Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's Counting Black Sleep. He's the...

Vidiot

Week of June 9, 2017

Fairy tale folk ate a lot of cursed princes by mistake. First up...

 

​

Beauty and the Beast

The upside to marrying a beast is you can forgo getting a family pet.

Mind you, the opposite species in this musical may not even make it that far.

When the mysterious owner of an abandoned castle imprisons her father (Kevin Kline) for theft, independent adolescent Belle (Emma Watson) embarks on a journey to take his place behind bars.

                                                                               

On arrival she discovers her father’s captor is an anthropomorphic beast (Dan Stevens) that was cursed by a witch, along with his household items (Ian McKellen, Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, Emma Thompson), which are now sentient.

Disney’s semi-live-action adaptation of their own animated version of the French fairy tale, this shot-for-shot remake is a visual feast for the eyes and fun for all-ages - even if the beast does look off and Belle’s suitors are too mature for her.

Unfortunately, the success of this fable could spark bestiality trends among young people.  Green Light

 

​

A Cure to Wellness

Without the Internet people would be diagnosing themselves with ailments they didn’t have. 

Unfortunately, the health resort in this psychological thriller doesn’t have WiFi.

Dispatched by board members to bring their missing CEO back from a Swiss sanitarium so he can finalize a merger, company up-and-comer Lockhart (Dane DeHaan) agrees to meet with the resident physician (Jason Isaacs) concerning visitation.

Conveniently, Lockhart later checks himself in after an accident. Inside he meets Hannah (Mia Goth), who drinks blue liquid to stay in the pink and tells Lockhart of the doctor’s misdeeds concerning female fertilization.   

While it does have an intriguing story with striking visuals, colour schemes and set design, this timely tale of moral integrity versus moral corruption - and the cure for it - is extremely long-winded in its delivery with a laughable lead performance from its dead-eyed star.

Moreover, Swiss wellness retreats are really just magnificently expensive placebos.  Yellow Light

***Kellogg’s Corny Flakes***

 

​

The Road to Wellsville

The key to getting fit is wearing athletic apparel everywhere you go in public.

Others, like those in this dramedy, maintain exercise and diet is the key.

Breakfast cereal magnate Dr. Kellogg (Anthony Hopkins) operates a wellness center in the Michigan woods where the world’s wealthiest (Matthew Broderick, Bridget Fonda) come for treatment for an assortment of ailments.

Surprisingly, most of the cures come from sexual and business liaisons with a hodgepodge of eccentrics (Lara Flynn Boyle, John Cusack, Dana Carvey) instead of coming from Kellogg’s brand of abstinence and colon cleansing.

But it’s those extracurricular activities that threaten the retreat’s existence.

A star-studded affair that was both a critical and financial flop, this perverted depiction of Kellogg’s clean living criteria from 1994 is more lecherous than humorous. And that includes Hopkins’ cringe worthy turn as the cornflake maker.

Besides, who wants to swim in a pool full of milk?

He’s a Health Nutcracker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Makes a Good Fist Impression. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 2, 2017

Fight, Flight or Faint. First up…

 

​

Fist Fight

Nowadays when teenagers fist fight after school they do so online using avatars.

The feuding educators in this comedy, however, are settling their beef old school.

Amid the year-end pranks from the graduating class and internal layoffs in their faculty (Tracy Morgan, Christina Hendricks), milquetoast English instructor Andy (Charlie Day) sets off the unstable history teacher, Ron (Ice Cube), who subsequently challenges the timid family man to a fist fight after class.

Andy then spends the rest of the last day of school trying to evade the beat down by getting Ron fired or imprisoned.

Wasting a talented comedic cast on a humourless and distasteful script that brings nothing new to the high school movie sub-genre, this needlessly vulgar endeavour into cutbacks and bullying is best left back a year so it can mature into a functional comedy.

Incidentally, teachers only fight after school because their wages are so low.  Red Light

 

​

The Shack

God lets children die because he needs their souls to work the coalmines in Heaven. 

However, this drama maintains that Paradise adheres to all child labour laws.

Family man Mack (Sam Worthington) is destroyed when a serial killer abducts and murders his daughter while she is on a camping trip. In his grief Mack receives a mysterious letter telling him to come to a shack in the woods.

Assuming he’s there to meet his daughter’s kidnapper, Mack is shocked to discover three strangers (Octavia Spencer, Sumire, Avraham Aviv Alush) inside, waiting to teach him all about forgiving his enemies.

Well it no doubt has an interesting, albeit unrealistic, take on absolution, this melodramatic adaptation of the self-published Canadian best seller comes with some heavy proselytization and hokey acting from both human and deity alike.

Moreover, if the Trinity only needs a shack, why does the Pope need a whole city?  Red Light       

***Student Body Slams***

 

​

Three O'Clock High

The only way to really deal with a bully is to bully their younger sibling.

Unfortunately, the bully in this comedy is an only child.

High school geek Jerry (Casey Siemaszko) is tasked with writing a welcome article on his school’s newest transfer: bad-boy Buddy (Richard Tyson). The assignment goes from bad to worse when Buddy challenges Jerry to an after-school fight.

Terrified of fighting, Jerry employs every trick in the textbook in order to avoid the pending violence. Stashing contraband, getting detention, even trying to buy Buddy off doesn’t dissuade the imminent beat down that has the student body placing bets.

An out-there dark comedy, this 1987 high school sub-genre flop stands the test of time thanks to the enduring power of bullying. Awkwardly funny and brutally honest, this neglected after-school fistfight movie needs to be revisited. 

Incidentally, there’d be no after-school fights if child labour laws were abolished.

He’s a Chalkboard Member. He’s the…

 

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Antihero Sandwich. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 26, 2017

Mutants eat with their talons just like the rest of us. First up…

​

Logan

You can tell a superhero is getting old when villains start using credit-card scams on them.

Luckily, the aged protagonist in this action movie knows to keep his PIN protected.

A weathered Wolverine/Logan (Hugh Jackman) struggles to survive in a mutant-less future where his healing factor is failing and his once powerful mentor (Patrick Stewart) suffers from Alzheimer's.

Matters worsen when a young mutant (Dafne Keen) escapes from a laboratory and asks for his help in reaching a mutant safe haven up north. Accepting, however, puts the irritable immortal’s life in danger for the first – and possibly last - time.

Focusing more on the character than his infamous claws, this end chapter of the Jackman era may suffer from some lulls but is ultimately a fitting tribute to the troubled Canuck with strong performances, furious action and a moving script.

Incidentally, elderly superheroes always keep some candy in their spandex.  Green Light 

​

The Great Wall

If China were smart they would’ve got the Mongols to pay for the Great Wall to be built.

Oddly, the intruders in this fantasy movie are not even of Earth.

Searching for China’s famed black powder, mercenaries Garin (Matt Damon) and Pero (Pedro Pascal) are attacked by mysterious creatures, and survive.

When they are later captured by the military, Commander Mae (Jing Tian) tells them of the horde and their need to cleanse the earth of avarice. Intrigued, Garin agrees to help kill the colony’s queen. Insatiable, Pero teams with another captive (Willem Dafoe) to pilfer the explosive powder.      

With a multitude of highly stylized battles imbued with eye-popping aerial attacks in a kaleidoscope of colours, this visually striking creature feature has a very familiar script and an unintentionally hilarious performance from Damon that borders on campy.

And while China’s Great Wall did deterred invaders, it inadvertently encouraged graffiti artists.  Yellow Light

​

Get Out

The great thing about interracial relationships is you’ll never start to look alike.

Even dressed identical, the mixed-race couple in this horror movie would maintain their distinctiveness.

Black photographer, Chris (Daniel Kaluuya), is nervous about spending the weekend with his white girlfriend’s (Allison Williams) family (Bradley Whitford, Catherine Keener, Caleb Landry Jones).

His fears are soon confirmed when he begins having strange encounters with the few other black people around who all warn him to get out.

Things get even stranger when Chris ends up on the auction block for the family’s affluent white friends to purchase for their own nefarious reasons.

More psychological horror than slasher flick splatterfest, this socially relevant debut from comedian-cum-director Jordan Peele deals with the racial divide in America with a monstrous metaphor that is frightening foremost for its high probability.

Besides, meeting white people isn’t scary as long as you have your hands up.  Green Light 

 ***Retired Gun***

​

Shane

The reason you don’t see old gunslingers is because greeters at Wal-Mart cannot be armed.

Another reason, as this Western points out is that most end up dead.

After the Civil War a weathered gunfighter, Shane (Alan Ladd), moseys into a Wyoming settlement where he befriends a farmer (Van Heflin), his wife (Jean Arthur) and their son Joey (Brandon deWilde). 

When Shane learns a greedy cattleman (Emile Meyer) and his henchman (Jack Palance) are strong-arming the settlers off their property, he agrees to help fight back. 

Admired by Joey for his prowess with a pistol, Shane cautions him on the way of the gun.

Still one of the greatest films ever produced thanks to its poignant storytelling, compelling characters and ambiguous ending, this Technicolor adaption of the popular paperback is a gritty dissertation on obsolescence.

Besides, the world still needs gunslingers to perform twice daily at Wild West theme parks.

He’s a Squirt Gunslinger. He’s the….

Vidiot