Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Gadfly on the Wall. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of February 8, 2019

Spiders need rebranding. First up…

The Girl in the Spider’s Web

If hackers are going to rig elections why not just elect them to office?

However, the cyber-terrorist in this thriller has her fingers in something more illicit.

While she currently crusades against criminals as a masked vigilante, Lisbeth Salander (Claire Foy) occasionally does hack-and-grab gigs like the one an ex-NSA agent (Stephen Merchant) just hired her to undertake. Unfortunately, the nuclear launch codes she stole for him have now made her the target of an active agent (Lakeith Stanfield) and a secret cabal called the Spiders.

Not only does this continuation of the Millennium series reduce its intricate lead to an action movie cliché, but this adaptation of the 4th novel also softens the edges of the risqué series creating a sterile knock-off that pales in comparison to both of its American and Swedish predecessors.

Incidentally, the only people on earth who can safely date a hacker are the Amish.  Red Light

The Front Runner

When having an affair with a presidential hopeful be sure their not the candidate you want to win.

Case in point, the philandering front runner found cheating in this political drama.

With his good looks and supportive wife (Vera Farmiga), Colorado senator Gary Hart (Hugh Jackman) expects to secure the Democratic presidential nomination that eluded him in 1984. While the media and public at large feel the same way, Hart’s hopes are soon dash after he encourages the press to scrutinize his private life. What they discover however is that the saintly senator is cheating.

While Jackman turns in a decent performance in this timely depiction of actual events, the rest of the talented cast is wasted on a floundering script that is more focused on analyzing Hart’s actions than constructing an effective political allegory. 

Besides, smart candidates get their spouses to cheat on them so they can get pity votes.  Yellow Light    

The Grinch

The easiest way to ruin Christmas is to redirect all Amazon shipments to the Third World.

Thankfully, the party-pooper in this animated movie lives a cave with no WiFi.

A green hermit named The Grinch (Benedict Cumberbatch) watches over Whoville from his mountaintop with much disdain, particularly for its obsession with the yuletide. To quell the joyous season this year, The Grinch hatches a plan to impersonate Santa so he can pilfer all presents and decorations from the neighbouring township. Meanwhile, a Whoville child hopes to capture Claus so she can make a wish for her overworked mother (Rashida Jones).

Outside of the sappy single mom storyline, Cumberbatch’s nasally performance and some slick animation, this adaptation of Dr. Seuss’ children’s book pretty much follows the same narrative of the far superior 2-D animated TV special.

Moreover, if The Grinch hates Christmas so much he should just convert to Islam.  Red Light

***Bad Press Release***

Susan Slept Here

Christmas is the best time to cheat because you already have gifts to make up for it.

That’s why it makes sense for the screenwriter in this romantic comedy to have a holiday affair.

On Christmas Eve Oscar winner Mark (Dick Powell) is visited by the Vice Squad, who have brought him a 17-year-old runaway, Susan (Debbie Reynolds), as inspiration for his new script about delinquency. But when Mark learns that Susan will be jailed until 18, he marries her. Their abrupt nuptials however don’t sit well with Mark’s fiancée (Anne Francis), his US Senator father-in-law or the press.

If the comedy were as risqué as the romance than this 1954 adaptation of the stage-play wouldn’t be as creepy as it is. But with little else to offer besides the illicit affair, this Techicolour romp is pure trash.

Besides, when you marry a 17-year-old you have to pay for their University.

He’s Underageless. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Sweetheart Surgeon. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of February 1, 2019

Remember to always practise safe sexism. First up…

Suspiria

The best thing about going to a school run by witches is that clothing is optional.

That said the crones in this horror movie prefer to keep their coven undercover.

Despite no formal training, American Susie (Dakota Johnson) is not only accepted in to a prestige German Dance Academy, but she’s also chosen as the lead in their upcoming production. Meanwhile, some students within the school have started accusing the Three Mothers and their instructor (Tilda Swinton) of being in league with Satan.

With elaborate dance routines, Swinton in multiple roles and a soundtrack supplied by Radiohead’s Thom Yorke, this remake of Dario Argento’s 1977 masterwork certainly shoots for the fences. Unfortunately, the muted tones, the lack of scares and lengthy run-time derail any hopes this update has of besting - or even matching - the original.

However, witchcraft does explain why there are so many dance shows on television.  Red Light 

 

Widows

Without their husband around wives would be forced to nag strange men on the street.

Or, they could do like the women in this thriller and commandeer their partner’s business.

When their husbands (Liam Neeson, Jon Bernthal, Manuel Garcia-Rulfo) are murdered amid a million dollar heist and the man they stole from comes looking for repayment, three widows (Viola Davis, Michelle Rodriguez, Elizabeth Debicki) have no choice but to settle the score by pulling off their own robbery. Meanwhile their mark (Robert Duvall) and his son (Colin Farrell) vie for control over Chicago.  

An engaging caper that flips the typical masculine narrative on its ear and outfits it with a social and political edge, this adaptation of the British television series is updated with enough twists and strong performances to warrant its big screen retelling.      

Moreover, with all of their panty hose it just makes sense for women to steal.  Yellow Light

 

Roma

The upside to being a servant in America is you never understand what your boss is yelling at you.

Unfortunately for the maid in this drama, her employer speaks perfect Spanish.

Introvert Cleo (Yalitza Aparicio) works for Mrs. Sofia (Marina de Tavira) maintaining her family home in the heart of Mexico City’s richest neighbourhood as well as helping her raise her four children while their father is away on business. The family dynamic begins to shift, however, when Sofia’s husband’s absences begin to grow longer and a deadbeat rebel fighter impregnates Cleo.

Slow yet startling, subtle yet spirited, writer/director Alfonso Cuarón lovingly retells the tales of his affluent childhood through the eyes of his family’s improvised maid in this black-and-white Netflix import that is beautifully shot against the social unrest of 1970s.

Best of all, when you clean up after rich kids you know exactly where they hide their allowance.  Green Light

***Woman’s Glib***

Seance on a Wet Afternoon

Women are better mediums because they remember to relay the messages from the dead.

However, the clairvoyant in this drama is delivering all of the wrong memos from beyond.

Mystic Myra Savage (Kim Stanley) convinces her doting husband Billy (Richard Attenborough) to kidnap the daughter of an affluent couple so that she may demonstrate to the police and to the public her true psychic prowess - and hopefully drum up some business for her home séances. But Myra’s obsession with her own missing child begins to cloud her actions. As a result she escalates the prospective kidnapping charge to a murder wrap.  

While it is free from any supernatural entanglements, this brilliantly acted British adaptation of the 1960s novel is no less atmospheric and haunting thanks to its deep exploration of personal loss and its affects on one’s mental state.

Incidentally, be wary of séances that have commercials in them.

He Speaks to the Dead Tired. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Nude Beached Whale. He's the...

Vidiot

Week of January 25, 2019

The ocean is a toilet that will never clog. First up...

Hunter Killer

The upside to being a submarine captain is your crew has no choice but to go down with the ship too.

However, the commander in this thriller hopes to keep his tub leak-free.

Unorthodox officer Joe (Gerard Butler) is assigned to helm the USS Arkansas on an investigation in to the disappearance of the USS Tampa Bay. When Joe locates the missing sub he also uncovers a plot by the Russian defense minister to overthrow his government by orchestrating WWIII. As his admiral (Gary Oldman) negotiates with the usurper, Joe and his Russian counterpart (Michael Nyqvist) try to thwart the coup.

While the unlikely alliance between the two super powers is timely and the action is intense at times, this badly acted underwater white-knuckler is eerily similar to many other naval tales of its ilk. 

Nevertheless, submarine battles remain the best form of warfare because you don’t see the casualties.  Yellow Light

 

First Man

The best thing about being the first man on the moon is finally getting to take a dump in peace.

Fortunately, this drama doesn’t depict any astronauts popping squats in craters.

Following the death of his daughter, test pilot Neil Armstrong (Ryan Gosling) joins NASA’s mission to put a man on the moon before the Russians. Along with Deke Slayton (Kyle Chandler) and Buzz Aldrin (Corey Stoll), Neil trains his body for the suicide mission. Meanwhile his wife (Claire Foy) worries about her husband’s coldhearted approach to never seeing his family again.

Beautifully shot with a haunting score and stoic acting from Gosling, this meditation on the first man on the moon may be a fine character study of the no-nonsense astronaut but it is also a very slow moving one at that.

Incidentally, Vladimir Putin wants to put the first women on the moon by imprisoning Pussy Riot there.  Yellow Light

***Run Silent, Run Nuclear***

Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea

The worst thing about living in a submarine is that everyone on Tinder is onboard.

Even worse, the celestial event in this disaster picture is affecting the Internet.

When a meteor ignites the Van Allen belt and sets Earth temperatures soaring, the only solution to extinguish the sky-fire rests on an experimental submarine training near the Arctic Circle. It’s now up to Admiral Nelson (Walter Pidgeon), his crew (Barbara Eden, Frankie Avalon, Peter Lorre) and the on-board psychologist (Joan Fontaine) to get to the Mariana Trench and launch their nuclear missiles at the fiery heavens.

Saturated in vivid colours, diverse characters and giant sea-creatures, this 1961 speculative tale is pure Irwin Allen. Backed by an overly talented cast, the Master of Disaster is able to give some creditability to this campy adventure that also spawned a hit TV series.

As for what’s on the bottom of the sea: Mermaid graveyard.

He’s Marianas' Entrenched. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He has a Banana Split Personality. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 18, 2019

The cheap holiday candy is sold right before the next holiday candy arrives. First up…

Halloween

The scariest Jack-o’-lanterns can be found on front porches 2-weeks after Halloween.

Thankfully the gourds in this horror movie are fungus free and prime for carving up.

When Michael Myers escapes from custody on the anniversary of his 1978 killing spree, the only survivor of those attacks Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) readies her daughter (Judy Greer) and granddaughter (Andi Matichak) for the forthcoming confrontation. And this time around, instead of a scared babysitter, the knife wielding Michael is going to find a scorned woman with a score to settle.

Set after the events in John Carpenter’s original, this stylish sequel co-written by Danny McBride pays homage to the prototype in a plethora of ingenious ways. However, this mildly gory tribute comes with a serious dosage of oddball comedy that often undermines the massacres.

Moreover, if Michael Myers loves stabbing people in costumes so much he should attend a cosplay convention.  Yellow Light

 

Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween       

Nowadays the only thing kids read are online comments about how they should go kill themselves.

Fortunately, the friends in this horror movie have found something less dangerous to read. 

When Sonny and Sam are hired to clean out a dilapidated dwelling they discover an unpublished book by R. L. Stine (Jack Black), the author of the Goosebumps series. But by opening the book the boys unleash a ventriloquist’s dummy that uses the book’s power to bring other fictional creations to life. With help from their neighbor (Ken Jeong) and babysitter (Madison Iseman), they must get the beasts back in the book.

Lacking all of the nostalgia of the initial installment, this mostly Jack Black free sequel suffers from a serious similarity to its predecessor’s story. Save for a handful of scares, this generic follow-up is disappointing.

Besides, it would’ve been smarter to just self-publish the manuscript under your own name.  Red Light

Johnny English Strikes Again

The best thing about being a spy is that you don’t have to save anything for retirement.

Sadly, the agent in this comedy was not tortured to death before leaving the agency.

When his former employer MI7 is hacked by a cyber-terrorist and the names of every active field agent is revealed, geography teacher Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson) is reinstated and tasked with tracking down those behind the hack. But as English attempts to outwit his Russian counterpart (Olga Kurylenko), the real perpetrator makes a deal with the British Prime Minister (Emma Thompson) for access to sensitive government material.

Stained by sight gags and pratfalls that have been seen in previous instalments of the British franchise, this pointless sequel sinks even lower with a hackneyed cyber-hacking storyline that’s pretty much standard across the espionage genre.

Moreover, when retired spies come back to work they bring their woodworking projects with them.  Red Light

***Sans Myers***

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

The best way to eradicate a serial killer, like Michael Myers, is with serial executions.   

Mind you, this horror movie sequel does the next best thing and just excludes him.

When a patient sets himself on fire over a Halloween mask, Dr. Challis (Tom Atkins) and the dead man’s daughter (Stacey Nelkin) head to the manufacture to get some answers. But after meeting the owner (Dan O'Herlihy) and learning of his nefarious plans to sacrifice trick-or-treaters to reinstate Celtic black magic, Challis must now stop a TV giveaway that will trigger the genocide.

Straying far from the continuity established by John Carpenter’s Halloween and its follow-up, this third instalment trades in the knife wielding manic for androids, Irish folklore and subliminal messages. Widely unpopular in 1982, this standalone has matured into a suspenseful supernatural cult film.

Besides, without children around Halloween would just turn into some kind of costumed orgy.

He’s a DiffiCult Leader. He’s the…

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