Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Diabetic Candy Cane. He’s the…

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Week of December 21, 2018

Happy Hollandaise! First up…

Venom

The best thing about sharing a body with another entity is sticking them with all of the wiping.

However, the visitor in this sci-fi thriller is more likely to just remove your genitals.

Disgraced journalist Eddie Brock (Tom Hardy) bonds with an alien that grants him amazing powers and an appetite for brains. But when the scientist (Riz Ahmed) who brought the extraterrestrial here from a passing comet comes to claim it, Eddie and his parasite must get help from Eddie’s ex-fiancée (Michelle Williams) before the Earth is enslaved.

While this origin story behind Spider-Man’s most popular villain is less convoluted than previous attempts, Marvels beloved antihero feels rudderless without the web-slinger around to torment. So, instead, audiences are left to endure the torment of the cheesy SFX, cringe-worthy dialogue and hammy performances all alone.

Incidentally, any aliens living inside of humans will soon be exterminated by Type 2 diabetes.  Yellow Light

The Predator

In order to successfully hunt humans you must first cover yourself in their urine.

Or, you can do like the tracker in this sci-fi thriller and bring some hunting dogs.

Quinn (Boyd Holbrook) disarms an alien and mails its armour to his son (Jacob Tremblay) stateside. But when the captured creature escapes confinement, it comes looking for its property. With help from a biologist (Olivia Munn) and some dysfunctional marines (Keegan-Michael Key, Thomas Jane), Quinn tries to keep his kid away from the alien and a duplicitous bureaucrat (Sterling K. Brown).

Serving as a direct sequel to the first two films in the franchise, this jokey instalment doesn’t surpass either predecessor. While the action is intense and the subject matter timely, there’s very little plot and character development to substantiate this follow-up.

Moreover, the only human who can really stop a predator from harming a child is Chris Hansen.  Red Light

The House with the Clock in Its Wall

To avoid strange noises coming from behind the walls of your new home don’t use mafia-affiliated contractors.

Fortunately, the mansion in this fantasy movie was wholly constructed with magic.

After his parents die, Lewis (Owen Vaccaro) is sent to live with his eccentric uncle Jonathan (Jack Black) in his creepy manor. But Lewis quickly learns the estate’s eeriness is due to the fact it is sentient; and that his guardian is actually a warlock. Now, Lewis, his uncle, and their enchanted neighbor (Cate Blanchett) must locate a clock inside the house’s walls before it undoes humanity.   

While the potential to make this adaptation of the YA novel great is there, horror director Eli Roth is unable to transfer his skills to the more family friendly genre; making for a pretty terrifying kids movie filled with joyless acting.

Besides, Airbnb users are more concerned about houses with cameras in the wall.  Yellow Light  

 ***Dead Snowman Walking***  

Jack Frost

  

In spite of our differences humans and snowmen will always find commonality in our shared fear of global warming.

Mind you, this horror movie suggests we may also find a shared need for vengeance. 

En route to the electric chair for his crimes, the vehicle housing renowned serial killer Jack Frost (Scott MacDonald) collides with a genetic research lab and the death row inmate is dosed with an experimental chemical.

To exact his revenge on the citizens (Christopher Allport, Shannon Elizabeth) of Snowmonton who brought him to justice, Jack uses his snow infused DNA to take on the appearance of an innocuous snowman.

Commonly mistaken for the Michael Keaton family flick, this seasonal B-movie from 1997 about a murderous snowman spawned more sequels than its namesake thanks to its comical – yet misogynistic – approach to killing. 

Moreover, it’s nice to see ex-cons playing something other than shopping mall Santas at Christmas.

He’s Hoarfrosty the Snowman. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Sleigh Rideshare. He’s the…

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Week of December 14, 2018

On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Uber. First up…

The Equalizer 2

The key to keeping every thing equal in society is to treat everybody like crap.

However, the egalitarian in this action movie levels playing fields with firearms.

Rideshare operator Robert McCall (Denzel Washington) does more for his neighbours than simply taxi them around in his vehicle; he also uses his past military experience to settle scores for them. But things get personal when an old colleague (Melissa Leo) of his is killed while investigating the suspicion death of another government agent. To get his retribution, McCall must face his past head-on and heavily armed.

With its plodding pace, infrequent action scenes and boilerplate plot this sequel is much less gratifying than the 2014 adaptation of the 1980s television program. In summation, this outing’s biggest setback is that it is more cloak and dagger than street-level vigilantism.

As for the difference between the two, vigilantes tie their neckties around their foreheads.  Red Light

 

Peppermint

The best way to get drug dealers out of your neighbourhood is to open a methadone clinic.

Mind you, the mom in this action movie is more interested in dismantling the cartel.

When her husband gets mixed up with a kingpin, mild-mannered mom Riley (Jennifer Garner) loses both him and their daughter in a drive-by shooting. Frustrated over the lack of police involvement in the case, Riley takes matters in to her own hands. After months of combat training and target practice, she returns to the streets looking for payback.

While Garner does a serviceable job of working with the hackneyed material, this derivative tale of retribution is par for the course, save for the female lead. However, the melodramatic nature and improbability of the whole affair is pure cult movie material.  

And now that the drug dealers are off the streets, it’s finally safe to open recreational cannabis stores.  Yellow Light

A Simple Favor

The hardest part of being a mother is updating everyone on how hard it is being a mother.

Luckily, the child bearer in this thriller has a blog to keep the world abreast.

Single mom Stephanie (Anna Kendrick) becomes enamored with Emily (Blake Lively), her author husband (Henry Golding) and their lifestyle after their sons share a date. So when Emily asks Stephanie to pick her son up after school, the mommy blogger is more than happy to comply. But when Emily never comes to collect her child, Stephanie finds herself drawn into a world of sex, lies and secrets.

While the overall mystery has a twinge of intrigue at first, the final reveal reeks of movie-of-the-week cliché. Moreover, director Paul Feig adds so many comedic elements and misplaced jokes that it’s hard to take anything serious.

Incidentally, once your mommy blog starts making money you can hire a nanny.  Red Light

***Queen Mary Christmas***

A Christmas Prince

The only people who really fall in love at Christmastime are those who are attracted to shopping mall Santas.

There are exceptions of course, such as the royal rendezvous in this romantic comedy.

With rumours Prince Richard (Ben Lamb) of Aldovia will abdicate the throne, American journalist Amber (Rose McIver) heads to the foreign nation to find out the truth. But when she is mistaken for the governess, Amber gets closer to the prince than expected. With a corrupt cousin ready to usurp, she must now use a document hidden inside a Christmas ornament to convince Richard that he’s the rightful ruler.

Lacking chemistry, this typical seasonal love story from Netflix also suffers from a deficiency of Christmas cheer. While the production values are higher than most Lifetime Christmas movies, the acting and script are pretty much on par.

Furthermore, princes who date commoners spend their Christmas in the guest cottage.

He’s a Wooden Soldier of Fortune. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Screen Doorbuster.  He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 7, 2018

Black Friday is the only day of the year that lasts 168-hours. First up…

Mission: Impossible – Fallout

The worst part of being a spy in the President Trump era is that he constantly posts your identity on Twitter.  

Fortunately, the agent in this action movie has an array of masks to hide behind.

IMF team lead Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) faces his most difficult assignment yet when his decision to save his teammates (Simon Pegg, Ving Rhames) lives over intercepting a briefcase of plutonium has put the world in peril, and tarnished his reputation.

Partnered with a no-nonsense CIA operative (Henry Cavill), Ethan must redeem himself by retrieving the radioactive element before a doomsday cabal can weaponize it.

Reveling in nostalgia this lengthy sixth installment of the long running franchise based on the 1960s TV show revisits Ethan’s past missions with mixed results. While the action scenes can be enthralling, they are sporadic and heavily green-screened.  

Besides, spies only reexamine their past missions when they contract chlamydia.  Yellow Light

The Nun

The easiest way to tell a nun is haunting you is by slow dancing with no room left for the Holy Spirit.

Mind you, the pious pair in this horror movie is doing more running than grinding.

When the Vatican gets word of the deaths of two Romanian nuns, it dispatches Father Burke (Demián Bichir) and Sister Irene (Taissa Farmiga) to investigate. At the abbey, the Father and Sister each experience a demonic episode that’s later explained through the convents occult history - and its relationship with a possessive spirit.

An offshoot of the second Conjuring, this fifth installment in the paranormal investigative franchise has a spooky setting, capable actors and an opportunity to tell a great origin, but aside from a few jump-scares the sluggish narrative contributes very little to the overall universe.

Moreover, churches are so desperate nowadays I’m sure they’d welcome a few demons to the congregation.  Red Light  

The Happytime Murders

The simplest way to murder a puppet is to sever the hand shoved up its ass.

However, the murderer in this comedy has more elaborate eliminations in mind.

When googly eyed cast members of The Happytime Gang sitcom start dropping dead, Phil, a dishonoured puppet cop turned PI, must re-team with his human ex-partner Connie (Melissa McCarthy) to find the killer. But as the felt bodies pile up the FBI (Joel McHale) start sniffing around and Phil finds himself the prime suspect. Now Connie and Phil’s sectary (Maya Rudolph) must prove his innocence.

While the concept of an R-rated Muppet Show from Jim Henson’s son sounds provocative, the end result is anything but. Plagued by gross-out jokes concerning the bodily fluids of marionettes, director Brian Henson tarnishes his family’s name for the sake of this vile venture. 

Incidentally, the lifeless corpse of a murdered puppet makes one helluva dust rag.  Red Light

***Hairy Christmas***

Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas

The best Christmas gift that you can give an accursed prince is that of a virgin.

Sadly, someone is trying to keep the nobleman in this animated-musical from his nubile cure.

While Mrs. Potts (Angela Lansbury), Lumière (Jerry Orbach) and the rest of the castle’s hexed furniture try to get The Beast (Robby Benson) to fall in love with Belle (Paige O'Hara) so they can be human again, the keep’s malevolent pipe organ (Tim Curry) plots to keep them apart. Meanwhile, Belle tries to teach her captor the joys of the holidays.

Set during the initial storyline and featuring many of the original voice-actors, this direct-to-video sequel to Disney’s 1991 hit adaptation of the beloved fairy tale may not contain the catchiest songs, but its dark narrative works well with the numinous characteristics of Christmas.

In fact, with all its ghosts, elves and Krumpuses, Christmas is just an expensive Halloween.

He’s a Gingerbread House of Horrors. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a White Russian Hacker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 30, 2018

Cocktails produce passwords. First up…

Searching

The worst part about going missing nowadays is the media uses online photos of you embellished with a dog’s snout.

Thankfully, the abducted teenager in this mystery stopped using Snapchat months ago.

When David’s (John Cho) 16-year-old doesn’t come home after spending the night at a friend’s, the single dad accesses her electronic devices only to discover she has been leading a double life online. A detective (Debra Messing) is soon assigned to the case, but her involvement only results in more questions about the girl’s whereabouts and whom she was involved with.

Told entirely through the lens of phones, laptops and CCTV, this cyber-thriller does what similarly shot films have tried in the past but manages to avoid gimmickry. Meanwhile, the white-knuckle narrative is relatable and helps to counterbalance the film’s shaky-cam tendencies.

Lastly, if someone hasn’t posted a selfie online in an hour it usually means they’re dead.  Yellow Light

Dog Days

The dog days of summer are when the droughts get so bad people start drinking out of toilets.

However, this canine comedy contends that the meaning pertains more to listlessness.

Elizabeth (Nina Dobrev) is a morning show host who must learn to work with her new co-host; Tara (Vanessa Hudgens) is crushing on an arrogant vet while a nice guy pines for her; and a married couple (Eva Longoria, Rob Corddry) struggles to make life for their adopted daughter comfortable. Over time each of these tales intersects with one another to create a larger chronicle of modern relationships and urban dog ownership.

While none of the interconnected stories are all that earthshattering or funny for that matter, the canine companions do offer a slight reprieve from the corny, sentimentality of the unmemorable vignettes.   

And while dogs can offer sound dating advise; they tend to favour the suitors with musty crotches.  Red Light 

***Big Brother In-Law***

Timecode

If you were to secretly videotape most people today you’d end up with a montage of racist tirades.

In 2000, however, when this drama was released, you would capture something worth watching.

As pre-production on his latest feature begins, philandering actor Alex (Stellan Skarsgård) splits his time between drinking and helping his girlfriend Rose (Salma Hayek) get a role in the production. Elsewhere, Alex’s wife (Saffron Burrows) prepares divorce papers, while Rose’s girlfriend (Jeanne Tripplehorn) has bugged her and is now eavesdropping on her affair with Alex and her audition.

An experimental feature from director Mike Figgis that unravels in real time in four separate segments on the screen with the volume on a certain stories turned up to guide viewers, this ensemble is truly innovative visually. Unfortunately, the plot and its interconnecting narratives are not as engaging.   

Incidentally, hidden cameras in the 2000s were usually concealed in trucker hats.

He’s Millennium Bug Spray. He’s the….

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