Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Styrofoaming at the Mouth. He’s the…

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Week of January 27, 2012

Knock on plastic. First up… 

Real Steel

The worst thing about robot boxers is their inability to grasp the concept of “taking a dive” without self-destructing. 

Fortunately, the pubescent manager of the steel-plated pugilist in this sci-fi movie has got too much integrity for bribes.

Following his mother’s death Max (Dakota Goyo) becomes the ward of his affluent aunt (Hope Davis).

But with a vacation on the horizon, she must bribe his father, an ex-boxer (Hugh Jackman), to safeguard him until her return.

Under his supervision, Max recuperates a robot, which he and his dad enter into bouts.   

On the eve of their title shot, however, Max is removed from the event after his dad’s creditors come looking for their cut.

In spite of its cheesy lines and flamboyant bouts, Real Steel has real heart underneath its steely exterior.     

And while watching boxing with your absentee father can be healing, beating him up would be more rewarding.  0

50/50

An individual using his or her terminal illness in order to get a date is as repugnant as someone using Match.com to get one.

But that hasn’t stopped the young sufferer in this dramedy from using pity to get into girls pants.

Adam’s (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) world crumbles when he receives word that his chronic back pain is actually the result of cancer.

Unable to deal with his recovery, his girlfriend (Bryce Dallas Howard) dumps him, leaving only his friend Kyle (Seth Rogen) to lean on during his chemotherapy.

To help his emotional state, Adam starts seeing a novice therapist (Anna Kendrick), at the same time he re-enters the dating scene, both of which beget awkward situations.

An upfront depiction of the devastating disorder, 50/50 eases the disease’s depressing disposition with brash comedy and incessant optimism.   

Incidentally, cancer is particularly tragic for single men, since single women already dislike bald guys.  0

***Custody Battle of the Century***

The Champ

The best thing about having your kid in your corner during a boxing match is that you can use them as a shield if your opponent is too strong.

And while the father of the boy in this drama would never do anything that horrendous to his son, his mother sure would.

Raised on the road by his father Billy (Jon Voight), a third-rate boxer, T.J. (Ricky Schroder) is caught off-guard when his absentee mother, Annie (Faye Dunaway), reenters their lives.

Re-married, with the means to provide T.J. with a future beyond seedy bouts in broke down honky-tonks, Annie’s interference inspires Billy to commence training for his imminent return to the ring.

A candid portrayal of paternal love, The Champ delivers uplifting uppercuts and rousing right-hooks directly to your soft spot.

Besides, boxers make for perfect parents; thanks to their concussions, they’re at roughly the same stage of brain development.

He’s Throwing in the Moist Towelette. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Overdosed on Chill Pills. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 20, 2012

There should be an 8th weekday between Sat & Sun. First up…

The Ides of March

Bad things always happen during March: Messiahs rise from their graves, Irish people are encouraged to get smashed and stabbings while eating Caesar salad increase.

That spring tradition of tragedy now continues with this thriller. 

Determined to see Governor Morris (George Clooney) succeed at his run for presidency, Stephen (Ryan Gosling) excels at his junior position under the Senior Campaign Manager (Philip Seymour Hoffman).

In fact, he’s so exceptional that he is headhunted by the campaign manager (Paul Giamatti) for Morris’ Republican opponent.

Later, a Morris aide (Evan Rachel Wood) comes forward with news that could devastate the white knight’s reputation, while Stephen’s meeting with the enemy is leaked to a reporter (Marisa Tomei).

A pulse-pounding plunge in to the political arena, The Ides of March is a superlative study of a naïve guppy’s evolution into a shrewd shark. 

As for politics, it’s best left to those who can afford to keep their gay lifestyle a secret.  0

Abduction

The best thing about your dad being a CIA agent is that you can cut ties with your dealer and start buying off him. 

And while the spook in this action movie isn’t carrying, he does have an unsafe item on his person.

When Agent Price (Dermot Mulroney) disappears with a list of crooked operatives, a terrorist (Michael Nyqvist) tries to obtain it by posting fraudulent posters of Price’s son Nathan (Taylor Lautner) on missing children websites.

Years later, while working on a missing child assignment for school with his classmate Karen (Lily Collins), Nathan comes across his photo.

When he calls the number posted, Nathan instigates events that lead to his evading the terrorists in a frantic flight across the country.

A maelstrom of ham-fisted acting, slapdash action and sheer pointlessness, Abduction should remain missing.

Although, it is refreshing to see it’s not a known relative doing the abducting.  0       

***Capitol Hillbilly***

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

Being elected to Senate is like winning the lottery because everyone in town now knows that you have millions of dollars to dole out.

Hence, the effort the newly elected Senator in this drama is putting into the formation of a boys’ camp in his home state.

Appointed a U.S. Senator through providence, head ranger scout Jefferson Smith (James Stewart) finds himself in Washington under the tutelage of Senator Paine (Claude Rains).

Pegged as a patsy, Smith’s subtle stubbornness shines through when his proposed wilderness sanctuary impedes on a dam construction bill helmed by his mentor, Paine.

To prevent its construction, Smith stonewalls proceedings by prompting a filibuster.

While the patriotic pageantry does get laborious, at its core, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington is a hardnosed account of dirty politics in action.

As for making the right decision in politics, whichever choice covers up the strangled intern is the right one.

He Makes Impeach Preserves. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Gutter Ballroom Dancer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 13, 2012

Strikes are way cooler in bowling. First up…

Moneyball

The sex/baseball analogy doesn’t end with bases and home-runs.

In fact, both activities also employ stats, performance-enhancing drugs and the capacity to bore women easily.

Regrettably, this drama has nary a female to corroborate with that last comparison.

When 3 of his star players jump ship, the general manager of the Oakland Athletics, Billy Beane (Brad Pitt), is left with a void to fill.

Unable to attract any of the high paid players, Beane, instead, hires a young economist (Jonah Hill) to identify the sport’s most undervalued players so that he can add them to his roster.

While the unorthodox strategy attracts the ire of the A’s manager (Philip Seymour Hoffman), all suspicions are quelled once the theory comes to fruition.

Though it’s a savvy deconstruction of baseball’s financial divide, this true story can at times become tedious.

Besides, blue-collar baseball fans will always prefer to drunkenly harass rich athletes. 0

What’s Your Number?

The problem with assigning people numbers is that everyone will want to be #69.

Unfortunately, due to her promiscuity, the female in this romantic-comedy is more akin to #666.

After another one-night stand, Ally (Anna Faris) is left feeling used. Even worse, she loses her job.

Reading a magazine, she stumbles on an article asking for the number of men that she has slept with. Ashamed of her 19 lovers, she vows abstinence until engaged.

Unfortunately, that promise is broken after sleeping with her ex-boss (Joel McHale). 

Finally determined to find Mr. Right, Ally then employs her neighbour (Chris Evans) to track down her past conquests.

With a skewed perception of comedy and a squalid approach to romance, What’s Your Number is not only humorless but harmful.

Besides, women don’t need multiple lovers to be happy; they just need a bad boy and a good boy to fight over them. 0

Paranormal Activity 3

The upside to having a ghost as your best friend is that it guarantees you acceptance amongst the Goths at your school.

Unfortunately, the pals of the poltergeist in this horror movie are years away from cliques.

Found video footage from 1988 documents the eerie events that Katie (Chloe Csengery), her sister (Jessica Tyler), their mother (Lauren Bittner) and her boyfriend Dennis (Christopher Nicholas Smith) experienced after moving into their new home.

Among the activities captured is that of an invisible creature that lives in the crawlspace of the girls’ bedroom.

A videographer by trade, Dennis rigs the home with cameras and, overtime, obtains some truly terrorizing images.

The second sequel to the franchise, Paranormal Activity 3 increases the scares and expands the story, but at the cost of becoming contrived.

Incidentally, not all bumps in the night are ghosts. Sometimes they’re just the strung-out junkies living in your attic. 0

Killer Elite

Planning an assassin’s surprise retirement party is not that different than planning any surprise party, except that instead of yelling surprise when they arrive, guests’ just open fire.

Fortunately, the killer in this action movie is only semi-retired.

Bryce (Jason Statham), a highly trained mercenary, is called out of retirement when his old teammate (Robert DeNiro) botches a mission for an Oman king.

Tasked with tracking down and taping the confessions of the British agents that killed the king’s sons during an incursion, Bryce calls on his old teammates (Dominic Purcell, Aden Young) for backup.

Meanwhile, an operative (Clive Owen) employed to safeguard those former agents gets wind of Bryce’s activities and hones in on him.

With below average action scenes, questionable acting and a pitiable plotline, Killer Elite is a shade above generic.

Besides, everyone already knows that assassins have the same retirement success rate as Hip-Hop icons and star athletes.  0

***Ump Pyre***

Damn Yankees 

Due to all of the skulls that they’ve crushed, baseball bats probably have a special place in Hell.

So, it’s no wonder the Devil’s willing to assist the die-hard fan in this musical.

When Joe (Tab Hunter), a Senators fan, proclaims he’d sell his soul for his club to beat the Yankees, the Devil appears in the form of a man, Applegate (Ray Walston).

Offering to go Joe one better, Applegate promises to make Joe the star player. The only hitch: he must hand over his soul at the end of the season.

Agreeing, the next day Joe begins his career and leads the Senators to the pennant, playing right into Applegate and his assistant Lola’s (Gwen Verdon) hands.

The film version of the musical based on the story of Faust, Damn Yankees has a devilishly good story to accompany its unforgettable songs.

However, isn’t Hell’s representative in baseball already Pete Rose?

He has Athlete's Foot in his Mouth. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Needs a Regroup Hug. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 6, 2012

It’s time to start accumulating end-of-world debt. First up…

Contagion 

The worst part about dying of a cold virus is that the paramedics will find you in your housecoat, buried in snotty Kleenex.

Fortunately, the pandemic in this thriller will kill you before you even have a chance to say: Gesundheit.

On her way back from a meeting in China, an ill businesswoman (Gwyneth Paltrow) stops in Chicago to cheat on her husband (Matt Damon), before heading home to Minneapolis.

Days later, her and her son die of inexplicable causes, leaving her husband and daughter to live in quarantine.

Elsewhere, disease experts (Laurence Fishburne, Kate Winslet) race to find a cure for the spreading epidemic.

While an online conspiracy theorist (Jude Law) propagates mass hysteria.

With various story-arcs exploring plague scenarios, and a capable cast registering humanities reaction, Contagion is a sophisticated and stylish forewarning.

As for the origins of the mutated virus, why not ask Purell's board of directors?  0

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

There’s no reason kids should be afraid of the dark because the same monsters will be there in the light, except now they’ll have to watch themselves be eaten.

Fortunately, the ravenous imps in this horror movie abhor any type of illumination.

When her mother sends her to live with her father (Guy Pearce) and his girlfriend (Katie Holmes) in the old mansion they’re restoring, Sally’s (Bailee Madison) ADHA begins to act up, resulting in strange behaviour.

Beckoned to the basement of the abode by disembodied voices, Sally discovers the manor’s secret: minute monsters that crave human teeth.

Unfortunately, no one believes her outlandish tale, blaming the delusions on her disorder.

While this remake of a made-for-television movie contains some scares, once the inane looking creatures are revealed, the atmosphere completely dissipates.  

Besides, when renovating a mansion you have to expect to discover weird stuff, like slumbering demons or a super-hero’s hideout.  0       

Shark Night 3D

Man, I hate shark night at the ballpark. Last time I couldn’t see the game on account of the stupid whale shark someone brought.

Fortunately, this is a horror movie about a shark outbreak and not some outlandish theme-night.

In need of a break, university students (Katharine McPhee, Joel David Moore Sinqua Walls, Alyssa Diaz, Dustin Milligan, Chris Zylka) invade their friend Sara’s (Sara Paxton) Louisiana summerhouse.

But when a shark attacks their friend, their vacation becomes a bloodbath.

And when Sara asks her ex-boyfriend (Chris Carmack) to help them, he instead reveals to her and her friends the manmade origin of the lake’s shark infestation.

Starting out as a cheap thriller, over time Shark Night’s horrendous one-liners and insane plot form the foundation of a cult classic.

As for sharks living in public lakes, if they can handle the high content of human excrement than more power to them.  0

I Don’t Know How She Does It

Being a working mom is exhausting. Not only do you have to raise children and work a full-time job, but you also have to constantly remind everyone of how exhausting it all is.

Thankfully, working moms have this comedy to educate the public on their plight.

Kate (Sarah Jessica Parker) is a financial planner finally being recognized by her firm. She is also mom to two children being raised by her struggling architect husband (Greg Kinnear).

Able to manage her manic lifestyle up until now, with increased travel time and a blossoming relationship with her business partner (Pierce Brosnan), Kate begins to lose sight of what’s important.

With critiques of modern moms interwoven throughout, this laugh-less bore uses paternal propaganda to patronize viewers into pitying female workers who chose to have a family.

Besides, businessmen not only have to juggle work and family, but also their mistresses and cocaine addiction.  0

***The Welcome Hazmat***

Outbreak

The hardest part of battling any infectious disease is wielding weapons tiny enough to exterminate the microbes.

Fortunately, the scientists in this thriller only need a weapon large enough to kill a monkey.

When a simian infected with an Ebola type virus is smuggled into the U.S. and stolen from an animal testing facility, it ends up on the black market.

While the contaminated critter fails to garner any offers, it does manage to infect everyone that it comes in contact with.

Now, it’s up to a virus specialist (Dustin Hoffman) and his ex-wife (Rene Russo) to capture the host and create an antidote before the military wipes the quarantined community off the map.

By offsetting its exaggerated storyline with paranoia inducing plot points, this star-studded supposition succeeds at entertainment through mass hysteria.

However, a more realistic carrier of the deadly bug would have been a classroom full of preschoolers.

He's an Epic-demic. He's the...

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