The Vidiot's Rear-end Reviews
2010
The Worst in Horror
The Fourth Kind
If alien life forms are really that interested in knowing more intimate details about the human species, they should just follow our Twitter feeds. Unfortunately, it appears as though the aliens in this thriller aren’t as engrossed in cyber-voyeurism as we are.
When her husband mysteriously dies, psychologist Dr. Abbey Tyler (Milla Jovovich) travels to Alaska to continue his research, which involves interviewing people who’ve been traumatized by alien entities. Using hypnosis, Dr. Tyler delves into her patients’ unconscious minds, which ultimately causes them to commit suicide.
Inter-spliced with fake footage of Dr. Tyler’s sessions, The Fourth Kind then inserts the phony footage into a split-screen to contrast the Hollywood reenactment, creating a confusing cinematic experience and wielding negative results.
Besides, if aliens want to snatch people during the night, so be it, so long as they return them in the morning with their DNA unscrambled and their anuses airtight.
The Worst in Romance
Nine
Being a film director is a very arduous job, so it’s no wonder that most choose to save time by making re-makes. However, the visionary view-master in this romantic musical forgoes that status quo, constructing his own vehicle instead...which he has yet to conceive.
With filming on his latest project set to begin, Italian director Guido (Daniel Day-Lewis) slips into a mid-life crisis. Uninspired, he heads to a resort where he mulls over his current loves: his wife (Marion Cotilard); his mistress (Penélope Cruz); his muse (Nicole Kidman); and a journalist (Kate Hudson), all of whom sing a little ditty about Guido.
Based on a stage play inspired by the film 8 1/2, Nine is a shoddy substitute for Federico Fellini’s atypical autobiography: the story is fractured, the songs are forgettable and the filmmaking is flawed.
Besides, everyone knows uninspired directors get their next muse from that other source of imaginative wealth…books.
The Worst in Action
Clash of the Titans
Thanks to the renewed interest in mythology, those of us who’ve remained loyal to the Greek gods won’t look so crazy now sacrificing live oxen on our front lawns.
And while a blood offering is not a prerequisite to perusing this perilous parable, it does pertain to one.
Showing resentment towards the gods, the City of Argos attracts the ire of Zeus (Liam Neeson), Poseidon (Danny Huston) and Hades (Ralph Fiennes).
To teach the mortals a lesson, Hades informs the King of Argos that his daughter Andromeda will be sacrificed to the Kraken in 10 days.
Desperate to save her, the King recruits an imprisoned demigod Perseus (Sam Worthington) to seek the counsel of the Stygian Witches.
Informed by the hags that the only way to kill the Kraken is with the head of the Gorgon, the unproven protagonist must put his wits to the test.
A remake of the 1981 classic, this unwarranted overhaul fails to live up to its predecessor thanks to a wooden lead, clumsy creature designs and a schizophrenic script that’s either too graphic or too goofy.
Furthermore, with Zeus’ history of seducing unsuspecting women, female viewers should probably take a pregnancy test after watching this.
The Worst in Mystery
Whiteout
Finally, they’ve made a movie about correction fluid, which I really hope is shown in smell-o-vision.
Wait a minute. Apparently this isn’t a movie about the cream coloured office supply that allows you to readjust the dollar amount on your paycheck, but a murder-mystery set against the stark backdrop of Antarctica.
With winter setting in, U.S. Marshall Stetko (Kate Beckinsale) must solve Antarctica’s first murder before the evidence is lost in the approaching snowstorm. While investigating, Stetko finds herself embroiled in a much larger conspiracy, which makes her the prime target of the mysterious killer.
Based on a graphic novel, Whiteout’s cinematic equivalent delivers slipshod suspense and amateurish performances. As for the murderer, they’re identity is as apparent as yellow snow.
And, for the record, when killing in a cold climate, be sure to avoid licking the blood off of your knife; your tongue could freeze to the metal blade.
The Worst in Comedy
The Back-up Plan
Since they won’t care about its existence, teen dads would be the ideal choice for females desperate to conceive.
Nevertheless, the baby crazy, single lady in this rom-com is opting for artificial insemination in lieu of classic copulation.
Independent and unattached, Zoe (Jennifer Lopez) reaches the point where she must enact plan B, if she hopes to be a mother.
Auspiciously, she meets the perfect candidate, Stan (Alex O'Loughlin). Inauspiciously, she’s already been inseminated.
Stepping up to the challenge, Stan vows to raise the child as his own. But when he shows signs of unease, Zoe questions his commitment.
Though a paradigm of modern families, instead of birthing a comedic compendium for odd couples, The Back-up Plan’s parturition is nauseating, narcissistic and naïve: the leads are uneven and the plot is implausible.
I mean, come on, artificial insemination? What guy wants to raise a cyborg baby that’s not even his?
The Worst in Drama
Fame
Surprisingly, the condition known as “fame” is the top career choice amongst the talentless. Unfortunately, since apathy is the top trait amongst the public, their goal is attainable.
Thinking that they have what it takes to attend The High School of Performing Arts in New York, hopefuls strut their stuff for a panel of adjudicators (Debbie Allen and Kelsey Grammer) in order to gain admittance.
Once accepted, the new class (Kay Panabaker and Kherington Payne) learns to cope with the daily rigors of their schedule, which includes honing their skill, be it singing, dancing, or acting.
With nary a narrative to be found, this remake of the 1980 musical abstains from substance and character development, opting instead for numerous impromptu dance routines performed by clichéd high school archetypes.
What’s more, to be famous nowadays, all you need is a camcorder and a diploma from the School of Performing Oral Arts.
The Best In Horror
Splice
When splicing DNA from two different species it is important to remember to omit any “bad” genes, like obesity, poor eyesight, and watermelon seeds.
And while the genetic engineers in this sci-fi horror remembered to exclude those aforementioned heredities, they forgot to remove the “monster” genes.
Unwilling to rest on their laurels, successful splicers Clive (Adrien Brody) and Elsa (Sarah Polley) take their DNA tampering to the next level by creating a humanoid hybrid.
Keeping their creation concealed from their benefactors, the two raise the rapidly developing amalgam on their own.
But as their offspring evolves into a short-tempered teen with extraordinary attributes, the makeshift mom and dad are left impotent in their progeny’s wake.
A caustic commentary on modern science, Splice effortlessly seams two subversive genres together in a way that is both smart and scary.
Unfortunately, it won’t stop me from opening my designer baby kiosk in the mall.
The Best in Romance
Just Wright
Two fates await injured NBA players: the lucky ones join the Harlem Globetrotters; the unlucky ones go to the Nike factory, where they’re turned into sneakers.
The wounded baller in this rom-com, however, has the opportunity to return to the court; unfortunately it involves following the orders of a fanatical physical therapist.
When New York Nets player Scott McKnight (Common) is injured, he’s written off. Fortunately, his trophy wife Morgan hires Leslie Wright (Queen Latifah) to help with his recovery.
But when his return seems inaccessible, Morgan files for divorce.
Heartbroken, Scott turns to Leslie with whom he shares commonalities. But Leslie’s girth proves too much for the star player.
Adding an urban groove to the old book-judging adage, Just Wright manages to put a new spin on a tired cliché.
And while recouping from injury is a joyous occasion, having to give back your disabled parking permit is not.
The Best in Action
Kick-Ass
The reason why regular folks don’t take up the mantle of super-hero is because empathy is their Kryptonite. Also, the hours suck.
Luckily, the idealistic fan-boy in this bawdy comic book movie has the compassion, free time and health coverage needed to combat crime.
Tired of his mild-mannered existence, awkward teen Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) dons an emerald guise and patrols the streets as Kick-Ass.
Garnering celebrity due to a viral video depicting his brutal brand of justice, Kick-Ass soon attracts allies–Big Daddy (Nic Cage) and Hit Girl (Chloë Moretz)–and enemies–Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) and Frank D'Amico (Mark Strong).
Based on the comic book by Mark Millar and John Romita, Jr., Kick-Ass is a cocksure concoction of sardonic scenarios, brutal violence and offensive annotations all masterfully mixed together by director Matthew Vaughn.
Sadly, my own comic book alter ego would have to be the obsequious henchmen: Kiss-Ass.
The Best in Mystery
Inception
Being a dream thief sounds kind of cool, so long as you’re not robbing the wet ones.
Fortunately, the REM raiders in this mind-boggling movie don’t embezzle nocturnal emissions.
Experts at extracting ideas from sleeping subjects, Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Arthur (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) are hired by a businessman to implant an idea in the mind of his competitor’s son (Cillian Murphy).
To perform this act of “inception”, Cobb must expand his dream team to include an architect (Ellen Page), a shifter (Tom Hardy), and a sedative specialist (Dileep Rao).
Once in the target’s mind, the team delves through layers of his subconscious, only to be repeatedly sabotaged by the ghost of Cobb’s deceased wife (Marion Cotillard).
The most mold-breaking movie of the millennium, Inception is a smart, stylish, thriller that will leave you resonating with queries.
For example, why is someone telling you about their dream always so boring?
The Best in Comedy
Youth in Revolt
If today’s youth ever revolts, who will update the Twitter accounts? Who will pick the Teen Choice Award winners? Who will expect top dollar for little or no work ethic?
Thankfully, years of indolence have made it impossible for young folks to care about anything other than their own narrow worlds, which includes their raging hormones.
When 16-year-old introvert Nick (Michael Cera) spends the weekend with his father (Steve Buscemi) in a trailer park, he meets the extroverted Sheeni (Portia Doubleday), who temps the unsullied and inexperienced Nick to no end. Desperate to be with her, Nick creates a sexually experienced persona, Francois, to help him seal the deal with Sheeni. But when his mother (Jean Smart), her boyfriend (Zach Galifianakis), and Sheeni’s on-again off-again boyfriend threaten his romantic plans, Nick must evoke the badass Francois on a more permanent basis.
A wry and witty coming of age tale, Youth in Revolt is surprisingly entertaining: Cera shows he has some acting depth, while the music cues and comedic bits are innovative and inspired.
And while teenage boys rarely create alter egos in order to bed females, there are probably tons of guys who do so after a positive pregnancy test.
The Best in Drama
An Education
Due to high tuition fees, getting an education these days may cost an arm and leg, but in the end it will outfit you with the proper skills needed to fill out unemployment forms.
And while the English bird in this dramedy has yet to even graduate high school, she has already learnt a lot about life, love and criminal activity.
While on her way home from school, 16-year-old Jenny (Carey Mulligan) is offered a ride home from David (Peter Sarsgaard), a worldly suitor nearly twice her senior. Enchanted by his sophistication, Jenny’s parents (Alfred Molina and Cara Seymour) bend to David’s will, which includes escorting their underage daughter to Paris. But when Jenny learns of how David and his mates afford such a lavish lifestyle, she must decide between what is right and what is wrong, even though one allows her unprecedented freedom.
Based on a memoir, An Education is a charming, and alarming, coming-of-age tale which is draped in 1960s couture and saturated in first-rate performances.
As for receiving an education at the hands of an older gentleman, for the sake of your transcripts, make sure he grades your oral performance before he goes into cardiac arrest.
He's a New Year Old. He's the...
Vidiot
