across the world. But when Jake discovers that the White House planted the glitch, his and his daughter’s lives are endangered.

With a hokey premise that takes itself deadly serious, this super-nature thriller is a gentle breeze from being a movie-of the-week. Bad writing, ham-fisted acting and corny SPFX further feed this shit-storm.

Furthermore, if humanity controlled weather then all wars would be fought over the thermostat.  Red Light 

The Snowman

  

The best calling card a serial killer could leave behind for detectives would be an actual calling card.

Unfortunately, the stalker in this mystery just leaves a snowman at their massacres.

  

When a dead body turns up after the first snowfall of the season in the shadow of a newly erected snowman, a troubled detective, Harry (Michael Fassbender), sees enough similarities in the case to declare Oslo’s preeminent serial killer has returned.

With assistance from a gifted recruit (Rebecca Ferguson), Harry hunts the killer through decade old cold case files that lead him to believe that paternity disputes are the motivating factor.

  

An obvious whodunit that follows footprints forged by far superior crime thrillers, this adaptation of the Norwegian bestseller is a nonevent that never challenges viewers with its comatose romance, formulaic plot and endless red herrings.

Moreover, to catch the snowman killer: simply leave coal, buttons and top hat outside.  Red Light

***Forensic Science Fair***

The Bone Collector

  

The best keepsake to take from your murder victim is cash, credit cards or their car.

But for some reason the stalker in this crime-thriller collects worthless bone shards. 

Beat cop Donaghy (Angelina Jolie) pairs with a paralyzed forensic expert, Rhyme (Denzel Washington), to find a serial killer who extracts bone fragment from their victims as a souvenir. The duo concludes the perpetrator is a cabbie with a criminal record and a connection to Rhyme’s work in forensics.  

  

Unfortunately, Donaghy, Rhyme and his caretaker (Queen Latifah) don’t realize just how close the Bone Collector is.

While the mystery isn’t as earth-shattering as hoped, this first and only instalment in author Jeffery Deaver’s Rhyme series does feature inexplicable chemistry between the unlikely leads. In fact, this intriguing subplot supports the film’s formulaic construction.

Incidentally, the best way to prevent future serial killers is to execute every nice, quiet guy next door.

He’s the Grandson of Sam. He’s the…

  

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