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He’s Humidexy. He’s the…

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Week of August 19, 2010

Summer romances are autumn’s abortions. First up….

The Last Song 

Like their seasonal namesake, summer flings are sweaty, sleepless affairs that generally last for two-months before abruptly ending, leaving your body covered in strange rashes and bite marks.

Sadly, the summer tryst of the troubled teen in this romantic/drama ends on a much more tragic note.

Forced to spend the summer with her estranged/musician father (Greg Kinnear), the unruly, yet gifted, Ronnie (Miley Cyrus) is disgruntled.

Her gloomy disposition, however, doesn’t dissuade a local (Liam Hemsworth) from romantically pursuing her. Unfortunately, his efforts are trumped by news her father has cancer.

Layered with lachrymose love and loss motifs, The Last Song is typical Nicolas Sparks schmaltz made even worse by a lead actress whose awkward jaw is apposite evidence of her scene chewing abilities.

As for the best part of a summer romance: You only have to stay fit and look sexually attractive for, like, 12-weeks out of the year.  0

Furry Vengeance

If animals were capable of revenge, I’m pretty sure their first acts of vengeance would be to stage a human rodeo, followed by the clubbing of human babies.

Fortunately, for younger viewers, the retribution perpetrated on the humans in this family-comedy is jocular in nature.

When Dan (Brendan Fraser) is put in charge of a proposed new subdivision in the wilds of Oregon, he is quick to transport his apprehensive wife (Brooke Shields) and their two disgruntled children out there to live.

But his wife and kids aren’t the only ones upset with the move.

As the housing development encroaches on the forest, the local fauna begins to revolt.

Equally infantile in the humour and acting departments, Furry Vengeance is tailored-made tripe that will keep kids drooling well into their formative years.

What’s more, this displacement dilemma could easily be quelled if only woodland creatures could apply for mortgage loans.  0

Me and Orson Welles

In addition to the pronoun and Orson Welles, there’s probably a few Double Down Chicken Sandwiches involved here too.

And while, technically, the rotund auteur died before KFC revealed its abomination, his appetite for food and theater was insatiable.

Richard (Zac Efron), a teen with acting aspirations, hits it big when he lands a role in Welles’ (Christian McKay) stage production of Julius Caesar.

New to the playhouse, Richard receives pointers from the production assistant (Clare Danes), whom he takes a shine to. But her licentious relationship with Welles causes the love struck pup to lash out at his idol.

With McKay embodying the wit and arrogance of the wunderkind, this film is a treat for both theater and Welles fans.

And while live theater is terminal, Welles would be pleased knowing that the bard’s work is still performed every summer in a park next to a hot dog cart.  0

***Animal Riots***

Animal Farm

The worst part of an animal uprising would have to be clearing the mounds of pig poop from the streets afterwards.

Fortunately, the post-revolt clean up in this animated animal allegory is nominal, since it takes place on a farm.

When Old Major campaigns for a revolt against Mr. Jones, for control of Manor Farm, the livestock are rapt by the prudent pig’s philosophy of animal equality. 

Unfortunately, in the days following the insurrection, the avaricious porker Napoleon takes control of Manor Farm as well as its riches, which are garnered through the hard work of the other animals.

Based on the novel by George Orwell, Animal Farm is a prototypical parable of an autocratic political system brilliantly told by means of animals. Though the animation is dated, Orwell’s ideology is ubiquitous throughout this portentous fairy tale.

As for a dictator pig, humans would quickly assassinate them with their teeth.

He’s Raising the Bar-B-Que. He’s the…

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He has a Satirement Plan. He’s the…

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Week of August 12, 2010

CPP: Criticize People's Pension. First up...

Date Night

Date nights have mutated over the years. Whereas once they included dinner and a movie, nowadays they are comprised of vodka coolers and making a sex tape.

Fortunately, the middle-aged married couple in this comedy opted not to expose their genitals in night vision.

To reignite their passion, two New Jerseyites–Phil and Claire Foster (Steve Carell, Tina Fey)–head to Manhattan for a romantic dinner.

With no reservations, the Fosters surreptitiously assume the identity of no-show couple the Tripplehorns, who–it turns out–are sought by a mobster (Ray Liotta) and his cronies (Common, Jimmi Simpson). Now, if they hope to survive date night, they must recover a valuable flash drive.

A screwy romantic/action/comedy with a nomadic plot, Date Night is saved from the archetypal mistaken-identity movie junk pile by it charismatic leads, who navigate this potential landmine with subtle ease.

As for the ideal date night: She pays.  0

Death at a Funeral

The best thing about a death at a funeral is that it allows you another chance at inheriting a kick-ass set of china.

And while this comedy is devoid of porcelain platters, it does contain a secondary stiff.

In addition to organizing his father’s funeral, Aaron (Chris Rock) must play ringmaster to his eccentric relations–Ryan (Martin Lawrence), Elaine (Zoe Saldana), her drugged fiancé Oscar (James Marsden) and dimwitted Norman (Tracy Morgan).

Further compounding the situation is the diminutive Frank (Peter Dinklage)–their father’s lover–who hopes to use their father’s sexuality to extort money from the family.

A remake of a British comedy, this African-Americanized version manages to garner a few cheap laughs at the expense of little people, homosexuals and the incontinent, before settling into mediocrity.

As for concealing a subsequent corpse: place naked carcass on table; cover genitals with sushi; and pretend they're part of the reception.  0

***Father of the Died***

Four Weddings and a Funeral

This surplus of ritual ceremony could easily be avoided if only the powers that be would finally legalize Necro-Polygamy.

Sadly, this British comedy has nothing to do with marrying multiple corpses. Instead, it is concerned with the two singles whose paths continually cross at these sacraments.

While attending a friend’s wedding, Englishman Charles (Hugh Grant) is taken aback by American Carrie (Andie MacDowell), whom he has a one-night stand with.

During their second encounter, however, Charles learns of her engagement, which constitutes the third wedding. Remorseful over a friend’s death, Charles capitulates, deciding to marry his second choice. But at his wedding a female guest is not so inclined to hold her peace.

The quintessential rom-com, Four Weddings and a Funeral strikes a perfect balance between love, laughs and lamentation.

Unfortunately, in North America it’s impossible to attend four weddings, since there are only two long weekends in a summer.

He's a Ringworm-Bearer. He's the...

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Week of August 5, 2010

The shit just hit the Casablanca ceiling fan. First up…

Kick-Ass

The reason why regular folks don’t take up the mantle of super-hero is because empathy is their Kryptonite. Also, the hours suck.

Luckily, the idealistic fan-boy in this bawdy comic book movie has the compassion, free time and health coverage needed to combat crime.

Tired of his mild-mannered existence, awkward teen Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) dons an emerald guise and patrols the streets as Kick-Ass.

Garnering celebrity due to a viral video depicting his brutal brand of justice, Kick-Ass soon attracts allies–Big Daddy (Nic Cage) and Hit Girl (Chloë Moretz)–and enemies–Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) and Frank D'Amico (Mark Strong).

Based on the comic book by Mark Millar and John Romita, Jr., Kick-Ass is a cocksure concoction of sardonic scenarios, brutal violence and offensive annotations all masterfully mixed together by director Matthew Vaughn.

Sadly, my own comic book alter ego would have to be the obsequious henchmen: Kiss-Ass.  0

The Ghost Writer

If you ask me, all writers are ghostwriters: pasty skinned beings in shabby clothes trying to squat in your house rent-free.

And while the scribe-for-hire in this mystery isn’t composed of ectoplasm, he is staying in his new employers house for free.

Hired to ghostwrite the memoir of Adam Lang (Pierce Brosnan), former UK Prime Minister, following the death of the previous ghostwriter, The Ghost (Ewan McGregor) moves into Lang’s stateside beach house.

Staying in his predecessor’s bedroom, The Ghost discovers evidence suggesting Lang was a puppet for the US during his time in office. Unfortunately, this knowledge may cost him his life.

Directed by Roman Polanski, The Ghost Writer is a top-flight thriller: the leads are superb, the story is enthralling and the direction is commanding.

However, to really sell a biography nowadays, Lang’s going to have to insinuate in it that the Queen molested him as a kid.  0

The Diary of a Wimpy Kid

I’m hard-pressed to believe a wimp could keep a diary. In fact, a true weakling wouldn’t even be able to lift a pencil to write in one.

Fortunately, thanks to computers, kids no longer have to exert any energy to write diary entries or anything else.

Determined to be the most popular kid in middle school, Greg (Zachary Gordon) will do anything to gain the admiration of his peers, including turning his back on his less-than-cool friend Rowley (Robert Capron).

But when Rowley is suddenly well liked, Greg’s left with egg on his face and moldy playground cheese in his belly.

Based on the illustrated novel, The Diary of a Wimpy Kid is a brawny comedy: the characters are wacky, the situations are zany and the theme of schoolboy camaraderie is a welcome change.

In fact, young men everywhere should refer to their chums as their BFF (Boy Friend Forever).  0

***Student Body Fat***

Angus 

High school can be difficult for boys. Not only are their bodies changing, but they must work extra hard to lag behind their female classmates.

Unfortunately, the teen in this dramedy also has to cope with weight issues. 

When beefy outsider Angus (Charlie Talbert) is chosen to dance with his longtime crush Melissa at this year’s Winter Ball, he’s as stunned as everyone else.

Concerned over his left feet, Angus seeks the counsel of his irascible grandfather (George C. Scott), who teaches him about dance and self-worth.

But when Angus learns the whole thing is a prank orchestrated by Melissa’s boyfriend Rick (James Van Der Beek), his newfound confidence diminishes.

A touching underdog tale about being true to oneself, Angus is a comedy with a conscience, tackling some hefty teen issues. 

However, gaining real self-assurance doesn’t occur until your high school reunion, when all your peers are the fat ones.

He Eschews his Food. He’s the…

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He’s an Embarking Dog. He’s the…

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Week of July 29, 2010

Fire hydrants are on the lifted leg of this journey. First up…

Clash of the Titans

Thanks to the renewed interest in mythology, those of us who’ve remained loyal to the Greek gods won’t look so crazy now sacrificing live oxen on our front lawns.

And while a blood offering is not a prerequisite to perusing this perilous parable, it does pertain to one.

Showing resentment towards the gods, the City of Argos attracts the ire of Zeus (Liam Neeson), Poseidon (Danny Huston) and Hades (Ralph Fiennes). 

To teach the mortals a lesson, Hades informs the King of Argos that his daughter Andromeda will be sacrificed to the Kraken in 10 days. 

Desperate to save her, the King recruits an imprisoned demigod Perseus (Sam Worthington) to seek the counsel of the Stygian Witches. 

Informed by the hags that the only way to kill the Kraken is with the head of the Gorgon, the unproven protagonist must put his wits to the test.

A remake of the 1981 classic, this unwarranted overhaul fails to live up to its predecessor thanks to an wooden lead, clumsy creature designs and a schizophrenic script that’s either too graphic or too goofy.

Furthermore, with Zeus’ history of seducing unsuspecting women, female viewers should probably take a pregnancy test after watching this.  0

Repo Men

According to the media, repossession is at an all-time high. So, if you’ve been exorcised, make sure you have plenty of holy water and priest collars on hand.

Whoops! Apparently the repossessions in this sci-fi thriller pertain to human organs and not human bodies, mansions or antique dolls.

In 2025, humanity has a new lease on life thanks to artificial organs. Loaning theses devices out is a company called The Union, which also relies on ruthless repo-men to retrieve organs that owners have defaulted payment on. 

One such repo-man is Remy (Jude Law), an aspiring author who has grown tired of his job. But before he can resign an accident occurs and he finds himself indebted to The Union for a new heart.

Unable to make the payments, Remy decides to run. While on the lam, he falls for a woman who’s also being sought for her abundance of overdue organs.   

While the concept is fascinating, Repo Men itself needs dialysis: the script is muddled, the acting is tacky and the ending is trite.

What’s more, all this hubbub over missing organs makes me think that The Union may, in fact, have a subsidiary company that manufactures hot dog wieners.  0

Batman: Under the Red Hood

Well, well, well, looks as though the current recession has even affected Gotham City’s billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne, a.k.a. Batman, who–assuming from the title–is now a mechanic.

Wait a minute, that colon in the heading implies a separation between title and subtitle, which, thankfully, means that the bulk of this animated action/adventure doesn’t take place in an oil change pit, but in Ra's al Ghul’s (Jason Isaacs) Lazarus Pit.

Batman’s (Bruce Greenwood) haunted by the past when an old villain, The Red Hood (Jensen Ackles), returns to Gotham City with someone new under the mask–someone from his surrogate family. 

Targeting lowly drug dealers at first, the unsympathetic Hood moves on to The Joker, which rouses Batman’s suspicion. 

With help from the first Robin now Nightwing (Neil Patrick Harris), The Dark Knight draws closer to deducing the Hood’s identity.   

Written by Judd Winick–based on his Batman: Under the Hood series–Batman: Under The Red Hood continues the fine tradition of mature storytelling, superb animation and proficient voice work that’s become synonymous with DC Universe Animated Original Movies.

Unfortunately, in reality, the only masks that socialites wear are the carnival type. And only when they're attending masquerade orgies.  0

***One-Tit Wonder***

Wonder Woman

The reason that clothing companies don’t design Amazonian-inspired swimwear is because there’s just no market for a 1 and 1/2 piece bathing suit.

Case in point, Amazonian Princess Diana, a.k.a. Wonder Woman, who went against her tribe’s customary mastectomy to better fill out her bikini.

Entrusted by Zeus to imprison Ares (Alfred Molina) on the island of Themyscira, the Amazons do an admirable job until a lost jet pilot (Nathan Fillion) stumbles upon the island and inadvertently releases the God of War. 

Now he and Wonder Woman (Keri Russell) must abate Ares before he can exact his revenge.

One of the most overlook DC Animated Original Movies, Wonder Woman is a brutal clash of the titans: from the shrewdly cast voice actors to the beautifully rendered bare-knuckled brawls.

As for those misogynists who think women don’t have any super-powers: What do you call pushing a human through your vagina?

He’s Good with Kidnapers. He’s the…

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Week of July 22, 2010

I love being booby-trapped. First up…

The Runaways

If you ask me, The Runaways sound like the kind of band that one would go see with a pimp who is looking to replenish his underage prostitute coffers.

And while the members of this rock n’ rebellious girl group aren’t hookers, they do have to swallow plenty of cockamamie ideas in order to succeed in the male dominated music industry.

Formed by eccentric record producer Kim Fowley (Michael Shannon) in 1975, The Runaways are comprised of 5, 16-year-old female musicians clad in leather and lace. With the precocious Cherie Currie (Dakota Fanning) on vocals and the ill-reputed Joan Jett (Kristen Stewart) on rhythm guitar, the group garners a huge fan base. Unfortunately, the road takes its toll on the inexperienced girls and they lose themselves to drugs, drink and ego, ultimately tearing the band apart.

Based on Curry’s memoir, The Runaways is a satisfactory biopic of a band that spawned more successful solo careers than 1# songs, however, while it has its merits, i.e. visceral visuals and sleazy soundtrack, it’s just not that tragic of a band biography.

Besides, everyone knows the most shocking disintegration of any musical collaboration is, and always will be, the breakup of a one-man-band.  0

Cop Out

Now I’m not up-to-date with today’s lingo, but I do believe that the phrase to “cop out” means to drink heavily, get a divorce and insistently complain about your pension and/or ulcer.

And while the cop in this comedy isn’t intoxicated, he is showing “cop out” symptoms pertaining to both matrimonial and financial woes.

When NYPD officers Monroe (Bruce Willis) and Hodges (Tracy Morgan) botch a police chase, they are suspended. To make matters worse, Monroe’s daughter (Michelle Trachtenberg) is engaged, and the only way to save face with her–and show up her stepfather (Jason Lee)–is to pay for the entire wedding. But with no income, he’s forced to sell a prized baseball card, which is subsequently stolen and used as leverage by a thug, who’ll only return it if Monroe agrees to recover a stolen car.

Directed by Kevin Smith, this foulmouthed farce is unfortunate: the premise is pathetic, the action is antiquated and whatever jokes there are, are drawn-out to the point of annoyance.

Furthermore, no true trading card enthusiast would ever sell a card to pay for a wedding, because no true trading card enthusiast would ever get married, or know anyone else that would.  0

The Losers

Finally! They’ve made a comic book movie about the people who actually read comic books.

My mistake. Apparently this movie isn’t about infantile males ogling super-herotic images in their parents’ basement, it’s about a group of mercenaries seeking revenge.

While on a mission to assassinate a Bolivian drug dealer, Clay (Jeffery Dean Morgan) and his team of killers (Chris Evans, Idris Elba, Columbus Short, Óscar Jaenada) are betrayed by their benefactor, Max (Jason Patric), who sabotages the team’s escape plan. Unfortunately for Max–a man in the midst of selling “green” weapons on the open market–The Losers survive.

Lying low, with the world thinking them dead, Clay and his boys plot their revenge, which involves kidnapping Max. During that course of action, however, they accidentally appropriate his hard-drive and recruit a new member (Zoe Saldana) who has a personal connection to the Bolivian job.

Based on the Vertigo comic book series, The Losers is an ostentatious ensemble action flick: the violence is vibrant, the acting is over-the-top and the direction is stylish.

In fact, it should become a Comic-Con tradition to chant the title of this movie/comic book at the top of your lungs while circulating amongst the crowds.  0

***Comic Book Conventionality***

Comic Book Confidential

Thanks to the popularity of comic book properties, bullies will now read the comic book he or she steals from the nerds, before rolling it up and beating them with it.

And while that's one instance of the current cultural acceptance of this once maligned literary form, this in-depth documentary about the subject will show you just how far comic books have really come.

Featuring Stan Lee, Frank Miller, Jack Kirby, Robert Crumb and Harvey Pekar, etc. director Ron Mann intersperses his interviews with the creators with original panels of their respected work, with the artist or writer supplying the narration.

Chronicling comic book history from 1930s to mid-1980s, including both the super-hero and underground movement, Comic Book Confidential is a cohesive and evenhanded examination of sequential art and its cultural relevance. For example, without comic books Hollywood would have nothing to adapt and Silly Putty would be completely useless.

He's a Word Ballon Animal. He's the...

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