Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Portobello Mushroom Cloud. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of February 12, 2016

Cyanide salad is a nice alternative to capsules. First up…

 

Spectre

With his parentless upbringing, eccentric enemies, and endless gadgets, it’s obvious that James Bond is really Batman.

And while Gotham City is not on Bond’s itinerary in this action movie, he does travel extensively.

While Agent 007 (Daniel Craig) goes about exposing a clandestine criminal empire run by a ghost from his past, Blofeld (Christoph Waltz), his boss M (Ralph Fiennes) tries to keep MI5 from shutting down the Double O program in favor of a worldwide intelligence gathering initiative.

With help from a Quantum scientist’s daughter (Léa Seydoux), Bond ascertains that the two may just be connected.

The 24th installment in the British spy franchise, Spectre certainly serves up some ambitious action sequences and unexpected surprises.  

However, those revelations are more inane than intriguing, while the main villain is just feeble in general.

Moreover, doesn’t Spectre realize that the only way to thwart James Bond is with an STI? Yellow Light

 

Crimson Peak

To really make it as a female novelist in the nineteenth-century one had to adopt a penname ending in Brontë.

Instead, the fledgling author in this thriller accepts the surname of a baronet.

Following her father’s funeral, horror-fiction fan Edith (Mia Wasikowska) weds a British industrialist (Tom Hiddleston) who transports her across the pond to his Gothic estate, where he works and resides alongside his sister (Jessica Chastain).

But buried beneath the red clay of the country manor are restless spirits that haunt Edith, warning her of her hosts’ iniquity.

From director Guillermo del Toro and featuring a bevy of sinister performances, Crimson Peak is a stunningly shot Victorian ghost story with atmospheric set design and a palpable sense of dread.

All of which, help to elevate it past the gratuitous gross-out of standard horror schlock.

However, lesser minds are going to assume that everyone at Crimson Peak is menstruating.  Green Light

***Specter Gadget***

 

The Devil’s Backbone

To increase adoptions, all orphanages should double as animal shelters.

Unfortunately, the poorhouse in this horror movie is already half-occupied by ghosts.

After being separated from his parents during the Spanish Civil War, the newly orphaned Carlos (Fernando Tielve) seeks refuge at a forsaken orphanage run by a doctor (Federico Luppi) and his administrator (Marisa Paredes).

Uneasy with his surroundings, which include an undetonated bomb in the middle of the courtyard and a creepy caretaker (Eduardo Noriega), Carlos isn’t surprised to be haunted by a spectral orphan proselytization impending doom.

While the script can stray into some confusing territory at times, director Guillermo del Toro always steers it back on to its eerie, and oddly compassionate, course.

Drenched in shadows and rife with spine tingling atmosphere, the scares are subtle but sufficiently startling.

And just like in real life, no one wants to adopt an orphan ghost older than six.

He’s a Guttersniper. He’s the…

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