Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Foot-long Submissive. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 12, 2017

Dominatrixes just make you pick-up their dry cleaning. First up…

Fifty Shades Darker

It’s a safe bet that being tied up in bed is the sexual fetish of every escape artist.

However, the subservient in this erotic drama isn’t exactly dislocating her shoulder.

While she is working as an assistant book editor, Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) attends an art event where she runs into her wealthy ex-boyfriend/dominate Christian (Jamie Dornan), who wants her back.

She quickly agrees to rekindle their kinky relationship but under one condition: no more punishment. Meanwhile, Christian’s former submissive (Bella Heathcote) and his mature mentor (Kim Basinger) both reappear in his life to wreak havoc on his current affair.

While it is twice as titillating as the initial soft-core film adaptation of E. L. James’s erotic bestseller, this superfluous sequel still lacks a semi-interesting storyline, skilled actors to portray the flimsy characters and dialogue that isn’t completely ridiculous.

Incidentally, BDSM paraphernalia can also be used a weapon against home invaders.  Red Light

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Gold

The worst part of gold digging is that you to have to spank an 80-year-old ass.

Fortunately this drama is about prospecting, not sleeping with the elderly.

Kenny’s (Matthew McConaughey) an ineffective entrepreneur who tries his hand at mining. Partnering with a geologist (Édgar Ramírez) the two raise enough capital to fund a dig in Indonesia. Initially unsuccessful, they eventual strike a vein that sends Wall Street into a tizzy.

With investors and governments now onboard, Kenny finally gets the notoriety he craves. But a ploy by his partner could put their entire deposit in jeopardy.

A loose adaptation of the 1993 Canadian mining company sandal that rocked the industry, this well-acted yet highly fictional account of Bre-X not only Americanizes the Canuck content, but it also dumbs down the material with its derivative crime-drama script.

However, when Canadians do strike it rich they tend to pimp out their igloos.  Yellow Light

***Tantric or Treat***

 

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9 ½ Weeks

The best thing about a one-night stand is that you don’t have to sleep at the shelter.

The lucky devil in this erotic drama, in fact, has been living cot-free for months.

When Wall Street financial whiz John Gray (Mickey Rourke) encounters art galley employee Elizabeth (Kim Basinger) they have an instant sexual connection that will soon find Elizabeth stepping outside her boundaries.

Over the coming weeks, John enforces his dominance over his new submissive, yet is unwilling to meet her friends socially. As their explicit encounters intensify, Elizabeth’s work and wellbeing begins to suffer, while John’s mysterious past slowly reveals itself. 

Although not the first erotic-romance to grace celluloid, this provocative piece of BDSM from 1986 remains a touchstone of the sub-genre. Deeply psychological and highly carnal, director Adrian Lyne blends both elements artistically.

Interestingly enough, thanks to technology we have shaved random hookups down to 9 ½ minutes. 

He’s a Wisdominatrix. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Happy Accident Prone. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 5, 2017

Luck comes to those who cheat. First up…

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A Dog’s Purpose

The main purpose of any household canine is to ingest all the crumbs off the floor.

But according to this drama dog’s have a higher purpose beyond being fur vacuums.

1961: A Golden Retriever named Bailey (Josh Gad) is adopted by a teenager, Ethan (KJ Apa), who is having trouble at home with his abusive father. After saving the family from a fire Bailey passes on.

He is later reborn in the 1970s as a female German Shepard working on the K-9 unit. After that life, he’s a spoiled Corgi then a neglected Saint Bernard who sets out to find his original owner, Ethan (Dennis Quad).

With each iteration of Bailey kicking the bucket every 20-minutes, this manipulative drivel yanks at your heartstrings ad nauseam with little worth to any of the vignette’s beyond introducing a new breed.

Furthermore, everyone knows dogs have the reincarnated souls of death row inmates.  Red Light

Rings

In the old days when someone gave you an unlabelled VHS tape it was pornography.

The images on the cassette in this horror movie, regrettably, are all cursed.

A college professor (Johnny Galecki) acquires a hexed videocassette from a plane crash. After watching it, he receives a message telling him he has seven days to live unless he gets someone else to watch. He turns this into a class project.

Meanwhile, Julia (Matilda Lutz) comes to campus looking for her boyfriend (Alex Roe) who’s being stalked by the creepy girl (Bonnie Morgan) from the recording.

By rehashing plot points from the previous films with little context in which to interpret them, this scare less continuation of the Americanized version of the Japanese original is not only confusing for new audiences but also redundant for fans.

Besides, any young girl that crawls out of a TV nowadays will quickly be kidnapped.  Red Light

***Unsound Footage***

 

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Man Bites Dog

The problem with video recording your murders in the 1990s was no online ad revenue.

So it’s hard to understand why the serial killer in this black comedy would do it.

With a film crew in tow, charismatic sociopath Ben (Benoît Poelvoorde) goes about his day-to-day, detailing in-depth for the cameras the finer points of slaying strangers. He demonstrates his barbaric methods as well.

While they are passive observers at first, the film crew soon help Ben restrain and dispose of his random victims. As such, they become collateral damage when someone target’s Ben for revenge.

A pioneer of the found footage sub-genre, this 1992 satire from Belgium takes the mockumentary style in a very dark direction. By blending off-kilter comedy with sadistic cruelty, this NC-17 rated cult hit is jarring in ways few horror movies are.   

Incidentally, taping your carnage will show jurors just how hot you use to look.

He’s a Super Model Prisoner.  He’s the…

Vidiot

 

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Showmanship Wreck. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 28, 2017

I’m a triple threat: singer, dancer and armed. First up…

 

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La La Land

Finally, Hollywood has made a film that celebrates France’s stuttering sailors.

Oops, apparently the land in the title actually references to tinsel town it self.

Mia (Emma Stone) is a budding actress whose hapless life is constantly intersecting with an aspiring jazz musician, Sebastian (Ryan Gosling), who would rather open his own club than play in his jazz-fusion band (John Legend).

A relationship eventfully forms between the entertainers and they each help the other attain their dream. However their success comes at the expensive of their unique bond.

A keenly choreographed homage to old Hollywood musicals set in the modern era with its contemporary inconveniences, this song and dance routine may have a familiar narrative but its reinterpretation is astute; albeit saccharine at times.

Career defining performers from both leads and a decent array of melodies further enhance this charmer.

Incidentally, insurance doesn’t cover injuries obtained dancing in the streets.  Yellow Light

 

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Underworld: Blood Wars

The key to winning the war against vampires is cutting off their crushed velvet supply.

Lamentably, the bloodsuckers in this action movie also have skintight leather to wear.

Sought by her lycanthropic enemy (Tobias Menzies) who needs her hybrid daughter so he can create vampire/werewolf soldiers from her blood, Death Dealer Selene (Kate Beckinsale) seeks asylum with an upstart coven where she trains others like her.

Selene’s stay is short-lived due to her host’s (Lara Pulver) desire to drink her blood, so she and her student (Theo James) strike out to find her offspring before anyone else does.

The fifth installment in this less than memorable monster franchise, Blood Wars attempts to reinvigorate the struggling series with millennial material and mindless gunfights. Both of which do nothing to distract from the muddled script and ho-hum SPFX.   

Lastly, werewolves leave more than explosive landmines on the battlefield.  Red Light

***Lip-Syncing in the Rain***

 

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The Umbrellas of Cherbourg  

Busking is almost like living in a musical except teenagers steal your change-filled hat.

Fortunately, the vocalists in this musical have real jobs to do while they sing.

Umbrella saleswoman Geneviève (Catherine Deneuve) is smitten with mechanic Guy (Nino Castelnuovo). But when he’s conscripted into the Algerian war, she is left alone and pregnant in their French village.

Encourage by her mother (Anne Vernon) to marry the local jeweler (Marc Michel), Guy returns from war to discover Geneviève has left Cherbourg with the daughter that he never knew he had.

Years later, a chance encounter finds the former lovers face to face for the first time in forever.

Considered an unorthodox musical on account that all of the dialogue is sung similar to an opera, this brightly hued tale is also unique in its true-to-life take on love and its unpredictability.

Interestingly enough, karaoke in Cherbourg is actually talking off-key.

He’s Baritone Deaf. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Fast Foodie. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 21, 2017

A horrible accident inspired the drive-thru. First up…

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The Founder

Everyone already knows that McDonald’s was the result of the Devil copulating with a kids’ birthday party clown. 

But as this biography proposes, the fast-food chain may in fact just be a business.

On the road, travelling salesman-cum-entrepreneur Ray Kroc (Michael Keaton) comes across a drive-in restaurant run by two brothers (John Carroll Lynch, Nick Offerman) that is managed so efficiently that he proposes they franchise with his help.

Ray’s relationship with the McDonald brother’s is quickly strained, however, due to his unauthorized alterations to their formula, and the fact he’s phasing them out of their own company.

 

With a magnetic performance from Keaton as the ruthless businessman who built the fast-food industry on the backs of others, this quasi commercial also serves as a captivating cautionary tale due to its high levels of duplicity.    

Moreover, McDonald’s continues to evolve, like their recent decision to offer all-day stomach cancer.  Green Light

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Split

Entering your online dating personality profile takes forever when you have multiple personalities.

That must be the reason the schizoid in this thriller kidnaps his matches.

Three teenage girls (Anya Taylor-Joy, Haley Lu Richardson, Jessica Sula) are adducted by 1 of the 23 personalities belonging to dissociative identity disorder patient Kevin (James McAvoy).

While in his captivity the girls become acquainted with Kevin’s other personas, including a female and a child who the girls manipulate for their freedom. The one disposition they haven’t encountered happens to be the most dangerous: a super-human intent on purging humanity.

Although the concept and characters can get absurd, this M. Night Shyamalan feature does find the once lauded director finding his footing again. Moreover, the allusion at the end to an old Shyamalan picture is worth the watch.

 

Incidentally, even with all those personalities you still have to pay the entire dinner bill yourself.  Yellow Light

***Spoiler Allergic***    

Unbreakable

The best thing about having impenetrable skin is watching mosquitos try to suck your blood.

Unfortunately for the indestructible man is thriller, it also means keeping secrets.

Different since he was a child, David’s (Bruce Willis) invincibility was undisclosed until he became the sole surviving passenger of a train wreck. This miracle attracts the attention of an art dealer (Samuel L. Jackson) with an opposite affliction to David’s shatterproof bones.

Estranged from his wife (Robin Wright) but now a hero to his son (Spencer Treat Clark), David agrees to hone his powers alongside his delicate new friend for the sake of justice. 

M. Night Shyamalan’s subtle comic-book movie from the turn of the century still stands up as one of his – as well as the genre’s – finest to date. Moody, restrained and exhilarating, Unbreakable is riddled with unexpected twists. 

Lastly, impenetrable skin totally sucks if you’re an intravenous drug user.

He’s Potato Chip Resistant.  He’s the…

Vidiot