Be Kind, Please Rewind

He is Cryptonite. He’s the...

Vidiot

Week of November 9, 2018

Hipster Clark Kent has a Superman bun. First up...

Incredibles 2

The downside to being in a super-powered family is that your siblings will always reveal your secret identity to your arch-rival.

Unfortunately, when the alias of the heroine in this animated-adventure is exposed, it threatens everyone.

When Violet’s (Sarah Vowell) alter ego is revealed she withdraws from the spotlight. Meanwhile, her mother, Elastigirl (Holly Hunter), has ventured out on her own to prove to the public that superheroes are beneficial. On the home front, Mr. Incredible (Craig T. Nelson) has become the main caregiver to the rest of his powerful brood.

Picking up right where the original left off 14-years ago, this overdue sequel fails to succeed, or even match, its predecessor. Lacking sufficient laughs and worthwhile action, the script to this follow up suffers from serious lulls, recycled plot points and a lackluster villain.

Besides, the point to having super-powers is so you can fly away from your family.  Red Light

Christopher Robin

The most important lesson Winnie the Pooh can teach children is how to spot depression in donkeys.

Thankfully, this fantasy about Pooh manages to keep sharp objects away from Eeyore.

Years after he left his stuffed animal friends behind to attend boarding school, Christopher Robin (Ewan McGregor) is now a businessman struggling to keep his job and his family from falling apart. However, one day while his wife (Hayley Atwell) and children are in the country, Christopher is visited by his old plush bear Winnie the Pooh, who wants to reinstall Christopher with the joy and optimism missing from his adult life.

While the lifelike menagerie is a sight to behold and the narrative of rediscovering your childhood is serviceable, the nostalgia angle has been done to death in a number of superior family films. 

Incidentally, you can convert any child’s toy into an adult toy by simply adding handcuffs.  Yellow Light

BlacKkKlansman

One telltale sign African-Americans have secretly invaded the KKK is if members take a knee during the Confederate National Anthem.

Fortunately, the black Klansman in this dramedy is only orally affiliated with the hate group.

Ron Stallworth (John David Washington) makes a name for himself as Colorado’s first black police officer by answering a Ku Klux Klan membership ad. Pretending to be white while speaking with David Duke (Topher Grace), Stallworth infiltrates the organization. But when the Klan asks to meet in-person, Stallworth has a white officer (Adam Driver) impersonate him.

Inspired by Stallworth’s book, director Spike Lee takes a number of liberties with the source material in order to make the story timely and more impactful. While the levity of the script is startling, the performances are first-rate.

Conversely, you can tell the Black Panther Party has been infiltrated by whites when mayonnaise appears on the condiment table.  Yellow Light

***Race Warrior***

The Black Klansman

The easiest way to gain acceptance into the Ku Klux Klan is to show up wearing a MAGA hat.

Unfortunately, this drama takes place decades before those symbols of hate were manufactured.

In retaliation for a black man sitting at a lunch counter in Alabama, the KKK bombs a black church. Among those killed in the terrorist act is the daughter of Jerry (Richard Gilden), an LA jazz musician, who subsequently gets revenge against the hate group by becoming a member, and tearing it apart from the inside.

One of the few movies to confront racism in America at the time, this low-budget feature from 1966 was directed by schlock horror movie-maker Ted V. Mikels, who avoids blaxploitation clichés to deliver a powerful, albeit problematic production - namely the white actor portraying Jerry.

Incidentally, the first sign that Jerry is a white guy comes when he tries to play jazz.

He’s a Hepcat Nap. He’s the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a Hidden Cameraman. He's the...

 Vidiot

Week of November 2, 2018

Hidden cameras bring out the hypocrisy in us all. First up...

The Spy Who Dumped Me

The easiest way to tell you’re dating a spy is if they interrogate you during sex.

Sadly, the dumpee in this action-comedy won’t have a light shone in her face any longer.

Dumped by her globetrotting boyfriend (Justin Theroux), Audrey (Mila Kunis) and her friend (Kate McKinnon) go to his house to trash it but are interrupted by armed man. Now aware that he’s a spy - and in possession of a desirable flash-drive - the women fly to Europe to return the Intel. But when he goes missing the friends must then trust is his CIA partner (Sam Heughan).

Featuring some of the worst jokes ever written, yet riddled with some brilliant bursts of rapid-fire violence, this buddy-comedy is quiet the dichotomy. Nevertheless this contrast is too distracting and both leads are annoying.

Besides, who wouldn’t date a spy? You get to taste all of their meals for poison.  Red Light

The Darkest Minds

Teenagers already wield the greatest superpower around: they cannot be tried as adults.

However, the special abilities the teens in this sci-fi movie have don’t vanish at eighteen.

When a disease wipes out most of the world’s underage population, it leaves the survivors with strange new talents that the government colour code per individual powers. But when Ruby (Amandla Stenberg) registers as an orange, her power to possess minds makes her highly sought-after by a subversive group leader (Mandy Moore). Luckily Ruby has friends to help make the right choice.

Boasting clichéd superpowers, pointless musical montages and a love triangle that dominates the majority of the story, this adaptation of the similarly named YA novel is the last vestige of the dystopian teen genre. Unfortunately, it does little to reignite any interest in the tired concept.

Incidentally, the easiest way to defeat any super-powered teenager is by giving them mono.  Red Light

***Super Manniversary***

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

The problem with dating a superhero is that they always have to ‘save the world’ right before the check arrives.

Being stiffed with the bill however is just another reason why the civilian in this comedy dumped his super-girlfriend.

When Matt (Luke Wilson) apprehends her mugger, Jenny (Uma Thurman) agrees to go out with him. However, her mild-mannered nature is a ruse to cover-up for the fact that she is really the confident superhero: G-Girl. Turned off by her controlling temperament, Matt dumps Jenny, who then uses her extraordinary abilities to humiliate him and his new girlfriend (Anna Faris).

While the premise is primed for riffing, this Ivan Reitmen directed satire is unable to deliver laughs at lightning speed. Instead the lazy script suffers from cheap, sexist jokes that make the female antagonist appear desperate and unhinged. 

Incidentally, most super-human relationships fail because someone had sex with the other’s teenage sidekick.

He's Super-Power Tripping. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Out of Shape-Shifter. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 26, 2018

What happens when a fruit bat bites you? First up…

Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again

There’s something about wedding receptions that makes every guy think he can breakdance. This musical demonstrates that they cause men to belt out ballads as well.

While Sophie (Amanda Seyfried) struggles to scribe a eulogy for her mother, Donna (Meryl Streep), to recite at the grand re-opening of her hotel, the 1979 version of Donna (Lily James) graduates and spends the summer with three different suitors.     

Back in 2018 Sophie’s fathers (Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, Stellan Skarsgård) and her grandmother (Cher) show up to celebrate Donna’s life through ABBA songs.

Featuring the Swedish bands lesser-known hits, this time-travelling sequel to the 2008 adaptation of the Broadway musical is saved from the monotony of the present-day storyline by the 1970s cast, who freshen up the musty material. Nevertheless the male vocals remain an issue.

Incidentally, the worst thing about meeting the younger you is now you’re too fat to share any clothes.  Yellow Light

Sorry to Bother You

Telemarketers call during dinner because most people eat alone and enjoy the company.

However, there is something more nefarious behind the interruptive calls in this comedy. 

When Cash (Lakeith Stanfield) lands a telemarketing job he struggles to get past ‘hello’ until Langston (Danny Glover) advises him to use his white-person voice (David Cross) when calling.

Soon Cash is closing deals, impressing his performance artist girlfriend (Tessa Thompson), and attracting the attention of the company CEO (Armie Hammer), who wants him to head up a new department. But the success comes at a cost when Cash learns what his employer actually sells.

A surreal and sublime satire of the current social state, this bizarre dark comedy from writer, director Boots Riley leads an all-out assault on American institutions, like, capitalism, slavery and reality TV with acerbic wit and imaginative shots.

Interestingly, when white people use their black-person voice they win Grammys.  Green Light

***Catch of the Day***

The Lure

The reason everyone wants to be a mermaid is so they can make and sell their own caviar.

However, the sirens in this musical are more interested in making music than making roe.

Sisters from the sea, Golden (Michalina Olszańska) and Silver (Marta Mazurek), surface one night when they hear a band playing. Eventually the half-human, half-fish females become the band’s vocalists.

But where Golden wants to dine on their audience and swim to America, Silver wants to get her tail removed so she can marry the bass player. Neither plan comes to fruition.

While the idea of a horror musical starring sirens is intriguing and the cinematography and songs are certainly enjoyable, this Polish reinterpretation of The Little Mermaid is all over the map with strong subplots that don’t amount to much.  

Sadly, once singing mermaids lose their fins crowds go back to chanting ‘show us your tits’.

He’s Sea Foaming at the Mouth. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Civil Warlock. He’s the...

Vidiot

Week of October 19, 2018

I only hand-out Tide Pods for Halloween. First up...

  

Ant-Man and the Wasp

The easiest way to distract someone with the powers of a wasp is to spill a can of Coke.

Mind you, the insects in this sci-fi movie are too determined to be diverted by refined sugar.

On house arrest since he violated the Sokovia Accords, Scott (Paul Rudd) has been busying reconnecting with his daughter and starting a company with his friends (Michael Peña, T.I.). But when he receives a message from the quantum realm he must illegally suit up as Ant-Man and help Pym (Michael Douglas) and his daughter (Evangeline Lilly) locate their missing wife/mother.

In the same jovial vein as the original, this side-splitting sequel also adds a new dimension to the fold with Lilly’s Wasp, who not only makes an excellent foil to Ant-Man but she also amps up the action scenes.

And while Bee Woman was the first choice, she died after firing her first stinger.  Green Light

Slender Man 

The biggest problem with Internet urban legends is that the supernatural entities are always so judgy and mean-spirited.

Luckily, the meme monster in this horror movie doesn’t have very much to say on any topic.

When their friend (Annalise Basso) disappears, three teens (Joey King, Jaz Sinclair, Julia Goldani Telles) contact the fabled Slender Man, a featureless figure who haunts the web, for help in finding her. But during their meeting the girls make eye-contact with the gaunt giant and are cursed with madness. The only way to stop him now is to give him want he desires.

Inspired by the real-life legend that has claimed some real victims, this fictional account ignores reality opting for a more Bloody Mary vibe. Unfortunately, the scares are cheap, the acting amateurish and the overall execution is ham-fisted.

Besides, just like every scam on the Internet, Slender Man is really a Russian hacker.  Red Light

***Super Farsighted***

X: The Man with the X-ray Eyes

The downside to x-ray vision is that you have to match your wardrobe with a lead apron.

Surprisingly, the enhanced human in this sci-fi horror movie is going without any radiation shield.

After developing an eye-drop that allows users to see unseen spectrums, Dr. Xavier (Ray Milland) decides to test them on himself. While he is initially able to see through clothing and flesh, subsequent doses alter his eyes completely. On the lam he uses his gifts in a sideshow and in Vegas to make money. Eventually his vision becomes so powerful Dr. X can see through the universe.

A simplistic story with impressive special-effects and some inventive camerawork from director Roger Corman, this B-movie from 1963 solidified its cult status by having one of the most shocking, unnerving endings in cinematic history.

Lastly, if you have x-ray eyes and a bad attitude you can always work for airport security.

He’s the Man with the X-Rated Eyes. He’s the...

 Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s the Phantom of the Operetta. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 12, 2018

Dead scalpers haunt stadiums and arenas. First up…

Skyscraper

  

The worst thing about working in the world’s tallest building are the nosebleeds that last 8-hours.

Ironically, the hero in this action movie is bleeding from everywhere other than his nose.

Working security since losing his legs in a bombing, former FBI agent Will (Dwayne Johnson) applies his tactical knowledge to accessing the safety of a 225 stories tall building. But when a blaze erupts Will’s blamed and hunted by police. Inside the towering inferno terrorists are holding Will’s wife (Nev Campbell) hostage until he hands over a hard drive containing incriminating evidence.

  

A blatant rip-off of superior hostage/disaster movies before it, this green screen laden imitator is incapable of contributing anything new to either genre. And while having an amputee protagonist is admirable, using their disability as a gimmick or a punch line is not.

Worse, when the elevators breakdown workers inside have to descend the world’s tallest staircase.  Red Light

  

Unfriended: Dark Web

The dark web is just another feature for your Internet provider to exploit monetarily.

Fortunately, the users in this thriller don’t need a bundle deal to surf the dark net.

  

After accessing a computer he found at work to Skype with his friend, Matias (Colin Woodell) receives a message from someone concerning a disturbing video. He later learns the previous owner of the laptop was not only in to some nefarious online activities, but is also watching his every move. Now the mysterious owner is offing Matias’ friends in an attempt to get their property back.

Told entirely through laptop and cellphone cameras this stand-alone sequel is a slight step-up from its predecessor thanks to its topical storyline. Unfortunately, it squanders the secrets of the dark web by focusing on toothless jump scares instead.   

And the moral of the story is to never use a found laptop, just pawn it.  Yellow Light

Eighth Grade

Eighth grade is that time in a young person’s life when they start experimenting with drugs that aren’t prescribed for their ADHD.  

Mind you, the only high the teenager in this dramedy is looking for is the rush of getting Istagram likes.

Soft-spoken Kayla (Elsie Fisher) hopes her Youtube tutorials on self-confidence will garner a following beyond her single-father (Josh Hamilton). But as the end of the school year approaches Kayla’s popularity on and offline is at an all time low. Excited about high school, she starts hanging out with older kids and experimenting with sex, all in an effort to breakout of her introverted shell.

The most authentic depiction of the tribulations facing today’s iGen to date, this awkwardly hilarious and aptly directed coming-of-age tale perfectly captures adolescent dialogue, while newcomer Fisher brings empathy to her generation’s anxieties.

Unfortunately for today’s connected youths, it’s impossible to ever skip class. Green Light

***Cutting Class***

Scream

It was hard making threatening phone calls in the 1990s because you had to know when your mark was going to be home to answer.   

  

That’s the reason why the killer in this horror movie lurks outside their victim’s house. 

On the anniversary of her mother’s murder at the hands of Cotton (Liev Schreiber), high school senior Sidney (Neve Campbell) receives a call from a stranger taunting her loss. Shortly thereafter a knife-wielding maniac in a mask invades her home. As bodies pile up, Sidney suspects Cotton may be innocent. So who’s the real killer?

Inspired by actual events with a healthy does of humour added, this homage to slasher movies from Wes Craven is also a critique of the genre that riffs on conventions and created an iconic killer who still haunts us.

Furthermore, threatening phone calls in the 1990s helped prepare humanity for the Internet trolls of the 2010s.  

He has a Lady-Killer Instinct. He’s the…

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