Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Telephotogenic. He’s the…

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Week of July 1, 2016

Ugly people write the news that pretty people deliver. First up…

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Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

The worst part about being a female war correspondent is that every one naturally assumes you’re just there to report the weather.

However, the scribe in this dramedy is drab enough to pass as a reporter.

Gung-ho to get in front of the camera, copywriter Kim Barker (Tina Fey) accepts a field assignment in Afghanistan. Paired with a general (Billy Bob Thornton), mentored by a stringer (Margot Robbie) and wooed by a photojournalist (Martin Freeman), she quickly learns to navigate close quarter combat.

But when her segments go unaired due to audience apathy, Kim tries to seduce an official (Alfred Molina) for an excusive. 

Adapted from Baker’s own biography, WTF takes a lighter look at Operation Enduring Freedom that comes off more flippant than empathetic, especially the unfortunate casting of white actors in Afghani roles.    

Furthermore, being a female war correspondent isn’t as dangerous as being a female sports reporter.  Yellow Light

 

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Kung Fu Panda 3

China would have a higher panda population if it weren’t for the country’s one-cub policy.

Fortunately, the lonely bear in this animated adventure has found he has more kin.

Kung- Fu Master Po (Jack Black) inadvertently encounters his long-lost father (Bryan Cranston) around the same time a chi collecting villain (J. K. Simmons) escapes confinement and comes looking to collect the chosen one’s enchanted essence.

In order to defeat this newfound threat, Po must return with his father to a veiled panda village where he will learn to harness his inner energy for the imminent conflict.

While this successful franchise has lost some luster over the years, this third installment shows little signs of fatigue, with the laughs, the animation and the fight sequences standing up to close scrutiny.

Incidentally, the only real thing that a panda bear needs to be afraid of is life in a Western zoo enclosure.  Green Light

***Her Man Friday***

Brenda Starr

Female journalists in the 1940s we only allowed to cover soft news, like, who designed J. Edgar Hoover’s ball gown?

Except for the spunky stringer in this action movie, that is.

An artist inserts himself into his own comic strip when his ace reporter character Brenda Starr (Brooke Shields) threatens to leave the series.

Through an avatar (Timothy Dalton) the artist is allowed to enter the Amazonian rainforest alongside the intrepid newshawk as she searches for a scientist with a secret formula being sought by an enemy spy (Jeffrey Tambor) and Brenda’s long-time adversary Libby Lipscomb (Diana Scarwid).

Despite being a forerunner of the early-1990s comic-strip movie craze, this 1989 adaptation of the long-running daily is often overlooked. But rest assured, it’s as poorly acted, horribly scripted and as campy as all the others of the short-lived sub-genre.

Unfortunately, nowadays, Brenda’s jungle adventure would be reduced to a travel blog.

He’s a Progress Reporter. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Strictly Business Casual. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 24, 2016

Weekends in the summer should just be called weddings. First up…

 

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

Nowadays, when you attend a Greek wedding instead of a gift you are encouraged to give an austerity package.

Luckily, the couple in this comedy isn’t tying the knot near the Eurozone.

Toula (Nia Vardalos) not only has to cope with her daughter Paris (Elena Kampouris) moving away to college, but also her husband (John Corbett) feeling neglected when her parents (Lainie Kazan, Michael Constantine) decide to get re-married, and expect her to do all the hard work.

Meanwhile, Paris’ grandparents pressure her to land a Greek boyfriend for the event.

With a script that lacks a point and jokes that don’t work in today’s culturally sensitive world, this unnecessary sequel to the 2002 sleeper hit pales in comparison to the charming original, and reeks of desperation on the part of its creator/writer, Vardalos.

Incidentally, Greece could be relevant again if only it was reimagined as a philosophical theme park.  Red Light

 

The Brothers Grimsby

Young men in England only have two career options: the dole or football hooligan.

The Renaissance man in this action-comedy, however, is successfully pursuing both vocations.

Strapped with a wife (Rebel Wilson) and 11 kids, haphazard Nobby (Sacha Baron Cohen) dreams of the day he’ll reunite with his long-lost brother Sebastian (Mark Strong).

But when that day comes, Sebastian is working for MI6 and Nobby fumbles an assassination attempt on a notable humanitarian (Penélope Cruz), making it appear Sebastian’s gone rogue

Now Nobby must clear his brother’s name and prevent a biological weapon from detonating at a football match.

While Baron Cohen has a history of delivering lowbrow laughs, Grimsby does so in spades. Excessively crude and intentionally mean spirited, the few laughs it has are beyond infantile, while the action simply feels out of place.

Besides, the real MI6 kills all your living relatives before they let you join.  Red Light

***That’s Not a Wife. This is A Wife***

Muriel's Wedding

  

The best thing about wedding season in Australian is that it’s winter so your summers aren’t completely ruined.

Desperate to escape her overbearing parents (Bill Hunter, Jeanie Drynan), hopeless romantic and ABBA super-fan Muriel (Toni Collette) steals money from them and goes on a tropical vacation.

She returns home a new woman and gets a flat and roommate (Rachel Griffiths). But these lifestyle changes don’t keep her life from falling apart. And as her parents split, her friend gets ill and she drowns in debt, Muriel must grow up in order to stay afloat.

More depressing drama than laugh-out-loud comedy, this 1994 sleeper hit from Down Under deals with the harsh realities of becoming an adult, but manages to soften their edges with dark-humor and an up-tempo soundtrack dominated by the aforementioned Swedish pop group.

Incidentally, always seat your Australian wedding guests as far from the gift table as possible.

He’s a Burnt Toastmaster. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Chips & Diplomat. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 17, 2016

British Parliament isn’t as cheeky as you’d expect. First up…

London Has Fallen

To get the upper hand on terrorism we need to employ the use of suicide bomber-hostages.

However, the high-level hostage in this action movie isn’t likely to be allowed to wear an explosive vest.

In London for the Prime Minister’s funeral, US President Asher (Aaron Eckhart) and his bodyguard Mike Banning (Gerard Butler) are caught in a terrorist plot to wipeout all world leaders in attendance and kidnap Asher for online execution.

Across the pond, the US vice-president (Morgan Freeman) works with White House staff to solve the mystery behind the mastermind’s (Alon Moni Aboutboul) motives and the possibility of a mole.

Overstuffed with straightforward shootouts, commonplace car chases and patriotic orations, this unwarranted sequel to Olympus Has Fallen is even more bombastic and nationalistic. With Butler’s brutish performance and xenophobic one-liners as its highest and lowest points.

Besides, you’d get more online traffic executing that hunky Canadian Prime Minister.  Red Light

Eddie the Eagle

The upside to the Olympics being in Canada is the low exchange rate helps your IOC bribe go a lot further.

Unfortunately, the hopeful in this dramedy will need more than a kickback to compete.

Dreaming of gold since he was young, Eddie Edwards (Taron Egerton) has shoehorned himself into every possible activity with disastrous results. It’s not until he witnesses ski jumping does the fearless Brit find his calling.

With help from a failed ski jumper (Hugh Jackman), Eddie gets the training he needs to qualify for the 1988 games in Calgary, but not the respect of his fellow competitors.

Despite its’ over indulgence in sentimentality and played out sports clichés, this true underdog tale still manages to rally enough heart and good humor to provide a pleasant reflection on this unorthodox athlete.  

Mind you, to those in the southern hemisphere, this Winter Olympic anecdote is brand new.  Yellow Light

10 Cloverfield Lane

Here’s a helpful handyman tip: why not turn that old bomb shelter into a contemporary sex-dungeon?

Or, like, the doomsday prepper is this psychological-thriller: keep stocking it with preserves.

Michelle (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) comes to after a car accident to find she is confined in an underground bunker curated by conspiracy nut Howard (John Goodman), who believes the air above is now contaminated from an unknown attacker.

Remaining distrustful of her captor while building a rapport with him, Michelle conspires with her co-inmate (John Gallagher, Jr.) on constructing a homemade HAZMAT suit for escaping in.

On one hand it’s an intimate and exhilarating cat-and-mouse game with sporadic bursts of humor and malice. And on the other, it’s an out-of-left-field alien incursion sequel to the 2008 found-footage Cloverfield. But some how these two conflicting narratives work in an unanticipated fashion.

Ironically, to aliens, underground bunkers are like cans of preserved peaches.  Green Light

***Gold Meddling***

 

The Cutting Edge

When Calgary was awarded the 1988 Winter Olympics, the first thing that Americans did was purchase an atlas.

Surprisingly, the US athletes in this romantic-comedy were able to find Canada.

Colliding on their way to their gold medal competitions, blue-collar hockey player Doug (D. B. Sweeney) and uptight figure skater Kate (Moira Kelly) start off on the wrong skate.

But things get worse when their failures in ‘88 force them to work together for pairs figure skating success in ‘92. With clashing styles and personalities, Doug and Kate’s disdain on ice quickly turns to passion off it. But at what cost to the performance?

Wrought with early-nineties fashion faux pas and blurry slow-motion skating sequences, this opposite attractions opus is painfully predictable but oddly endearing – enough to spawn three lesser-known sequels.

Incidentally, the offspring of a hockey player and a figure skater will likely grow up to drive a Zamboni.

He’s an International Incidentalist. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Got Stuffed Animal Instincts. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 10, 2016

The safest place for hunting wild animals is the zoo. First up…

 

​Zootopia

No one has a problem with all-animal metropolises as long as citizens always remember to pick their pet human’s poop up.

Mind you, there aren’t many squatting Caucasians in this animated-adventure.

Believing you can be anything you want to be, no matter your genetic disposition, Judy (Ginnifer Goodwin) forgoes carrot farming for police work in the big city.

But instead of protecting the populace, Judy’s issuing parking tickets because her buffalo boss (Idris Elba) doesn’t think rabbits can be cops.

To prove she’s more than her genus, she pairs with her species sworn enemy, a street-wise fox (Jason Bateman), to solve a rash of unsolved missing mammal cases.

Ingenuously devised, strikingly rendered and wholly hilarious, this anthropomorphic whodunit has all the earmarks of classic Disney but with a modern message on diversity and tolerance.

Furthermore, contrary to popular belief, the worst drivers on Zootopian roadways are not always female pandas.  Green Light

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Anomalisa

Stop-motion animation is arduous on voice-actors because they can only say their lines in very small increments.

Fortunately, like with this stop-motion dramedy, it all comes together in post-production.

While on a book tour to Cincinnati, unhappily married self-help author Michael (David Thewlis) meets an old flame for a drink in his hotel. When that doesn’t pan out he flirts with an insecure groupie Lisa (Jennifer Jason Leigh) and takes her back to his room.

Inspired by a fevered-dream, he suggests they run away together. But her annoying idiosyncrasies and his increasing anxiety towards society may end their elopement before it begins.

A surreal, yet substantial, look at a mid-life crisis through the meticulous method of stop-motion animation, esoteric writer-director Charlie Kaufman brings his awkward insight and doleful humor to this Herculean effort with unprecedented and depressing results.

But at least this Claymation mid-life crisis has a lower body count than the California Raisins'.  Yellow Light

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Hail, Caesar!

Disgracefully, in the 1950s only white actors were cast for communist roles in Hollywood movies.

Fortunately, this comedy offers some enlightenment on the cultural insensitivity of “Redface”.

Employed by Capitol Pictures to protect their stars from public scandal, Mannix (Josh Brolin) faces an array of back-lot indignities, including: a pregnant starlet (Scarlett Johansson), an inept heartthrob (Alden Ehrenreich), twin sister gossip columnists (Tilda Swinton) and a leading man (George Clooney) who has been shanghaied by communists within the studio (Channing Tatum, Fisher Stevens).

The Coen Brothers’ ambitious but aimless attempt at lampooning the low-end genre pictures of post-war Hollywood and the escalating red menace therein, Hail Caesar does have some noteworthy odes to old Hollywood. Unfortunately, they never coalesce with the larger story, which seriously lacks the siblings’ eccentric brand of humor.    

Besides, the best way to catch commie actors is to stakeout the pot of borscht at craft services.  Red Light

 

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13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi

 

The best part about the US embassy is that you don’t have to remove your footwear when you invade it.

Mind you, the Islamic militants in this true story don’t seem to care either way.

On the 11th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, contract soldiers (John Krasinski, James Badge Dale, Dominic Fumusa) working in Benghazi must protect the US Ambassador to Libya (Matt Letscher) and the embassy from hoards of angry rebels.

But as their defenses fall and their supplies deplete, these former Navy SEALs must prepare for the inevitable.

The dramatic retelling of the 2012 events that inspired the bestselling book on the anniversary attacks, 13 Hours is a surprisingly humane story from the usually bombastic Michael Bay. Not to say, that it isn’t draped in patriotic pap.

However, honouring the anniversary of the 11th anniversary 9/11 attacks on the anniversary of the actual 9/11 attacks could get confusing. Yellow Light

***Stop-Motion Detector***

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The Wind in the Willows

If animals did have human qualities, humans would have gone to war with the cows years ago.

Fortunately, none of the anthropomorphic fauna in this animated movie are edible.

Suffering from spring fever, Mole (Richard Pearson) emerges from his subterranean home. During his constitutional he encounters his woodland colleagues Rat (Ian Carmichael) and Badger (Michael Hordern). Together, they arrange a picnic, followed by a visit to Toad Hall.

The latter, however, proves a wild ride as the lead footed Mr. Toad (David Jason) takes the trio on a whirlwind tour of the countryside in his roadster, which lands Toad in hot water.

Featuring an unforgettable Mr. Toad performance and finely detailed characters that are masterful manipulated, this brilliant stop-motion BBC adaptation of the misadventures of upper-crusty critters is now a classic in its own right.

More impressive is that foxhunting dogs haven’t torn any of these beloved characters to shreds.

He’s Breaking Wind in the Willows. He’s the…

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