He Commits Crimes of Passion Fruit. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of August 14, 2015
Cops and kidnappers both prefer zip ties to handcuffs. First
up…
Hot Pursuit
A cop’s ideal 911 call has to be: hostage situation at the
Tim Horton’s.
However any assignment other than the one the policewoman in
this comedy has would be ideal.
By-the-books Officer Cooper (Reese Witherspoon) has just
been tasked with protecting a cartel informant and his wife Daniella (Sofía
Vergara).
But when masked assailants murder the snitch, she must go on
the lam with Daniella in order to clear her name as the assassin.
Keeping one clumsy step ahead of the rat’s real killers and
the drug cartel, Cooper eventually learns of Daniella’s secret agenda, and
tries to abate her.
What could’ve been a positive pairing of two female
powerhouses is lost to a woefully humorless script that sees Vergara typecast
as a fiery Columbian and Witherspoon embarrassing her self with an abhorrent
southern accent.
In conclusion, if God wanted women to be cops he wouldn’t
have created sexual harassment. Red
Light
Ride
When a woman says that she’s riding the crimson wave it
doesn’t mean she’s a sunrise surfer.
Mind your, the middle-aged mom in this dramedy could be the
exception.
When her son Angelo (Brenton Thwaites) drops out of college
to pursue his writing and surf aspirations on the West Coast, Jackie (Helen
Hunt) takes a hiatus from her editing job to keep an eye on him.
In California she starts taking surf lessons from Ian (Luke
Wilson) and discovers a new side to herself apart from her son’s post-secondary
life choices.
Free to explore, Angelo also finds his rebellious view on
education may not be the best option for his art.
From its superficial self-discovery script to its stock
surfing shots, this vanity project from writer/director Helen Hunt does little
to showcase any noteworthy talents beyond her established acting ability.
Nevertheless, surfer parents sound way less involved than
helicopter parents. Red Light
Madame Bovary
The hardest part of cheating in the Victorian Era was
removing all of your petticoats before you could screw.
Fortunately, the unfaithful wife in this drama has plenty of
time thanks to her husband’s schedule.
Married off to a small-town doctor Charles Bovary (Henry
Lloyd-Hughes), adolescent Emma (Mia Wasikowska) is unsatisfied with her rural
surroundings and her husband’s absence.
These doldrums quickly culminate in excessive spending and
extramarital affairs with two separate lovers (Logan Marshall-Green, Ezra
Miller).
But when her affairs and increasing debt are exposed to her
husband, Emma has no one but her past conquests to turn to for help.
An acceptable adaptation of the controversial classic, this
abridged version doesn’t sacrifice the novel’s numerous themes, or dumbs them
down. Instead it cuts through the unnecessary exposition to create a concise
account of this complicated character.
Incidentally, Madame Bovary paved they way for future
adulterers like Ashley Madison. Yellow
Light
***Fishnet Stalking***
Psycho Beach Party
One telltale sign that you have had sex on the beach is that
human/jellyfish hybrid you just gave birth to.
Luckily, the amorous adolescent in this comedy is avoiding
inter-species breeding.
Prudish Florence (Lauren Ambrose) wants to learn how to surf
from The Great Kanaka (Thomas Gibson) and his crew (Amy Adams, Nicholas
Brendon).
While making great strides on the waves, Florence - now
Chicklet - still struggles with the unpredictable blackouts that turn her into
a sex-crazed psychopath.
Meanwhile, a police detective (Charles Busch) has come to
the seaside to investigate a recent rash of murders that seem to implicate
everyone Chicklet knows.
Based on the off-Broadway production, this subversive
sixties surf movie spoof has ample seventy slasher film tendencies to please
both fans of deliberate camp and low-budget horror.
By the way, if you’re going surfing after committing a
murder make sure to wash the blood off beforehand.
He’s a Serf Boarder. He’s the…
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