He’ll Leave You Out to Drip Dry. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of June 27, 2014
Loyalty can only be trusted in savings card form. First up…
300: Rise of an Empire
If Greece and Persia ever go to war it’ll make choosing
between shawarmas and gyros at lunchtime a political statement.
However, according to this action movie, both ancient
empires did do battle - before either ethnic pita wrap existed.
Imbued with godly hubris and a willing army of thousands,
the Persian King Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro) engages in war with Greece.
Defending the Republic from the approaching Persian armada
is Grecian General Themistocles (Sullivan Stapleton) and his severely
outnumbered fleet.
While a small band of boats protect the entrance to
Thermopylae, Themistocles leads a flotilla to attack the Persian ships, lead by
a whip-wielding commander, Artemisia (Eva Green).
While Eva Green steals the show, this sequel - set shortly
after the events of its predecessor - overindulges in the digital blood
splatter, inspirational battle speeches and slow-mo skirmishes.
Besides, the only thing you can acquire from invading Greece
is high unemployment. Yellow Light
Winter’s Tale
The best thing about love in the winter is that the other
person’s body heat delays your dying of hypothermia.
Mind you, it’s not a low body temperature that threatens the
lovers in this fantasy: it’s tuberculosis.
Peter (Colin Farrell) is an orphaned immigrant who was
raised by a gangster (Russell Crowe) to be a thief.
While raiding a residence Peter encounters the ailing
Beverly (Jessica Brown Findlay), who he falls in love with.
Unfortunately, fate intervenes and Peter ends up an immortal
amnesiac ambling the avenues of New York for a century.
It’s not until he meets Virginia (Jennifer Connelly) does he
remember his purpose.
With angels, demons, and a flying horse, this adaptation of
the novel is too whimsical to be taken serious. Its ideas are underdeveloped,
its romance is anemic and the story is convoluted.
Furthermore, falling in love with a burglar isn’t love…it’s
Stockholm syndrome. Red Light
Enemy
The upside to a look-alike is when you’re hung-over you can
send them to work as you.
Although it’s not occupations the doubles in this thriller
are swapping.
After spotting an actor in a movie that resembles himself, a
discontented college professor, Adam (Jake Gyllenhaal), embarks on a mission to
contact him.
Adam eventually learns that the performer’s name is Anthony
St. Claire (Jake Gyllenhaal) and that he has a pregnant wife (Sarah Gadon) and
that he also lives in Toronto.
When the pair finally meets face-to-face, Anthony’s
enthusiasm for erotica evokes an arrangement to take Adam’s girlfriend (Mélanie
Laurent) away for the weekend.
Meanwhile, a gigantic tarantula stalks Adam’s psyche.
A dark rendition of the Prince and Pauper, this Canadian
psychological thriller captures perfect polar opposite performances from
Gyllenhaal that culminate in cryptic fashion.
Incidentally, women can always tell their man’s been
replaced when they start having vaginal orgasms. Green Light
***Alike You***
Dead Ringers
The easiest way to tell twins apart is to horribly scar one
of them across the cheek.
And while incisions are central to this psychological
thriller, professional doctors perform them all.
Twin Torontonian gynecologists, Beverly and Elliot Mantle
(Jeremy Irons), have made a name for themselves fixing female fertility
problems.
When an infertile and drug-addled actress, Claire (Geneviève
Bujold) asks for their assistance, Elliot encourages his reserved brother to
seduce her.
But their relationship is jeopardized when she learns that
Elliot has been impersonating his brother to have sex with her.
Meanwhile, Beverly has sunk into a delusional world where he
is haunted by disfigured female organs.
Adapted from the book by Canadian director David Cronenberg,
Dead Ringers delivers two outstanding performances from Irons, along with eerie
imagery and an enigmatic ending that will leave heads scratching.
Unfortunately, identical twin gynecologists mean you’re
gonna have four hands up your vagina.
He’s a Doppelgang Banger. He’s the…
Vidiot
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