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He’s an Evil Eye Doctor. He’s the...

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Week of October 31, 2014

Curses only work on the blessed. First up…

 

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Deliver Us from Evil

The best way to coax a demon out of a human is with executive-producer credit on the movie based on its life.

Unfortunately, this horror movie is only inspired by, not based on, its demonic source material.

New York cop Ralph (Eric Bana) and his partner (Joel McHale) find themselves enmeshed in a number of strange cases around town.

Eventually Ralph comes across a Spanish priest (Édgar Ramírez) who not only encourages him to harness his latent intuition, but also helps Ralph track down an Iraq War veteran (Sean Harris) possessed by a demonic spirit.

To make matters worse, the demon has kidnapped Ralph’s wife (Olivia Munn) and daughter.

Inspired by the real-life officer, Deliver Us from Evil relies too heavily on pop-up scares for its frights, while the religious undertones are wafer thin, and the acting unintentionally comical.

Incidentally, cops and priests usually only congregate during child-porn ring busts.  Red Light

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Begin Again

Having to explain what an acoustic guitar is to your audience is the hardest part of being a singer/songwriter today.

Fortunately the songstress in this musical has found a producer familiar with her analog instrument.

Contemplating moving home after breaking-up with her writing partner (Adam Levine), Gretta (Keira Knightley) is dissuaded by a freshly fired music executive, Dan (Mark Ruffalo), who offers her a contract.

Recording around NYC with a skeleton crew, including Dan’s daughter (Hailee Steinfeld) on guitar, Gretta garners that organic sound she was looking for.

But when Dan leverages the album to get his job back, Gretta rethinks how she wants to distribute her work, and for how much.

With decent songs, amiable performances and ample jabs at the fading industry, Begin Again explores artistry and its significance in today’s online retail market effortlessly.

Furthermore, illegally downloading music seriously impacts Billboard’s Hot 100 for that particular week. Green Light

***Over-top of the Charts***

Phantom of the Paradise

Rock stars are rarely possessed because demons want to live past the age of 27.

Or, in the case of the horror-musical, the possessed want to live…forever.

Winslow (William Finley) has his compositions stolen by a corrupt music hall owner, Swan (Paul Williams), looking to use them at the opening of his latest venture: The Paradise.

To keep the upset artiste at bay, Swan has him framed and sent to prison.

On his release, he disguises his now-deformed face and haunts the Paradise.

However, Swan sees opportunity and commissions Winslow to create a Faust musical, starring Phoenix (Jessica Harper).

A composite of the aforementioned Faust, Phantom of the Opera and Dorian Grey infused with glam rock ethos, this cult classic resuscitates the sleepy soul selling story-line with style and substance.

Mind you, nowadays, the devil is only interested in buying the souls of female singers under the age of 18.

He Sold His Soul Music Collection. He’s the…

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He’s a Chauvinistic Pig Farmer. He’s the…

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Week of October 24, 2014

You should only make sex tapes on BETA. First up…

 

Sex Tape

The good thing about a sex tape is no one will ever see it because all the VCRs are buried in the desert.

Unfortunately for the couple in this comedy the term refers to all amateur porn.

Annie (Cameron Diaz) decides to stop complaining about post-pregnancy sex on her blog and instead tries to reignite her husband’s (Jason Segel) wick by sending the kids away for the night.

To spice things up, they record their session with an iPad.

But when the footage gets leaked to their friends, they are blackmailed by an unlikely source asking for $25,000.

An Apple commercial masquerading as a bawdy comedy, Sex Tape crams the company’s product line into every painfully unfunny and unrealistic scene.

While the duo is relatable, their improbable situations are not.

Besides, when you experiment with sex tapes you could end up getting something completely disgusting, like, a show on E!  Red Light

The Purge: Anarchy

The sad thing about hunting Americans for sport is that they’re so obese they’re tired after running 10 paces.

Luckily, the prey in this horror-thriller has a vehicle.

To lower crime, LA holds an annual cull - legalized murder for one night.

Trying to get home before it begins, Shane (Zach Gilford) and Liz (Kiele Sanchez) align themselves with a vengeful cop (Frank Grillo) and two women he rescued from Purgers.

Unfortunately, those women are being stalked by a gang of masked murderers collecting the poor for the rich in exchange for money.

With the action happening outside as opposed to inside, like its predecessor, Anarchy offers a blue-collar perspective on the yearly bloodletting.

While the ideology continues to fascinate and the killings carry on the brutality, the characters and the plot still don’t reach their full potential.  

Incidentally, without the poor, city streets would be littered with unreturned beer bottles.  Yellow Light

***Televiolence***

Series 7: The Contenders

The best part of watching people kill each other on TV is betting on who the winner will be.

By the way, the returning champ in this dark comedy is not a sure bet.

If Dawn (Brooke Smith) survives the next round of the kill-or-be-killed reality show The Contenders, her and her unborn baby will go free.

However, included in the other 5 random contestants is Dawn’s ailing ex-boyfriend (Glenn Fitzgerald) who wants her to be the one who terminates him.

Meanwhile, the other contestants accumulate weapons and begin stalking the title-holder.

Things get worse when Dawn goes into labor.

Narrated by Will Arnett, this 2001 satire of the-then fledgling genre is told entirely through reality camera lens - a method that can be comical and constrictive on the narrative.

Fortunately, the violence and soundtrack help round the edges.

Incidentally, if contestants sang while killing, this show would be even bigger.

He’s a Reality TV Dinner. He’s the…

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Week of October 17, 2014

The future is the past without all the losers. First up…

X-Men: Days of Future Past 

Professor X’s real mutant power has always been his handicapped-parking pass.

Disappointingly, the paralyzed patriarch in this sci-fi film can walk.

With Sentinels exterminating mutants in the future, Charles (Patrick Stewart) and Erik (Ian McKellen) send Logan’s (Hugh Jackman) mind back to 1973 to stop Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence) from assassinating the creator (Peter Dinklage) of the mutant-killing robots.

To accomplish this before Kitty’s (Ellen Page) connection to the past snaps, Logan must convince a drug-addled Charles (James McAvoy) to join him, Beast (Nicholas Hoult) and Magneto (Michael Fassbender) in preventing the future from happening.

Taking a more measured approach to story pacing, usage of the copious characters and the twin timelines, this fifth installment in the mutant franchise - which was adapted from the Claremont/Byrne comic book arc - is a highlight of the series.

Incidentally, while he’s in the 1970s, Wolverine might as well eviscerate the inventor of Disco.  Green Light

Live. Die. Repeat: Edge of Tomorrow 

When traveling to the past it’s important to wear time-appropriate clothing, but with a future swagger.

Unfortunately, the journeyman in this sci-fi film wears a battle-suit, not a sideways powered wig.

PR officer Major Cage (Tom Cruise) is abruptly thrust into the alien war he’s publicizing.

Despite repeated objections, he’s deployed to the battlefield in a heavily-duty exoskeleton. When dosed with alien blood, he’s also outfitted with the ability to relive the previous day after dying.

Aided by a former traveler (Emily Blunt), Cage repeats the same day over until he can kill the head alien.

Inspired by a Japanese pulp tale, Edge of Tomorrow uses the short story’s provocative narrative, along with two likable leads and dynamic effects, to forge an unforgettable, and at times acutely humorous, time-travel adventure.

Incidentally, the smartest way to use time-travel in war is to go back to before you mooned that nuclear-armed dictator.  Green Light

Mr. Peabody & Sherman 

When time-traveling with a dog it’s important to sedate them before locking them in their kennel.

However, drugging the time-shifting pooch in this animated movie might not be a wise idea.

When his adopted son Sherman (Max Charles) acts up at school, the scholarly beagle, Mr. Peabody (Ty Burrell), invites the parents of Sherman’s bully, Penny (Ariel Winter), to dinner.

When Penny disputes Sherman’s claims that his father invented a time machine he takes her back to Ancient Egypt to prove it.

By disobeying his father’s direct orders not to time-travel, Sherman generates a paradox in the space/time continuum that threatens all in existence, past and present.

While its jokes never reach the level of hilarity its computer-animated counterparts do, this adaptation of the cartoon short from The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show is edifying and overall entertaining kids fare.

But regardless of the time period, talking dog always tastes great. Yellow Light

A Million Ways to Die in the West

Typical funeral arrangements in the Old West involved selecting the six buzzards you wanted to clean your bones.

However, this comedy doesn’t delve into post-mortem procedures.

Recently dumped by his girlfriend (Amanda Seyfried), sheep-farmer Albert (Seth MacFarlane) finds himself in hot water when he becomes intimate with Anna (Charlize Theron), the bride of notorious outlaw Clinch Leatherwood (Liam Neeson).

But a chance encounter with a tribe of peyote smoking Native Americans, and sharp-shooting lessons from Anna, preps the cowardly herder for his pending duel against Leatherwood.

Written, directed, and starring Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane, A Million Ways to Die in the West neglects to include it’s flat jokes as another means of expiring out West.

Pitiable comedy aside, its paint-by-numbers plot, lifeless performances, and static direction also contribute to this dross comedy’s death rattle.

Furthermore, when you died in the Old West you were usually reincarnated as a spittoon.  Red Light

***Olden Time Travel***

Back to the Future Part III

The best part of time traveling to the Old West is not feeling shame over soliciting prostitutes.

Unfortunately, the time-spanning teenager in this comedy-adventure doesn’t have time for hanky-panky.

Thrust backwards along the arrow of time inside a DeLorean, Marty (Michael J. Fox) finds himself in his hometown of Hill Valley, circa 1885.

Tasked with tracking down his inventor friend Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) before his untimely death at the hands of Mad Dog Tannen (Thomas F. Wilson), Marty struggles to adapt to the rugged time period.

And though he finds his mentor, their way home is out of gas.

Unable to reach the velocity needed to jump, Doc must use the fastest transportation of the day - a train.

Unable to sustain the action, excitement, or laughs from the sequel, this final installment merely completes this semi-satisfactory trilogy.

Incidentally, a time-traveling horse would have been a more economical choice.

He’s a Part-Time Traveler. He’s the… 

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He’s a Reaction Figure. He’s the…

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Week of October 3, 2014

Boxed action figures can't give you lead poisoning. First up…

Transformers: Age of Extinction

The most important ally any machine with moving parts can have is WD-40.

Unfortunately the rusting robots in this action movie are without.

Amateur inventor Cade (Mark Wahlberg) stumbles on a dilapidated semi truck that turns out to be Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen).

Elsewhere, a rogue CIA agent (Kelsey Grammer) intent on eradicating the transformers pairs with a scientist (Stanley Tucci) close to unlocking their transformative properties.

Now Cade, his daughter (Nicola Peltz), and the Autobots must stop the human-made transformer Galvatron from amassing an army of Decepticon.

With nauseating camera-work, unnecessary product placement and a 3-hour go-nowhere plot, this 4th installment in the franchise may introduce new humans and inhumans to the cast, but they can’t conceal the fact that Michael Bay is still the director.

What’s more, there comes a time in every transformer’s life when they just need to transform into an ethnic food truck and retire.  Red Light

Million Dollar Arm 

It makes sense that Hindi-speaking athletes would gravitate towards baseball since there’s a team called the Indians.

Racial epithets aside this sports-drama does involve players from India.

When down-and-out sports agent J. B. Bernstein (Jon Hamm) vacillates between a televised cricket match and a singing competition, he formulates a plan to invigorate his firm with talent from India.

Convinced he’ll find the next great baseball pitcher through a reality TV show format, J.B. enlists a cantankerous scout (Alan Arkin) to be a judge in the competition.

Eventually, J.B. discovers two worthy candidates (Suraj Sharma, Madhur Mittal) and ships them back to America to try out for the majors.

Based on a true story, Million Dollar Arm is a boilerplate feel-good Disney sports movie that concludes as expected, with no complexity or ingenuity required.

On a related note, females traveling to India alone should always bring a baseball bat with them.  Yellow Light

The Grand Seduction 

The best part of living in Newfoundland is you can move to Alberta to work.

Mind you, the Newfies in this comedy hope to get into the oil game without leaving their isolated harbour.

In order to entice big oil to their down-and-out community, the mayor (Brendan Gleeson) must first secure a town doctor.

His prayers are answered when a townie blackmails a cokehead plastic surgeon (Taylor Kitsch) into being the local medic for a month.

Their endgame, however, is for him to stay permanently, so they feign interest in Cricket, Jazz and Indian cuisine for his sake.

Meanwhile, the postmistress (Liane Balaban) refuses to participant in the town’s con. 

Despite its shaky plot points and tacked-on love story, this remake of a Francophone comedy has enough heart, humour and oddball characters to make up for its shortcomings.

But in reality, unemployed Newfies should be seducing the Cod to spawn.  Green Light 

Chef

The best thing about owning a food truck is you can easily elude the health inspector.

Mind you, the meals-on-wheels in this dramedy appear on the up-and up.

Tired of being at the mercy of his boss’ (Dustin Hoffman) outmoded menu and humiliated by an online food critic (Oliver Platt), Carl (Jon Favreau) quits his head chef job.

On the advice of his ex-wife (Sofía Vergara), he goes to Miami to refurbish a dilapidated taco truck with his social media savvy son (Emjay Anthony) and former cook (John Leguizamo).

With his son documenting their return trip on Twitter, Carl’s Cuban food truck forms a huge following, including former detractors.

With a heavy web presence and little footing in reality, Chef evokes more sentimentality through online montages accompanied by feel-good songs than it does through any discourse between father and son.

Incidentally, when you dine on the street the homeless are your busboys.  Yellow Light

***Soylent Green Beans***

Delicatessen

In a post-apocalyptic future the world’s Cheez Whiz supply would have to be used to re-caulk all the buildings.

Thankfully the tenants in this sci-fi comedy don’t have to lick cracks for sustenance.

On the ground floor of a dilapidated apartment is a butcher (Jean-Claude Dreyfus) who always has fresh meat despite there being a food shortage.

Answering an ad in the newspaper, Louison (Dominique Pinon) lands the job of assistant to the butcher.

Eventually Louison’s charms win over the butcher’s daughter Julie (Marie-Laure Dougnac). But with her father planning on putting Louison on the menu, she seeks the assistance of an underground cell of rebellious vegetarians. 

Conceptualized by the director of Amélie, Delicatessen is a quirky cannibal love-story crammed with eccentric characters that never takes itself too seriously, or too lighthearted.

Furthermore, with all the hormones and preservatives we ingest, human meat would have a very long shelf life.

He’s a Vienna Sausage Party. He’s the…

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He’s a Block Party Pooper. He’s the…

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Week of September 26, 2014

Serial killers make ideal neighbours. First up…

 

Neighbors  

As a concerned father living next-door to a frat house it’s important to keep DNA of all of the members on file.

Fortunately the new dad in this comedy has plenty of opportunities to collect.

When Delta Psi purchases the house next door to recent parents (Seth Rogen, Rose Byrne), the couple plays nonchalant with the frat heads (Zac Efron, Dave Franco) in order to seem hip.

But when noise levels are exceeded the couple lose their cool.

Calling the cops however only sets off a rivalry between the two camps. With each trying to one-up the other with extreme tactics.

While it honestly portrays Generation X’s effort to be cool parents, it fails to explore the issue in a grown-up manner.

With puerile pranks, limp penis jokes and awkward improve between Rogen and Byrne, Neighbors is aimless and unrealistic. 

Besides, a colicky baby can be as irritating as EDM.  Red Light

***Next-Door Knobs***

Neighbors (1981)

The irony of neighbours is that you often kill them with the same tool you borrowed from them.

However, the aggravated neighbour in this dark comedy is liable to use his bare-hands.

Despondent suburbanite Earl (John Belushi) is jolted from his mundane existence when an unconventional couple (Dan Aykroyd, Cathy Moriarty) moves in next-door.

Unnerved by his forwardness and her flirtatiousness, Earl is confused as to why they moved into his quiet community.

He soon begins to draw his own conclusions, which ultimately leads to paranoia and self-destruction.

A satire on suburban bliss, Neighbors finds both its SNL alumni playing against their type in order to create a truly eccentric comedy.

Based on the delusional bestseller by Thomas Berger, this undervalued psychological comedy from the ‘80s is an excellent commentary on the confines of safety and sanity.

Furthermore, you should only interact with your neighbours if they have a pool.

He’s Off the Welcome Wagon. He’s the…

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He’s a Cold Blood Donor. He’s the…

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Week of September 19, 2014

Giant monster = giant poop. First up…

Godzilla 

The upside to a giant lizard is that one day its fossilized bones will generate massive amounts of crude oil.

Unfortunately, the rampaging reptile in this sci-fi movie is far from petrifaction.

Fifteen years after his mother (Juliette Binoche) was killed in a nuclear power plant accident, Lt. Ford (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) returns to the contaminated site to help his father (Bryan Cranston) expose a military cover-up involving Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organisms.

Their suspicious are later confirmed when a winged MUTO hatches from its cocoon and attacks Hawaii.

Now humanities only hope lies in a cold-blooded MUTO the US army has been secretly bombing for 60 years. 

With a faithful Godzilla design and monster battles galore, this modernization of the Japanese fire-breather pummels previous American efforts with ease.

However, that doesn’t prevent this update from being tedious and disjointed at times.

Incidentally, in Japan anyone over 6-feet tall is called Godzilla.  Yellow Light

The Fault in Our Stars

One of the pros to dying young is that you don’t have to worry about getting Alzheimer’s.

But as this drama points out, there are more cons to early expiration.

Urged to attend a cancer support group at the behest of her mother (Laura Dern) and father (Sam Trammell), terminal teenager Hazel (Shailene Woodley) finds the meetings more bearable thanks to fellow sufferer Augustus (Ansel Elgort).

Agreeing to read each other’s favourite book, Hazel shares one about cancer with Augustus - who is reluctantly won over by the prose.

Wanting to meet the author before her demise, Hazel’s wish is granted. But her and Augustus’ encounter with him (Willem Dafoe) is disparaging at best.

Based on the Teen Lit sensation, this adaptation does an adequate job of adhering to its inspiration, specifically characterization, plotting, and the sorrowful ending.

What's more, when you die young your Obit photo will be hot.  Green Light

Think Like A Man Too

If thinking like men gets women to stop acting like men than that’s a plus.

Thankfully, there are no flatulent females in this comedy.

Attending their friends wedding in Vegas, Cedric (Kevin Hart) and his boys (Michael Ealy, Jerry Ferrara, Gary Owen, Romany Malco) split from their significant others (Meagan Good, Taraji P. Henson, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Gabrielle Union) to have the bachelor party.

But even though both parties are apart from each other they’re still haunted by their relationship woes, i.e. intimacy, infidelity and career.

Meanwhile Cedric’s extravagant boys’ night out lands him in debt, which he hopes to nullify through gambling.

The slapdash sequel to the mildly amusing original, Think Too doesn’t develop the returning characters beyond their previous appearance, save for Hart who has become a caricature.

It also doesn’t offer up any relevant relationship advice.

Besides, 1 in 5 Las Vegas marriages ends in personal bankruptcy.  Red Light

***Dying Young Love***

Now Is Good

The good thing about dying young is that you die with all of your hair.

However, that won’t be the case with the ailing adolescent in this drama.

When her cancer returns, Tessa (Dakota Fanning) formulates a bucket list comprised of high-risk activities.

Despite her death sentence, her parents (Paddy Considine, Olivia Williams) still cannot condom her hazardous behaviour, urging her to mind her health.

It’s not until she encounters her kindhearted neighbour (Jeremy Irvine) that Tessa begins to feel her first glint of love.

Adapted from the Teen Lit book Before I Die, this British based love story is an emotional and frank exposition on the final days of a debilitating disease, and the people and moments that make them memorable. 

Heart wrenching performances throughout, Now is Good is not only believable but also beneficial. 

Incidentally, the one unchecked item on all sick kids’ bucket lists is: cure cancer.

He’s Terminally Chill. He’s the… 

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Week of September 12, 2014

Freedom is the length of your leash. First up…

 

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

To get respect overseas Captain America should always travel dress as Captain Canada.

Fortunately, the star-spangled shield tosser in this action movie is staying stateside. 

Two years after the Avengers Initiative, super-solider Steve Rogers is a dutiful S.H.E.I.L.D. agent.

But on a mission for Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) his allegiance waivers when he and agent Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson) discover a HYDRA conspiracy inside S.H.E.I.L.D.

On the run from their own agency, the pair must prevent a familiar face from Cap’s past (Sebastian Stan) from launching HYDRA corrupted Helicarriers.

More action-thriller than action-adventure the patriotism of the previous film has given way to modern skepticism and fear mongering.

Fortunately that distrust includes: rapid-fire action; new characters ripped from Cap’s comic book catalogue; and a rollercoaster script with earth-shattering revelations around every bend. 

Incidentally, the only time it’s lawful to let an American flag touch the ground is if you’re wearing it.   Green Light

Brick Mansions 

The French invented parkour so they could retreat from their enemy super-fast.

Mind you, the parkourer in this action movie is moving towards his adversary.

In the near future, criminals residing in the abandoned mansions of an affluent Detroit suburb are sealed off from the rest of the city by a giant wall.

Largely ignored by police, that all changes when a stolen bomb makes its way over the wall into the hands of a drug czar (RZA).

Now it’s up to a cop (Paul Walker) and a convict (David Belle) to retrieve the device before it’s used against the city.

A re-make of the French film District 13, Brick Mansions is an inferior interpretation.

While the stylized fights are a highlight, the acting and the overall story are hallow and hackneyed.

Besides, with the loss of Detroit’s auto industry colossal wall building could be a viable option for them.  Red Light

Petals on the Wind

The best way to get revenge on a bad parent is to abuse them when they get senile.

However the siblings in this drama have chosen to attack much earlier.

A decade after their mother (Heather Graham) and grandmother (Ellen Burstyn) held them captive in the attic of Foxworth Hall, the surviving Dollanganger children: Cathy (Rose McIver), Chris (Wyatt Nash) and Carrie (Bailey Buntain), mourn the death of their adopted father.

With a forbidden fire still burning for each other, Chris and Cathy unwillingly take-on unrelated lovers as they pursue careers in medicine and ballet, respectively.

But a failed encounter with their estranged mother sets off a scheme to spoil her and her new husband’s life.

Based on the sequel to Flowers in the Attic, this latest installment in the Dollanganger series is as tawdry, melodramatic and as campy as its predecessor. 

Furthermore, the best revenge an incestuous couple can get on their mother is having her baby-sit her two-headed grandchild.  Yellow Light

 ***Farmers’ Market Collapse***

The Ultimate Warrior 

The key to repopulating after an apocalypse is making Viagra for radioactive genitals.

Unfortunately, the seeds the survivors in this sci-fi film are concerned with are ones you sow.

By propagating a seed resistant to the plagued that wiped out humanity, a band of intellectuals living in a walled-off section of NYC have cultivated the poisoned soil.

But with marauders threatening their peaceful existence, clan leader Baron (Max von Sydow) has no choice but to dispatch his pregnant daughter (Joanna Miles) and her bodyguard (Yul Brynner) beyond the wall in order to persevere life.

A precursor to the dystopian craze of today, The Ultimate Warrior set the visual standard for ruined cities, as well as the struggle to survive in a wasteland.

While the fisticuffs are tame, the unruly characters are not - making for an exciting escapade.

Furthermore, the first crop you should grow in a lawless land is hemp.

He’s Pre-Apocalyptic. He’s the…

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