Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Slapstick Handler. He’s the…

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Week of January 12, 2018

Physical comedy is only funny when the concussions are real. First up…

It

The public is afraid of clowns because they don’t want to have to eat a Big Mac.

Thankfully, the mischief-maker in this horror movie is not a corporate mascot.

The summer after his brother vanished down a storm drain, Bill (Jaeden Lieberher) and his friends (Finn Wolfhard, Wyatt Oleff, Jack Dylan Grazer) head out in search of the body. Along the way they recruit more members (Sophia Lillis, Jeremy Ray Taylor, Chosen Jacobs) with knowledge of the town’s missing child epidemic.

The gang eventually links the disappearances to a demonic clown (Bill Skarsgård) living in the sewer system.

The first feature film adaptation of Stephen King’s infamous jester Pennywise, newcomer Skarsgård nails the creepy clown, making the scary moments even more so. Condensed compared to the 1990 miniseries, this streamlined version is a flawless fright-fest. 

Incidentally, the only one powerful enough to defeat an evil clown is a kid’s party magician.  Green Light

Bright

If magic were real than sawing someone in half would not end in a jail sentence.

Fortunately, the alternate earth in this action-fantasy has seen a recent increase in enchantment.

In a world where Tolkien-type creatures live in harmony alongside humanity, LAPD officer Ward (Will Smith) and his Orkish partner Jakoby (Joel Edgerton) are tasked with maintaining that delicate balance. But an elf (Lucy Fry) with a magic wand being sought by a dark elf (Noomi Rapace) - intent on reviving the Dark Lord - threatens that harmony.

Now, the odd couple must protect the girl and the wish-granting wand whilst battling their own demons.

A paint-by-numbers buddy-picture, Netflix’s first foray into blockbuster territory is a tepid one. While the concept is serviceable, the racial comparisons are bordering on offensive. Moreover, the action, dialogue and character designs are all questionable.

Worse, the Orc’s rap album sold more than Will Smith’s last one.  Red Light      

***Wand Robbery***

  

Witch Hunt

In a world where magic is real puffy shirts and sequin pants are acceptable apparel.

Nevertheless, the 1950s detective in this fantasy-thriller plays to stereotype.

Set in an alternate reality where magic is an every day occurrence and horror movie monsters walk among us, an overzealous senator (Eric Bogosian) holds McCarthyesque trials on magic use in Hollywood.

While working on a case for the wife (Penelope Ann Miller) of a murdered movie mogul, magic abstaining private investigator Lovecraft (Denis Hopper) becomes embroiled in the senator’s witch hunts when he employs a seerer for the case who is later sentenced to death by the commission.   

Hardboiled scribe Paul Schrader’s follow-up to HBO’s Cast a Deadly Spell, this red scare allegory is a worthy successor to the 1991 made for cable movie, despite its recasting and altering of the main character’s retcon.

However, any attempt to use magic in the real world would be halted by J.K. Rowling’s lawyers.

He’s a Scry Baby. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a First–Class Clown. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 5, 2018

No frills airline means attendants don’t pretend to like you. First up…

American Made

With all of the extra luggage fees these days, it’s cheaper to just fly as a nudist.

Fortunately, the amoral flyboy in this dramedy has no qualms with transporting questionable cargo.

Recruited by the CIA (Domhnall Gleeson) in the seventies to fly reconnaissance over Nicaragua, cocky commercial airline pilot Barry Seal (Tom Cruise) soon leverages that relationship into smuggling cocaine for General Noriega.

Overtime, the CIA asks Barry to start delivering firearms to the contras for Uncle Sam. Later, he’s tasked with flying those same guerillas into the US for military training to help them oust their country’s socialist government.

A darkly comedic adaptation of the actual underhanded events that transpired during America’s anticommunist efforts to destabilize Central America, Cruise’s charm, director Doug Liman’s stylish direction and the unbelievable script help deliver this enjoyable freight intact.

Moreover, the best method for smuggling in drugs is inside of a detection dog.  Green Light

The Battle of the Sexes

The most sexist thing about sport is that female athletes pay double what men pay for steroids.

Back in the seventies, however, the sport in this dramedy capitalized off that inequality.

To prove superiority over women, and feed his gambling addiction, former #1 Bobby Riggs (Steve Carell) comes out of retirement to challenge current top-female tennis player Billie Jean King (Emma Stone) to a bout.

While initially refusing, the closeted King eventually agrees to face the chauvinist on the court. In the process, however, the marriages of both players disintegrate.

With a comedic supporting cast on hand to facilitate its talented leads, this true story provides the backstory of the oddball pair that has always been missing from the much-ballyhooed match. Moreover, its socially conscience subject matter mirrors our current climate of social change.    

Lastly, men and women can be equal in sport so long as men don’t wear cups.  Green Light

***Tennis Courting*** 

Wimbledon

  

The problem with dating a tennis player is that the subject of LOVE always comes up.

Mind you, the competitive couple in this rom-com uses the term of affection both on and off the court.

A British tennis player, Peter (Paul Bettany), nearing the end of his career takes one last kick at the can and lands a wildcard spot at Wimbledon. During the tournament he falls for Lizzie (Kirsten Dunst), the top ranking US female player. Lizzie’s father (Sam Neill) disapproves of the union because it’s affecting her performance.

However, the reverse is happening to Peter’s game as he moves up the rankings.

While there is a spattering of chemistry between the leads, it’s the sharp dialogue, the behind-the-scenes squabbles and the intensity of this upper crust sport that make this predictable love story really work.   

Unfortunately, when you date another tennis player your bleach budget doubles.

He’s a Topspin Doctor. He’s the…

Vidiot

 

You Were Kind. You Did Rewind.

He's the Womanizer of the Year. He's the...

Vidiot

Week of December 31, 2017

The Best and Worst Movie of the Year. First up....

 

Logan

You can tell a superhero is getting old when villains start using credit-card scams on them.

Luckily, the aged protagonist in this action movie knows to keep his PIN protected.

A weathered Wolverine/Logan (Hugh Jackman) struggles to survive in a mutant-less future where his healing factor is failing and his once powerful mentor (Patrick Stewart) suffers from Alzheimer's.

Matters worsen when a young mutant (Dafne Keen) escapes from a laboratory and asks for his help in reaching a mutant safe haven up north. Accepting, however, puts the irritable immortal’s life in danger for the first – and possibly last - time.

Focusing more on the character than his infamous claws, this end chapter of the Jackman era may suffer from some lulls but is ultimately a fitting tribute to the troubled Canuck with strong performances, furious action and a moving script.

Incidentally, elderly superheroes always keep some candy in their spandex.

​

The Emoji Movie

Growing up the only emoticon you were allowed to feel was: Smiling Face.

As per this animated-adventure: Now there’s a myriad of symbols to emote your psychosis.

Inside of a teenager’s phone lives a multifaceted face emoji, Gene (T.J. Miller), that doesn’t want to be defined by his ‘meh’ designation, like his parents, so he teams up with a HI-5 sign (James Corden) and a hacker (Anna Faris) that can help fix his glitch before Gene is deleted.

But to repair Gene they must survive Candy Crush, Instagram and Spotify.

A platform for app and software companies to reach impressionable young minds, this commercial masked as a 3-D kids cartoon is corporate brainwashing. Intent on creating brand loyalty amongst preschoolers by way of cutesy characters, showing this schlock to minors should be deemed child abuse.       

Furthermore, who needs emoticons when every human emotion can be articulated by a dick pic?

He's a Polar Bear Club Sandwich. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s the New Year’s Babysitter. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 29, 2017

Wake me at 11:58 PM. First up...

The Mountain Between Us

The real key to surviving the wild is getting an appetite for wolf meat.

However, due to the altitude in this romantic-adventure, cougar meat is more likely.

  

When a storm strands an ill-tempered neurosurgeon (Idris Elba) and an engaged photojournalist (Kate Winslet) in Boise, the strangers pool their funds and hire a private contractor (Beau Bridges) to fly them through the tempest.

Mid-flight the pilot passes out and careens into a mountain, where the polar opposite pair battle the elements to make it to shelter. Along the way, they learn to lean on each other in more ways than one.

From its toothless circumstances to its lukewarm romance, this adaptation of the bestselling novel is a lopsided love story shoehorned into a tale of survival that never fully commits to either of its fanciful story lines.

Furthermore, be careful when making out with a starving person as they tend to bite.  Red Light

Flatliners

The worst part of dying is when the Grim Reaper shows up with your bill.

Existential reparation aside, returning to the living like they do in this horror more is much worse.

Using themselves as test subjects, a group of morbid medical students (Ellen Page, Diego Luna, Nina Dobrev) pierce the veil for a full minute before returning to the living with extraordinary new abilities.

  

But those aptitudes come at a price, and soon each participant is haunted back in the real world by the spectre of a past sin they have committed. Now, the only way to appease the spirits is to make amends.    

An unnecessary update of the middling 1990s psychological thriller, this tepid retelling doesn’t do much in way of adding to the pre-existing source material. With low-rent chills and half-ass performances, this stiff is DOA.  

Besides, it’s way cheaper to tempt death playing the choking game.  Red Light

***Oxygen Masquerade***

Final Destination

The key to affordable air travel is wearing everything in your suitcase.

However, this supernatural thriller occurs before passengers had to pay to bring luggage.

Suffering a traumatic vision of a plane crash minutes before he and his classmates are to board their flight to Paris, Alex (Devon Sawa) attempts to warn everyone but is ejected from the flight, with others (Seann William Scott, Ali Larter).

When the plane does explode, an unseen entity stalks those who heeded Alex’s warning and survived.  With freak events occurring all around them, the survivors must now stay one step ahead of Death itself.

The first installment in the long-running franchise, this 2000 teen horror still makes an impact. With an array of intricate occurrences to keep viewers tense, this invisible interpretation of the Grim Reaper is certainly a unique one.   

Moreover, the Reaper loves travelling by air because it reminds him of Hell. 

He’s a Fight or Flight Attendant. He’s the…

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