Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’ll Leave You Out to Drip Dry. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 27, 2014

Loyalty can only be trusted in savings card form. First up…

300: Rise of an Empire

If Greece and Persia ever go to war it’ll make choosing between shawarmas and gyros at lunchtime a political statement.

However, according to this action movie, both ancient empires did do battle - before either ethnic pita wrap existed.

Imbued with godly hubris and a willing army of thousands, the Persian King Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro) engages in war with Greece.

Defending the Republic from the approaching Persian armada is Grecian General Themistocles (Sullivan Stapleton) and his severely outnumbered fleet.

While a small band of boats protect the entrance to Thermopylae, Themistocles leads a flotilla to attack the Persian ships, lead by a whip-wielding commander, Artemisia (Eva Green).

While Eva Green steals the show, this sequel - set shortly after the events of its predecessor - overindulges in the digital blood splatter, inspirational battle speeches and slow-mo skirmishes.

Besides, the only thing you can acquire from invading Greece is high unemployment.  Yellow Light

Winter’s Tale

The best thing about love in the winter is that the other person’s body heat delays your dying of hypothermia.

Mind you, it’s not a low body temperature that threatens the lovers in this fantasy: it’s tuberculosis.

Peter (Colin Farrell) is an orphaned immigrant who was raised by a gangster (Russell Crowe) to be a thief.

While raiding a residence Peter encounters the ailing Beverly (Jessica Brown Findlay), who he falls in love with.

Unfortunately, fate intervenes and Peter ends up an immortal amnesiac ambling the avenues of New York for a century.

It’s not until he meets Virginia (Jennifer Connelly) does he remember his purpose.

With angels, demons, and a flying horse, this adaptation of the novel is too whimsical to be taken serious. Its ideas are underdeveloped, its romance is anemic and the story is convoluted.

Furthermore, falling in love with a burglar isn’t love…it’s Stockholm syndrome.  Red Light

Enemy

The upside to a look-alike is when you’re hung-over you can send them to work as you.

Although it’s not occupations the doubles in this thriller are swapping.

After spotting an actor in a movie that resembles himself, a discontented college professor, Adam (Jake Gyllenhaal), embarks on a mission to contact him.

Adam eventually learns that the performer’s name is Anthony St. Claire (Jake Gyllenhaal) and that he has a pregnant wife (Sarah Gadon) and that he also lives in Toronto.

When the pair finally meets face-to-face, Anthony’s enthusiasm for erotica evokes an arrangement to take Adam’s girlfriend (Mélanie Laurent) away for the weekend.

Meanwhile, a gigantic tarantula stalks Adam’s psyche.

A dark rendition of the Prince and Pauper, this Canadian psychological thriller captures perfect polar opposite performances from Gyllenhaal that culminate in cryptic fashion.

Incidentally, women can always tell their man’s been replaced when they start having vaginal orgasms.  Green Light

***Alike You***

Dead Ringers

The easiest way to tell twins apart is to horribly scar one of them across the cheek.

And while incisions are central to this psychological thriller, professional doctors perform them all.

Twin Torontonian gynecologists, Beverly and Elliot Mantle (Jeremy Irons), have made a name for themselves fixing female fertility problems.

When an infertile and drug-addled actress, Claire (Geneviève Bujold) asks for their assistance, Elliot encourages his reserved brother to seduce her.

But their relationship is jeopardized when she learns that Elliot has been impersonating his brother to have sex with her.

Meanwhile, Beverly has sunk into a delusional world where he is haunted by disfigured female organs.

 

Adapted from the book by Canadian director David Cronenberg, Dead Ringers delivers two outstanding performances from Irons, along with eerie imagery and an enigmatic ending that will leave heads scratching.

Unfortunately, identical twin gynecologists mean you’re gonna have four hands up your vagina.

He’s a Doppelgang Banger. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Overpays Attention. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 20, 2014

Details would be easier if they were obvious. First up…

 

The Lego Movie

The worst thing about a Lego movie is that you are eventually going to step on it in your bare feet one day.

Fortunately, this animated adventure comes in a digital format.

Dimwitted construction worker Emmet (Chris Pratt) is bonded with an item that can prevent Lord Business (Will Ferrell) from freezing the folks of Bricksburg in place.

Aiding him is a wizard (Morgan Freeman), a master-builder (Elizabeth Banks), Batman (Will Arnett) and other trademarked characters (Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Alison Brie, Charlie Day, Nick Offerman).

In order to beat Lord Business though, Emmet must tap into his underutilized imagination.

Lampooning the very building blocks that inspired it - and the pop culture licenses it’s parent company holds - The Lego Movie is unlike any other: it’s uproarious irreverence is equaled only by its narrative’s relevance.

And in the end, Lego all goes to the same place: inside the couch.  Green Light

 

The Grand Budapest Hotel 

Instead of robes, hotels should offer guests complimentary HAZMAT suits.

Auspiciously, the accommodations at the alpine resort in this comedy are immaculate - because it’s mostly empty.

There are a few souls. Among them a writer (Jude Law) interested in the hotel’s history, and the owner, Zero (F. Murray Abraham), who’s happy to regale him with it over dinner.

In 1932, under the tutelage of the overly committed concierge, Monsieur Gustave (Ralph Fiennes), Zero (Tony Revolori) gains employment at the hotel.

When a deceased dowager (Tilda Swinton) bequeaths Gustave a valuable painting, it sets off a chain of events that lands him in prison.

From the quirky characters, to the pastel aesthetic and the subtle sophistication, this latest offering from director Wes Anderson has his idiosyncratic and affable fingerprints all over it.

Furthermore, the Bible is the only item in a hotel room likely to be covered in biological fluid.  Green Light

Joe

The upside to being a drifter is when the work dries up in one town you can kill your boss and move to another.

Unfortunately, the transients in this drama are killing locals and staying.

Gary (Tye Sheridan), a 15-year-old wanderer with an alcoholic father (Gary Poulter), lands a job for him and his dad poisoning dying trees with Joe (Nicolas Cage), an ex-con with a problem with authority.

While Gary is lauded for his effort and forms a bond with Joe, Gary’s father is fired.

In retaliation, he teams with Joe’s adversary (Ronnie Gene Blevins) to get revenge on both Joe and Gary.

Entrenched in the intensity of small-town grudges, Joe is a down-and-dirty mentor and mentee tale that showcases two powerful performances from its established star and its rising co-star.

Incidentally, the best mentors are the ones that can teach you to remove copper wiring from new homes.  Green Light

***Monkey Business Opportunity***

Dunston Checks In

The way to tell if a monkey has been in your hotel room is the feces that you had left on the bedside table is now on the wall.

However, the orangutan in this family-comedy is toilet trained better than most humans.

Kyle (Eric Lloyd), the son of the Majestic Hotel’s manager (Jason Alexander), befriends Dunston, an orangutan who has been trained to steal by his master, a jewel thief (Rupert Everett).

Mistaken for a critic by the hotel owner (Faye Dunaway), the pickpocket is permitted to go about his business unobstructed.

But when word gets out that a primate has checked into the establishment, the hotel’s 5-star rating and Kyle’s dad are threatened.

A madcap escapade embellished by slapstick shenanigans and puerile pranks, Dunston Checks In is as goofy as expected but surprisingly endearing and amiable.

Furthermore, it’s refreshing to finally find a non-decomposing ape in a hotel room.

He’s in his Primate. He’s the… 

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Juicy Tenderfoot. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of June 13, 2014

No man with helicopter keys gets left behind. First up…

 

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit 

The first thing a new CIA recruit should know is what C.I.A. stands for.

Thankfully, the green agent in this action/thriller has his acronyms down.

An injured solider, Jack Ryan (Chris Pine), is recruited by a seasoned CIA operative (Costner) to join the Agency as an undercover analyst.

Assigned to Wall Street, Ryan scrutinizes the stock market for terrorist activity.

When he does detect an anomaly, it turns out to be a Russian loyalist (Kenneth Branagh) plotting America’s economic demise.

What’s worse, Ryan’s fiancée (Keira Knightley) becomes suspicious of his activities and gets involved in his mission.

A reboot of Tom Clancy’s seminal spook, Shadow Recruit is a middling entry into the franchise’s anemic catalogue.

While Pine’s version of the astute agent is adequate, Knightley’s American accent and Branagh’s clichéd Commie villain routine undermine the already slow moving narrative.

Incidentally, Wall Street CIA agents have stock tickers on their guns.  Yellow Light

Non-Stop

The easiest way to tell if there is an air marshal on your flight is to yell out: Bomb!

A better way, as the air-terrorist in this thriller finds, is to start killing crewmembers.

An alcoholic air marshal (Liam Neeson) aboard a non-stop flight across the Atlantic receives a text from a passenger stating that he will kill someone every 20 minutes until he gets $150M.

Determined to neutralize the mysterious threat, the marshal starts targeting suspicious passengers and interrogating them.

But when evidence comes to light that the marshal may be the terrorist, passengers (Julianne Moore, Jason Butler Harner) and crew (Michelle Dockery, Lupita Nyong'o) panic.

An intriguing concept with a tragic lead and tons of close-combat sequences, Non-Stop seems poised to please.

Unfortunately, the game’s perpetrator isn’t as earth shattering as hoped and the acting can be flighty.

By the way, more dead passengers means more elbow room.  Yellow Light

Adult World 

The best part of working at an adult bookstore is the great customer base you get to pepper-spray nightly.

Surprisingly, the X-rated video renters in this dramedy are quite innocuous.

A college graduate with no prospects in her chosen field of poetry, Amy (Emma Roberts) eventually answers a want ad for a porn store clerk.

Under the tutelage of fellow employee Alex (Evan Peters), Amy learns the ins and outs of the adult entertainment and writes her prose in her spare time.

By chance she encounters her idol, erstwhile poet Rat Billings (John Cusack), who begrudgingly becomes her mentor.

But her drive for recognition quickly alienates her new family.

Not as prolific as it wants to be, Adult World does benefit from Cusack’s involvement but he is not enough to carry the clichéd laden coming-of-age script. 

Furthermore, any poet worth a damn isn’t into pornography, they’re into pills and booze.  Red Light

***Jack Ryan Sr.***

Patriot Games

CIA retirement packages should always include low-level government secrets that the retiree can sell to the Russians.

Unfortunately, the former agent in this thriller is dealing with the Irish.

On vacation with his wife (Anne Archer) and daughter (Thora Birch), ex-CIA agent Jack Ryan (Harrison Ford) thwarts the kidnapping of the British Secretary of State for Northern Ireland.

During the skirmish, Ryan kills the brother of one of the IRA members (Sean Bean), who vows revenge.

He makes good on that promise when the Secretary visits Ryan’s family home in Maryland.

Unfortunately for the IRA, Ryan hasn’t forgotten how to neutralize a foreign threat.

The second installment - and first star Ford in the titular role - Patriot Games replaces its predecessor’s intrigue with white-knuckle action for a more satisfying, yet less cerebral, follow-up.   

As for how to get the IRA off your trail: lead them to an Orangemen convention.

He’s Lower Classified. He’s the… 

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Cyborg Bully. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of June 6, 2014

Robot cops can’t touch you in the rain. First up…

RoboCop 

The worst part of a robot cop is where you have to blow into their Breathalyzer.

Thankfully, the automated officer’s design in this sci-fi film isn’t so perverted.

In the future, the US military fights its wars by means of mechanized soldiers.

Though successful on foreign soil, Americans aren’t so keen on that soulless style of policing at home.

To fix that, head manufacturer Raymond Sellars (Michael Keaton) directs his scientist (Gary Oldman) to craft a human/robot hybrid cop from the remains of a recently fallen officer, Alex Murphy (Joel Kinnaman).

But Murphy’s compulsion to catch his killers overrides his programming, putting his family (Abbie Cornish, John Paul Ruttan) and the project in jeopardy.

One of the few revisions worthy of its inspiration, this sleek remake removes the original’s tongue from its cheek, but not its gritty violence or social commentary.  

Incidentally, robotic police officers will devastate the donut industry.  Green Light

Lone Survivor 

The key to surviving in the wilderness is to avoid going into the wilderness in the first place.

Unfortunately, for the Navy SEALs in this action movie, it’s part of their job.

When a Taliban leader is located in a remote region of Afghanistan, snipers Marcus Luttrell (Mark Wahlberg) and Matthew Axelson (Ben Foster), along with spotters Danny Dietz (Emile Hirsch) and Michael P. Murphy (Taylor Kitsch), are dispatched to a nearby mountain range.

Waiting for a shot, the team encounters goat herders. Torn between killing them and freeing them, Luttrell eventually let’s them go.

Moments later, they’re attacked by their targets. Outnumbered and outgunned, the team makes their last stand.

Based on the best-selling biography, this intensely violent and emotionally draining adaptation is a shocking example of military ineptitude and the senseless valor it produces.

Besides, when pinned down by Islamic fundamentalists, it’s time to start praying to Allah.  Green Light

***Artificial Foot Soldiers***

 

Universal Soldier

The only way to defeat an army of robots is to download a PTSD virus onto their system.

Thankfully, the armed forces in this sci-fi film are only reanimated corpses.

After shooting each other in Vietnam, Private Deveraux (Jean-Claude Van Damme) and Sergeant Scott (Dolph Lundgren) are resuscitated in the 1990s under a secret military operation.

Tasked with wiping out terrorists, the pair does its job flawlessly.

But when Scott’s bloodlust returns, it jogs Deveraux’s memories of what happened in ‘Nam and of the family he left behind.

With Scott unhinged, Deveraux is compelled to help a reporter (Ally Walker) expose the army’s inhuman experimentation, even if it means taking down his teammates.

Perfectly cast as emotionless robots, the mumble-mouth leads make the most of the formulaic material by relying more on stern looks and leg splits to convey their feelings. 

Furthermore, recycling dead soldiers saves a fortune on death notifications.

He’s a Hand-Drill Sergeant. He’s the… 

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