Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Bee’s Wax Museum. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of September 15, 2017

Gift shops would be more successful without museums. First up…

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The Mummy

Instead of wasting money on gauze, why don’t Mummies just wear full-body casts? 

Luckily, this action-horror movie reminds us that the undead aren’t that smart.

An ancient Egyptian princess (Sofia Boutella) renowned for murdering her family is resurrected in modern day England and tasked with finding a human host for the jackal headed god Set to possess. 

She selects a soldier (Tom Cruise) to become her master’s vessel. However, a clandestine monster-hunting society headed by Dr. Jekyll (Russell Crowe) has other plans for the princess and her god of destruction.

The latest reboot of the desert monarch that serves as the cornerstone for Universal’s shared Dark Universe, this muddled revival of the 1932 monster flirts with a few interesting ideas but ultimately unravels under the weight of its own exposition, franchise staging and bad CGI.

Incidentally, being possessed by a god means you can never call into work sick ever.  Red Light

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It Comes at Night  

The scariest thing about an infectious outbreak is being quarantined with your family.

Fortunately, the isolated brood in this psychological-horror has just received some unrelated visitors.

Held up in the backwoods since a contagion wiped out the cities, Paul (Joel Edgerton) has successfully protected his wife (Carmen Ejogo) and teenage son (Kelvin Harrison Jr.) from infection. He lets his guard down, however, when a young couple (Christopher Abbott, Riley Keough) with a child and livestock comes knocking on their door.

But when Paul starts to suspect that one of their guests may be infected both families turn on each other.

Using close quartered confinement to drive home the paranoia, this atmospheric indy does the classic horror setting an injustice by not delivering the goods. The threat is weak, the tension is tepid, and the scares non-existent.

Moreover, if you don’t want houseguests during an outbreak just say you have bedbugs.  Red Light

 

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Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie

A super-hero who only wears underpants must be amazing at taking final exams.

Surprisingly, the semi-nude saviour in this animated-comedy isn’t part of a recurring nightmare.

Created by George (Kevin Hart) and Harold (Thomas Middleditch) to save the citizens of their homemade comic book while only wearing a cape and his underwear, Captain Underpants finds his secret identity in the boys’ real-life principal Krupp (Ed Helms).

Hypnotized by the fourth-graders to believe that he is their prized protector, Krupp wavers between being the heroic captain and a maniacal administrator hell-bent on separating the best friends.

While it gets points for its various animation techniques, stellar voice-work and for embodying the silly spirit of the long-running children’s book series that it’s based on, unfortunately that same juvenile essence becomes childish very quickly, while the endless pop song montages simply nauseate.

Also, if Captain Underpants doesn’t wipe properly he can easily become Captain Skidmarks.  Yellow Light

***The Last Men, Woman and Child on Earth***

 

Five

The upside to atomic war is finding out if your homemade Hazmat suit works.

The folks in this post-apocalyptic drama, however, think it best to avoid ground zone.

Wandering the radioactive hillsides looking for her husband in the wake of an atomic bomb that wiped out humanity, the pregnant Roseanne (Susan Douglas Rubes) stumbles upon Michael (William Phipps).

Other survivors eventually join the couple on the outskirts: an elderly banker (Earl Lee), his African-American aid (Charles Lampkin) and a racist (James Anderson).

As tensions mount between the males, Roseanne sneaks away to the city to continue searching for her newborn’s father.

A somber yet realistic take on atomic fallout and the struggle that follows, writer, director, producer Arch Oboler brings his radio drama sensibilities to the silver screen resulting in this effective meditation on the human condition.

Incidentally, in a post-apocalyptic world store mannequins are your best hope for reproduction. 

He’s Pre-Apocalyptic. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Hysterically Inaccurate. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 3, 2016

History is always written by those who can write. First up….

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

If zombies had existed in Victoria times the wealthy would’ve just thought them ugly peasants.

Mind you, the affluent in this action-horror movie are fully aware of their flesh-eating epidemic.

In the wake of a zombie outbreak, 19th century England’s most opulent families are required to send their offspring away to be trained in marital arts. This was the case with Elizabeth Bennet (Lily James) and her sisters (Bella Heathcote, Suki Waterhouse, Ellie Bamber, Millie Brady).

The undead, however, are not Elizabeth’s only adversary as she has found an infuriating rival in zombie-hunter Colonel Darcy (Sam Riley).

Not as over-the-top as one would expect a pairing of Jane Austin and the living dead to be, P+P+Z is also not as insipid either. Oddly enough, it’s the public domain portion of this parody that’s more pleasurable than the zombie killing parts.

Furthermore, zombies aren’t that scary when they’re wearing powdered wigs.  Yellow Light

 

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Gods of Egypt

The upside to a bird-headed god is they’re easily appeased with a bucket of mice guts.

Mind you, the falcon-faced deity in this action-fantasy movie would rather devour his nemesis.

When the immortal Set (Gerard Butler) assassinates Osiris (Bryan Brown), the King of Egypt, and declares a new tax on all souls passing over into the afterlife, the avian lord Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) partners with a street urchin, Bek (Brenton Thwaites), who has intimate knowledge of his enemy’s booby-trapped compound.

But, in exchange, for helping him, Bek needs Horus’ aid in retrieving his love (Courtney Eaton) from the afterworld. 

Inlaid with overblown special effects and abysmal performances from a fair-skinned cast, this whitewashed construct of an alternative Egypt is grossly inaccurate, insulting and inane all at the same time.

Furthermore, with all of their internal organs removed, Egyptians had plenty of room to store spare change for any afterlife tolls.  Red Light

***Mummy Dearest***

 

The Mummy

An easy Halloween costume for a Mummy is to go as the Invisible Man – and vise versa.

However, the resurrected priest in this action-horror movie probably doesn’t own a trench coat and fedora.

While on an expedition with her brother (John Hannah) and a cocksure adventurer (Brendan Fraser), librarian Evie (Rachel Weisz) uses the Book of the Dead to awaken the imprisoned soul of Imhotep (Arnold Vosloo), a treacherous Egyptian holy man who assassinated the Pharaoh so he could covet his mistress.

Now Imhotep wants to use Evie as the avatar for his lost lover’s damned soul.

While it does deviate greatly from the black and white Boris Karloff incarnations from the 1930s in terms of blazing gunfights and unforgettable special effects, this rollicking and eye-popping 1999 reimagining still manages to retain the overarching original message of love eternal.

Incidentally, Egyptian afterlife bares a striking resemblance to the British Museum.

 He’s the eBook of the Dead. He’s the…

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