He’s an Alien Racist. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week
of June 5, 2015
Earth is for mono-penis beings only. First
up…
Jupiter Ascending
The first thing a woman would ask after
discovering she’s the heir to an alien planet is how much weight will its
gravity add.
Thankfully, the naïve queen in this sci-fi
movie is only named after Jupiter.
While a servant on Earth, Jupiter Jones
(Mila Kunis) is royalty in outer space, which is why a space prince has sent a
hybrid soldier (Channing Tatum) to retrieve her for marriage.
However, the prince’s brother (Eddie
Redmayne) has dispatched his own troops to slay Jupiter before his brother can
lay claim to her rule over Earth and its populace, which their race harvests
for youth serum.
Written and directed by The Wachowskis,
Jupiter Ascending is yet another example of the siblings’ descending career.
Despite some impressive action scenes, the
ridiculous storyline, stale acting and incestuous undertones are off-putting.
Plus, when you’re a space queen it takes
all-day to decapitate your multi-headed detractors. Red Light
Focus
The best way to catch a pickpocket is to
fill your pockets with Krazy Glue.
Unfortunately, the cutpurses in this
dramedy are too quick for the adhesive properties.
When a green grifter, Jess (Margot Robbie),
fails to swindle a veteran conman, Nicky (Will Smith), he takes her under his
wing – and into his bed.
Introduced to his associates, Jess uses her
allure to distract marks while Nicky’s crew steals their valuables.
But when Nicky uses Jess in a con without
her knowledge, the pair part ways. That is until a motorsport scam Nicky is
working on reunites them.
Part love story, part comedy and part
caper, Focus has a hard time focusing on what it wants to be.
And while the dialogue is snappy, the
decisive con is painfully obvious from the get-go.
Incidentally, if a stranger’s hand lingers
in your pocket, you’re not being robbed - you’re being molested. Yellow Light
***Guys & Galaxies***
Queen of Outer Space
The upside to a planet without men is no
weightless toenail clippings floating about.
Thankfully, the gravity on the planet in
this sci-fi film is similar to Earth.
When they crash-land on Venus, Capt.
Patterson (Eric Fleming) and his crew are shocked to learn they’re marooned on
an all-female planet ruled by a masked matriarch.
It’s not long until the captain and his men
learn of one of the queen’s advisor’s (Zsa Zsa Gabor) plan to overthrow her
reign of misandry.
In doing so, they uncover the terrible
deeds that lead to man’s banishment from Venus, and of the man-made atrocity
that marred the monstrous monarch.
A B-Movie through-and-through, Queen of
Outer Space is not only a cautionary tale about mankind’s warmongering, but
also a progressive piece of feminist fiction that unfortunately succumbs to the
sexism of 1958.
Incidentally, banished Venusian males went
on to colonize the first gay-friendly planet.
He’s a Meteor Shower Cap. He’s the…
Vidiot
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