Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Shipwrecking Ball. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 11, 2016

The best weight-loss diet is being lost at sea. First up…

 

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In the Heart of the Sea

The key to being a successful whaler is attaching a large sign to your ship’s port that reads: Whale Watching Tours.

However, the underwater leviathan in this drama would never fall for such chicanery.

When Herman Melville (Ben Whishaw) convinces an innkeeper (Brendan Gleeson) to disclose to him his time aboard a whaling vessel, the young novelist learns of how its crew (Chris Hemsworth, Benjamin Walker, Cillian Murphy) contended with a malicious marine mammal that left them marooned.

The old codger’s account of treachery, anthropophagy and an angry sperm whale inspires Melvin to pen his own epic whale tale.

While it does offer up some edifying tidbits on extricating whale oil, this adaptation of the inspiration behind Moby Dick doesn’t have Melvin’s narrative to support the bulk of its digitized predator or Hemsworth’s lumbering performance.

Luckily, nowadays, we have a more humane way of extracting oil from whales called fracking.  Yellow Light

 

Victor Frankenstein

With all of his talents, Dr. Frankenstein could have made millions as a Beverley Hills plastic surgeon.

Unfortunately, as this horror movie demonstrates, he still prefers to use his gifts on the physically dead.

Rescuing a hunchback (Daniel Radcliffe) from the circus and putting him to work in his laboratory, Doctor Victor Frankenstein (James McAvoy) is poised to reanimate his dormant creation.

But when he’s expelled from school for dabbling in the dark arts, Victor must seek funding from an old friend (Freddie Fox) who wants to mass-produce his monster for military use.

Elsewhere, Igor romances a friend from the circus (Jessica Brown Findlay), to Victor’s chagrin.

An action-packed re-imaging of Mary Shelley’s novel, Victor Frankenstein’s dreary cinematography, derivative script and dismal creature design make-up a patchwork corpse as lifeless as one of Victor’s cadavers.

Incidentally, the only things you need to defeat an army of carcasses are…ravenous buzzards.  Red Light

 

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The Peanuts Movie

The reason behind Peanuts’ long-running success is that fans always felt sorry for that kid with leukemia.

However, this animated adaptation affirms that Charlie Brown’s baldness is not from chemotherapy.

The eternal milksop Charlie Brown must put aside his insecurities if he hopes to get the new Little Red-Haired Girl at school to take notice of him.

To catch her eye, he enlists the aid of his beagle Snoopy to help him win her over using talents he does not posses, in academics, choreography and stage magic.

In-between Chuck’s failed attempt, Snoopy bangs out a book about his alter ego the Red Baron.

With its psychoanalytical take on childhood, familiar score and even more memorable supporting cast, this keenly animated adaption of Charles Schulz’ beloved comic strip pays respect to its origins by sticking to its innocuous formula.

Furthermore, Charlie Brown’s soul mate will forever be fellow comic-strip loser Cathy.  Yellow Light

***Blowhole in One***

 

The Island at the Top of the World

The upside to the melting ice caps is that sun-seekers can finally access those time-shares they bought before the last ice age.

Mind you, the explorers in this action-adventure movie aren’t looking for cozy accommodations.

Determined to locate his son (David Gwillim) who went missing on an expedition to find an island in the arctic where whales go to die, a nobleman (Donald Sinden) hires an archaeologist (David Hartman), an Inuit (Mako) and a balloonist (Jacques Marin) to fly them aboard his dirigible.

Soon, the searchers not only discover the legendary bone yard, but also a lost Viking tribe and an active volcano that threatens their aerial escape. 

Featuring fanatical savages, killer whales and middle-age heroes, this fanciful - but mostly forgotten - live-action Walt Disney escapade from the 1970s is an interesting albeit hokey history lesson.

What’s more, the real place where whales go to die is called SeaWorld.

He’s a Weak Sperm Whale. He’s the…

 Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Boxing Ring Bearer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 4, 2016

Rusty nails on the gloves would really amp boxing up. First up…

Creed

The reason why retired boxers don’t do color commentary is because their concussed brains see 4 fighters instead of 2.

Surprisingly, the archaic pugilist in this drama has contracted a non-boxing ailment.

Determined to make a name for himself in the ring, Adonis (Michael B. Jordan), the son of Apollo Creed, seeks out his father’s old rival and friend, Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone), to train him.

When the media gets wind of Adonis legacy, he quickly lands a landmark bout.

But his shot at the light heavyweight championship is endangered when his mentor is diagnosed with cancer.

A refreshing addition to the Rocky anthology, Creed is as much homage to the original as it is an update of the mythos.

With knockout performances, kinetic direction, and rapid-fire editing all aiding in its inspirational yet unconventional sports movie trajectory.

Conversely, retired ringside cutman can always get seasonal stitch-work with the NHL.  Green Light

 

The Danish Girl

Most men only want to be female so that they can cry their way out of speeding tickets.

However, the dude in this drama actually identifies with the feminine gender.

When asked by his wife Gerda (Alicia Vikander) to model nylons for a portrait, Einar Wegener’s (Eddie Redmayne) secret desire to cross-dress is finally sated.

                                                                                               

Encouraged by Gerda to go a gala as his alter ego Lilli, Einer attends the event in drag and attracts the eye of a bachelor Henrik (Ben Whishaw).

Later, Gerda’s paintings of Lilli begin to sell, while Lilli herself undergoes a procedure to become a permanent woman so she can marry Henrik.

Although its transgendered subject matter is certainly timely and Redmayne’s performance is utterly transcending, most of the facts of this fact-based biography are bent to better its provocative love story.

Incidentally, a telltale sign if a woman was once a man is their level of flatulence.  Yellow Light

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Room

To catch child abductors, the police should be staking out Home Depot’s sex-dungeon department.

Unfortunately, the captor’s enclosure in this drama was preexisting.

Raised by his mother, Joy (Brie Larson), in a backyard shed belonging to the man who abducted her when she was a teenager, five-year-old Jack (Jacob Tremblay) is completely unaware of life beyond the room where she and he are imprisoned.

After a successful escape, the two try to acclimate to outside life. This includes reconciling with Joy’s now-divorced parents (Joan Allen, William H. Macy) and dealing with the media’s victim shaming.

The most frightening yet life-affirming films in years, this character-driven adaption of the novel will resonate with views, not only for its brave performances, but also for Jack’s alien-like viewpoint of the world we take for granted.

Ironically, the shut-ins discovered that everyone in the outside world was being held captive in a virtual prison. Green Light

***Foxy Boxing Day***

Girlfight

The main thing that separates male and female boxers is the hair and make-up team the woman’s corner.

Mind up, the feminine prizefighter in this drama doesn’t like to cover up her black eyes.

Troubled teenager Diana (Michelle Rodriguez) finds an outlet for her angry when she attends her brother’s boxing lesson. But she is unable to afford a trainer until he decides to drops out and pursue art.

Eventually she forms a relationship with her sparring partner (Jaime Tirelli). But it is later jeopardized when they are set to fight one another, and he refuses to step into the ring.

The gritty Indy love story that put Michelle Rodriguez on the map, Girlfight is a balanced battle-of-the-sexes sports drama that confronts heavyweight issues, like poverty, abuse and suicide, with tact and artistry.

However, female boxing would be more popular if opponents didn’t apologize to each other after every punch.

He’s Throwing in the Sanitary Towel. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Impuritan. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of February 26, 2016

Where was Trump when the Pilgrims were seeking asylum? First up…

 

Brooklyn

The reason why the Irish settled in Brooklyn was due to Manhattan’s strict public intoxication laws.

Surprisingly, the cailín in this romantic movie is a wee bit of a teetotaler.

Sponsored by her family’s former priest (Jim Broadbent), Eilis (Saoirse Ronan) is able to leave Ireland behind and settle in Brooklyn, where she subsequently works in a shop.

At a dance she meets - and later marries - Tony (Emory Cohen). But when she returns home for a funeral, she keeps her nuptials a secret so she can flirt with an eligible Irishman (Domhnall Gleeson).

Complete with authentic Irish and annoying Brooklyn accents, this complex yet cottony coming-of-age love story is a sincere snapshot of 1950s New York, while Ronan simply embodies the naivety as well as the mixed emotions of becoming an American.  

Moreover, it reminds us that not all immigrants are terrorists; they’re also letting in two-timing hussies.  Green Light

 

Spotlight

The Catholic Church opposes abortion because they need more children to molest.

Fortunately, the journalists in this drama are putting a stop to the latter.

When Marty Baron (Liev Schreiber), the new editor of the Boston Globe’s investigative department, gets wind of a lawyer’s (Stanley Tucci) claim that the Archbishop hide allegations of sexual abuse, he directs his team (Michael Keaton Mark Ruffalo, Rachel McAdams) to focus solely on this story.

Their findings unearth dozens of victims still waiting for justice, an archdiocese simply relocating the accused, and negligence on the paper’s part for not publishing tips it had received years prior.

The unfortunate true story that shook Boston to its core in 2002, Spotlight’s ensemble cast shines as a beacon of excellence equal to the journalists they portray, while the script is detailed but not exploitive.

However, the Catholic Church exacted its revenge when the Internet destroyed newspaper subscriptions.   Green Light

***Ultra Light Sleeper***

Sleepers

When falling asleep around the male species it is best to do so with a bear trap between your legs.

Unfortunately, the boys in this thriller could not access any anti-rape weaponry.

When an innocent street prank goes wrong, Hell’s Kitchen troublemakers Shakes (Jason Patric), Michael (Brad Pitt) and Tommy (Billy Crudup) are sentenced to serve in an upstate boys home. Interned, they are repeatedly raped by the lead guard (Kevin Bacon) and his squad.

Years later, the friends exploit their positions in the media and justice department to takedown their former abusers with false testimony from their neighbourhood priest (Robert De Niro).

An unsettling account of juvenile detention supplemented by an even more controversial form of retribution, this dark and dubious adaption of the semi-nonfictional novel is an intense and unforgettable experience.

Incidentally, if the predatory guards had been female the courts would’ve sentenced them to life on probation.

He’s a Double Standard Appliance. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Social Cue-Card Holder. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of February 20, 2016

Man’s first nonverbal communication was the middle finger. First up…

 

Steve Jobs

If it weren’t for Steve Jobs men would have to hand deliver their dick pics.

Erroneously, this drama explores his lesser contributions to society.

Apple Inc. co-founder Steve Jobs (Michael Fassbender) is confronted by his Ex and her daughter, whom she claims is his, moments before he’s set to reveal a new product before his CEO (Jeff Daniels), investors, and the media.

While he denies paternity, he eventually forms a friendship with her that follows him to his next company. Meanwhile, her mother and his friends and colleagues (Kate Winslet, Seth Rogen) start to resent his hubris and inhumanity.

With snappy, yet highly improbable, dialogue supplied by Aaron Sorkin and kinetic clips combined with static stage shots from director Danny Boyle, this academic adaptation of the Apple mastermind’s memoir is laborious, pretentious, and melodramatic.

Besides, Steve Jobs isn’t dead…Apple is just waiting to unveil their latest version of him.   Red Light

 

Trumbo

One telltale sign a screenwriter is a communist is they name every male lead character Sergei.

Wisely, the sympathizer in this drama used American names in his scripts.

Accused of imbedding anti-American rhetoric into his scripts, gossip columnist Hedda Hopper (Helen Mirren) and actor John Wayne (David James Elliott) see that card-carrying communist Dalton Trumbo (Bryan Cranston) is imprisoned.

Blacklisted, he must sell his post-prison scripts to schlock producer Frank King (John Goodman) under pseudonyms, until Kirk Douglas (Dean O'Gorman) petitions to get him credit for Spartacus.

Meanwhile, his family (Diane Lane, Elle Fanning) suffers at the hands of his daunting schedule.

While the casting of the real-life actors portrayed in this biography is questionable, this quirky account of Hollywood’s red witch-hunt, and its most outspoken victim, is a fascinating and frightening account of historical hysteria.

Scarier still, back then you had to write movie dialogue without using the F-word.  Green Light

 

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The Good Dinosaur

If an asteroid hadn’t wiped out the dinosaurs than the Flintstones would have been the first reality TV show.

Instead, this family-movie reimagines that non-extinction scenario as a cartoon.

After losing his father (Jeffrey Wright), a naïve dinosaur named Arlo (Raymond Ochoa) is separated from his mother (Frances McDormand) during a flood and forced to find his way back home.

En route, Arlo befriends a laconic cave-boy he names Spot, and receives guidance from an array of prehistoric predators (Sam Elliott, Anna Paquin, Steve Zahn) who may or may not want to eat the travelling companions.

With unconventional character designs, mature themes involving loss and scary scenes of animal-on-animal violence, The Good Dinosaur is a definite departure from Pixar’s predictably upbeat output.

Unfortunately, none of these new elements help make this black sheep a classic. 

On the bright side, if dinosaurs had survived we’d all be wearing Velociraptor leather coats.  Yellow Light

***Hollyrock Gossip***

 

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The Flintstones

Contrary to popular belief, the Paleo Diet is more than consuming a bottle of Flintstone vitamins for every meal.

Thankfully, this comedy will give dieters greater insight into what cave-people ate.

When blue-collar Fred (John Goodman) is accused of embezzling by his boss (Kyle MacLachlan) and his assistant (Halle Berry), he’s not only in trouble with the law, but also his wife (Elizabeth Perkins) and mother-in-law (Elizabeth Taylor).

Meanwhile, his neighbors Barney (Rick Moranis) and Betty (Rosie O'Donnell) hope to adopt a cave-boy with Fred’s financial help.

While it does an adequate job of mimicking its inspiration for loyalists, this tepid 1994 live-action adaption of the 1960s primetime cartoon does an inadequate job of updating Fred’s dilemmas to appeal to younger fans unfamiliar with his stone-age antics.

That’s because kids today cannot relate to when prehistoric birds had to etch your dick pic onto slate before you could text it.

He’s a Man-Cave-Man. He’s the…

Vidiot