Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Neighbourhood Watch Repairman. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 1, 2015

Peeping Toms can save peoples lives sometimes. First up…

 

The Boy Next Door

Before having an affair with your neighbour first sign an agreement to share the cost of a new fence.

However, property lines are the last thing on the mind of the horny housewife in this thriller.

Separated from her husband (John Corbett) due to his infidelity, high school lit teacher Claire (Jennifer Lopez) raises her son on her own.

Before school starts, she has a one-night stand with her neighbour’s nephew Noah (Ryan Guzman).

When school starts, he’s enrolled in her class as a student.

But when she spurns his advances, Noah starts terrorizing her family and friends.

A contrived contribution to the obsessed ex-lover genre, BND not only suffers from an absence of overboard antics on the crazy persons part, but also from Lopez’ inability to emote or deliver dialogue in a credible manner.

Besides, first it’s sex, next thing you know your neighbour wants to borrow some flour. Red Light

 

Inherent Vice

The best part of being your own boss is you get to decide if drinking on the job is acceptable or not.

Apparently, the P.I. in this mystery doesn’t have a problem with being high at work.

After he’s hired by his ex-girlfriend (Katherine Waterston) to keep her new boyfriend Mickey (Eric Roberts) from being committed by his wife, Doc (Joaquin Phoenix) is hired by a radical (Michael K. Williams) to reclaim money owned to him by Mickey’s bodyguard.

It’s not until an ex-junkie (Jena Malone) asks Doc to locate her missing husband (Owen Wilson) does the pothead private dick put things together.

Brimming with far-out characters and a career-defining performance from Phoenix, P.T. Anderson’s interpretation of the comedy-crime novel is an instant classic that only cracks under it’s protracted running time.

The downside to a stoner detective, however, is you have to constantly remind them to solve your case.  Yellow Light

***Antisocial Studies***

 

Fear

Teenage girls like to date bad boys because the nice guys aren’t rich enough yet.

Mind you, the young woman in this thriller is doing it to annoy her father.

Sent to Seattle to live with father (William Petersen), his new wife (Amy Brenneman) and her son after being evicted by her mother, Nicole (Reese Witherspoon) meets the enigmatic David (Mark Wahlberg).

Shortly after the two become an item, Nicole begins to miss her curfew – enraging her father who is already angry over David undermining his authority.

By the time Nicole realizes David’s true nature, he and his friends have surrounded her home and having begun terrorizing her family.

The quintessential crazy ex-lover movie, Fear is not only loaded with outlandish behaviour on the part of the unstable party, but it also showcases Wahlberg’s best performance to date.

Incidentally, the only guy good enough for a man’s daughter is a eunuch.

He’s a Stalk Boy. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Person of Disinterest. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 24, 2015

Shoot the ugly hostages first. First up…

Taken 3

As someone who has been taken by Nigerian princes on the Internet many times over, it never gets easier.

Oops, apparently this action movie is about being physically taken, not swindled out of your life savings.

Accused of killing his ex-wife Lenore (Famke Janssen), Bryan (Liam Neeson) flees from the authorities (Forest Whittaker) in order to catch the real killer.

On the lam, he contacts his daughter (Maggie Grace) - who has another surprise for him - and uncovers clues connecting Lenore’s new husband (Dougray Scott ) with the Russian mafia.

While the trademark fisticuffs, shoot-outs and car chases are all present and accounted for in this final entry in the one-trick pony franchise, they lack the verve they once had.

The boilerplate script, cardboard acting, and stock villains don’t help Taken 3’s case much either.

Incidentally, in addition to vodka and caviar, organized crime is Russia’s other main export. Red Light

The Wedding Ringer

Destination weddings are like eloping with your wedding guests in tow.

Fortunately the groom in this comedy has no family or friends to speak of.

While prepping for his pending nuptials to Gretchen (Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting), Doug (Josh Gad) discovers that he has no close guy friends he can ask to be his groomsmen.

Desperate, he reaches out to a professional best man Jimmy (Kevin Hart), who will pretend to be his best friend and supply groomsmen to round out the wedding party.

Despite preliminary problems with their backstories, Doug, Jimmy and the others form the kind of friendships Doug’s been longing for.

However, his new experiences, and many lies, threaten Gretchen’s big day.

Occasionally funny and periodically imprudent, The Wedding Ringer is a derivative wedding comedy that vacillates between off-kilter and offensive humour.

Besides, picking groomsmen would be a lot easy if your fiancée didn’t hate all your friends.  Yellow Light

Paddington

The upside to adopting an abandoned animal is they have more issues than you do.

Mind you, the patriarch in this family-comedy isn’t too keen on finding out what those issues are.

Unable to remain in the jungle where he was raised, a rare talking-bear (Ben Whishaw) makes his way to a London train station in hopes of being adopted by a family.

As it would happen, Henry (Hugh Bonneville), Mary (Sally Hawkins) and their children take in the well-mannered wild animal, despite Henry’s objections.

Christened Paddington, the accident-prone bruin attracts the attention of an obsessed taxidermist (Nicole Kidman) who wants to display his hide in the Natural History Museum.

With playful direction, remarkable character design and Booneville’s hilarious turn as the cantankerous dad, this live-action/animated adaption of the children’s books is surprisingly entertaining.

However, having a bear as a pet takes a lot of hard work and bear spray.  Green Light

***Helter Shelter Dog***

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Beethoven

If owning a dog is such a huge responsibility, why does every homeless person have one?

Thankfully, the tentative dog owners in this family-comedy are also homeowners.

Fleeing from two inept thieves (Oliver Platt, Stanley Tucci) during a pet store robbery, an ill-behaved St. Bernard sneaks into the Newton home, where everyone (Bonnie Hunt, Nicholle Tom, Christopher Castile, Sarah Rose Karr) except the grouchy patriarch, George (Charles Grodin), welcomes him.

Christensen Beethoven, the accident-prone puppy helps the Newton kids with their adolescent issues while aggravating George with excessive drool and damage to his property.

Meanwhile, an unethical vet (Dean Jones) schemes to dognap Beethoven for one of his twisted experiments.

Despite a derivative script by John Hughes, Beethoven still manages to be an enjoyable but flawed feature, saved only by Grodin and the dog’s interactions.

Plus, drivers are less likely to run you over if you’re walking with a dog.

He’s a Faith Heeler. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Abstract Paint-baller. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 17, 2015

Art is in the eye of the money beholder. First up…

 

Big Eyes

The most prolific painter in the history of painting is Benjamin Moore.

Mind you, the critics in this dramedy wouldn’t consider a fresh coat high art.

In 1958, Margaret Keane (Amy Adams) divorces her husband and moves to San Francesco with her daughter to pursue her artistic aspirations.

It’s not until she meets Walter (Christoph Waltz) do her portraits of big-eyed children begin to sell – albeit under his name.

As he becomes prominent, his now-wife cranks out more kitsch art for him to take the credit for.

Even when she reveals the truth, Margaret must still prove she’s behind the brush-strokes in court.

As much a commentary on female repression as it is art, director Tim Burton blends the subjects seamlessly with his eye for the era and his brilliant leads who bring this true Svengali story to life.

Incidentally, the real artist behind Andy Warhol was a soup company executive.  Green Light

God Help The Girl

The unique thing about all-female pop groups is once a month they transform into aggressive punk bands.

Fortunately, the group in this musical has a male member to balance the hormones.

With aspirations of becoming a musician, Eve (Emily Browning) escapes the hospital where she is being treated for anorexia and heads to Glasgow.

At a show she encounters a guitar player, James (Olly Alexander), with equal aspirations.

With James’ guitar student Cassie (Hannah Murray) rounding out the band, the trio start writing songs for an upcoming show.

But Eve’s desire to get a proper education threatens to end the band before it begins.

Conceived by Belle and Sebastian front man Stuart Murdoch, God Help the Girl drips with the indie band’s lovelorn melodies and hipster aesthetic; however, what it lacks is a compelling story that addresses Eve’s eating disorder.

Besides, bands are more successful when assembled by record company executives.  Yellow Light

***Ebony & Ivory Tower***

 

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The World of Henry Orient 

The key to being a successful groupie is being a woman.

And while the fans in this comedy are females, they’re drastically underage.

Obsessed with concert pianist Henry Orient (Peter Sellers), school girls Val (Tippy Walker) and Gil (Merrie Spaeth) secretly follow him around Manhattan, taking notes on his affair with a married woman, and concocting fantasies about their lives with him.

When Val’s mother (Angela Lansbury) stumbles on the girls’ journal, she accuses Orient of seducing her daughter, only to end up having an affair with him at the expense of her marriage to Val’s workaholic father (Tom Bosley).

A perfect portrayal of precocious teenage girls, their odd fashion choices, and their naïve views on love, The World of Henry Orient deals with mature matters of the heart with caprice and candor.

Besides, the best way to get close to a concert pianist is to impersonate a piano bench.

He’s an Ex-Concerto. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Astral Projectionist. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 10, 2015

Spirits should be sipped, not seen. First up…

 

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The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death

The best thing about dating a widow is that closet full of men’s shoes and clothing she has.

Mind you, it’s not a husband the woman in this horror movie is mourning – it’s a child.

Forced to evacuate during the Blitzkrieg, boarding school headmistress Helen (Jean Hogg) and her deputy Eve (Phoebe Fox) escort their students to Eel Marsh House in the serene English countryside.

Once there, Eve encounters the apparition of a woman in black who torments her dreams, and lures her young pupils to their deaths.

Aided by knowledge of the woman’s past, and a stationed soldier (Jeremy Irvine), Eve attempts to end the phantoms reign over the manor and the surrounding town.

While the setting is certainly spooky, this sequel to the surprising original never rises above hackneyed jolts and cheap special effects to bring its second-rate script to life.

Incidentally, English ghosts cease all hauntings during teatime. Red Light

 

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A Most Violent Year

The yearly rate of violence in a city depends on whether or not its sports team wins the championship.

However, the brutality in this drama is unrelated to playoff riots.

At the onset of the 1980s, Standard Oil owner Abel (Oscar Isaac) experiences an inordinate amount of truck hijackings.

At the behest of his wife (Jessica Chastain) he arms his drivers, but the violence only escalates.

While trying to figure out who’s behind the thefts, Abel is also brokering a land deal that would see him monopolize the oil import market in New York.

But with his funds depleting fast, Abel is forced to borrow from unsavoury characters.

Despite a promising script and powerful performances, this quasi crime-thriller is sluggish from start to finish with very little violence or payoff at the end.

Besides, why steal from oil companies when you could just buy a dinosaur and make your own?  Yellow Light

 

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The Babadook

The upside to your parent being possessed by a demon is they don’t mind you listening to Heavy Metal music.

However, the inhabited mother in this horror movie is more interested in listening to her child scream.

When children’s book character The Babadook begins haunting Sam (Noah Wiseman) his widowed mother, Amelia (Essie Davis), is hard-pressed to believe him.

It’s not until she disposes of the pop-up book and it returns, does she finally believe in the Babadook’s existence; however, she’s already possessed by the dark entity.

Meanwhile, Sam assembles an array of booby-traps around their house to capture his mother and free her from the Babadook’s clutches.

Light on gore and actual imagines of the monster, this Australian import relies on shadows, creative camera work and a subversive story to send shivers up your spine.

Mind you, it would’ve been funnier if she were possessed by one of the Berenstain Bears.  Green Light

***Bad Manors***

 

The Others

The main difference between British and American ghosts is that the English ones say Boo with the letter U.

But no matter how you pronounce the exclamation in this horror movie, the end result is the same.

In the wake of WWII, new servants (Fionnula Flanagan, Eric Sykes, Elaine Cassidy) are hired on at the country estate of Grace Stewart (Nicole Kidman) to mind after her light-sensitive children (Alakina Mann, James Bentley).

It’s not long before the staff learns of their mistresses’ mysterious migraines and her children’s belief in spirits.

Not until a clairvoyant comes to the manor is the truth behind the hauntings revealed.

Suffused in candlelight and foreboding atmosphere, The Others is a true gothic horror with a wholly original script and a twist ending that’ll shock and depress.

Parenthetically, the best way to get rid of ethereal English occupiers is with the ghosts of deceased IRA members.

He Keeps a Stiff Upper Lisp. He’s the…

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