Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Trust Fall Guy. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of July 22, 2016

Blind Justice needs a seeing-eye dog. First up…

​

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

As an illegal alien in America, Superman’s greatest adversary will always be Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

However, in this action movie it’s a middle-aged man in a bat-suit.

While dealing with authorities over his mid-air clash with Zod, which razed Metropolis, Superman (Henry Cavill) now finds himself the target of a disgruntled billionaire (Ben Affleck) who moonlights as the heavily-armoured hero: Batman. 

Meanwhile, a maniacal mogul (Jesse Eisenberg) provokes the rivalry further by kidnapping Supe’s mother (Diane Lane) and transfiguring Zod’s corpse into a monster.

With more DC characters running around as well, this supplement to Man of Steel - and set-up for Justice League - is needlessly convoluted with subplots that service future sequels instead of the story at hand.

The laughable dialogue, dreary aesthetic, and bloated Batman don’t help this slapdash skirmish either.

Fortunately, if he is deported Superman can always emigrant to the Caribbean and become Super-Mon.  Red Light

Criminal

The problem with getting someone else’s memories implanted in your head is that you have to remember a ton more birthdays.

Sadly, the recipient in this sci-fi thriller isn’t the gift-giving type.

A CIA higher-up (Gary Oldman) directs a doctor (Tommy Lee Jones) to imbed the memories of dead operative Pope (Ryan Reynolds) into the mind of a noted prisoner, Jericho (Kevin Costner), in order to locate a hacker (Michael Pitt) in possession of nuclear launch codes.

However, Jericho escapes during the procedure and heads to Pope’s house for sanctuary, where his wife (Gal Gadot) and daughter help him track down the hacker before the Russians do.

Extremely light on the science fiction aspect of the story, but heavy on the generic car-chases, shootouts and encrypted flash-drives, this middle-of-the-road mind meld offers little in ingenuity or excitement.

What’s more, Jericho now knows the passcode to get into the CIA’s sauna.  Yellow Light

Demolition

The simplest way to demolition your home is to rent it out on Airbnb.

Mind you, the widower in this drama finds it more cathartic to raze it himself.

Unable to cope with the death of his wife, or the guilt his father-in-law is projecting towards him, ridged investment banker Davis (Jake Gyllenhaal) takes out his frustrations in a series of complaint letters to a vending machine company.

Touched by his confessions, a customer service rep (Naomi Watts) makes contact. Eventually Davis befriends her and her sexually confused son, much to the chagrin of her boyfriend.

Meanwhile, Davis is also busy dismantling his dream home in hopes of finding some closure.

While it’s a well-intentioned work of post-mortem inspiration with a moving performance from Gyllenhaal, Demolition’s unconventional relationships and forced profundity come off as unrealistic and manipulative.

Besides, instead of destroying your dead’s wife’s wardrobe just re-marry someone her size.  Yellow Light

***Face Uplifting***

 

Seconds

The downside to getting a new face is that all your old selfies are now meaningless.

However, the recipient in this sci-fi thriller could care less about his old face.

Fatigued with his middle-aged existence, Arthur (John Randolph) abandons his loveless marriage for an opportunity being offered by a clandestine organization able to give you the life you’ve only dreamed of.

Surgically altered, rechristened Tony (Rock Hudson) and presented with a new apartment, Arthur enjoys his new life as a successful artist with many well-to-do friends.

But when a drunken Tony relapses into Arthur, he learns quickly that The Company doesn’t tolerate such regression.

A paranoid thriller that is both visually stunning - thanks to director John Frankenheimer - and highly suspenseful - thanks to its Twilight Zone-esque narrative and social commentary on modern medicine, Seconds is a landmark cinematic achievement.

Incidentally, Arthur’s sexual preference also changes when he becomes Rock Hudson.

He Botox Too Much. He's the...

Vidiot