Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Needs a Regroup Hug. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 6, 2012

It’s time to start accumulating end-of-world debt. First up…

Contagion 

The worst part about dying of a cold virus is that the paramedics will find you in your housecoat, buried in snotty Kleenex.

Fortunately, the pandemic in this thriller will kill you before you even have a chance to say: Gesundheit.

On her way back from a meeting in China, an ill businesswoman (Gwyneth Paltrow) stops in Chicago to cheat on her husband (Matt Damon), before heading home to Minneapolis.

Days later, her and her son die of inexplicable causes, leaving her husband and daughter to live in quarantine.

Elsewhere, disease experts (Laurence Fishburne, Kate Winslet) race to find a cure for the spreading epidemic.

While an online conspiracy theorist (Jude Law) propagates mass hysteria.

With various story-arcs exploring plague scenarios, and a capable cast registering humanities reaction, Contagion is a sophisticated and stylish forewarning.

As for the origins of the mutated virus, why not ask Purell's board of directors?  0

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

There’s no reason kids should be afraid of the dark because the same monsters will be there in the light, except now they’ll have to watch themselves be eaten.

Fortunately, the ravenous imps in this horror movie abhor any type of illumination.

When her mother sends her to live with her father (Guy Pearce) and his girlfriend (Katie Holmes) in the old mansion they’re restoring, Sally’s (Bailee Madison) ADHA begins to act up, resulting in strange behaviour.

Beckoned to the basement of the abode by disembodied voices, Sally discovers the manor’s secret: minute monsters that crave human teeth.

Unfortunately, no one believes her outlandish tale, blaming the delusions on her disorder.

While this remake of a made-for-television movie contains some scares, once the inane looking creatures are revealed, the atmosphere completely dissipates.  

Besides, when renovating a mansion you have to expect to discover weird stuff, like slumbering demons or a super-hero’s hideout.  0       

Shark Night 3D

Man, I hate shark night at the ballpark. Last time I couldn’t see the game on account of the stupid whale shark someone brought.

Fortunately, this is a horror movie about a shark outbreak and not some outlandish theme-night.

In need of a break, university students (Katharine McPhee, Joel David Moore Sinqua Walls, Alyssa Diaz, Dustin Milligan, Chris Zylka) invade their friend Sara’s (Sara Paxton) Louisiana summerhouse.

But when a shark attacks their friend, their vacation becomes a bloodbath.

And when Sara asks her ex-boyfriend (Chris Carmack) to help them, he instead reveals to her and her friends the manmade origin of the lake’s shark infestation.

Starting out as a cheap thriller, over time Shark Night’s horrendous one-liners and insane plot form the foundation of a cult classic.

As for sharks living in public lakes, if they can handle the high content of human excrement than more power to them.  0

I Don’t Know How She Does It

Being a working mom is exhausting. Not only do you have to raise children and work a full-time job, but you also have to constantly remind everyone of how exhausting it all is.

Thankfully, working moms have this comedy to educate the public on their plight.

Kate (Sarah Jessica Parker) is a financial planner finally being recognized by her firm. She is also mom to two children being raised by her struggling architect husband (Greg Kinnear).

Able to manage her manic lifestyle up until now, with increased travel time and a blossoming relationship with her business partner (Pierce Brosnan), Kate begins to lose sight of what’s important.

With critiques of modern moms interwoven throughout, this laugh-less bore uses paternal propaganda to patronize viewers into pitying female workers who chose to have a family.

Besides, businessmen not only have to juggle work and family, but also their mistresses and cocaine addiction.  0

***The Welcome Hazmat***

Outbreak

The hardest part of battling any infectious disease is wielding weapons tiny enough to exterminate the microbes.

Fortunately, the scientists in this thriller only need a weapon large enough to kill a monkey.

When a simian infected with an Ebola type virus is smuggled into the U.S. and stolen from an animal testing facility, it ends up on the black market.

While the contaminated critter fails to garner any offers, it does manage to infect everyone that it comes in contact with.

Now, it’s up to a virus specialist (Dustin Hoffman) and his ex-wife (Rene Russo) to capture the host and create an antidote before the military wipes the quarantined community off the map.

By offsetting its exaggerated storyline with paranoia inducing plot points, this star-studded supposition succeeds at entertainment through mass hysteria.

However, a more realistic carrier of the deadly bug would have been a classroom full of preschoolers.

He's an Epic-demic. He's the...

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