Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Born-Again Virgin Sacrifice. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of August 28, 2015

Volcanoes are the Earth’s zits. First up…

Aloha

Hawaii is the ideal US State insofar as its inaccessibility to Mexican immigrants.

Thankfully, it’s not too remote for the defence contractor in this dramedy.

Sent to Hawaii by his boss (Bill Murray) to secure a deal with tribes that’ll set the stage for private space flight, Brian (Bradley Cooper) is escorted around the island by an Air Force captain (Emma Stone).

During his weeklong sojourn, Brian gets reacquainted with his ex (Rachel McAdams), who is married to a pilot (John Krasinski) and has two kids.

As pressure to seal the deal mounts, Brian receives life-altering news and also embarks on a new relationship that challenges his immorality.

A hodgepodge of espionage, awkward romances and hidden secrets, this eco-friendly mess comes compliments of director Cameron Crowe, who struggles to make sense of his own disjointed script.

Besides, if Hawaii were a strategic military location someone would’ve attacked it years ago.  Red Light

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Big Game

The most important thing to remember when you’re big game hunting is to not post photos on social media.

Thankfully, the poachers in this action movie are far from Internet access.

When terrorists shoot Air Force One down over a forest in Finland, President Moore (Samuel L. Jackson) finds himself under the protection of Oskari (Onni Tommila), a young sportsman on his first solo-hunting trip.

With only a crude bow for protection, Oskari attempts to save the president from his pursuer (Ray Stevenson), so he can prove to his father that he’s a man.

Meanwhile, the Vice-President (Victor Garber) and CIA higher-ups (Jim Broadbent, Felicity Huffman) work on recovering the commander and chief.

While the simplistic plot, laughable dialogue and adolescent lead harken back to 80s’ actioneers, this Finnish import fails to deliver enough updated action sequences to sate modern tastes.

Incidentally, the easiest president to hunt would’ve been FDR.  Yellow Light

***Safari, So Good***

 

The Ghost and The Darkness

The only time it’s acceptable to kill a lion is if it’s dressed like a cow, chicken or pig.

Mind you, the most consumed animal in this action movie is man.

Sent to Kenya by his boss (Tom Wilkinson) to expedite work on his railroad, military engineer Col. John Henry (Val Kilmer) is advised by the project supervisors (Brian McCardie, John Kani) that two man-eating lions have been holding up progress.

When he fails to slay the stealthy predators, Patterson’s boss hires an experienced hunter (Michael Douglas) to eliminate the threat for good.

But even the famed huntsman can’t kill the cunning cats, and he soon finds himself on their dinner menu.

Based on Patterson’s book, this adaptation of his harrowing account is as frightening as it is fascinating, with the lions serving as truly menacing antagonists.

But to fair, big game hunters should have to dress as injured gazelle.

He’s a Big Game Changer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He has an Offline Presence. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of August 21, 2015

Online is totally harder than real life. First up…

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Unfriended

The comforting thing about unfriending someone from social media is that you were likely never friends to begin with.

Unfortunately, the girls in this horror movie were childhood companions.

Laura (Heather Sossaman) joins her friend Blaire (Shelley Hennig), Blaire’s boyfriend (Moses Jacob Storm) and three others (Jacob Wysocki, Will Peltz, Renee Olstead) on a Skype chat one year after she committed suicide over an embarrassing viral video of herself.

In response to Blaire’s numerous attempts to delete the unknown user, Laura uploads incriminating photos and videos that tear Blaire’s friend circle asunder.

Meanwhile, members of the online community begin dropping like flies.

While the first-person forced perspective can get tedious, and the tawdry secrets would’ve worked better in a dramatic script, this anemic slasher movie does get high praise for its originality and cyber-bulling relevance.

Incidentally, Facebook accounts belonging to dead people aren’t haunted; they’ve just been hacked by terrorists.  Yellow Light

 

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Citizenfour

The upside to the government monitoring your Internet use is they’ll have your passwords when you forget them.

Mind you, the whistler-blower in this documentary doesn’t see the benefits to Big Brother.

Documentary filmmaker Laura Poitras receives an encoded email from Citizen Four claiming they have evidence the government has been monitoring American citizens Internet/phone use since 9/11.

Along with journalists Glenn Greenwald and Ewen MacAskill, Poitras goes to Hong Kong to meet the informant who turns out to be an NSA employee: Edward Snowden.

As his identity is leaked to the media, Poitras is there to capture the epic fallout first-hand.

While its predominantly shots of talking heads and redacted files, it’s the content concerning the loss of privacy that makes Citizenfour the most important documentary in American history.

Incidentally, the only thing the government learned from spying on citizens was they lie on their online dating profiles.  Green Light

***Protest Subjects***

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We Are Legion:  The Story of the Hacktivists

Thanks to online anonymity you can now let your friends know that they’re fat sluts without having to lose their friendship.

However, fat shaming is far from the mandate of the faceless hackers in this documentary.

From its early inception on image-based message boards to its impact on the occupy movement, the polemic collective of online hackers known as Anonymous has always put freedom of speech first on their list of demands.

Claiming to have hacked numerous email accounts and websites belonging to governments, politicians and movie executives, the faceless rabble reinforce their rule when civil liberties are threatened.

Speaking in-depth with masked/unmasked members (Anon2World, Gregg Housh) as well as curators of online media outlets that tout its exploits, We Are Legion may be biased but it does divulged incredible insight into this unorganized organization.

Furthermore, it’s nice to know that those masks they wear don’t mean they’re all Juggalos.

He’s a Nondescript Writer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Commits Crimes of Passion Fruit. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of August 14, 2015

Cops and kidnappers both prefer zip ties to handcuffs. First up…

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Hot Pursuit

A cop’s ideal 911 call has to be: hostage situation at the Tim Horton’s.

However any assignment other than the one the policewoman in this comedy has would be ideal.

By-the-books Officer Cooper (Reese Witherspoon) has just been tasked with protecting a cartel informant and his wife Daniella (Sofía Vergara).

But when masked assailants murder the snitch, she must go on the lam with Daniella in order to clear her name as the assassin.

Keeping one clumsy step ahead of the rat’s real killers and the drug cartel, Cooper eventually learns of Daniella’s secret agenda, and tries to abate her.

What could’ve been a positive pairing of two female powerhouses is lost to a woefully humorless script that sees Vergara typecast as a fiery Columbian and Witherspoon embarrassing her self with an abhorrent southern accent.

In conclusion, if God wanted women to be cops he wouldn’t have created sexual harassment.  Red Light

 

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Ride

When a woman says that she’s riding the crimson wave it doesn’t mean she’s a sunrise surfer.

Mind your, the middle-aged mom in this dramedy could be the exception.

When her son Angelo (Brenton Thwaites) drops out of college to pursue his writing and surf aspirations on the West Coast, Jackie (Helen Hunt) takes a hiatus from her editing job to keep an eye on him.

In California she starts taking surf lessons from Ian (Luke Wilson) and discovers a new side to herself apart from her son’s post-secondary life choices.

Free to explore, Angelo also finds his rebellious view on education may not be the best option for his art.

From its superficial self-discovery script to its stock surfing shots, this vanity project from writer/director Helen Hunt does little to showcase any noteworthy talents beyond her established acting ability.

Nevertheless, surfer parents sound way less involved than helicopter parents.  Red Light

 

Madame Bovary

The hardest part of cheating in the Victorian Era was removing all of your petticoats before you could screw.

Fortunately, the unfaithful wife in this drama has plenty of time thanks to her husband’s schedule.

Married off to a small-town doctor Charles Bovary (Henry Lloyd-Hughes), adolescent Emma (Mia Wasikowska) is unsatisfied with her rural surroundings and her husband’s absence.

These doldrums quickly culminate in excessive spending and extramarital affairs with two separate lovers (Logan Marshall-Green, Ezra Miller).

But when her affairs and increasing debt are exposed to her husband, Emma has no one but her past conquests to turn to for help.

An acceptable adaptation of the controversial classic, this abridged version doesn’t sacrifice the novel’s numerous themes, or dumbs them down. Instead it cuts through the unnecessary exposition to create a concise account of this complicated character.

Incidentally, Madame Bovary paved they way for future adulterers like Ashley Madison.  Yellow Light

***Fishnet Stalking***

 

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Psycho Beach Party

One telltale sign that you have had sex on the beach is that human/jellyfish hybrid you just gave birth to.

Luckily, the amorous adolescent in this comedy is avoiding inter-species breeding.

Prudish Florence (Lauren Ambrose) wants to learn how to surf from The Great Kanaka (Thomas Gibson) and his crew (Amy Adams, Nicholas Brendon).

While making great strides on the waves, Florence - now Chicklet - still struggles with the unpredictable blackouts that turn her into a sex-crazed psychopath.

Meanwhile, a police detective (Charles Busch) has come to the seaside to investigate a recent rash of murders that seem to implicate everyone Chicklet knows.

Based on the off-Broadway production, this subversive sixties surf movie spoof has ample seventy slasher film tendencies to please both fans of deliberate camp and low-budget horror.

By the way, if you’re going surfing after committing a murder make sure to wash the blood off beforehand.

He’s a Serf Boarder. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Two-Bit Production Company. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of August 7, 2015

Post-Apocalyptic theme parks are a great family getaway. First up…

 

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The Divergent Series: Insurgent

The worst thing about living in a dystopian world is you’re stuck with the same series of iPhone forever.

Mind you, the adolescent survivors in this sci-fi movie have more life threatening matters to worry about.

When the head of the Erudite fraction, Jeanine (Kate Winslet), gains possession of an enigmatic box that can only be opened by a Divergent, she sends her death squad to round one up.

Unable to find a suitable subject she then turns to the gifted rebel Tris’ (Shailene Woodley), and uses her Dauntless friends to gain her surrender.

Now Tris must pass five virtual aptitude tests in order to unlock the box’s secret.

The second installment in the questionable adaptation of the popular YA series, Insurgent at least injects some action and motive into this so-far pointless post-apocalyptic parable.

Incidentally, the only people looking forward to a post-apocalyptic future besides teenagers, are militant loners.  Yellow Light 

Child 44

The reason everyone wanted to join the army during Stalin’s regime was because dying was better than living under Stalin’s regime.

However, Stalin doesn’t scare the civil servant questioning the State in this thriller.

As an agent of the Ministry of State Security, Leo (Tom Hardy) learns of a number of gruesome murders suggesting there could be a serial killer on the loose.

Unfortunately, General Nesterov (Gary Oldman) demises all the evidence on grounds that communism could never create such a capitalistic concept as a child killer.

For his blasphemy, Leo and his wife (Noomi Rapace) are banished. But it doesn’t stop them from finding the night stalker.   

While it touches on some interesting ideas, including Nazis experiments with vampirism, this tedious adaptation of the novel spreads itself thin with numerous confusing subplots and an overall dearth of suspense.

Besides, for a Commie, Stalin sure liked his Levis and Coke.  Red Light

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True Story

If you plan to steal a print journalist’s identity make sure you file for bankruptcy protection beforehand.

However, when it comes to the unscrupulous scribe in this drama avoidance is best.

Recently disgraced New York Times writer Michael Finkel (Jonah Hill) is shocked to discover a man accused of murdering his family, Christian Longo (James Franco), has stolen his identity.

On meeting with Longo, Finkel becomes so enamored with him he strikes a deal to tell his story in exchange for tutoring Longo in writing.

Looking for redemption in Longo’s memoir, Finkel ignores glaring errors in his student’s admission that could possibly threaten his book deal.

Based on the bizarre true story, True Story is a straight-laced and keenly acted retelling of the circumstances surrounding these horrific murders with little substance beyond that. 

Furthermore, federal prisons already offer free online courses for child killers looking to get their journalism degree.  Yellow Light

 

Far From the Madding Crowd

Back in Victorian times it was highly illegal for an unmarried woman to be a millionaire.

Unless, of course, she inherited her wealth, as does the woman in this romantic movie.

Bathsheba Everdene (Carey Mulligan) is an impetuous young girl whose uncle bequeaths her his farm.

Quick to shake up the countryside status quo with her no-nonsense approach to both farmhands and her customers, it’s no surprise she attracts three suitors: a soldier (Tom Sturridge), an aristocrat (Michael Sheen) and her herdsman (Matthias Schoenaerts).

Unfortunately, her lure towards recklessness results in a regrettable relationship one of them, while ostracizing her true love.

The latest adaption of Thomas Hardy’s 1874 love story, this pastoral period piece is Victorian storytelling at its finest: a feisty female lead, the bucking of social etiquette and unrequited love from multiple sources.

Incidentally, falling madly in love with the wrong person was a popular Victorian past time.   Green Light   

***Infanticidal Maniac***

 

M

The only time it’s acceptable to kill a child is if they’re crying uncontrollably while you’re in a restaurant, at a theater, or on an airplane.

Unfortunately, the monster in this thriller committed his crimes far from the tarmac. 

When the law comes down on Berlin’s underworld due to a rash of child killings, the criminals in turn conduct their own search for the culprit (Peter Lorre) to clear their names and cool the heat.

Marked with the letter M while abducting another victim, the kid killer is finally caught…but not by police.

Brought before gangland judges to answer for his crimes the accused calls out the courts own morality.

Director Fritz Lang’s first talkie, M is masterfully shot and marvelously performed by Peter Lorre, who magically embodies the creepy persona of the repentant predator. 

However, Germans wouldn’t be so adverse to the kid killings if the blonde/blue-eyed ones were spared.

He’s Overly Kid Friendly. He’s the…

Vidiot